I think Traic was tickling you for shopping...something he hates to do...no bash or judgment. Disbelief. And being funny. You know how you guys LOVE to be funny.

Hey, I'm the funny one.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Boby...I'm not sure MIL lied to you. She might have believed that her daughter would come to her senses after hearing her mother's disapproval and her words would be true. Or that the time limit was different from what she meant and you heard.

I can't figure out MIL/FIL but I suspect that they haven't been the authorities in WW's life. She has had the power, or believed she did, so their disapproval (wimpy stuff, I think) doesn't get through. This happens. What about your WH? His parents call you, but are they speaking to him about him?

Adrian...her leather jacket is a symbol. Tit for tat. Even Stephen...what you get, I get. Hope you can make progress on changing your belief for your sake and your relationship.

Sleep well with dreams of dark blue oceans and aqua tinted skies...

LA

Yes adrianc - yes being funny. You know guys in Canada carry hockey sticks.

I agree with LA. MIL has some authority over WW but the final decision belongs to WW. Even if WW said that was over, she changed her mind afterwards.
As for the leather jacket, I didn't mind. It's just that after we got home WW showed it to my MIL but didn;t ask me if I liked it. Kind of expected that but still made me feel bad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

That was beautiful.

SUnce I came from Romania where hockey is something minor compared to soccer, I carry no sticks. But I am a Maple Leafs fan. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Today is the day when OM is suppose to move out... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Today is the day when he is moving out, He already took some of his stuff to the apartment (the christmas gift from her included), We did cry, I don't know why I'm crying. because i do want him back. I told him if he changes his mind he knows were to find us.I told him I do want my family back. He said we will have time to think about it. He kissed the baby and he left. He was crying, or almost crying.
I keep you guys posted.

WW was very mad, angry, pissed off, frustrated with the DDs today. In other words in a very bad mood.
I was, and still am, very calm. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

We went to the mall to file for taxes. Before that we agreed that we were going to take both DDs with us. BIL was going to take my in-laws out. At one point of time my BIL asked me for DD2 car seat. What for? I asked him. He said that the he was going to take DD2 with them because my WW told him so... I didn't let him take DD2 with him. I talked to my wife about this after we came back home:

Me: Are you feeling better now?
My WW: No.
Me: Why are you in a bad mood? Who upset you?
My WW: The noise. The DDs. Everything.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? A MOTHER IS UPSET BEACUSE OF HER OWN DDS PRESENCE<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Me: Before we left we agreed to take both DDs with us.
My WW: Yes.
Me: Then why did you tell your borther that DD2 would ride with him? I belive it's normal to consult with me first before you take a decision like that.
My WW (sarcastically): I see that it's suppose to be a team work now.
Me: We've always been a team. I see that you coose to be sarcastic when it comes to our DD2. You are disrespecting me by being sarcastic.

She left the room without saying anything.

boby, I know it's hard for you. But you're doing great. Stay strong. Same way you've stayed so far. IMO this is the begening of the end.
Keep us updated. My WW could be in such a bad mood because of the OM's action...

BTW, there was no shopping for my WW and MIL today, but it might happen tomorrow.

Why would she be mad, she should be happy, she can visit him anytime now. She can send messages (she did sent him a message last night from the game) and I will not be around to get mad.
Will be difficult to be alone, I always hated to be alone, well I am not alone I am with my baby now. I will be strong Adrian, I have to be strong. Just hope some of the friends I still have will visit me so I can take this a little bid easier.

LA
are you here? I need somebody to translate this:
he calls me, he is in lane to pick up the truck. I tell him you forgot to take all your shirts and Tshirts you have to keep them on the hangers because I ironed all day yesterday - I don't want you to look like a homeless. Me- I am making a roast so you can eat before you leave - him nothing I can hear him crying on the other end. Me- OK bye because I am crying too.
Why is it so hard? Why do I have to suffer so much?

Boby,

I'm here. This is such a really tough day for all of you, full of symbols.

You are two connected souls; one who values that connection and the other hating it right now...yet connected all the same.

He has built up in his mind a ton of resentments--he created them, not you. Many were formed when you did something, said something, that he didn't want you to and he didn't tell you, show you, say please stop...but kept it to himself to hold it over you...and you had no idea.

He built these resentments in piles and believed you were doing them to him...his Giver, not understanding the difference between his own expectations and reality (our Giver and Taker only know what we tell them about reality), looked at the growing pile and attempted to give more...but the Taker stepped in and said "Enough!" He had an affair because he felt entitled to--he believed you owed him happiness and that he had no part in it. He believed he owed you happiness in return. If you weren't happy, then he was the failure. If he wasn't happy, then you were the failure.

This is a lack of respect. Believing we make others feel is disrespectful. Believing we cause good and bad feelings in others, takes away the truth that we all have feelings--they just are. They aren't to be acted from...we choose our actions from our beliefs. You ironed all his shirts and made a roast because these are acts of love...you chose them, he didn't make you, and they weren't to make him happy or to stay. They were to show your love, you choosing to love, not for what it gets you but because you choose to show your love.

Boby, you have been betrayed by your H...and I want you to know that you are not to blame for his choice. I am trying to tell you that before the A, there was a lack of respect in your marriage...which is one ingredient of three...he did the other three himself. Neither of you knew this was the dynamic, no more than you understood why the other wasn't making the other happy. If only he would, she would, do, say or be this way...then I would be happy.

All untruths to ourselves and each other, Boby. The way we were reared, taught by the world, saw in other relationships. Tit for tat...give what you get and vice versa.

Now you are suffering because you feel rejected, he's wiping you away and replacing you. He isn't, you know, in another part of you. You know you are not replaceable. You're one of a kind. So you can see when we pile up resentments (like anger burned on the bottom of a pan), we can no longer feel what our love feels like, only resentment.

Your tears keep acknowledging that you still believe he promised to keep you happy. His leaving is taking away your happiness, security, love, joy...all that you got from him (funny, but the anger, pain, frustration stay with you, don't they?)...know that your feelings are your very own. They are information about what you believe...and if you believe he is taking away your life as you've known it, then you will feel great pain.

He isn't.

Your life is yours. You are complete, whole and wonderfully made. God gave you control over yourself and no other, and he also made it so that your choices, your power, were all your own, too.

Of course he is crying...ripping the fabric of your marriage...and you are showing your love, acting your love for him, anyway.

That's real love, not A fantasy. That's why we return to our partners and end A's with great shame, guilt, angst, and emptiness. These are good tears he's crying...sometimes pain is the only way to the truth, boby, right?

You are looking at the face of not being able to control another human being...when for all these years, it felt like your influence had some control...that you keep him happy, pleased, satisfied...etc. and then you'd be safe.

The pain behind your tears is from you realizing you have no influence but what he allows you to have. You have all the power in the world in your choice...to show your love, not to get him to come back to you, but because you choose to love anyway.

This is Plan A, boby. Knowing your choices, how you make them, what you believe in and how you act, not react. It gives us a chance to bloom, leave in freedom, responsibility and love--the only three realities.

LA

LA,
thank you for your post. Your words mean a lot, you made me feal better.
I wrote him a letter and put it in his box near the separation and real estate paper. I was telling him we still love him and want him back. I told him I feal that he has double personality, that my H is in him somewhere. but cannot come out because evil is always stronger so the A wins the battle. I don't know if I did good or bad with the letter, I can still take it out from the box he is not here yet. I just wanted him to know that I am here for him like I always was.
We did have a happy marriage, trying for a baby for 1 and a half years, going to fertility treatments, operation. But he was happy he told me he was. I don't know what happened. I think it is the lost of respect.

Thank you for reading my words, boby, and allowing my influence.

I imagine you have been openly intimate with your H...that you have shared your thoughts, feelings and beliefs, like Adrian. What I wonder is if you resented your H for not being as open at times, or now, realizing his created resentments he held against, what feelings that knowledge triggered in you?

You measure things as good or bad, right or wrong...I've been attempting to impart to Adrian that we each have our own truths...not good or bad, right or wrong...how do you feel about that belief?

He knows you love him, are there for him...what he can't conceive of is why you want him back except to hold his actions over his head. That's his worry, not your truth. See the difference? You know why moving out, that symbol of destroying a home (abandoning it) hurts him so much? Because he ducks his choices, his power, in all ways in his life. He sees life right now as a "has to" not a choice. It rears up in him when he actually makes a choice he can see.

We make them all along, don't we? Every thought, action, belief...is our choice.

Choose wisely.

This system of justice we develop in our marriages...based on a lack of respect...works well for many years, because we both agree to it. It was in my marriage and many of those here...until they had to get here to see it. It breaks down, as it must, when the agreement is no longer mutual...what he thinks he needs costs you; what you think you need costs him. See how perspective makes all the difference?

I say this because you and Adrian believe you had happy marriages. You had marriages based on these beliefs, that each of you controlled each other...until one of you didn't want that. I share this because your future relationships, with your reborn spouses or not, can be built on respect and ownership, instead.

Guessing why your spouses, Adrian's WW feeling pressured and mad; your WH crying and leaving anyway...these guesses hurt ourselves. They are disrespectful. We no longer respect ourselves when we don't ask..."Can you share with me your feelings? Why you are crying? Why you seem angry?"

This is the only part you both control...yourselves. Seems too much of me to ask of you when you are facing this huge monster of rejection...and then giving that creature the courtesy of respect, doesn't it? Do it anyway. We must build ourselves to build our relationships differently.

Adrian...you've dipped back into your old beliefs, from what I read of your morning. I didn't see any listen and repeat...but judgment. I didn't hear you wanting to hear her truth--rather be safe in assuming, divining and retaliating in your subtle, very hurt way. No judgment from me...just what I think I see.

Tell me, did you not ask for her truth this morning because you fear believing hers as the truth?

LA

Thanks LA, you are so right.
I can see him suffer too. He came, took the matress only, left with the truck almost empty saying that there is no room for the rest of the stuff and he will come back tonight to pick up the rest. I did pack a bottle of his favorite red wine, he asked me why, i said you will have nothing to do tonight (he doesn't have a TV, he loves to watch TV) you can enjoy a glass of wine.
is it wrong that I miss him already? I miss him so much. I just pray he will come back, I am ready to forgive him, I know is difficult to rebuild the trust but I want to do that.

boby,
I believe it's going to be fine. It'll be over before we know it. Take care.

((((Boby)))))

Please know that your feelings are yours. You miss him. There is no right or wrong about it. You miss him.

Are you willing to show yourself as much love as you do your WH?

Sounds like you're believe you're ready to forgive him to get him back. Beware of that. You are ready to work with him, accept he's human and suffering...see him for who is and accept him...not forgive that which he does not own or know.

Forgive yourself for being betrayed...for believing you could have prevented it, changed it, made it not happen. This is your inner child, the one who believes they control others. Love that inner child like your son, but do not act from it anymore than you would your newborn speaking and tell you he wants fried chicken.

Okay, if your son did that, I'd be frightened. LOL. I still wouldn't make him fried chicken!

LA

that's it. he left. he hugged me, cried, told me not to worry for money he will take care of us, everything he has is ours, he said he is sorry and left. He told me to call him if I need anything. I told him to take a break next week and see each other on Saturday he said OK. End of story. Will see what the future will bring us.

LA,
I do love myself that's why I want him back, I want the happiness he once gave me, I want the confort and the security he once gave me, I want all of these back. I know for sure I deserve them all.

"He told me to call him if I need anything."

"I hear you believe you will be able to give me my husband back, which is what I need most. I look forward to talking to him again."

Pointing out his truth versus your truth.

You give yourself happiness, Boby. You do that. You are the only one who can. You give yourself comfort and security, because you are the only one who can. There is no deserving, only gifts of presence.

That's what I was trying to show you. I'm glad you love yourself and know you can do all of this for yourself.

LA

My WW was absoultely a WW today if you know what I mean.
She was so frustrated with DDs, nervous, etc.
She went to the grocery store alone, to get some fresh air. Yeah, right. I am not surprised but I bet that they spoke on the phone. As soon as she came back she went downstairs to work on the website...

My in-laws were about to give DDs a bath. DD1 wanted her mom. I went downstairs and told my WW:
"DD1 is calling you. And by the way, I don't know how many knives I can get in my heart anymore..." I turned my back and left. She didn't say anything.

During this afternoon, while she was grumpy, I cleaned up the bedroom, the main bathroom, vacuumed the living room and sung at the same time. I am pretty lousy at singing but it made me feel good.
We'll see.

Did you tell MIL/FIL that your wife had a grumpy face?

Singing while doing chores rocks. Way to go! Good self-care.

Again, why hasn't that cell phone been accidentally flushed?

Great to hear from you, Adrian.

Stay focused on you...warm enough to run again...I think.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LA

Yes I did. MIL didn't really believe me or at least that was my impression. Whatever.
Her concern is what we are going to do with DD2 after they are gone. I told her that we'll figure it out but she seemed very concerned because she saw me in the past being grumpy with DDs and se believed that I was not going to be able to handle DDs. I calmly told her not to be worried.

Anyways, my WW is still working on the web site as I'm typing. The fact that I told her that she hurts me while she does that didn't seem to bother her.

I am OK, waiting to see for Formula 1 race on TV. BIL and a friend will be here for that too.

Hi guys,
I had a funny night,Adrians BIL visited, we talked about the baby with BIL'd wife, he was watching TV, everything OK so far. Then his cell rings.It's a friend, he says I am comming over too. Good, then suddenly we just started talking about things, yelling at each other, not in a bad way, just everybody was telling his/her side of the story. Man, was he deffenting his sister. He was keep saying when I am in your house I am talking about your WH when I am at Adrians I am talking about his WW. They just left to see F1 with Adrian. We were placing bets when Adrian's WW will leave home to go and stay with my WH. BIL said she will never leave home, or if she leaves she is not gonna stay with WH.
So Adrian as I always told you, careful who you trust.
BIL's wife, who is one of the 3 persons Adrian's wife hates (the other one is Adrian and of course me), said that MIL knows for sure what Adrian's WW whant's to do.
Anyhow, it was fun, I feal better, I don't know why.I just feal better.
I hope you guys understood everything I wanted to say. It doesn't sound funny when I tell you but it was trust me

boby,

I got an impression a long time ago that never quite left me. My impression was that WW's entire family is somewhat anti-adrianc. I got that idea from about the time of the "finger slapping" post. BIL has never been a big adrianc fan IMO. When you say BIL was defending his sister, do you mean to say he was telling you that she was "justified" in having an affair? That had to have been somewhat awkward since her OM is your WH. It had to be hard for BIL to defend WW in that sense.