traicionado,

You might be right. But my in-laws will be out of picture in a few weeks. On the other hand, I heard my WW talking on the phone yesterday with my BIL. That was not a very good one. I couldn't hear what my BIL was saying but my WW was very angry with him. She hung up and said "I am not going to answer his calls anymore!" I belive my BIL says sometimes things the pisses off people but he dosen't really mean them. Anyways, I am kind of alone in this battle.
We'll have our hands full (myself and my WW) with DDs after my in-laws are gone. Maybe that will eat up all the time for my WW when she's home and she'll wake up to reality...

traic, you are right. all of then are anti adrian, except BIL's wife. BIL was keep telling us that we should not discuss about his sister we should only discuss about my H because he is the one that left his home.

Adrian , yes maybe that's what your wife need, no time to do something else other then taking care of your DD's. Is she going shopping today? Maybe to the mall close to the apartment, he will be in the mall to, has to install his internet.

adrianc,

To be honest, I think maybe being alone is the big break you need. I know it may seem like things are getting worse but I have a feeling they will get better. I think getting MIL out of the picture is going to be a good thing.

MIL and WW are at Yorkdale Mall (boby, you know where that is), or at least that's where WW told me she was going to go. Anyways, that’s' irrelevant. If my WW wants to meet with the OM she’ll do it no matter what I do.

We went today to an outlet store (too much shopping isn’t it?) and we had a conversation about my BIL’s wife. My WW told me that she didn’t like her because she made comments about her. I said: “You were upset when people judged you but now you feel OK judging her” My WW got upset and yelled at me. She said: “Why did she call you saying that my mother said that you were grumpy the other day, huh?”
I gave up. I knew this was a lost battle before I eve started it.

In front of her parents my WW is in a very good mood. As soon as we are alone (not that there are lost of those moments) she treats me like garbage.

traicionado, why are you saying this?

in·ter·fer·ence ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ntr-fîrns)
n.

The act or an instance of hindering, obstructing, or impeding.
Something that hinders, obstructs, or impedes.

Adrian,


I've been reading and mulling things over, I honestly feel that your in laws aren't aiding in this right now. They are interfering with recovery, and by being available to watch your DD's at any time are enabling her to do "as she wishes"

Boby,

I want to give you a little ray of hope.

When my husband and I were going through our time, he wouldn't lift a finger. Would become agitated with me and our children. Would "need air" etc. At one point I truly thought our marraige was over, and asked him to leave. He acted much like your WH right now when I asked him that. He cried, he was in pain. He had no idea what he wanted to do really.

This very same man is outside with our sons. 15 and 13 years old. Sanding down two beds for us to paint for our daughters. One pink, one purple.

No complaints, no agitation....

If you had asked me a few years ago if I thought this would be happening...I would have given you such a look.

The fact that he was able to show you emotion, that it was obvious he was in pain, I personally think is good. He'll be in that place, knowing he's missing all sorts of firsts with his new baby and the mother of his children.

When you talk to him, let him see your joy in your baby. Smile even if you're on the phone. Expand on all the gurgles and laughs that little one has.

No true father wants to miss out on their baby growing. Only someone with a cold heart can watch the mother of his baby nursing and not feel love and affection.

From what you've written, he's confused. Not cold hearted.

Some might think thats using your baby to get to him. I don't think so. What I think it is, is SHARING your joy with him. Being open about every wonderful thing your baby does, and how it makes you feel. Nothing threatening about it, just pure joy.

Just as you would with a Grandmother and Grandfather. No strife, just sharing. Showing your pride and love for a life you brought into this world with him.

No matter what else Adrians WW has to do with your WH...she cannot share that with him. This is only something YOU can share, a gift you can give him to make him think.

Adrian, the same thing goes with you...

When she gets frustrated with your DD's, tell her something wonderful or cute they did. Share it with her. She loves her children, she made them WITH YOU. People have a bond that can't be broken when they create life. Show her your love for your girls, and tell her how they remind you of her.


Much love,
Snuggles

Hi snuggles,
I am already doing everything you said. For the last 2 month when he was calling me from work asking "how are you" I was telling him about the baby how much he eat, what he did, and nothing about myself. Sometimes he would ask but you, how are you and I would just answer I am fine.
He will miss us for sure, we will see how much, enough to come back? God knows. I guess will see in the future.

Adrian, you are right they can see each other in any mall now. WH is free to go were he wants.

I know the thought of WW and WH being together is very hard. I have been lucky in my situation that WW and OM are separated by distance. Regardless, I hope the two of you can get through this and be patient. I do think things are going to self-destruct very quickly. The fantasy is much nicer than the reality. Reality isn't all that much fun most of the time.

adrianc,

I would ship the in-laws home early. Get them out of this picture. Don't let WW know that you are thinking about it - just make the reservations and surprise her with it. You are only talking about a couple weeks' difference but the message is a strong one. JMO.

boby,

I have only skimmed the last couple of pages due to lack of time but, from my POV, you rock!

thanks traic,
Adrian would be great if you could ship them home right away.

I wish I could expedite this. I don't know how to do it. We are talking about 20 days... Theur tickets are ready.

I am very pissed of today. My WW planned to go to the grocery store today with my MIL and DDs. She was about to leave the house when I asked her where she thought she was going to. Then the ****** broke loose. She went balistic and on top of that my MIL told me that I should go to the hospital to have my head checked. That was too much to take. My MIL told me that "Wait until we are going to discuss your visit to DDs" meaning that she browsed through my stuff... When I asked her about that she said "An eye for en eye" very happy and with a satisfaction smile on her face.

I am telling you, I cannot believe that this woman can hate someone so much. About my MIL, even though I said so many times that she doesn't want us separated I somehow saw her statement coming an yet it still bothered me.

I want this to be over. ASAP.

boby, I believe you are doing great and you are stronger than me.

adrianc,

I am not sure I understand you post well enough but that is not what I wanted to tell you.

What I want to say is hold your breath for 20 days. Get IL's out of your house and your lives and then take a fresh look at this. Just put yourself into a hypnotic trance for 20 days. Things will be vastly different and ultimately better with IL's out of the picture.

Hang in there for 3 more weeks. Just try to maintain until then. Is there a penalty for changing the date of travel? Might be worth the price.

Why would your MIL want to discuss when to see your DD's?

Adrian, everybody is telling me I am strong, I don't consider my self strong. Up to now I was always thinking about what was good in our relationship, you know we never had a fight, you know I always cared for him, always took care of him, sometimes better then his own mother. But when I see how deep he went, when I see he distroyed everything we had then I just want out. Up to the last minute I told him to stay home if not for me at least for the baby. He said he is sorry and he left. He said don't worry about the money, I wanted to tell him, how can I not be worried when I know how Adrian's WW is a big spender, but I told my self I am smarter if I just shut up.
Adrian you have to be strong for your DD's, if you want to have any of them or both of them you can have them, it takes some time, but you can have them, and is not very expensive.Of course if you want a D. She will stay home until the parents are leaving because she will not leave them with you the crazy guy.
Do me a favor and when you talk with your wife about the DD's ank her why would she want the kids, did she not say that the kids are crazy because she made them with a crazy man, see what she has to say.
start defending yourself

boby,

I know you don't feel strong but I have been where you are and you are doing fantastic. I think your situation is also being driven by adrianc's IL's right now. They need to leave. Once they are back in Romania, things will become much more clear - one way or the other. I think the waywards are viewing the IL departure date as their new beginning. It will be the beginning - but maybe of the destruction of the A. The waywards just don't know that.

Since your WH is out of the house. Study up on Plan B and learn the guidelines - especially about your communication. I am not in Plan B so am no expert. Your WH needs to feel some pain of the separation. Don't make it easy on him. While in Plan B, work on yourself and your own personal recovery. Stop worrying about WH and focus on you. You are an amazing woman. You can do this.

To be honest adrianc, that is the part of your post I did not understand but it did bother me. I was hoping you just wrote it badly and in a hurry so I didn't want to read too much into it but boby is right - it is a huge red flag.

Is there a conspiracy going on with MIL involved and they are waiting to lower the boom on you? Where are the DDs' passports?

I meant my WW, not my MIL. Sorry for the confusion. The DDs passports are with me.

Did I make a mistake complaining to my WW that she wanted to go out with DDs without telling me? Was that a LB? Did that damage the relation between my WW and myself? What I wanted was to set a boundary...

Adrian, I say you have the right to know were she is and were your DD's are.

LA, need interpreter:
Saturday I told WH not call this week. He saud OK. Who called me this morning? WH. I didn't answer and he left a message asking how is the baby, I am I and also something for his cell phone. I emailed him what to do with the cell phone and just said we are fine,how are you? he emailed back and asked OK you are fine but how is the baby, he eat, he smiled as ussuly in the morning, tell me how is he doing. I emailed him back and told him yes he eat and he smiled.
Why is he calling if I asked him not to?

boby, IMO you should not communicate with him at all.

I know adrian I shoudn,t it's so difficult to do it. He just sent me an email with some of the baby's picture (he always downloads the picture on his laptop and then sends them to me)

First, Adrian...

"when I asked her where she thought she was going to."

You're really good, I believe, at saying what was said. Do you hear the disrespect in your phrasing here, not in your request? When you make a boundary, you discuss the boundary first, tell of what you will do when she chooses to cross it...the progressive enforcements.

From this phrasing, she felt attacked because you asked her where she had the audacity to think she COULD go without telling you. Big difference. I could have this wrong...if you're speaking in Romanian and it is an English translation thing...although you used a phrase common in English...where do you think you're going? Like you would ask DD1 when she creeps out of bed to get a cookie at night.

(Pretend with me)

I've had difficulty understanding anyone else's perceptions of how and what you say, given the difference in language (you write so very American, I had no idea you were even in Canada...my limited experience, not your doing)...and cultures.

When you ask, "Will you tell me where you are going and who you are going to be with?" then you acknowledge she has the choice...to go, not go; to tell, not tell. Then you choose your enforcement. "You have chosen not to tell me. I do not trust you to _____, so I choose to go with you." or your choice might be, "I will follow you in my car."

Stuff like that. You own it is your trust, your fear, your boundary. You show to everyone that you know your WW is not controlled by you in anyway (impossible to do, but people believe it anyway)...and that you respect her choice. There's no arm wrestling here...known choices and who's choosing.

Please explain to me more cleary what was said by whom, your WW or MIL. I am confused and feel like I had to jump pretty far to get you as to why either responded with what you said.

Boby:

He is calling because he can. You might have a history of saying what you want and then allowing him to do as he wishes. Same issue as Adrian, maybe? If you say, "Do not call me this week. If you do, I will not respond." Then, well, you can't allow yourself to respond, in email or by call, can you?

Read Boundaries in Marriage. You have to be clear on your intent...more like not telling him not to call...but that you will have no contact with him for this week. We must explain our intent and that it isn't retaliation for him moving out. It is what you need to understand the gravity of his choices. Then you have to do it.

I don't presume to tell you why your WH does what he does...I've written about the mind of WS and how they work--torn, cake-eating, not respectful and not based in reality. They want what they want and they want it right now. That's how A's work.

Up to you to choose your boundaries and stick to them. Each time you don't, it is like lying to your spouse. Like a threat without action. Can be easily seen as an attempt at manipulation, not a commitment to self.

Look back in your marriage for all the times you have done this. Stated your thoughts, feelings or beliefs and didn't like the response you received. Or when you asked for something and were ignored. What was your response?

LA

LA,
thanks for your post,you are right again. I know what i have to do but it is so difficult at times to do it. I will try to rezist for the rest of the week not to contact him, or to aswer if he is contacting me. It is very, very difficult. I wish is next week already (Saturday we supose to do some planning what to do with our finances, the house, and everything we have)
You guys wish me luck, I need a lots of it.My horoscope was saying good times ahead for today.