No, the TRUTH did not harm, your affair and your lies are what caused the harm. The truth, on the other hand, was good for your H and good for your marriage.

And the OMW did do the right thing in exposing the affair to your H since you continued to lie to him. It might not have been "good" for you in that you didn't like having your deceit and fraud exposed, but it was good for your H.

You owe the OMW an apology for having an affair with her H. Nothing that she did will erase that. You have to clean up your side of the street. Let's remember here WHO put her in that position in the first place: YOU and the OM. She didn't ask you to hop in the pig pen with her H. Remember, she is the victim here; she didn't ask you to screw her H.

Some day when you do "get it" you will see that she did you a favor by warning your H. She certainly did your H a favor so that he could take steps to protect himself from you.

OK, i'm a little fuzzy on this point,
I have told( and even begged my W, that if therre is more to this thatn she has told me ,I must and have a right to know the truth.)
With that said, I don't know exactly what you'll are asking.
Should the WS tell all to BS? Yes, positively.
Should BS tell all to OP's S? Only in an effect to braak up the affair. Do we have to tell all in spite of the prospective damage to our families? I dunno, I don't think this is productive to reconsiling our M. And whose M is it we are trying to R. Don't our obligations belong to our own families first?
Jerry
w

Jerry, this is just my opinion, but I think in your case it would be meaningless to inform the OMW since they are divorced. She likely wouldn't even care and would view your call as an unneeded intrusion.

But otherwise, I very much believe that a BS should be notified, no matter what the state of the affair. The BS still needs to know. Especially if they have children so the BS can protect himself and his kids and salvage a bad marriage. I see nothing in all this that would be a dereliction of duty to our own children.

Well Mel...the one thing I like about most of your posts is how ambiguous your position is!!

When I struggled with getting my xw to tell me the entire story I considered exposure. OM did not have a spouse. Exposure for me would be with her family (who always suspected her job was a problem) and her employer.

Her PA was long over by the time we divorced. I absolutely believe that I am entitled , that is right, ENTITLED to the truth. To every lie she told me. I was ready and willing to expose to get there. If OM had a spouse I would expose, without hesitation.

Keep 'em straight Mel....

I was just recalling our first encounter...Mel comes out both guns a blazin on a WS and I am trying to be nice, too nice in fact...and she tore me a new A$$....and it looked good on me...;-)

oh yeah...A week from today and I am a married man,,what an insane ride it has been!!1

I'm always AMAZED that anyone thinks that the betrayed spouse has no business knowing that they have been exposed to STD's.

Yeah I know, it is almost sickening....but nevertheless it is reality. If it is not you and me screaming about this, the thought of that goes unmentioned.

There have been excellent posts on this thread giving the reasons for exposure to the other betrayed spouse and we didn't even have to bring up the knowledge of STD's....that about seals it. CASE CLOSED..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LM

Yeah, that is why they call me the Waffle Queen from Texas! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Congratulations, my friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LemonMan, you know they call me the Exposure Queen around here? We are going to have to start calling you the STD King! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


**snort** damn, I just made myself laugh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mel:

(and I am being serious here for once <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)...if calling me the "STD King" gets people to open about this, educate themselves and ultimately protect themselves from the danger of STD's that they very well may get by having unprotected sex with their cheating spouses, then I welcome the title. I'll bask in the glory of being the KING... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LM

ALL HAIL THE STD KING!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Lem,
The STD point goes without saying!
I did have sex with my H after he left. It was always using protection, because I did not want to get pregnant seeing as our M was so uncertain. I trusted him that he did not sleep with anyone, so STD did not even occur to me (yes, I was very naive! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />). But now, knowing what I know, I am glad I used protection, and I am getting tested just in case ( I was tested back in Aug for immigration purposes ~ and the tests came out fine). The fact that he could have slept with someone else (and I believe he did) as he did with me, and in that way put my life in jeopardy is unbelievable <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />.

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

The sad part is that many, many BS's don't have a choice. The WS is having sex with the OP and their spouse, and the BS doesn't have a clue.

With AIDS in the picture now days, I think that ALL BS's should be told that their partner has made the decision to expose them.

LM again brings something to teh forefront that doesn;t normally get addressed.

When xw and I got back together she stated how upset she was when HER doctor tested her for the entire list when she informed dr. of new "divorced" status. She inferred she needed to be tested because of me! This was just a few short days prior to D day. She assured me that she was very safe during her encounters. I do not believe her.

Fast forward to us being together and becoming comfortable with each other. Like any clod guy I never "debriefed" my house (or dresser) for that matter. She was mortified when she went into my top dresser drawer to find condom box, ripped open, all over drawer, empty packages everywhere...I felt really bad....for her reality...the only person I had ever been unsafe with?? Her....someone I did not really know at the time....

So LM would have yelled at me too...and he should have....I clearly know better..

Thanks Mel...

Wow, I guess we've beat this to death, like beating a dead horse but,oops, here I go again.
Ok, here are some other petinant facts in my sitch that i faliled to post first time.
My youngest son was employed by OM during this time and continued to be so at least a year and 1/2 after my W quit and after the ONS. He has a tendency to be very hot tempered(gee, I don't know where he gets that from!)
I know for a fact that if he found out, there would be violence! He would be sitting on the other side of jail bars tight now and not regretting it one bit. It's the very reason why I restrained myself to not comiting violence when every bone in my body wanted to do so.
OM knew this also. After DDay, he rented a car for 4 mos. so I would not recognise him on the road. He moved out of his house and hid at his parents beach house thinking I could not fine him. His friends couldn't understand why he did not use or go near his boat! I was there 3 times a week looking for him. Thank God, I did not!!!!!!!
I look at a lot of things in retrospect now, but not exposing to his self centered, immature, and self serving bit__ of a wife is not something I regret. She had one foot out the door already. They had nothing invested in thier M, and it was not a Q of if, but rather when they would split!!
I don't feel I owe her anything, not today, nor 4 and 1/2 years ago. What happened with my W and OM had nothing to do with her or why she ultimately left the M.
On the other hand, I was about protecting MY M and my family, something she willnever ever grasp.
I stand by my decision to this day and will defend it to any who Question it to this day!!!
All Blessings,
Jerry

1

Well, Send, there may be a WS here who used some kind of protection. In the last 3 years, I've talked to two who did.

Lem,
You and i have talked bout this before. I suggested that i could be your poster guy if you decide to persue this.
I HATE what I have but will nonetheless have to live with it for the rest of my life.
To those who escaped the bullet, god bless you
All blessings,
Jerry

ST Disclaimer --
*Except* when it actually requires me to answer some straight forward Questions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Sheesh,
What happened with you ask ...I respond? [Did & done}.
Then I ask, YOU respond? <crickets>

What happened to this board???
Used to have some basic manners to it.

(Apologizes to any that still do).

I see Justuss removed my one message. Although I did (and do)
think MelodyLane has been condensending in her messages
to several people on this thread, she often does give
good advice. It was rude of me to use the 'word' I used
this morning and I am sorry I wrote it. Forgive me Mel?

That's very condescending of you, but yes, I do accept your apology for calling me an *******. Not a smart idea, though, if you expect to stay on this forum.

Now, back to the question. Does anyone really think that the BS does not deserve to know about a potential threat to their health (their partner is rutting with another)?

This subject is very much in my thoughts. My oldest son's best friend died from AIDS when he was 8. His dad got it from a prostitute. His mom, not realizing that her husband was cheating, became HIV positive. But she didn't know it. She gave birth to her son, and breast fed him.

The son was diagnosed at about 6, because he kept getting sick.

Dad and mom and later, son, died from AIDS - a whole family wiped out.

I agree LM - the OP's spouse has a right to know and that should be done by the other BS. No question.