eldente, it was you who sought me out, not the other way around. So it must be YOU who likes to argue.

You didn't GET my police analogy apparently. The point of the analogy is to demonstrate that it would be ludicrous to blame the messenger for the pain, regardless of the messenger's intent. The messenger's intent does not change the analogy, nor is it even relevant.

Mrs. Lane I didn't seek you out anymore than you seeked out PK and PB and felt the need/desire/messenger idealogy to shove your opinions completely down their throats. Do you think that helps their recovery or do you just want to be "right" regardless?

Yes, I am listening......

I don't have children and I have not had an A. I want to believe that if I had an A (and there were children) I still would tell my spouse that I had this A. I am going by “treat someone the way you want to be treated.” I want to know if my H has cheated, I deserve to know. The same way, he deserves to know if I have.

But let me add, that although I do not have children, I WAS A child at one point. And I did learn that my father and my mother had flaws and were only human. I learned very early on that my father could be unbelievably selfish, patronizing, self centered, at times quite sexist, etc. My mother has her share of short comings as well. I have seen my parents hurt each other, and hurt us(my brothers and me). I learned my parents are human and have flaws (JUST AS I DO). I love them.......their flaws are part of them and I love them anyway….I forgave…...I accept their flaws.

I don't advocate going and shouting "your father/mother had an A".

My only point to your post (PK) was that had you exposed to your H, the OM's wife would not be able to cause any harm. You said the only victim in your case was your H. I respectfully disagree. OM's wife was a victim as well. She found out that her H slept with someone. I doubt she was happy to get that news.

I agree, we all have flaws. I did not come here to attack you. I saw your situation, and my responds to it was simple, the OM's wife would have no power to cause your H any pain had you exposed. How could she cause your H pain by telling him of the A, if he knew about it already? This was my point, and you have not addressed it.

Yes, the world is not black and white, I get it. I am telling you what I would want to know. I don’t want to live with a spouse that had an A (years ago or a week ago) that he chooses to keep to himself. I want to know! I want to know who I am living with. I want to be able to make the choice of living with someone who betrayed me, I want to make the choice to forgive and rebuild my marriage or not. I want to love the other person for their great qualities as well as their flaws.

Daisy

eldente, you posted to me, dear, I didn't seek you out. methinks you are trying to change the subject again.

You didn't respond to my post to you. I answered your charge that my analogy was incorrect, what say you?

It is very interesting to me that the excuse of children being involved is used as a reason not to tell the truth.

Too bad the fact that children were involved didn't have much influence when the infidels decided to proceed with the affair.

Unless of course that hypothetical was presented to me and I got bashed for not being able to use my opinion, backed by fact, logic or reason, to defend it.

Whatever, you are one head strong one ML. This is quite entertaining...you just don't get it. You just don't get it, that you don't get it. And it is so simple.

And be advised...I am not angry. It seems you are more like a cricket on a hot skillet over all this than anyone.

Peace <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Oh, and Heartmending and keepmovin4....

Thanks!! At least I ain't the only one!

believer!


Dead on again!

Daisy

I'm not sure what all that means, Surviver, but I hope you enjoyed typing it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You don't get it?

Dang, I did my best.

Well, I think this has disinegrated beyond any hope of rational discussion and has become a cheap shot session by some very angry, disgruntled people. I will leave the thread on that note. Sorry to ruin your entertainment, Survivor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It's not so much the analogy was completely incorrect, but let's say PK's OM told PB. I guess that wouldn't be any different in your eyes either even though he would be the "embezzler" and "messenger".

As long as you've been here, you've surely seen the hatred of the OP by the BS. Perhaps the anger and hatred is misdirected sublimely by the BS because they have vested interest in their FWS. They love them. They don't love the OP. In this case, I feel the OM's wife wanted nothing more than to dish out pain. Perhaps she feels justified, perhaps she will have a messenger call her game in the future.

PK knows what she did was wrong and PB seems to be healing somewhat.

I lashed out at PK on her very first post, but I'm not too far along the road to recovery myself. It's been a year this month basically, so I unfortunately let my own issues get in the way of my keyboard pecking when I read something she posted.

******EDIT********


But hey, I'm tired of talking about this now. I just hope for the best for PB and PK regardless of police, messengers and embezzlers. How's that for ya?

DITTO

WD, your point about telling my H is very well taken. As I said in one of my earlier posts, the fact that I did not tell him is something that I regret deeply (I was following a professional advice). But add it to the list of regrets; it's long and distinguished. You expressed yourself in a much kinder fashion in this post than you did when you quoted believer's *unbelievably* smug comment about our marriage, perhaps because in this case you were speaking to the BS, not the FWS and that tempered your reply.

My children have been nothing but supportive in this time, and I told them right away so that they would know why their father was distraught. I accepted full responsibility for MY actions - they do not even know the part about the OM's ex-w. I did not think it pertinent because it was my failure. I am incredibly close to my children and have few shortcomings as a parent.

The fact is that IN OUR CASE, the "exposure" *was* used to as a weapon for harm as eldente pointed out. It happened years after the A was over, years after the OM's M was over. The OM's ex called many people who knew us both well and peripherally to spread the good news. According to those who spoke to her, she relished it. That is a fact, and I do believe that her motives are germane to the subject. Does that mean that I don't advocate exposure in the case of an ongoing A? Of course not. Does it mean that my H and I think that I did nothing wrong and the problems we face now are all the OM's ex-w's doing? Of course not. Only someone with an axe to grind would take what I have said and interpret it in that fashion.

The rebuke of the wise? I think not.

*********penaltykill*****

If you have a problem with my edit, my email address is readily available. Any comments or questions, feel free to contact me!!!!

JustUss2@aol.com

To All-----

Discuss, disagree, dispute, analyze, agree, support-- any and all advice and suggestions but DO NOT PERSONALLY attack other posters!!

PenaltyKill - Please accept my apologies for singling out your marriage. It was uncalled for. I should probably stay off this thread, because there are still a lot of hurt feelings that I was kept in the dark for months about the affair. WH got an STD, and I have been tested and was cleared. I should be grateful for that.

PK,
It is likely that I am reacting to your post because of my own situation and the info I have found out recently. He left 9 month ago, and strung me along for months, and gave me a lot of reasons for leaving (they may all have been true) but he did fail to mension that he wanted to persue other women as well. He failed to mention sleeping with OW and having an A. Now, H wanted to be "just friends" and was turning me into his friend and I was trying to be "satisfied" with that. But now I have more information (Not all I am sure) and I have made the decision not to be his friend. He continues to deceive me.....

This is all new, and I am sure there are people that know and new what was up and decided to keep me in the dark for whatever reason. I wish they told me, I was trying hard to save my M, we went to counseling, but how could I have worked with him when I had no idea what he was really doing......Of course, by and large, he is the one who has deceived me and continues to do so by omision and telling me how open he has been....so he is the one I am angry at, not you or any other FWS or any other person who knows something and chooses to not tell....but I do wish they would...knowing the truth is helping me in my recover. I blamed myself so much, and I kept going back thinking what I could have done differently. I am still not blaimless in the failure of our M, knowing what he has been up to does not change that. But, I can understand his motives more, he did intentionally hurt me.

Daisy

White Daisy:
Although no one's commenting much on your posts ....your Right on:
in that the bottom line is Most BS in the end, would want to know (regardless of the source / or even time frame).
Cause after the initial emotions die down, the point isn't WHO told you, its what your S Did or is doing.




Big thanks to you Eldente for cutting to the chase:

You spelled it out exactly:
[with your example]
Doesn't MATTER a persons Intentions or Reasons for Telling:

Just as shinethrough admitted,
Most BS's WANT to KNOW "if" their spouse Has Cheated!

So I'm just having a bit of a Disconnect here,
with posters admitting that They WOULD want to know if caught on the outside of the A Loop,
Yet wouldn't TELL (on OP) themselves.

Then who is going to?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Lets see,
there are 2 expert liars during the A,
so they've proven they ain't gonna rat themselves out.

Then there are the code of silencers and "take it to the gravers" once its over.

Then there's the Rationalizers "who don't want to HURT anyone"
[iregardless of the fact that they didn't CARE enough NOT to Cheat in the first place, since that's where the actual hurt comes from ....but that's another thread].

Throw in embarrassment, guilt, conflict avoidance, ect,.. and the WS and OP have hundreds of reasons to NEVER admit to anything.

So where does that leave us??
With the BS that Does KNOW!!

Yet interestingly enough,
Won't Tell!
However,
Would Want the "other" BS to Inform Them .... IF the situation was reversed.

Man something just seems backwards with that.

Yea, your right ........I Don't get it! --- {this IMO insane double standerd reasoning, that is}

*************
NO hard feelings shinethrough.
If your on the opposite ends of certain debates, it can get a bit testy at times.
Especially here, where you don't actually have to look at the other perosn while you make your points.

Believer, I accept your apology. Thank you. If you have read any of my other posts, you would see that all was not well in my M, both during and long after the A, and that is why your remark stung. We are working on things and counseling w/S. Harley in the hopes of building a better M. It will take time and patience. I am glad that your test was negative, and I certainly understand why this is a hot-button topic for you. I have tried to be sensitive to that by pointing out that I was talking about things in ONLY my case. I was not speaking for everyone - at all.

WD, there is not a day that goes by that I do not have regret after regret after regret about the way I have handled things. But I cannot change the past. You are very young still and I hope that you will heal, either with or without your WH.

********edit********