I have been seperated from my wife, its been aprox 2 months now, we have 3 kids (5,3 & 1) in the initial stage when we were seperated my wife wasn't having any problem leting me to see the kids, since then I have visited my kids only twice. and now she is not allowing me to see the kids anymore due to her family influence.

Now I am in a delima either I must go for a court order to have access to my children or should I hold on and let my wife realise what she is doing not right.

The reason of getting seperated is my wife was asking for a divorce and I had no clue whatsoever, why is that. then later on I found that she had A. though I have informed her family about A. and they asked me if I have any proof. I told them no. on the same time my wife had refused to have A. after that I left the house and still living seperated. and this is the reason that my inlaws are making my life miserable and not letting me to see kids. I have tried to contact my wife and she is not ready to talk to me either.

How should I handle this situation?
thanks
me BS 33
WW 33
3 kids

You got great advice on your first thread, KFH...and I saw the reason why you think you can just pack up and move back in. It was iffy. Why not do that anyway and then find out if you're allowed to afterwards? My reasoning is this...then the reality is on your wife to have you removed.

You didn't answer what you're doing about Plan A. How much have you read here about the Lovebank, Lovebusters, ENs and recovering from an affair?

Why don't you get proof of the A and expose to more than her family? Are you taking your own advice and confronting him on it? Does he have a girlfriend? Why is he still living in your house? Her work? His work? Her friends?

There are great threads about exposure.

I put my H in a similar position. You should know that. He tolerated the affair partner living in our house...his house. I totally understand you leaving, but before you knew? Did you know without admitting to yourself before you knew?

I'm not bashing you--your choices. You made the one to leave to give her space. You did that without understanding why she wanted to divorce, and you did that before she took any action towards getting a divorce. This is important stuff to know.

Did you leave from feeling rejected, in so much pain, that you wanted to put distance between what you thought was the source of that pain?

"me and my wife had stop the communication with each other on very silly things"

Please read the Lovebusters and pay special attention to the disrespectful judgments--DJs. You made one here that may cost you your marriage and greatly harm future relationships, even those with your children.

There are a lot of ways of getting proof of the affair...voice activated recorders, surveillance...others are better at that.

If you are in too much hurt to save your marriage, no one will think less of you. What you want and what you're willing to do to get, how much you can see was your part in the state of the marriage pre-A, all of it is possible.

Seeing your children right now is important. But saving your marriage, is even more important for them, don't you think?

LA

Thanks once again,
I do understand that I was missing alot on fulfilling my wife's EN. this is why I am trying to resolve the conflicts but the problem is I can't see the way to move forward. two weeks ago I went to see my wife and kids but she refused to open the door and told me to go away otherwise I am going to call the police. I asked her can we not speak for 5 min. and she refused it. cause I have opened the A to her family.

now OM's family knows though my inlaws and of course now my family knows about A as well. I got the feeling that WS and OM are not in contact with each other anymore. on the same time my wife is not allowing me talk to her either. later on I went to see my wife at my son's school in the morning but again she didn't speak to me.

I totaly agree with you to save the marriage is more importnat than anything, and I want to do anything to save it but I dont know what to do, specially when my wife is not ready to talk to me at all. I have read most of the articles on this site, LB, EN. and I can see my position what I had done to make the the situation worst. on the same time I dont know how to start working on plan A when I am not having a contact with my wife. you see what I am saying.

even after all of that what I believe, "if there is will there is a way".
thanks
KFH

The hardest thing to do is give space. You are the father of her children. I think that if you show as if you are moving on that may strike her and may make you more attractive to her. I am no pro, thats for sure. My thread is at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=2932157 .

Best of Luck to you! Stick around, you will find the answers you need.

thanks BB
I am now thinking not to go for court order and let her to think about what she has told me about not letting me to see the kids. while she is not happy to see me, what I have done now is, sent her the flowers by post. I dont know how she will take it. is it any good move, can someone tell me if I should do this again or it is the wrong time to send the flower..
thanks
kfj

Don't court her as my wife told me. I did some things as well. I got her some things to let her know I know what she likes. Nothing generic. The things I got for her were small things that I knew she loved. 2 Old movies that I know she loves. 2 CD's (1 our a marriage song, Tanya Tucker - Two Sparrows in a Hurricane) and Al Green. Two Chocoaltes and some "funjons" old fav. snack. All in a Gift Bag. She uses gift bags all the time and I never have. The small things that I did showed I do love her and do listen. I also appologized to her family and they told her, i didnt. I did not do it for no other reason than being a good person and helping me to be the better husband. It was hard but we are back together. She tells me now finally, "I love You". She is helping me through this thankfully. I almost lost all that I have. I realized and woke up! Best of luck to you. Read my thread, maybe something will help you.

Do you recon, if I go back to my brother in law who is trying to influence the most and basically trying to prove me wrong. and start talking to him. preivously my brother in law was trying to aproach me on the same time he was agressive towards me therefore I was keep ignoring him. now I got a feeling that if I go back to my inlaws they will think that I am the guilty party and they will support my wife even more stronger to stay away from me. i dont know how to start communication. I am really getting no clue whatsoever.

I have read your thread twice, in your situation you had the option to comunicate whereas I am missing that bit. and trying to establish the communication. should I start sending her and my kids weekly letter (by post) just kind of short messages saying how is everyone and then later on mention that I will be comming up to see you !!!!

I do get the frustration of not being able to communicate with your wife. When I urged you to understand the LBs, I was hoping that part of the communication/shut out problem was the DJs. You're now saying it is because you exposed to her family, but weren't believed, and now they are telling her not to communicate with you or allow you to see your kids?

Yes, letters, notes, emails...however you think you can communicate your love and commitment to the marriage, then try it. Weekly? Daily? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Why no proof? You believe they aren't in contact, which is good, but your wife may be in withdrawal from OM or from you, I don't know which.

I think getting the legal right to see your kids put into place is probably the correct thing to do. My thinking is that many times I saw my H's lack of action to translate into meaning lack of caring. Not that he was being patient or cautious, but callous. Your kids need to see you, you need to see them, and your wife is doing what she is doing with only your mindreading/assumption at stake. Until you hear why you're being shut out from her, try not to set yourself into that belief.

"preivously my brother in law was trying to aproach me on the same time he was agressive towards me therefore I was keep ignoring him."

Gotta point something out...you were ignoring him because you didn't like the way he approached you? Could that be what your wife is doing, also? She doesn't like your approach and is shutting you out?

KFH...I should have encouraged you before to move your thread to "Infidelity Forum" under "General Questions II" so that more people will see your post and respond. Not as many view Resolving Conflict, and though it is appropriate, since infidelity plays a part in your seperation, I would post there.

As for your inlaws, all of them, you can take the perspective that they are attempting to prove you wrong, or you can believe that they don't want you to be right because then they would be uncomfortable with their daughter/sister's actions.

Your life and your decisions, KFH. We're here for ya.

LA

Seems to me there may be more to the story and they may have hidden agendas. My communication window was really one sided at first. I had to prove. We were together for 10 years and that might have played into the equation. I agree that you do get legal rights to see your kids as that is unfair. What are her reasons for not allowing you to see your kids. Love, wonderful thing that really hurts. What to do, What not to do? I honestly think that if she still cares for you and too much damage has not been done than showing her you are moving on with your life and keeping high spirits could make her realize what she is missing. I know that when I was younger and dated, When the girl was all about me calling, etc it was un attractive. When I had to "Chase" it created a different situation that had me wanting them more. But I was young and I hate "games" today but think it helped then. Every situation is different.

today, I went to see the lawyer and explained them the situation, they have recomeneded me that they will send WW a letter (and it would be kind of very gentle letter) saying that I want to see the kids and on the same time they will suggest her to arrange a madiation date (if she is interested) so that we two (me and mywife) can get agreed between us the matters we need to discuss. (no inlaws will be involved in this process). which is great, if she accepts it. now what I think by doing this I will be getting a chance atleast to establish a communication link between me and my wife. and gradually I can take it from there. I am hoping that my wife will not get the situation worst i.e. not accepting the madiation option and going to the court.

lets see what is going to come up. I will keep you all updated as any response comes up.
thanks
KFH

Thanks for the suggestion to move the thread but I am not sure how to move it, any help/adivce.
thanks
kfh

I m going to repeat myself here again just in case if one of you havn't seen my post in Infidelity column.

Today I have recvd two drafs from my solicitors to send to WW in regards with, first one, for contact arrangement with kids and second one for matromonial matters (to reslove through madiation or couple counciling) its has been clearly mentioned in the letters that I am not interested to see my inlaws and if there is anything we we have to discuss it should be between two of us. I m not expecting that WW will accept to go for couple counciling but I m keeping my options open. let see what will come in response to these letters.
KFH

hello any tips with me... im to have NC per the law.. but she calls me so that i can talk to the kids... she is having an affair with my brother and he is staying at my house... how to i convey to her that i still want to R and not be demanding at wanting my brother to leave my house.. you can read my plight.. i really need help i can still talk to my kids and that helps but i want to also talk with her..