Just wondering if it is good for my BS read my posts and replies? And should I read hers? Is this healthy or asking for trouble?? LO

How does your wife feel about it?

She's itching to read 'em. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, lostone, I also talk to JustEmpty and we've suggested to her that it's probably best just to let you talk to others for a while.

I don't think for a minute you'll end up like some couples on here who use each other's threads to take shots at each other but it can happen. You both seem like very nice, reasonable people and I just can't see that happening but I think it's important you can be honest right now without worrying whether JE's going to be hurt by what you say.

longstone....
Don't mean to threadjack, but milkshake is strugeling with some things. In her thread she wanted to know if the FWH does have some remorse.......and if they come here to post. Maybe you have some words of wisdom for her...

Daisy

BTW, lostone, I'm the FWW.

Low Orbit is a FWH who could give you a lot of support.

Hi there, Lostone. your BS told us you were here. I am so glad you are. Many of us BS's wish OUR'S would. You've got something great going with your wife if you're here with us, you chose to come here, and that shows how important it is to you to help her heal. For instance, my FWH assumes that this place is one sided, which it is not. I might add that he's NEVER been here... If he would come here as you have, he would see that this place is all about SAVING MARRIAGES, not turning BSs against thier FWHs, as he seems to think. Thank you, seriously.
To answer your question, IMHO, YES, your spouse should read your threads, and you should read her's. NO SECRETS IN MARRIAGE, right? Anything you can say to us, you can feel ok with her reading. The more open you are with eachother, the better your recovery should be. At least, that's how I feel. Reading eachother's threads allows you to tune in on feelings niether of you feel safe sharing with eachother, but nevertheless, NEED to be shared. This HAS to be best, in the long run. Honesty is the best policy, and if either of you have feelings you are afraid to come right out and say to eachother, at least both of you know you can share those feelings here, and that most likely you will read about them at some point. Better than keeping to yourself, am I right? Really, lostone, I wish my H would come here so that we'd have the benefit of all this.
It really is for the best, the best for your marriage, which is the base for your family. What could be more important than that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Monica,
I too am so glad to be here. I should have listened to her a long time ago. It is however ironic as I just told my wife today I thought most people on here were the BS. But I have gotten some replies from WS'S also. I think you are right in saying to let her read my posts, I was just afraid of being afraid of writing something if I knew she would see it, but I think when writing is flowing I can write better than actually talking to her, sound wierd? But anyway I agree, and think I will tell her it's ok to read mine if she would like. I don't know if I want to read hers though. I guess I am a bit old fashioned, LOL Also I recieved some replies like you wishing their WS would visit and post. I am so glad that I did, just sorry it's taken so long to make that first step! LO

Don't feel too bad if you don't want to read hers. My FWH has had the chance to read my story, and hasn't wanted to. I don't blame him at all - he has a very hard time already knowing that he hurt me so terribly, and I think the raw pain of a blow by blow account would be too much for him even yet.

Maybe someday, in a few years, he should go back and read, and maybe you too, but when you are stronger and better able to face the full devastation.

Just my thought on the matter... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lost 1/06:

Like many things in your situation .......that's entirely up to the 2 of you.

For instance much like with Details:
(Its what you can each handle and what works best with your personalities).

Truly,
Some couples really seem to use the board to their advantage ......to open up communication that maybe they can't do face to face.

Some even manage to use the "other" points of view to temper their responses to one another.

However,
Others have used it to go at it like cats and dogs.
To get really heated and basically just Go At one Another .....tragically with other posters just fanning the flames.

So its really about the 2 of you.

Just for me,
I wasn't really all that comfortable with my W reading and posting here.
Made me somehow feel like I couldn't be as Open as I'd like.
Mostly cause this was also a place I could come and VENT some of my frustrations over our situation.

I would have been a lot more cautious/reserved if she was here more regularly .....and that Isn't what I needed back then.

Not saying it was right or wrong ......simply that's how I felt about it.

Plus even when she was here .....she wasn't quite as "in to it" as I was.
That kind of got under my skin too.
Kind of like she was doing this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> to me all the time.

Bottom line is I guess you'll NEVER know till you actually try.
If you do, and its uncomfortable or not working ......couldn't you just go back to Not reading??

But if one or both are not comfortable with it now, then just Don't.
(Man how's that for straddling the fence). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I agree that you two ought to do what works best for the two of you.

However, I will throw in my opinion...

The early stages of RECOVERY were extremely difficult for my H and I. We both were extremely emotionally raw.

It was best for us to take it really slowly, only carefully and tenderly opening up wounds.

So, as I told you before, the EARLY FOCUS was on the present, enjoying our time with each other, becoming comfortable with each other again, MINIMAL RELATIONSHIP TALK...Me, the FBW, asking brief questions about (time, place, etc.), he, the FWH, giving brief answers..VERY SLOWLY BUT SURELY....

THE MAIN THING WAS FOR US TO BE LOVING TOWARDS EACH OTHER..DEMONSTRATING LOVING BEHAVIORS...Gentleness..kindness..affection..gifts..

I would recommend for you two not to do too much..too soon...

It's been almost 3 years for us and we are just now getting to ALMOST NORMAL...

Mimi offers *very* good advice here. It's best to spend a lot of time with *each other*. As she points out, the early stage of recovery is hard enough, and the "fanning the flames" by some posters does occur.

I began posting here (FWW) after I revealed my A to my H. After a couple of months my H started posting. It was not good. He and I both came to the conclusion that he was just getting confirmation from some posters that it was ok to treat me with anger and disdain. They were transferring the anger and hurt of their own situation onto ours. He wound up getting angry over things he hadn't even thought of....

He made the decision not to post, but he does read my posts and ask about them sometimes. We're currently in marriage coaching w/S. Harley. I recommend it.

Whatever works well for you both. Best of luck in your recovery. Treat each other kindly whenever and wherever possible.

Penaltykill,
Thanks for the reply, She wants to back off this site for a while and let me "fix" myself or at least try to, LOL So I think in a bit when I am stronger I will read her posts and she can read mine, but I am going to take the advise to not read for now, We'll see. Thanks again, BTW nice ID are you a hockey fan??

lostone, Yes I am a manic hockey fan, hockey mom and (shh) figure skater.

Go USA!

Take care lostone. Be good and kind to your W. Spend time w/each other, as mimi advised.

Just wondering by the ID, we live in hockey country way up in the NE, I love hockey, wife hates it and she is from up here and I am from StL, Go Cards!!!

lostone, as I am a hockey fan, when I revealed my A, I felt a distinct loss of positive energy in the M. I felt that I had to go on the defensive - hence the name. I'll be killing this penalty for a while....as it should be. I have to remember to send my strongest players out.

You are the first person to pick up on it. To my horror, I found that some posters thought I was referring to murder - I keep forgetting that hockey isn't as important to some people as it is to me!

I hesitate to say which team I favor as it will say where I live. But we get front row seats a few times a year, and it is THE BEST. (As if I don't go to enough hockey games for my son - 4 a weekend)

Now, St. Louis, what a baseball town! My friend lives there and her family is crazy about the Cards.

I vote for staying off each other's threads for a while unless you're both completely comfortable with sharing. You can always decide at some point in the future when you're ready. I think that fits in with Radical Honesty and POJA. I'm sure it helps that she knows you're in good hands here.

Belated welcome to you!

Dobie

Thank you Dobie, My wife (Just Empty) says great things of you, Lostone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />