We have had several heated texts back and forth today. In one I told him that I needed to take a step back from him. That I still believed in God and His healing. That I loved him still but could not have anything to do with him so long as she was there with him. The last two I sent him I told him that there really wasnt anything else to talk about. He wanted what he wanted at the sacrifice of us and his family.I hoped it made him happy. And that OW would always be known to our kids as the person who tore up their family and our marriage. Always and it will never be the same again.

All that said, I think that should suffice for a plan b letter. Just need to adhere to it. We talked a little last night and I reminded him that if he moved to Vegas, he would rarely see his daughter. He said that was the one thing that was stopping him. Thought about finding something still in our state so he would be closer. I dont think he gets how little time he is going to have with her. Not that he really goes out of his way to see her much now.

Anyway, just venting some of these feelings. I have a job interview this week. YEAH!!!Only a temp job, but still something. I need to get on with finding things that make ME happy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Katie,

I know you're in a whirlwind of pain, and I can feel it from here. No doubt. Big hurt.

My concern is for you. You're saying it is time for Plan B. I agree with you fully. However, saying that your text msgs were like a Plan B letter, well, I have to call you on that.

"The last two I sent him I told him that there really wasnt anything else to talk about. He wanted what he wanted at the sacrifice of us and his family.I hoped it made him happy. And that OW would always be known to our kids as the person who tore up their family and our marriage. Always and it will never be the same again."

This is why it is always great to post a Plan B letter before you send it. What you wrote here is full of DJs. There is no loving commitment, your truth from your heart, why you are doing Plan B, to protect your love, and a way back from his waywardness.

You know why this isn't a Plan B letter? It can't be. You're in so much pain you're gonna beat him with your stick until he's bloody and then say, "So, ya wanna make a go of it?"

Read ark^^'s Be a lighthouse

Your Plan B letter is the last thing your WS gets to hear from you before you got dark...all your preceding actions, your Plan A, are what illumine in that darkness. Leaving on a bashing, DJ, lovebusting note leaves you light.

Your children deserve your best. You deserve your best. Your pain is overwhelming you right now and that's under your control. Not his.

Doing stuff for yourself, the job, tending to your own truth, that is necessary and healthy. It is a big part of Plan B. Lying to yourself isn't. You want to know that you did everything possible to save your marriage. That you won't be taking your own crud with you into the future...not into another relationship or back into your recovery.

Only you contol this. Only you. Doing stuff the right way is as important as doing the right thing. You can do this. It is the very best way, most truthful way, of taking care of your self.

LA

Who will be your safe third party for Plan B? You can't call or talk to him, you need someone to be that safe intermediary. Who?

Personally, I think it's too late for Plan B. This affair has been going on for over 1 1/2 years. I'm mean, I think you COULD Plan B but it won't be very affective.

What you need to do at this point is to protect yourself and your family. I would immediate and that would be on MONDAY file for whatever your lawyer thinks you need to do. You should file for legal separation or a divorce. None of that means you need to go through with a divorce. What it means is that you will protect your assets. Your funds will be frozen. CS would be accountable for any abnormal expenses after that you file.

Las Vegas is a terrible place for CS. (Cheating Spouses) Too many temptations with abolutely no moral framework in place. There have other people on this Board who have had CS go to Vegas. Some of blown a good chunk of their family monies. Don't let that happen to you.

Our situations are similar in many ways. Our children are about the same ages and the A has been going on for about the same amount of time. At this point, both of us really need to think about where our relationships at going.

Sorry, I'm not trying to be negative. I'm being realistic.

Well, I know you are right about the dj's and all that....I just want him to hurt as much as I hurt today. I dont think he will ever get it. And I am not sure I even care anymore. I am tired of hurting, loving and wanting a man that does not want me. It has been 21 months since this first started. Today, I am very tired. Today, I wish I had somebody to hold me and tell me it was all going to be ok.

What would you suggest I do? Apolojize via text for making those judgements? As for a third party, I will have to think about that. Seems I have a few days to think about that since he will be gone for 2 weeks.
I think for today I will just allow myself to hurt and watch the olympics with my daughter. Seems thats all I can do...one day at a time.

BTW: I have been in Plan B since August. It's a hard but very effective thing to do. Getting some mental space from your CS really helps to clarify your thinking.

Be sure you have explained to your children what is going on. They really need to know about a dad that skips off to Vegas without a care.

Hugs.......

Yes the kids know. I have not hidden anything from them. If anything, I have probably told them too much of what is going on. I have to watch that.

As for Vegas, he is trying to get a job there. She has an interview there...reason they are going. He has a brother that lives there...staying with him. And you are right, Vegas is not the place for him. He has sexual addiction issues...great place for that. Even though he has told me in the past few days he is going to seek counciling for his issues.

But as for plan d...he might have already filed. Not sure. But finances are the issue. There is none. He went to Vegas on money loaned from brother that lives there.

Plan B... is very hard. But I guess that is the point.

Thanks Grapegirl and Loving.

Katie, no apologies. What do you owe him an apology for? Losing your temper? Has he done NOTHING to make you angry? What judgement could anybody make except that he is a jerk who has run out of his family for another woman? What's done is done. He deserves your wrath.

Move yourself out of this situation. That's one of the things Plan B is about. A Plan B letter is a love letter that is also a road map home. It also says (in effect) don't bug me until you can be a true husband. When my CH whined to his parents that he wanted to come back but couldn't because I was too angry, I firmly said that he KNOWS what he needs to do to come home. If he chooses not to do them, there is nothing I can do.

If you don't separate yourself, you will be thinking about what is going on in LV every single second of the day. And you must not. Give yourself some time to grieve and work through the hurt. Look forward to getting a job. After years as a SAHM, I went back to work in August. It really helps take your mind off the situation. It's a baby step into something else.

I'm going to watch the Olympics with my daughter, alone and unhugged tonight also. I hope your daughter and sons are as supportive as mine.


((((((((((((((Katie)))))))))))

Oh, Katie,

I tried before for you in your thread to see where your choices are and how you make them. Your self honesty is still there "I just want him to hurt as much as I hurt today."

Do you see how damaging this is to yourself? What you do? Why you do it? That's where I'm going, here. Do you think that when your H was in so much pain that him choosing an affair was justice so you could feel as much pain?

Your beliefs are yours...what you choose from. I want you to have a thriving, full life. Your choice.

Putting another in pain doesn't not lessen yours in any way. It adds to it. You do that to yourself.

When you discover why you're willing to do this, you can change your belief.

I learned this. I was there. I know. I'm not bashing you--you are only doing what you know how, until you know better.

Grapegirl is right about finances...sharing the cost of his affair in that way, as well as all the others, well, you have control of that. Take your power and use it. For you. Your kids. You can do this.

Stating that you DJ'd, recognizing and making amends is not an apology. It is taking ownership of what you do and why and not allowing yourself to do it in the future. "Here's what I did...I love and respect myself more than that. I chose the wrong way to express my pain. I will be mindful of this in the future."

Only can be done when you really get where you are willing to destroy stuff because of your pain.

LA

Thank you Ladies for being here tonight. For taking time to write. My mind is having a hard time getting too deep into the whys and therefore's, so please forgive me if I keep it very simple.

I agree that even though I dont have to apolojize for my feelings, I should for the way I voiced them. I can have a very harsh tongue. I just feel raw today.
I WANT to be a whole, emotionally healthy person that can stand alone and not have to have another person to make me whole. I know that is what I want, but today cant seem to get there.

Thank you both for listening.
Katie

Well, I texted him. Said I apologize for the mean and disrespectful things I said. chose the wrong way to express my pain and hurt. I will be mindful of this in the future. And said, Contrary to what he might think, I am changing. I am not a shrew and dont want to continue the way I have in the past. Change is required but hard.
I got back... Ok.

Which is very true. I dont want to do things the way I have in the past. I recognize the concept of "if you do what you have always done, you will get what you always got."
But, Loving, you are right in that I want to be able to say I tried everything and that I did everything I could. But honestly, I think he does not want to try anymore. But I think he will find that he will not find the happiness he seeks.

Katie

Well, my oldest DS called last night and said his dad had called him.WH told DS he was in town and wanted to see him. DS knew WH was coming thru, I told him. So he didnt sound excited when his dad called. DS is angry with WH with all this and is taking small steps to show him. Just told WH he was working. I think WH got the picture and said he would let him go since he was working.

So, I hope that WH is understanding that he is going to lose the relationship with his son that he has always enjoyed. Maybe it will make him think today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Katie

Katie,

How do you think he took your aplogoy? As it was meant or do you think he will use it to justify his sitch?

Thnk about this before you put yourself on the railroad tracks for him. Don't hurt your soul to soothe the WS. Not worth it.

L.

I am not sure how he took apology. All he said was ok. But knowing him, he probably looked at it as too little too late. And with her sitting right there with him, him probably confiding everything with her....then I am sure she poo poohed everything I had to say...(she is a psych major).
It is very very hard not to hate.

I know that you are like Queen of babble around here, Orchid. Any suggestions? His comments yesterday via text... that he loved and cared about me and always would. That even if we were not married he could do nice things for me...ie the candles. And that he guessed it was a bad idea to be kind to me at this point.

I honestly think he feels he can be my friend, take care of us and be married to her. Kind of like Reba. Well, I aint Reba and NEVER will I be friends with OW.

Anyway, sorry to run on.
Katie

Everywhere you turn, there is hearts and flowers, love and romance.....makes me ill this year. Having a hard time tonight I guess...My mind has taken over about what he is doing and where they are going. WH and I spent at least 5 anniversaries in Vegas, vaction with kids. Lot of memories. Now he is there with her...sullying up all our memories.
Makes me hurt. Trying to not let it get close to me...
But dang its hard today.

Ok, It seems I am posting to myself these days...but I have a question. OW WAS living with her mom. I did not expose to her. From what I know, she likes WH. Not sure if she knows the situation or not. OW now lives with a girlfriend, for the moment.
My question is, should I email or call OW's mother? Or just let it go? I have spoken with OWH several times but he is not interested in saving his marriage. More of a good riddence and is glad my WH is stuck with her.
Also my other question. WH is gone till at least the 24th....should I just email a plan b letter? I dont have a mailing address for him at his new place. I guess I could ask him for that and send it snail mail as well.
Any response??

Well, at this point, what do you have to lose. You might as well find a way to inform the OW's mother. You never know how it may help your situation. Perhaps the OW's mother has no clue that her daughters boyfriend is a lying, scoundrel cheat who has abandoned a wife and children. If it was my daughter, you can be sure that receiving a letter from you would MOVE ME to do something about it. Perhaps it will not do anything for you, but at this point, it cannot make things any worse. I'd try and uncover every stone. Ya never know.

You can't win the lottery if you don't play.

LM

Thanks lemonman. You're right...I wont win if I dont play. And I have absolutely NOTHING to loose. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok, I did it. Emailed OW's mom. I guess we wait and see if she will email me back or not. Just told her I knew of the affair almost from the begining, that I loved my husband and was committed to my husband and wanted to reconcile. That he has had doubts about divorce because he had filed once and cancelled it. That I still had a daughter at home and she needed her dad here.

I guess we will see. I am sure that it will make it back to WH as soon as tomorrow. So I guess I should prepare for the onslaught of anger??

I'm glad you did it. Hopefully the mom will have some influence on the daughter. You know sin hates the light. You are doing good by brigning the affair out of the shadows.

((((Katie)))) Hang tough, girl.

Its probably to little too late...but I have nothing to loose that this point. I am SURE she is going to forward email to OW and WH will get it as well. So i have to be ready for the stuff to hit the fan. What do I say?