I texted WH tonight about our son. Sent several texts giving him the legal details. Then several were sent and I hope I didnt step over into the LB area, but I was truthful. Some input would be nice.
M-I guess we have followed in the steps of my aunt to a T.(my aunt has 4 sons, all in jail or in trouble with the law and she is divorced)
WH-I was thinking the very same thing.
M-I guess we are another statistic for the world books.
WH-yeah, I guess so.
M-Doesnt have to be this way. It all comes down to choices and what is more important. I guess what is important to one is not to another.
WH-Katie, as God is my witness, it is ALL important to me.
M-I guess somethings are more important to you. Because if we were important to you, we would not be in this place. We were not important enough. You have other priorities.
M-we just place higher priorities on differnt things. we used to have same but yours are different now and they include our marriage or our family.
M-Or shall I say they DONT include us. Missed a key word.

I have not heard back from him. I am sure he is feeling guilty and I am sure if he is telling her about the conversation, she is telling him how manipulating I am. I didnt say anything untrue. But I dont know if it will even register or make it thru the fog.

Was it a LB?

Katie

Has his head peeked out?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />I dunno...this is the text conversation from this morning, he is finally getting around to responding from last night....(see previous post)

H -I was not too important to you for years..(this is in response to "I guess somethings are more important to you. Because if we were important to you, we would not be in this place. We were not important enough. You have other priorities.")
H -thats also why we're in this place..("we just place higher priorities on differnt things. we used to have same but yours are different now and they include our marriage or our family.")
M -You have always been important to me. I failed to show in ways you needed, just as you did for me. We have not commmunicated well and needed lessons, or I did.
H-I admit that I needed help in those areas as well. But you and the children were everything to me. I resent you saying otherwise.
M -always thought we had same priorities.But again our communication was bad. I have learned just how bad. I am sorry for that, really i am. because of that our family suffers.
M-You were everything to me as well. I took you for granted. We both needed some guidance. We needed it shown in different ways, our love language is different, needed help.
M -I didnt feel like we were everything. I didnt feel like I was everything.
H -I am sorry for that.
M -I love you very much and I know how much we both hurt each other. But as you say, we are different people, just happens we are married.
H -yes we are. and I have to admit that i still love you too. to a point.
M -Maybe for our children we should consider getting to know each other. Our family needs us. And it used to be the right thing or we thought it was. I still do.

Ok so i saw his head peek out for a second. But I have not heard back from him....so I decided to just let it lay for now. Did I do ok with not being accusatory and accepting my part?

Some feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Katie

LovingAnyway,

I looked this up for myself. Thought it was worthy to post. Thank you.

The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith


People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

Thank you, Katie. I love those. Can you believe he wrote them at 19 years old for a college class?

You never know where insight will come from; don't judge it. It's yours. Rely on yourself to be open to change and closed to your own poor choices.

Your own code is what truly does matter. You know about your responses to WH. Only you can judge them, 'k? Lot of good information in what he believes in there. Remember, you can't change that, but knowing helps.

LA

No, I cant change anything. He wont let me. But I am trying to make sure he has been heard and I own up to my part of the things he is talking about.
I just dont know if I should continue this way or just go to plan b and not have any contact with him at all. Things like today give me a little spark of hope and I know I should have NONE, ZIP, NADA...because I always get hurt when I get my hopes up.

But for whatever reason, I keep hanging on. I do love him and I did marry for life. So I guess if he wants to divorce me he can do that...I dont have to sign...but he can do it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

How about that revised Plan B letter? Remember, it is done to save your marriage.

"But I am trying to make sure he has been heard and I own up to my part of the things he is talking about."

I see that.

"No, I cant change anything. He wont let me."

Here, we disagree. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You aren't hanging on...you are considering ways to save your marriage and recover the H and get rid of the WH. That's what I see.

I look forward to the letter...

LA

Ugh...hate writing this letter. but i will look at it tomorrow.
Might have something to show...its just depressing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

How about a blast from the past...

"Dear Wh,

When we met 22 years ago, I thought you were the kindest, sweetest guy. You made me feel so special. I love how you have always taken care of your family; how you bring little gifts when you go out of town and how compassionate you are to others. You always try and go the extra mile for people…if you borrowed their car, you returned it full of gas. I love that you are giving have always been my cheerleader.

I want to apologize to you for my part in creating your unhappiness in our marriage. I did not realize how much hurt I had caused you by my actions, how much resentment you had for me or how it had built up over the years. I didn’t understand how important some of those needs were to you as a man. It hurts me to see how we have both hurt our marriage and relationship. We pray one day we will see my husband and the father of our children is returned to his family. We miss you, Dad.

I have done a lot of reading and soul searching these past months and have learned a lot of things. Tools needed to make a marriage loving, supportive, open and honest. It gave me hope that things could be different, that I could be different. I want to continue to change and grow into the woman God wants me to be. But as long as you continue your relationship with OW, I will do this alone, with our children.

You may call the kids or email them. I will email concerning the kids and finances only. If you want to make arrangements to see the kids, then I will not be here when you come by. Please respect my decision to separate this way. Your continued relationship with OW is hurting me and is hurting our children. I still love you, but I just cannot see you under these conditions.

If you are willing to permanently separate from OW and will go to marriage counseling, I would be willing to discuss this with you. I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday, a new marriage built on truth and honesty. But I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are with OW.

I love you so much, WH"

Remember this one from a year ago?

Dearest Cathy--I did a whole history read for the past two hours...ohmygosh. Now I get it. No Plan B will work for you because you aren't willing to work for you.

That's not a bash. I accept that about you. Over and over, you had the best of the best, and you are one of the best, but you can't cut off from your WH. I get that. I don't think I could have back then for me, either. Cathy--do you know for sure the difference between an ultimatum and a boundary?

Did you go to Al-Anon? You admit to the control freak in you...this is where we go to cope, heal, know and change. It is where you can learn to be...just be.

I read all that and then thought--wait, will she disappear again for months? She does that. Well, I can't control the future, and I will pray she stays this time. Seeing everything all the way through. She's worth every moment, prayer and key I type.

I know this.

When will she really know this, too?

LA

LA,

Wow. What can I say? You took the time to read my history. That speaks volumns to me. To be worth someones time, isnt that what we all want? I quit coming mostly because I wasnt getting a lot of help, or the kind of help that was helpful for me. Make sense? I am humbled and grateful at the time you have taken for me.

Al-Anon...no I have not been there. I know I am co-dependant. I hate lables but that one fits. And so does enable. I know I have those tendancies. Have realized that about myself in the past year. Dont think I could have admitted that last year.

Ultimatum vs boundary...No, I dont really know the difference. I have read a little about boundaries. Read the book Boundries by Cloud & Townsend and learned a lot. I think the basic difference is ultimatum is you do this or else.Boundary..you do this and I have to remove myself from the situation. Is that right? To me it is a very fine line.

To just be....Dont know if I know how to do that. I want to fix everything. My mom has told me even as a small child I wanted to do that. I have no memories prior to my parents divorce when I was about 7. Fleeting memories of places, but no memories of my father. I remember more after that time, but I dont have memories of feelings or emotions till after my mom and step dad married when I was 9.
All of that to say, my mom has told me when I was small and even till now, I have wanted to fix things. I mothered her and my brother, then my sister when she came along. I guess this is my identity. So to just be....what is that? Is that NOT fixing something? Is this what WH means by me not having any dreams? or goals?

I will try to not disappear again. I do want to be a normal person, but dont know how to get there. It was a huge step for me to go to IC just for me. And it will only last as long as I am still married to WH because of insurance. After that, well I will probably be one of the millions of xw that are below poverty level. Guess thats what comes from investing in H's career, being SAHM and not getting your own security....thinking it would always be this way.

The letter....yes, I think this is the letter I finally sent him last time. That would have been about March I think. Not sure. That was when he moved out, got apt, and filed for D in like 2 days.
As you read above, WH and I have texted a little the past 2 days. He made a commment last night I thought was curious. He said your welcome for something, but it was more of a sexual conotation. I asked him not to tease me. I couldnt handle it. If there was something to back that up, it might be ok but otherwise it was going be a drought, barren wasteland, long long long time till rain predicted. He said this..I know, I am sorry. I wish I could guarantee rain and sunshine and warmth. But I'm barren too. I'm sorry I have let you down to the max.
I know you are probably going to tell me to just let it "be" and not to try and read into anything. But this kind of thing drives me crazy. I want to have hope he is getting it, I want to hope that he is coming around. But I know logically I should not have ANY hope. I dont know how to have hope and to just let it "be". I want to fix it. It seems to be one or the other to me.
If you have not figured this out about me, I am very much a "give me a manual and I'll fix it" kind of person. Or fiddle with it till I figure it out. INSTRUCTIONS are our best friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> But when it comes to other things...ingor it and maybe it will go away. Or I dont know what to do, so I will leave it alone. I tend to define myself more of a Martha and less of a Mary. Though I want to be a Mary, I dont know how. So, I do Martha because I know HOW to do Martha. Make sense to you?

Ok, its to early to be this deep and crying already. I will come back later. After more coffee. Do you think I should combine my letters?

Cathy

Well, I decided to respond to his last text. I said, yes you did let me down, just as I let you down.I am learning to have a warm,growing, caring life. wish you wanted that with me as well. our kids do to.
I never know what is a deliberate guilt trip and what is not. I didnt mean it as one. But I am sure he will take it as that...everything these days is a guilt trip.

We will see what he says when he gets the message.

Get thee to an Al-Anon meeting asap, pretty please?

If I told you were abusive to others and to yourself, would you want to immediately stop doing that?

I hope in IC you are working on those memories pre-7 because I believe you are locked into reactions from that time.

Yes, I hear your language of love is attention--being worth time and effort tells you that you are valuable. I was exactly the same way...now I still have that language, but at a much lower level.

I didn't tell you before, but I have a memory of Mt. Pleasant...It was lovely (drove there from College Station 23 years ago) and water skied for the first time in my life. The place made me homesick for Colorado, which I eventually got back to...not too much snow for me...hardly on the ground longer than a day!

So, there's my connection. Also, do you listen to Klove? I think it is in your area. I love it. Another connection.

You feel adamant that your WH's A began after he moved out for some space. Seems like you really dislike others having a different opinion on that. They aren't living your life, but what they smell, they smell. I'm interested in why this is so important to you--that he wasn't actually, positively cheating when he was at home with you before moving out? That's my focus. Would you take the middle way...that he was in a cheating-state of mind, though had not yet decided on whom to cheat with? He began revising history before he moved out...and acted on his feelings, not his beliefs. Curious about your reaction now.

While you were adamantly defending him, you only whispered a couple of times the bigger reality...this was his fifth round of infidelity...with 4 ONS' preceding it. You don't want others to judge your H harshly? So you shield him even here, when we are about you and caring for you? Do you believe who he is reflects on you?

Bet you're gonna regret all my attention to your history, huh? I promise not to rewrite it.

(((Cathy))))

LA

For those of you who have wondered into my little world today, here is a link to a really interesting article.
Thought some might like to read it.

The Good Divorce and Other Oxymorons

I was waiting for you to reply and I posted and we must have posted at the same time...cuz there it is and I missed it. I'm sorry...

So many questions. Ok one by one, from the top.
Al-Anon..not sure where one is, but I will do a little research and see around here. Promise. But answer me why Al-Anon?

I dont consider myself abusive, but since I have a marriage that has fallen apart and husband that has left...I guess it would be a good assumption that I am.

IC-No, we are not working on those memories. Mostly focus on how to deal with the here and now. I have journaled a little to my fathers and have looked at things that way. But as hard as I try, I cannot remember. I guess I am afraid to see what is back there that I dont want to see. Sometimes it is best left unknown. I told WH that several times...some things are better left untried and unopened. Much like Pandora's box. He remembered that a little too late.

Love Language-Affection, Attention, Honesty...and on down the list. WH never got this. If he asked for my Christmas list, if I put it on the list that was exactly what I got. No spending time looking, no thinking about what I would like. It was either what was on the list or what HE would like me to have...usually lingerie. I wore it but it was for him.

I was born here. Didnt get to live here much, but my grandparents and other relatives lived here. So I spent summers, christmas vacations here. WH loved it here when I brought him. He is from the deserts of NM. He always wanted to move here. I was not as keen. But we moved here 4 yrs ago. I miss the desert sometimes and I miss the moving every few years. But I guess this will be home now.
No KLove here. Did have KVNE but the tower is out. Sooo, no christian radio. Have to do with CD's for now.

I understand how everyone thinks he started his affair prior to him moving out. But it did not start till after. Confirmed thru emails and phone bills. But his state of mind was in that mode. He was gone the year before for 6 months to Germany. Came home and moved out 6 months later. Says he did not have affair while there. I think I believe that. No reason to lie at this point in time about that. Yes he has re-written history. He is very good at rationalization and justification. Always has been. And yes, his feelings have overrode his beliefs more and more in the past 10 years.

No, I dont want others to judge him harshly. I know he is better than his actions show. I know what kind of heart he has, even if his actions dont show that. I guess that would be the enabler part of me huh? And yes, this is the 5th time. But the times before had more to do with his sexual addiction. I suffered in silence with those. And if you want to know more about that you will have to email me. I wont post that here.
Do I think he reflects on me? Yes, to a point. Just as I feel my son reflects on me as a parent. If I had been a better wife and mother my family would not be this way. WH would be happy and son would not be in jail. I know those are unreasonable things and I know they made choices...but yes there is a part of me that cant let go of that feeling. It is like I know things in my head and what is realiy, but down in my heart...things are different. Don't know if you can understand what I am saying.

Ok, I need a break. It may be painful and it may be hard, but you reading my past and helping me thru this may be what I need. I guess it will be worth it if I can be a better person inside.

Cathy

I'm sure hoping the pain and honesty are worth something...others did it for me and I'm passing it on to you. Some of those same others posted to you, too. God's reaching for you in many ways. You're surrounded. Give up!

LOL

Ever hear of GMTA? Great Minds Think Alike...for us posting at the same time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Why Al-Anon? Because there are some basic tenets to being human that I missed out on growing up--and I'm seeing some of those in you. I could be offbase. The choice remains with you. And that's what 12-step programs are all about...you and your choices. Coming to be human in full form--what you have control over and what you don't; what is real respect and what is admiration; what you can get through on your own and what takes your Higher Power; how to let go and how to hold on; all about you.

I was unsure of my admittance ticket to it--I didn't marry an alcoholic. Well, almost anyone can find alcohol-related influences in their life...a parent, grandparent (even one you don't rememer), aunts, cousins, uhm, kids...My dad is an alcoholic, I had two sons by alcoholics and now my firstborn is one. Didn't even go there for that. Went there because my WH was having an A.

You know AA's Serenity Prayer? There is asking God to help with courage, acceptance and wisdom. I just don't see the downside. Searching online for Al-Anon is easy...if you can find the paradoxical commandments, them I know you can find a meeting.

How is your middle son doing now?

"I dont consider myself abusive, but since I have a marriage that has fallen apart and husband that has left...I guess it would be a good assumption that I am." I try really hard to not assume...old habit for me. Leads to utter yuckiness. Nope. I was talking about you being a fixer from way back. Sounds like what you consider a big part of you...the you that you are proud of. Am I close?

I don't judge people...and certainly not by the results of their life. Too many variables...you married a sex addict. So did I. Did we know that? Nope. They had equal influence on the marriage. Their addiction is their own. Their choices are, too. What I'm calling you out on is neglecting to say he was--your honesty level (which I think has jumped up to a high level since you've been here).

I'm trading you my honesty for yours. I value mine and will value you yours, 'k?

Another thing we have in common...being born in a state and then just visiting it until we end up back there. That was me with CO...we moved from here when I was three...came back at 19 and moved around some more...then back...then away to Arkansas for 12 years (yitch!!!) and now back for good. My folks have lived in Houston for 26 years.

I caught where you miss moving ... and after I picked myself up off the floor, I have to hand it to you...I place moving on my fears list above death or taxes. Just me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Back to when hubby started last A...again, my point, my interest isn't in when, but why that gets to you so very much? What is your perspective? Now that interests me!

You were very straight forward with your H and kids being reflections of you (to varying degrees). Thank you.

"and I know they made choices...but yes there is a part of me that cant let go of that feeling. It is like I know things in my head and what is realiy, but down in my heart...things are different. Don't know if you can understand what I am saying."

You know they made choices but you are not respecting the choices they made. You had/have no power or control over those choices, but if you feel bad, even though you KNOW better, then you retain a tiny bit of control. Blame can feel like control. Try that one on and let me know...

Or you believe that humans aren't autonomous in circumstances...that might be too scary?

By the way...not going for you to be a "better" person inside at all...you're great. You're you. Unique. Whole. Complete...just as God wonderfully made you. Hope I help you into believing that as a universal truth and not my opinion. In the course of it, though...you may FEEL better.

LA

P.S. Interesting transitioning on your sign offs...
You went from
K
Katie
Cathy

Have you read the FULL version of the Serenity Prayer? I had not until a few months ago.

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.Amen.



Says a lot more with the second verse I think.

Anyway, yes I know I am surrounded. Have been for a while. I fought for a long time, but in the end I have to surrender. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My son is in jail. Has been in for about 3 weeks and will be there for a while. He spent about 4 months in rehab, with me going to see him every single Sunday for visiting day. I am familar with the 12-Step program. He has worked it and I saw great changes in him. Cant see it now though. He is in jail due to his addiction. We started learning a lot about addiction and behaviors from dealing with him and his drug problems. Our older one dabbled for a while but got into the military and the training did him wonders.
WH moved out when son was in rehab.
Dont think I will have a problem with an admittance ticket. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I say that I am a fixer so you can get a sense of the type of person I am. Am I proud of that? I have been a Air Force wife for 20 years...I had to fix things. If I didnt fix it, it didnt get done. I took care of all the details. I have always done that. Anywhere from making sure we passed weekly yard inspection, to making sure WH had stripes for his blues for whatever function. So, yeah, I guess I am proud of that. I was a good wife. I was a good AF Wife. Just not what WH wanted..well during his A he has said if he had wanted a wife like his mother or sisters he would have married one.

We or I did not realize he was a sex addict until probably 8 years or so ago. Things changed when we got a computer and got online. It was Pandoras box for WH. It has only been in the past year or so that we have said it out loud that he is a sex addict. I have only heard him refer to it as is his "issues",that I remember anyway. And I have a bad memory.

Honesty. It is easier to be honest here than in person. For me anyway. I value honesty. After having heard a million lies from sons with their drug problems, to WH and his addiction issues, I hate lies. I would rather have the truth. I tried to talk to WH about radical honesty but sometimes I felt he used it as an LB. But I just really hate being told something, believing it and then finding out it was a lie. Ok, done with the vent.

My birth father was a boiler maker. We moved a lot. After my step father married my mom, we stayed in one place for 7 yrs. I left home and after I married H and he joined the military, we moved a lot. We did stay at one base for 8 yrs, which is almost unhead of, but we did. I think I counted once that our oldest son had been in 11 different schools from K-12.
I dont like the actual packing and moving. Hate that part. The part I like is the getting to start over. New slate, new things to do, new places to see. New people to meet, new friends to make. When you live in the same place all your life, things are different. Church is different, people are different. I loved the military life. I miss it.

When his A started? Not sure why everybody is hung up on this. At first when I would call what he was doing an affair, after he had moved out of course, he would get defensive. He didnt consider it an affair at first, being we were separated.
But I guess for me it is a distinction. He left me saying all the things they say..ILYBNILWY, he wanted to date me to recapture the romance of that. Of course I found out later he had already left in his heart. He told me later on, that when he left he really was finished. Only has told me things to keep from hurting me more. He does that. Lies to keep from hurting people.

Not sure about the blame/control thing. Let me think about it.

I have a hard time accepting that I can be loved for me. Just me. Not for what I can do for you, not for my body, not for how I look or whatever. I want to be loved just for ME. Who I am. I want that that unconditional love I guess. I know I can only get that from God. Or so it seems. Is that impossible? Am I ever gonna find that? I think part of it goes back to WH and his sexual addiction and how I have felt all these years. But that is another discussion.

Ok, I am done for now. Have to have fortification before I do another round with you. lol

The name...I am Katie to one side of my family. I have been Katiegirl for years online. My real name is Cathy. I feel like another person when I used Katie. If I am going to go to all this work, I want to make sure it is the real me doing it.

Cathy

Nice to meet you, Cathy.

That's what I'll call ya. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Only one thing for now:

"I want to be loved just for ME. Who I am. I want that that unconditional love I guess. I know I can only get that from God." There is one other source. Though God had a hand in that source.

Where else would you get that from?

Refresh and re-fortify...and thank you. You're appreciated.

LA

Hi LA
Nice to meet you too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Well I guess you are saying that I should love me. Ok, what does that look like? How does that act? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Ok, questions for you. Do you do this for a living? Are you a shrink? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> I noticed your little signature on quite a few threads tonight. You have been busy. How do you find the time, or the mental energy for this? I am curious how you have gotten so wise for somebody only 3 yrs older than me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Your turn on the hotseat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I think there are quite a few here who could say you are appreciated. Including me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Cathy

PS..can you tell I found the faces?? lol

Update...Well, WH and OW came back from Vegas last night. Have not heard from him. He did text me yesterday but only to tell me he had gotten some gas and how much it was. It is hard not talking to him. I do miss my H. Especially on these wet, rainy days.

How I missed your thread...in all my busyness...I can't imagine. Thank you for replying...and for finding the faces...cracked me up.

Ayup..to loving yourself. That was where I was going. See how smart you are? All your answers are already inside of you. I'm just attempting to aid in your clarity to see them, clear the visual obstacles, the noise to hear them, and you get to feel them. They're yours.

And no...not a shrink, but I see one every two weeks. Can't borrow his credentials. All that I tell you is from my own journey, what I've discovered, and am staying busy here so that I hold to my code and continue that journey. I have gratitude in my code...which means I say when I am appreciative both to others and to myself, and stay aware of all that I experience with gratitude.

You're included in that.

Years don't mean nothin'. At 19, I formed this belief..."It is not the duration but the intensity." Fragmented belief and at the time, me trying to be older than my years. I've seen wisdom in four year olds and harsh self-destruction in 80-year-olds. Time isn't something to measure...our brains don't understand or recognize it...God is timeless...why do we measure? For security. We need landmarks in our journey, only we look at time first, instead of real stuff.

As for how do I choose to make the time...well, I let a lot of other stuff go for now. I only have one son left at home...who doesn't like me in his face in his trying, 16-year-old world. My H works a lot of evenings, so I have this time free...and he works Saturdays. I admit, I'm aware I'm here too much, distracting from work at times, from the silence of a house that used to ring with three boisterous boys, and sitting with my thoughts on an electronic bulletin board.

I am still trying to comprehend not being in pain, feeling invisible and defective. Getting used to being real, valid, acceptable and loved is still new after a year of it. Giving back feels like a command inside of me, but I keep receiving more each time I give. Really frustrating. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm processing here all the stuff I'm learning, because it comes at me from so many different directions. The shrink, books, my H, my son, overheard in the grocery store, at work...it is difficult for me to catch it, see and understand it and then get it into a tight ball. I fear having to relearn stuff. Putting it here, for you and on other threads, helps me crystalize and re-examine it all in myself.

See, it's all about me, chickie.

Heehee.

You ask great questions.

Now, answer da question...

""I want to be loved just for ME. Who I am. I want that that unconditional love I guess. I know I can only get that from God." There is one other source. Though God had a hand in that source.

Where else would you get that from?"

Nice dodge, though...heehee.

LA

Well I have tried 3 times to write but just cant get my thoughts and feelings together.
I know you are telling me that I should love me and accept me as God accepts me.
But if it is possible, I feel emotionally shut down today and just dont know what I feel or think.

I am continuing to read on here today though. Maybe something will sink in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Cathy