LOL Naw..not mean. Just sassy.

I think they make drive thru car washes for you folks in the Artic. haha

K

Heehee...Arctic...yeah. 'K.

You're not invited to MY birthday party, so there.

Sassy...KGirl can be sassy. Good to know.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

I can be a lot of things. Whats your preference??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just kidding.

Whens the party?? Could be there with bells on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

ROFL...boy, you're getting really good at not feeling rejected. I was going for vengeful retribution with my non-invite to a non-existent bday party...I think I'm gonna throw me one of those this November for my 45th...and you will definitely be invited! Course...it will be winter, Missy.

I knew you were fun, playful, devious and smart. It's the ornery part that is shocking me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

LA

I come from a long line of ornery. Devious....we are female arent we? :P

I think if we got a few gals from this board together, we could have a heck of a good time.

Ok, have to stop this sassy conversation. Cant afford to get all excited all by myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


Night LA....have hot dreams of our fantasy firefighter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

K

Hi Loving,
I know you are pretty much the only one that reads here...thought I would say hi to ya. See how YOUR day is going?
The boards seem really nasty lately so I will just stay over here in the corner and mind my own business. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Not much new here. Same same. Just wanted to see how you were. Touch base with another human bean. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Katie

Well, my car is dirty and there's no Texas chick washing it that I can see. Been wondering where you were since Monday.

LOL

Thought of you today at work...my middle son now works at the same company and stopped by. He said he's on spring break from college next week. I had a second of resentment (one second, I swear) that you and everyone else have this thing that I don't.

Then I remembered...my Spring Break is in April. I'm taking my DH to Lake Tahoe (we've never been there) as a bday present. I'm gonna strut here when I get back, all over your thread!

Heehee.

I'm doing well...getting some stuff I didn't get before by posting here. I know you're an idiotville specialty (reading your old threads and seeing the invite and then you, brave, funny, C, waltzing on in and becoming a part of it, well, admiration leaked all over my keyboard). By posting to Jwoman, I remembered another technique I used; by posting to someone else, I learned the difference between an expectation and a want...by posting to Con, I got more stuff...every thread brings up stuff I needed...but Deserving (in Divorced/Dating forum) hit me with a 20-year-old resentment I couldn't let go until I read her post.

That was huge.

So, I'm doing great. Can you tell I'm sneakily urging you to get out of your safe corner, take the flak for the gipper and get in here and share? You're worth it. We are worth it.

Not that I don't preen when you post just to me. LOL Gotta love that. Oh, yeah!

LA

Well I have been reading this board for over a year and posting here that long too I think. But not many have taken the time or interest that you have. So, if I havent said it, thank you. Guess I need a catchier title! lol

Well now I am jealous that you are going away to Lake Tahoe. :P I have a girlfriend that just moved to Destin/Ft. Walton Beach, Fl....asked me to come visit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I said how soon ya want me? lol Might have to figure a way to go and stay a few days.

I havent been on idiotville in ions. Might have to check it out again. So what is this 20yr old resentment? I got a lot of those I have tried to deal with. I almost gave up the book today and turn it back in the library without finishing it. But I rechecked it. Finally got to some parts that I felt I could use. Like HOW to actually DEAL with emotions instead of just saying deal with them. I need to know HOW to. So I will keep you posted on that one.

Hey, washed my car today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

K

I'm laughing out loud, not only lol'ing. Glad YOU have a shiny car. I love neener-neeners and indulge in them though DJs...uhm, like DJ-lites; more taste, less destructive.

Yeah, you've been posting for almost two years...you're old. Really old. That's for the shiny car comment, can you tell?

Glad you are trudging through the book. You admitted that you want what you want and you want it now. Very human. Very destructive, IMO.

And you went the other way...didn't ditch the book. You earned the good part now...I think you'll like it more.

Dealing with your emotions to me means accepting them.

Period.

You accept they're yours, that they are information about what you believe and your way to trace back to that/those beliefs.

I love information about myself...how about you?

LA

Well I like figuring out things about myself. Why I am the way I am.

Well I have read a lot about our thoughts, feelings and will. How they all go together. But something my WH has had a problem with is his feelings. Obviously, since he is a WH.
But I am getting to the part of how to deal with them and put them in perspective of convictions and "code". Didnt know what that word meant. But starting to get it now. Just because I have feelings, does not mean I have to act on them. But I like to know WHY I feel that way.

But lately, I just feel numb. Like I dont have any emotions. Just existing, takin up space. I need a life. lol

Want what I want, when I want it. Yep thats me. I dont have much patience in that area. I like things done yesterday. Something I work on.
Something else, I tend to be more like a man in that I just want the facts and where things stand, deal with it and get on with things. Give me the bottom line. Make sense?

Neener-neeners huh. I love to poke fun and tease. But just say when I step over. k? Cant run off my only friend here!! lol

K

I'll leave you to enforce your boundary limit of neener neeners and trust me to enforce mine. 'Nuff said.

Good to know you choose not to act on your emotions but trace the "why" they give you back to the belief. You wanted to know how to do this, didn't you? Wanna hit me with a quick scenario and we'll do it?

As far as like a man...uhm, who wouldn't want to know the facts, deal with a factual problem and get on with living without it? Man, woman, especially children!!!

Your desire is normal but the belief behind it...that you believe life's problems are to be solved, that issues are facts and solvable contributes to your impatience and resistance.

Numb from a whole lot of emotions from a long time. Numb from ADs and confusion (which is a whole lot of emotions at one time). I understand. Know that as your right now, not life. You have one that you are living. You made a hundred or more choices today. How do you feel about them?

LA

I am slowing learning that not all lifes problems are solvable. Though I would like to solve them. Very much into problem solving. Trouble-shooting, getting the manual and finding how to fix it. Unfortunatly not all of life works like that. Just have to discerne when to let things go.

Well I admit that I think it is the AD's and have not been faithful to taking them everyday again. Though I did get them filled again. Just having a problem sleeping at night when I take them. I just am not sure numb is the right word for what I feel. Maybe it is just like shock. I dunno.

I dont think I made hundreds of choices today. What choices I made...well could have left out the cheeseburger and M&M's. Could have gotten up a lot earlier than I did...but other than that.. did ok I guess.
Now my choices yesterday....thats a different story. I will tell you something that is somewhat funny and embarrassing.
WH has 4 email accounts. There is only one that is not accessable from anywhere, Where he gets most of his mail from OW. Anyway, he has another account that is an AKO account. I used to have the password to it and snuck around and had it to where it would download the emails to my outlook and leave a copy on the server and he never knew.
Well he changed the password and that ended. Well I figured out his password again and decided I would try and keep tabs on his email. Well I tried to set up my outlook again...messed it up and I wound up DELETEING every single email in his inbox. I sat here flabbergasted that I did that. In a panic. Oh crap! oh crap! oh crap! lol Well I was crying and beside myself by the time I got him on the phone. Told him what I did, apolojized up and down. He was like, I am glad you were honest and told me the truth. That he really didnt have anything to hide. That he didnt flaunt things and didnt want me to have my feelings hurt would be the only reason he would seclude any info.
Anyway, I emailed him after that and apolojized again. And told him that I should not have done that and should have waited for him to share his passwords with me. But I admitted that I was curious about her emails and wanted to snoop.
Soooo, my choices yesterday....umm might have done something different. lol

I did want to mention that WH went to his first SA meeting on Monday. Has said that he will start counciling as well but havent seen that.

And I got another book at the library. The 12 Steps for Christians. Dont know if this is something I need right now, but I thought I would check it out and see what is what.

Had a run-in with my incarcerated son on Sat. Didnt go well. He is trying to get out on bail or probation. I am trying to get him to see that he needs to stay put. So, I think I will let him stew a while. I know he is out of money on his commisary card because he tried to call me collect today. Something he does when he wants something...visit or money.

Anyway, a few things I was thinking about. Thought I would share.

K

Thank you for sharing. Good to know what your thoughts are...and my hundred choices did take place, but you tend to only remember the big ones...Mickey D's and M&M's...and I'm eating the peanut kind at the moment, as I type.

You chose to get out of bed, stand up, stretch, clothe yourself...go to work, sit in a certain way, yawn when you felt like it...which lane to be in as you drove, not to honk at someone or to honk at them...

You chose to snoop and ended up in confession. Very funny and cute. Sounded almost flirtatious to me, the way you told your WH.

And not too embarrassing...I think you've accepted this part of yourself really well. You won't accept unreality, lies or fantasies. You want to know for yourself. Then you annihilated his email...lol...too cute.

What's God saying to you?

I have no idea, but I would listen. Hard!

You are richly human, with an awareness more of your expectations than reality. No wonder you crave it. I was just bumping your awareness.

Let your son make his own decisions...hands off. You state your marvelous guidance (which is saying just what I would say) and leave it to him and his choices.

My youngest is dropping out of school, any day now, and hasn't found a job yet. No drugs because he says he knows in order to get a job, he has to pass the test clean. Well, that's good to know. Still scary. Middle son works at my company and was late again this morning. I have really enjoyed having him come to see me on lunch and after work. I love listening to him. I will miss him when they kick his butt to the curb.

:::::

Hope he pays me back the money owed before they do that.

You're really not alone, Kgal, at all. This is life. Just as it is...where we have influence and no control. And great people all around us, everywhere, in the same darn boat...

LA

I had an email from WH last night. This is what he said.

"Well, I'm not sure where I stand either. I know it's shakey. But I wish we could be a family again, But I don't know how to get there. I know I am going to have to seperate myself from OW. I can't live like this here either. The only hope I have about you and me is the answer from MC saying we are fixable and there is hope for us. I don't know if that is indeed true or not. I know if God wants to fix us there is hope."

We have tried to reconcile in our own way many times now and it has not worked. So we are both wanting to do this right, but really dont have a clue where to start...other than the obvious with getting her out of our lives. But I do know my husband and he wont just abandon her with no money or job. Just the way he is. I guess it is one of the things that I have always loved about him, his generosity and kindness.
I do see some changes in him lately that I have not seen in a very long time. But actions are what I am looking for. Going to SA was one. Waiting for others.

I talked to my mom a little this morning about WH and I talking. That we might try again and if we did I hoped that they would give him a chance to prove himself and to make amends. She changed the subject. I know my mom...she will be the toughest one and might not ever forgive him.

Anyway, you are right. We all have problems and we all have lives. Just have to choose our choices.

I wanted to tell you that I have kept up with AshamedH, his thread and your conversations with him. I hurt for him, but you have been so great with him. Just wanted you to know that. Something in your conversation triggered something for me, an old hurt that I had forgotten. Just get things from all over dont we?

Hey, the wisteria is in bloom here and all the plum trees. The bees were buzzin when I was at my moms this morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />Can you tell I love spring? My favorite season. A reawakening of God's beautiful creation. A time of new and unspoiled. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />The bible says that even if no one told you about God, that seeing His creation should tell you there is somebody higher than you. Or something like that.

Katie

I love your posts.

You are blooming, Katie (I relinquish all attempts to the contrary)...

Happy Spring! (My H was born on the cusp, so it is my favorite time, too.)

I'm glad you triggered to an old hurt from reading AH's thread...wish you would share it.

It is frosty cold here and looks like snow. :::: Glad I didn't wash my car. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now, to my suggestion from your WH's email:

"That we might try again and if we did I hoped that they would give him a chance to prove himself and to make amends."

You have your horse in front of your cart, Ma'am. My answer to his email is, "I have the same hope and faith in the Lord to bring us togther again. I also have faith in you because you have the answers on to save our marriage. I know you can do it."

That's it. Your WH cries for answers and claims he's lost. Doesn't make it so. He knows. As much as you know. Only he can do this...before any reconciliation. I would say at least three months of no contact before coming home.

Your judgment of him hurts him, Katie. Oh, he's kind and generous...and cuts his family to pieces with it. He is saving a wounded rabbit while his family starves. That's kind? That's generous? Kill the dang rabbit and feed the family.

Not a quick fix. My H used to claim all the time how lost he felt. And he did. Just as much as he felt I was controlling. He created a lot of resentment, blamed me for his confusion and not knowing the right thing to do. All the while, he knew. I had to respect, not hold blame that wasn't mine and wait out his lies to himself.

You can, too.

Respect harder, fuller...yourself and your WH. Repeatedly answer, "I know you are doing it." "I believe in you and your choices." No more shouldering the answers...which you don't have because you don't have the control.

Dance in the new grass with your daughter. Say the same things to DS in jail...and respect life like you respect God and his creations. All in you. Has been and will be...bloom, Katie.

LA

***WARNING---VENT ABOUT TO HAPPEN****

I dont feel blooming today. All I feel today is anger. Angry with the situation. Angry with WH. Angry with myself. Would like to just rip him and her to shreads today.
I have tried to figure out why I am angry and thats a really long list today. Just trying to be angry and sin not. Not doing so well on that one.

Raining buckets here today. Dark, cold and gloomy....just like I feel.

Today I would just like to kill the wounded rabbit myself and be done with it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Not the best idea but honest. Tired of starving, tired of doing without to pay for her, tired of two homes, tired of every single piece of affection, love and attention that he gives to her and denys me and his family.

I have heard the lost scenerio till I am sick from it. WH says that all the time. Well get an DA** map and get out of it!!!!!!!! I would like to sit in the back and enjoy the ride for once instead of taking care of the entire trip, planning, driving, packing.....I just want to enjoy. Know what I mean?
I am just so tired of being alone and taking care of everything with nobody to lean on and take care of me once in a while.

Your right, he is not kind and generous. He is selfish. Self absorbed. Thinks only of himself. Contrary to the way he portrays himself to me in wanting to preserve a little self respect in getting her settled. It is still all about him.

DS tried to call me collect again today. Today is visitation day. I am sure that is why he called. I hung up. Didnt accept charges. How come I can to do tough love with DS better I can with WH? Why am I able to disconnect with DS when I cant with WH?? WHY???????

My trigger from AshamedH thread....The adoption. My father didnt want me. My stepdad did not appear to either. Never adopted us. He had kids from previous marriage he didnt see very often. They were alway special. We were not. Wondered what it would have been like to have been loved enough for somebody to want to adopt me.

Ok, bawling now. Got to stop. Leaving to go to bookstore and movie with DD. Be back later tonight. Maybe my tears will blend in with the rain and nobody will notice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

K

I'm wondering why you haven't gone to Plan B, or did I miss that post?

First, believer...she has done plan b more than twice so far. She's not really great at boundaries, if you can tell. God has led her to this moment for her...not him. She believes she can fix, solve and perfect the world.

Today, I know why.

Welcome, Kgirl, to the part that hurts worse, doesn't stop hurting. Not being wanted by stepfather...who wanted your mother and put up with her kids. Your mother had you from her womb, not a lot of choice you see in that. Your father demonstrated your unimportance and your stepfather had the choice, the burden, to undue all of that by filing papers and passing on his name...and he didn't.

Your first lesson in why you married your H is in there. You can find it. I'm adopted, readopted...and from this side, wishing I wasn't, honestly. Same feelings, though, and explains that really tough road you won't travel to loving yourself.

Rejection is a theme in my life. It is the reason for your tears, tight chest, anger, frustration, resentments and belief to love...and your sharp humor, generosity, accepting nature and a whole lot of rules to live by, tangled up and strangling you.

You got to the very real nature of your pain. Rejection is so large, you reject yourself...you can fear becoming rejection and no longer human.

Your stepfather most likely had that same image...generous, loving, helpful, concerned about his fellow man, responsible for others...but not really in his own home, with his own children (he is your father, not your bio-father), which gives that two edged spinning sensation in your head...like with your WH...why don't you fix this!!! Why don't you be real!!! Why are you like you are and why do I love you???

Your whys matter...theirs doesn't. Why you believe in what you know to be untrue is hurting you--your anger isn't at WH...he is seperate from you...your anger is at yourself for not choosing your life. Your actions.

Practice empowerment:

"I am so lost. I don't know what to do to make this right."

"I hear you believe you are lost. I know that feeling very well. I know you know exactly what to do to get right with God and his purpose for you."

"What is it?"

"I know you know."

Do not vary on the third sentence. You know he knows. He lies to himself and others. You can be lied to and laugh...unless you buy in and believe what he believes. Then you betray yourself.

You also betray yourself with the expectation of him to be different because you need him to be. That's fantasy. He is what he is, and chooses his actions. Know that down in your soul. It is respectful and true. What he isn't doing that you want him to do so badly is to own his choices, his actions and consequences because you need him to do that.

You can choose to need all you want, but it won't make it so. Not with stepdad or WH. With your son, you're allowed. He is a seperate person...you saw him seperate from your body, grow and become someone you had never met, it seemed at times. You fused with your WH, adult to adult; you've known him longer, more intimately and defined yourself through him.

Stop that and you get the Kgirl who respects, loves by choice not by need, and who owns, and is proud to, herself.

Adopt yourself, Kgirl. God loved and wanted you just as you are before you were born, made or thought of...you are as desired and needed by God as you ever needed to be. You are in his image, a reflection, where humans are not of one another, but of him. When you do not embrace yourself and trust in his creation, you are rejecting God.

Full circle, huh?

Stop choosing to drive, pack, plan, execute, accommodate, fix, solve, pay for, provide for others when they are fully capable of doing so for themselves. It is your ride. Be good to your own reflection and turn all that amazing focus onto you...know your choices. Know your power. Then see if your anger plummets away, no longer signalling you crossing your own boundaries, slipping them by you with the words need him to be, love him, want him to be...which is partaking in his fantasy and stabbing your reality.

LA

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?

My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Surrender--Barlow Girl