First, believer...she has done plan b more than twice so far. She's not really great at boundaries, if you can tell. God has led her to this moment for her...not him. She believes she can fix, solve and perfect the world.

Today, I know why.

Welcome, Kgirl, to the part that hurts worse, doesn't stop hurting. Not being wanted by stepfather...who wanted your mother and put up with her kids. Your mother had you from her womb, not a lot of choice you see in that. Your father demonstrated your unimportance and your stepfather had the choice, the burden, to undue all of that by filing papers and passing on his name...and he didn't.

Your first lesson in why you married your H is in there. You can find it. I'm adopted, readopted...and from this side, wishing I wasn't, honestly. Same feelings, though, and explains that really tough road you won't travel to loving yourself.

Rejection is a theme in my life. It is the reason for your tears, tight chest, anger, frustration, resentments and belief to love...and your sharp humor, generosity, accepting nature and a whole lot of rules to live by, tangled up and strangling you.

You got to the very real nature of your pain. Rejection is so large, you reject yourself...you can fear becoming rejection and no longer human.

Your stepfather most likely had that same image...generous, loving, helpful, concerned about his fellow man, responsible for others...but not really in his own home, with his own children (he is your father, not your bio-father), which gives that two edged spinning sensation in your head...like with your WH...why don't you fix this!!! Why don't you be real!!! Why are you like you are and why do I love you???

Your whys matter...theirs doesn't. Why you believe in what you know to be untrue is hurting you--your anger isn't at WH...he is seperate from you...your anger is at yourself for not choosing your life. Your actions.

Practice empowerment:

"I am so lost. I don't know what to do to make this right."

"I hear you believe you are lost. I know that feeling very well. I know you know exactly what to do to get right with God and his purpose for you."

"What is it?"

"I know you know."

Do not vary on the third sentence. You know he knows. He lies to himself and others. You can be lied to and laugh...unless you buy in and believe what he believes. Then you betray yourself.

You also betray yourself with the expectation of him to be different because you need him to be. That's fantasy. He is what he is, and chooses his actions. Know that down in your soul. It is respectful and true. What he isn't doing that you want him to do so badly is to own his choices, his actions and consequences because you need him to do that.

You can choose to need all you want, but it won't make it so. Not with stepdad or WH. With your son, you're allowed. He is a seperate person...you saw him seperate from your body, grow and become someone you had never met, it seemed at times. You fused with your WH, adult to adult; you've known him longer, more intimately and defined yourself through him.

Stop that and you get the Kgirl who respects, loves by choice not by need, and who owns, and is proud to, herself.

Adopt yourself, Kgirl. God loved and wanted you just as you are before you were born, made or thought of...you are as desired and needed by God as you ever needed to be. You are in his image, a reflection, where humans are not of one another, but of him. When you do not embrace yourself and trust in his creation, you are rejecting God.

Full circle, huh?

Stop choosing to drive, pack, plan, execute, accommodate, fix, solve, pay for, provide for others when they are fully capable of doing so for themselves. It is your ride. Be good to your own reflection and turn all that amazing focus onto you...know your choices. Know your power. Then see if your anger plummets away, no longer signalling you crossing your own boundaries, slipping them by you with the words need him to be, love him, want him to be...which is partaking in his fantasy and stabbing your reality.

LA