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Dont really have words right now. But I am still here.
[color:"purple"]Katie[/color]
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
WH-42/BS-41(Me)
Married 23yrs
S21, S19, D13
PA-7/04-now
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And I have still been here praying. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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First, believer...she has done plan b more than twice so far. She's not really great at boundaries, if you can tell. God has led her to this moment for her...not him. She believes she can fix, solve and perfect the world.
Today, I know why.
Welcome, Kgirl, to the part that hurts worse, doesn't stop hurting. Not being wanted by stepfather...who wanted your mother and put up with her kids. Your mother had you from her womb, not a lot of choice you see in that. Your father demonstrated your unimportance and your stepfather had the choice, the burden, to undue all of that by filing papers and passing on his name...and he didn't.
Your first lesson in why you married your H is in there. You can find it. I'm adopted, readopted...and from this side, wishing I wasn't, honestly. Same feelings, though, and explains that really tough road you won't travel to loving yourself.
Rejection is a theme in my life. It is the reason for your tears, tight chest, anger, frustration, resentments and belief to love...and your sharp humor, generosity, accepting nature and a whole lot of rules to live by, tangled up and strangling you.
You got to the very real nature of your pain. Rejection is so large, you reject yourself...you can fear becoming rejection and no longer human.
Your stepfather most likely had that same image...generous, loving, helpful, concerned about his fellow man, responsible for others...but not really in his own home, with his own children (he is your father, not your bio-father), which gives that two edged spinning sensation in your head...like with your WH...why don't you fix this!!! Why don't you be real!!! Why are you like you are and why do I love you???
Your whys matter...theirs doesn't. Why you believe in what you know to be untrue is hurting you--your anger isn't at WH...he is seperate from you...your anger is at yourself for not choosing your life. Your actions.
Practice empowerment:
"I am so lost. I don't know what to do to make this right."
"I hear you believe you are lost. I know that feeling very well. I know you know exactly what to do to get right with God and his purpose for you."
"What is it?"
"I know you know."
Do not vary on the third sentence. You know he knows. He lies to himself and others. You can be lied to and laugh...unless you buy in and believe what he believes. Then you betray yourself.
You also betray yourself with the expectation of him to be different because you need him to be. That's fantasy. He is what he is, and chooses his actions. Know that down in your soul. It is respectful and true. What he isn't doing that you want him to do so badly is to own his choices, his actions and consequences because you need him to do that.
You can choose to need all you want, but it won't make it so. Not with stepdad or WH. With your son, you're allowed. He is a seperate person...you saw him seperate from your body, grow and become someone you had never met, it seemed at times. You fused with your WH, adult to adult; you've known him longer, more intimately and defined yourself through him.
Stop that and you get the Kgirl who respects, loves by choice not by need, and who owns, and is proud to, herself.
Adopt yourself, Kgirl. God loved and wanted you just as you are before you were born, made or thought of...you are as desired and needed by God as you ever needed to be. You are in his image, a reflection, where humans are not of one another, but of him. When you do not embrace yourself and trust in his creation, you are rejecting God.
Full circle, huh?
Stop choosing to drive, pack, plan, execute, accommodate, fix, solve, pay for, provide for others when they are fully capable of doing so for themselves. It is your ride. Be good to your own reflection and turn all that amazing focus onto you...know your choices. Know your power. Then see if your anger plummets away, no longer signalling you crossing your own boundaries, slipping them by you with the words need him to be, love him, want him to be...which is partaking in his fantasy and stabbing your reality.
LA LA, those are very practical thoughts you posted and sounded like some that we use in our groups. It's about understanding God and His relationship with you. P.S. Thanks for the hug.
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Thanks LA and AskMe. I havent really had words lately. Talked with WH for quite sometime last night while he was at work. He is wanting to leave OW and make things right. But I told him I would have to see action and that I felt more like an option right now than a choice. He assured me that was not the case and says that he really has no say in things at this point as to how they go.
Anyway, was a good talk. He, however, threw his back out at work, had to go to ER. Couldnt get ahold of OW so I told him i would come get him. Took him here to our house. OW never called when he didnt come home from work. He couldnt get in touch with her. So we came back to his apt today to check on her. She just didnt bother to see what happened to him I guess. Anyway, i brought him back here to see dr tomorrow. Poor thing, looks like a question mark!?! lol
Now before all of you start hollerin, I am just takin care of him for a day or so till he is mobile again. Then he has to go and take care of his problem. HER.
LA, as far as the rejection. It hurts. Will probably hurt for a very long time. Dont know if I can look too deep into that right now. I thought I had delt with my dad rejection but I guess sometimes it just comes back.
I will try and check back later. Katie
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
WH-42/BS-41(Me)
Married 23yrs
S21, S19, D13
PA-7/04-now
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Hollerin...
Hollerin...
I love that word. lol
Rejection hurts...I was stunned how much it ran my life...trying to get me to face it so it wouldn't run my life...kept resurfacing, with my relationships, my children, my DH...it will continue to dog your heart until you free yourself from it.
Maybe this is why WH has stayed WH...why loser OW is still OW...because God has a way of bringing our lessons back again and again until we heed or die ignoring them.
I dunno. I know it caused my depression.
I know you make your choices regarding your WH and I'm not hollerin'. Not even in the holler, over there, down your ways.
LA
AskMe...In your group...AshamedH is finding his group, like yours. I've asked him to invite you to his thread. Needs some support in his struggle. May I invite you there?
LA
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What, you're posting to kepp and not me?
What am I, chicken liver? (My DH likes those for some reason.)
I love reading your posts to others, too.
LA
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It is easier to talk to somebody else about their problems than it is your own sometimes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
More like I am chicken liver! bawk bawk bawk! lol
I will try and get to posting tomorrow. Take care.
Katie
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
WH-42/BS-41(Me)
Married 23yrs
S21, S19, D13
PA-7/04-now
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ROFL...chicken little or liver?
:::doing a happy dance 'cuz you had words for me, too:::
Inclusion can be everything.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
LA
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Need for you folks to pray. WH went to tell OW he was moving home and to get his things. Big fight ensued, she went nuts. Beating on him, trying to take his car, she was drinking as well. Then went in and took a handful of pills, beating her head against the wall. So they are at ER and she is getting her stomach pumped. WH called her friend and he is waiting for them to get there before he leaves. Her friend and I am sure her mom are all angry with him for what he has done to her. My husband is tore up. Please pray. He knows she did this to get attention but still......
Thanks in advance. Cathy
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
WH-42/BS-41(Me)
Married 23yrs
S21, S19, D13
PA-7/04-now
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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Cgirl...
Why, honey? Why are you allowing him to move home before he has done anything?
His back, your caring, you miss him, I understand.
Why again?
He didn't do anything to her at all...she chose and he chose.
Did he call the police to file a domestic abuse charge?
Please, C, don't take him home as a refuge from her. Please don't. Until he chooses to do what is necessary, don't be his refuge from his consequences.
I care about him, too. This might be his last chance before the next time, to get it, understand it and finally be whole.
LA
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Brief update here while I have a few moments. My FWH is home now. OW is still in the hospital. We have been busy getting his apartment cleaned up and shut down. But things are going ok so far. Just very busy here. FWH is a musician and we have been busy trying to get his band off the ground. Anyway, I will check in again soon.
Katie
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
WH-42/BS-41(Me)
Married 23yrs
S21, S19, D13
PA-7/04-now
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Posts: 8,970
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Look forward to another check in.
LA
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LA,
Its been really busy around here this week. FWH hurt his back and has been home for the past 10 days. But then he told the OW he was coming home, that was the night that she took all the pills. Since then she has been in the hospital. We have been moving his stuff.
Then we moved her stuff. A member of the band is staying with us at the moment as well. I told him yesterday that I just feel overwhelmed. Not with him and I, but with everything else going on. He has moved into our room finally and he started wearing his wedding rings a couple of days ago. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Anyway, I am here for a bit LA. Talk to me.
Katie
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
WH-42/BS-41(Me)
Married 23yrs
S21, S19, D13
PA-7/04-now
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 445
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Well, I found out that he has started communicating with OW again. After she called him at work, he has gone back into his indecision and fog again. I saw an email today he had sent her last night asking for her insight on some legal jargon on some do it yourself divorce paperwork. So I guess thats it.
PS...Today is our 23rd anniversary. Happy Anniversary to me.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
WH-42/BS-41(Me)
Married 23yrs
S21, S19, D13
PA-7/04-now
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I am very sorry for your sitch, I hope it works out for the best...
Me-49, WH-51 Married 02/1983 yrs, Sons - 27, 26, 20 1st PA - 1985, 1st known EA - 1992/1993 2nd PA - 06/02 to 11/04 1st D-day - 09/03, D-day 2 - 10/04 D-day 3 05/08 NC e-mail - 11/04- it wasn't real
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Thanks Nabohio. How did you survive his 2 yr long affair?How did he manage NC? My WH says he has grown in love with her and he only makes it a couple of weeks and he breaks NC.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
WH-42/BS-41(Me)
Married 23yrs
S21, S19, D13
PA-7/04-now
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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Sorry I missed your anniversary, Kgirl...I was on vacation.
Been wondering about you...
And why you choose this, again and again.
You say it is you saving your marriage...yet you sabotage that effort over and over. Why? Why do you want to end your marriage?
Until you own that you want the quick relief from feeling rejected, taking him back without a plan, a guide, then this won't end. Contact will continue. You will have your WH back in your house, then out of it, back and forth, as you've done for the last two years. Each time, you are choosing to believe this will be it--he means what he says. You're doing that, not him.
I know you hurt...just tell me what you did so terribly wrong in your life that you deserve to continually inflict pain on yourself for? How long is the sentence and what was the crime?
Is each week or two worth all the betrayal? What in you says you deserve betrayal? That it is just? You won't do Plan B to protect yourself (longer than a short time)...can you see where you're doing this to yourself? Your WH has needed you to be strong, to be the lighthouse, for so long...and you won't do it. Why? Because then he gets to struggle more and more? He earned all the resulting pain...which you have?
Sure wish you would post and answer, Kgirl. Consistently. Like you promised.
LA
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Solid plan b with his bags in the garage or on the porch b4 he can do it for himself. Catch him by surprise. You see he is counting on you to meet some of his needs until the OW is ready to do so. DON"T give them that chance. She needs to meet ALL his needs NOW!
L.
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