Quick overview: Married 10 yrs, 2 sons, WH had drunken ONS in 3/99, had another drunken ONS 2/05, PA 7/05. He's in the military and each of these times has been when he was away at a school. While at home he chatted online 4-7/2001, this is what finnaly lead to me finding out about the 99 ONS. Went to counseling in 2001, and I went to individual counseling. Obviously that didn't help, here we are again. I am currently taking AD's and they are helping. I changed prescriptions because I was having the low libedo side affect. But this new one is not working. I did great on the other one. We are in therapy together and it's helping me get out how I truly feel, not sure that he is truly invested in it. He has been in the field for 2 weeks so I have been going myself. This last one, my therapist said he feels that I am addicted to my WH. And that he might not change. I want so bad to keep my family together. My kids are my life and I can't take our family away from them. My oldest son is very upset because his dad will be in the field again in April which means he misses DS b-day again this year. DS was crying the other day about this and said he wants daddy to get out of the military. I had to tell him that can't just happen. For the 2 weeks he's been gone I actually feel more like myself again. I am dreading him coming home on the 17th. I was looking for some valentine ideas (lingere, sexy ideas) to make for a great night after he comes home. I even looked at some cards. I ended up giving up that idea because I looked at the cards for husbands and kept saying "Well, THAT'S definitely NOT him!" I almost just picked one that had a plain heart on the front and just said happy "v" day inside. How impersonal is that? It makes me think that I should leave and get on with my life I feel like he isn't making any efforts to help this marriage. Any thoughts would really help, even if they are "go".

Thanks

Notsure,
I do not know your full situation. I read up above but not any other posts.
Welcome to MB. Here is where your journey begins. Have you read all of the MB info. The books, etc.?
Please do so for yourself and your M. Read up on Plan A.
Your WH made a choice to have the A's. His choice. He was selfish and you had no choice in his actions.
You may have contributed to the problems in the M, but in no way are you responsible for his bad choices.
You have choices. I cannot tell you whether to stay or go. That is your choice and your choice only.
Please take the time to read and do a great Plan A.
Please take the time to begin your healing journey.
Stay here on MB, post, and heal
The weekends are slow, so keep bumping up your thread so the veterans will jump in to help you.
But while it is slow, spend time reading the MB info.
And most of all, spend time on you and your sons.
JE

Thanks for your reply. I have searched and read just about everything on this site. I even bought every book except 1 I think. My husband IC (that he only went to 2 times) had suggested he read His needs, Her needs. It's been sitting on his nightstand since then (around Oct)and he is still in the 1st chapter. I've told him about this website and have asked to do the questionaires with me (he says that he doesn't see how we can get anything from a questionaire). He has been present for some of my worst break downs and has tried to comfort but still doesn't make any effort. Something I forgot to put in above. Like I said I've told him about this website and maybe he ought to do a little research of his own online to find something that he thinks will help us. INSTEAD, even doing that even one time he has been on numerous porn sites on 3 occassions that I know of. When I confronted him about this just before he left 2 weeks ago he said at first that he did that to prove that I had the online recorder on. I pulled out the printed copies of pictures and such that he had looked at, threw them at him and said "If you were just trying to prove that I was checking up on you then one or two here and there might would make sense even though that is the one thing online that you know would hurt me. But this many isn't trying to prove anything it is just plain looking considering according to the time stamps it took about an hour each time." He then said "I don't know why I was looking." I am SICK and TIRED of I don't know why!!!!!!!

Can you break your situation into paragraphs?

I have a hard time reading you when it is altogether.

LOL.

Thanks,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

This is just a copy from above in paragraphs. I forget to do that when I'm typing.

I really could use your thoughts on the situation!!!!

Quick overview: Married 10 yrs, 2 sons, WH had drunken ONS in 3/99, had another drunken ONS 2/05, PA 7/05. He's in the military and each of these times has been when he was away at a school. While at home he chatted online 4-7/2001, this is what finnaly lead to me finding out about the 99 ONS.

Went to counseling in 2001, and I went to individual counseling. Obviously that didn't help, here we are again.

I am currently taking AD's and they are helping. I changed prescriptions because I was having the low libedo side affect. But this new one is not working. I did great on the other one.

We are in therapy together and it's helping me get out how I truly feel, not sure that he is truly invested in it.

He has been in the field for 2 weeks so I have been going myself. This last one, my therapist said he feels that I am addicted to my WH. And that he might not change.

I want so bad to keep my family together. My kids are my life and I can't take our family away from them. My oldest son is very upset because his dad will be in the field again in April which means he misses DS b-day again this year. DS was crying the other day about this and said he wants daddy to get out of the military. I had to tell him that can't just happen.

For the 2 weeks he's been gone I actually feel more like myself again. I am dreading him coming home on the 17th.

I was looking for some valentine ideas (lingere, sexy ideas) to make for a great night after he comes home. I even looked at some cards. I ended up giving up that idea because I looked at the cards for husbands and kept saying "Well, THAT'S definitely NOT him!" I almost just picked one that had a plain heart on the front and just said happy "v" day inside. How impersonal is that?

It makes me think that I should leave and get on with my life I feel like he isn't making any efforts to help this marriage. Any thoughts would really help, even if they are "go".


I have searched and read just about everything on this site. I even bought every book except 1 I think.

My husband's IC (that he only went to 2 times) had suggested he read His needs, Her needs. It's been sitting on his nightstand since then (around Oct)and he is still in the 1st chapter.

I've told him about this website and have asked to do the questionaires with me (he says that he doesn't see how we can get anything from a questionaire).

He has been present for some of my worst break downs and has tried to comfort but still doesn't make any effort.

Like I said I've told him about this website and maybe he ought to do a little research of his own online to find something that he thinks will help us.

INSTEAD, even doing that even one time he has been on numerous porn sites on 3 occassions that I know of.
When I confronted him about this just before he left 2 weeks ago he said at first that he did that to prove that I had the online recorder on.

I pulled out the printed copies of pictures and such that he had looked at, threw them at him and said "If you were just trying to prove that I was checking up on you then one or two here and there might would make sense even though that is the one thing online that you know would hurt me. But this many isn't trying to prove anything it is just plain looking considering according to the time stamps it took about an hour each time." He then said "I don't know why I was looking." I am SICK and TIRED of I don't know why!!!!!!

Also, last question. Is it sexual addiction if there's time in between? I mean this isn't something that is ruling his life, just dumb choices at different times.

Well, apparently it isn't bothering your husband too much. That is why he is too lazy to read the books or check here. It's just not that important to him.

Can you survive financially on your own?

My parents would help me until I could make it on my own. I don't know if I am just too scared to be on my own or just afraid to say this failed.

I am usually a very confident and independent person, but with this I feel totally helpless!!!

I'm not saying that you should leave. Just making sure that you COULD.

I think you need to keep reading all of the stuff here, and getting support. Of course you know that you cannot change him - you are going to have to be the one to change.

Did his affairs happen when he was deployed?

believer - Thank you so much for your replies!!

To answer your question, no we've been lucky so far he hasn't deployed yet. He was a drill sgt when the war started and then he's been in school for the last year. All of these things have happened when he has been away at a school.

He started this last school a little over a year ago. It's a career change within the army, special forces. I was at my parents for the last year paying off all our bills, I just moved to be with him since the A in July.

He knows that he has made stupid choices but doesne't feel he has a problem.

What scares me most is that with this special forces between being deployed he will be going to other schools away from me. I am just not sure if I can handle that.

Thanks again for your replies and everyone taking time to read my posts.