vet,

Do you have a possiblility to talk with Steve Harley???? This would probably be the best advise anyone could give you here in Marriage Builders.
I can only speak from what I experienced and what worked for "us".

Right after d-d, my husband was in complete FOG!!! He was demanding and extremely far away emotionally.
The first weekend after d-d we went for a weekend trip. It was strange and yet I'm more than sure that this helped quit abit.
My husband really didn't want to but we still get away. We drove without knowing where we'd end up. Anyways, we ended up in a beautiful little village and we booked into a little snuggly hotel.
I was very loving and we didn't do any relationship talking. We did end up having very "romantic" sex and even though I did alot of crying, I'm sure this did have an affect.

I knew nothing about Marraige Builders at that time, but I'm sure this was a perfect Plan A.

We did alot of things together............had alot of recreational fun. It took quit awhile until my husband slowly pulled out of the fog. I wasn't aware of that back then but when I look back now, I know he was still in the fog.

This is hard to reconize when you're living in the situation.

The very first thing I put down straight to my husband was that it was either "me" or the OW. I would NOT accept a third person in my marriage. I told him this immediately after I discovered the affair. When I told him this, I was extremely loving and understanding. I explained to him that I loved him from the bottom of my heart and that I wished him only happyness.
I told him that if he was what would make him happy, then I would let him go.

During this discussion, he cryed and I held him in my arms and I comforted him.

He still tells me that "this" reaction really got to him. He NEVER would of expected me to react in such a way. He NEVER thought that I loved that deeply. "THIS" reaction was a great "wake up" call for him and he knew that he didn't want to loose.

So, this was the first step towards recovery for us..........but he still went through "withdrawel" and he still reacted like a typical WS's. He still lied about things and I still couldn't trust him.
This took time. You might want to see an affair like an addiction.

In their mind (the WS's) they know what they want but somehow the addiction of the affair makes it extremely difficult for them to stick to what they say.
This is why it's so important for the BS to find their own direction and to stick to it.

It's the WS's that have "lost track" of their life and their beliefs, NOT the BS.

It's just so hard for us BS's to realize this once an affair is discovered.
We tend to think that we have lost everything. We tend to believe that we are worthless and ugly!
We also tend to do what the WS's expects from us.....even if it doesn't truely make sence.

Therefore vet, I'd really think about letting him move home quickly!
Give him a letter with your requests.
-NO Contact with OW
-Plan B letter
-Counceling

You might want to start off with dating. Meet each other but don't let him move back in the house until you see changes.
Don't fall for his begging!

When you date with him, show him what he can have! Give him the BEST of you and then let go. Take the BEST care of yourself! Back off from relationship discussions for awhile.

Do things with him to make him feel good about himself and you! Then back off!!!

If you are aware of his most important Emotional Needs, GO FOR THEM!!!!
Listen to what he has to say............

Think back to when you first met. What was it that attracted him????

take care
bb

I betcha this is why he is so anxious to get that tape from you. The OWH doesn't have any notion of the affair and they are afraid you will call him. You are planning on telling the OWH and playing the tape for him, aren't you?

Dear Melodylane
There is no doubt in my mind that if I do contact the OWH.
SHE WILL COME AFTER ME!!! I think that is way my WH wants the
tape!! I am scared and I don't mind saying so!

"Feel the fear and do it anyway"

You don't take control of the situation, until HE has information that gives him some choices too. That's also another reason you need to file assault charges against her - put her on notice that she's at your mercy - not the other way around!!!

Vettech11 -

I've followed your story from the beginning. So I thought I'd throw in some support here as well. She's bully'n you so you won't tell her H. That's the entire point of her crazy behavior.

Get the restraining order...and play the tape for her H. Do you have a way of contacting him?

Put yourself in his shoes...what if he knew about the A and you didn't.....wouldn't you want him to tell you?

Exposure isn't easy...it never is...but it will end the A for sure.

Put it this way...she's taking extreme measures to keep you from telling her H (another BS)...this means she must not want her M to end (for what ever reason).

This woman is crazy...you have to protect yourself. I would make sure not to go out of the house alone. We've all seen the movies and heard the stories about how crazy women act. Just this weekend I watch "Headliners and Legends - Betty Broderick". You have to be careful.

Just say NO to the bowling alley for the next few months. I would think that after all this is over and your M has been salvaged you would want to move away and find new hobbies. One you and your H can particpat

Best of luck to you! I'm so glad you did the tape recorder. I wish I had thought of that during my situation.

BTW...you've accomplished so much with all of this...and you've managed to keep yourself together...even if you don't feel that way right now. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. What you are doing is not easy. I hope your H wakes up soon and realizes what a wonderful woman you are.

vettech, you know you have to tell him, right? That will KILL the affair. That is why they are so scared of that tape! If you are scared for your life, I would suggest getting a handgun. I sure wish you had filed assault charges against her.

OK, I know, Wednesday night I know that she's at the bowling alley and that her husband has their daughter at karate at 8 pm. Whew..... I will be there. You guys keep telling me how important this is and how to protect myself when she comes for me!!!

vettech, do you know where he works? Could you perhaps call him up at work and play the tape for him?

No Melody, I don't know where he works. I really don't want to do this while his daughter is in class and then has to ride home with him.

Vettech -

Do not do this alone. Get a friend to go with you...not several friends...that will be intimidating your this guy. I would say that you likely want a man with you (so maybe one female friend and one male friend....to keep with MB principles).

Think about your reaction to the situation. I posted this to another BS who was going to expose.

Go over the range of reactions in your mind and be prepared for each:

What if the BS is angry and doesn't believe you? Know how you'll react.

What if he breaks down emotionally and falls apart in front of you? Know how you'll react.

What if he becomes violent ...who knows his WW might have told him that there's this crazy woman out there chasing her around say'n she's sleep'n with her H.

See what I mean...she might have prep'd him for this encounter.

He might not even show a reaction....it's really hard to predict. The WS in my sitch was very calm but visibly upset at the same time. I was so dizzy that I was finally exposing I started to shake. He could tell I was having a very tough time talking to him and was very understanding. He wanted to comfort me but at the same time he was so pissed off he wanted to confront his wife immediately. When I walked away from him I called my sister and just told her to talk to me...I wished I wasn't alone.

Remain as calm as possible...no name calling or screaming. It's OK to cry. Make sure he knows you are telling him because you are trying to salvage your M...not because you want to hurt him or her. This will ensure he understands that you are hurt by this and not seeking revenge at all.

You need to make sure you have filed a report against this woman before things go any further. That way you have a record of the incident and her behavior.

Good luck! Hold your head high...you are doing the right thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

bump,bump,bump!!

Vettech,

You might consider telling him whats going on, and just give him a copy of the tape to listen to in his own time. Taking you out of the picture if he does respond violently.

Just inform him of the A, and let him know you feel he deserves to know. Give him a copy of the tape explaining what you did in order to get the proof positive you needed.

Maybe give him a (secondary) Email address to contact you if needed.

Uhm,

This really doesn't seem that tough.. what do you suppose your WH and OW are gonna be doing on Val's day or Wed at bowling? Have a friend snap a couple of pictures and drop them in the mail. If you need OW's address, and I suspect you don't ... just check with the bowling league. Make a copy of the tape and negotiate an exchange of the tape with your WH... who says you can't make a copy. Oh, shame on you for lying about making a copy! ROFL.

All of this chaos, and you haven't told her husband. Do it in public. It's very very very unlikely he'd attack you. Your husband PROBABLY, but not you.

EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE.

Vettech -

What are your thoughts on the suggestions you've heard. ARe you planning to expose to the OW's H?

I agree with Rook...do this in public.

If you can avoid doing it in front of the kids...that would be best...it might not be avoidable.

I'll ask to see him outside next Wednesday.
Or maybe just wait to see if he comes out to use the bathroom or make a call. Either way, I will try for Wednesday!!

Be careful....

Is there any way to make a copy of the tape and give it to him? The reason I ask is b/c OW might've tried a pre-emptive strike and told him you'd be coming to him. They do that you know. You're gonna need proof. A's are hard enough to discover on your own....and nobody wants to believe it of their spouse.

And get some MACE! If she comes at you again, you can spray and get away!

- Kimmy

vettech, do you have reason to believe that HE is violent? I know you have reason for concern with the OW, but are you afraid of him? I feel like I am missing something.

You know what...

The more I think about this, the more angry I get, so, perhaps I shouldn't post, but I'm gonna.

I really do understand you love your husband. However, some things you have said and done make me wonder about your ability to properly judge anything right now. A person physically attacked you, and you did NOTHING. You have ACTUAL PROOF and an ADMISSION from your husband of an affair, and you honestly have done nothing (he has moved out, good job on that one). The OW is married, and yet you delay. With Valentine's Day TOMORROW, NO WAY IN HEdoublehockeysticks would I wait til Wednesday. I'd be on the phone this instant.

You need some outside guidance, in real life. Not an internet board. You need someone to stand beside you and help you dial the phone, and confront the OW husband. Is your dad around? I'm pretty sure he'd step up to the plate to help you out, even if it meant flying from far far away to get there. I can honestly say, I' be to my daughter in a couple of hours if she asked me to stop everything and help her deal with a situation like yours. I suspect most fathers would too.

If not, then howabout someone from church? He doesn't have to be a pastor even, just someone (married, and which his wife in in full support of him helping you for MUSCLE, not for confiding in.) someone who is 'big'.

Stop delaying, that is fear at this point.

Hi,
I somehow get the impression that I'm completely "off track" here with what I've written but I'd still like to jump in once again.

I think that contacting the OWH is for sure the right thing to do but I don't see why Vet should go out of her way to send him a copy of the cassette and whatever else.

She has the proof she needs and I think that is what counts.

I think it's important for Vet to stay safe and to work on herself now. What good will confrontation do now in her situation???
If she tells OWH, he is then aware of what is going on. Isn't it then up to him what he does with the info??? As a BS, I'd say that he OWH (if he hasn't already) feels that something is definately NOT right.

The affair is now in the open.............isn't it???

I personally would "go dark" now..............I'd "back off" and concentrate on "me".

OW and WS know that they have been busted!!!!!! Leave them to themselves to rant and rage!!!!

Get help from "close friends"............if you feel unsafe.

Leave it up to your WS now to think about this whole situation and stop "running" after him.

My opinion really might seem to be quit different but I never would of EXPOSED in the open. I wouldn't of wanted to bring myself into such an ugly situation!
It's ugly enough that the OW attacked Vet........isn't it??? Where will this end up?

I'd expose to OWH and then I'd concentrate on "me".

Leave the UGLY things for OW and WS! Let them do what they think is right but don't let yourself get involved anymore!

Am I really completely OFF TRACK or have I missed something????

bb

Blondblossom
Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting!!! I am with you.
I agree that the OWH needs to know and will do that in a couple of days. I really need to get my nerve up. I will take a friend and her husband with me.
I can't believe Rookkev that you can sit there and say I have done nothing. I have told family, friends, and the blasted bowling alley knows! I have been hurt in the process by the OW and honesty am not up to seeing her again! I am telling everyone on this board the woman is dangerous, she is not just acting this way to get my attention!
More later, gotta get DS from karate. DD-21 is sitting with him.