Blossom
I have a Dr. appt. this morning. This is something I am not looking forward to!!!
The past three days have been ok, WH is not keeping up on his end of my aggreement letter though. Does not bring in his cell phone, took money out of DS's savings for college, not telling me if he gets off work and doesn't come straight home...
He told me yesterday (after he got home) that he stayed at the brewery and had a couple of beers. He is suppose to call me if he gets off work and does not come straight home!
He pitched a fit yesterday when I went and got the cell phone out of his truck. (My not trusting him issue) I noticed too that the passenger seat was laid back some, I was in the truck the night before and never lay the seat back!
Of course the wheels in my head are turning... he doesn't want me to have his cell phone, the seat is laid back, he didn't come straight home from work on a night that he would have normally seen her!!!!
Bla, bla, bla, My heart hurts!! How the heck do you get over this sad feeling???

you get over the sad feeling when your wh starts supporting you in recovery and makes an honest effort. not just sugar coatings....you are getting crumbs my dear...is that good enough?

when he starts protecting you and becomes transparent and comes up with a plan for recovery...then you will begin to heal. what he is doing now ain't it.....sorry

vettech, just keep this in mind: people who have nothing to hide, don't hide. Keep your eyes peeled because this is probably not over. It may have just gone deeper. It might be helpful if you touch base with the OWH and stay in touch so you can compare notes.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

VT, just straight up, he's lying to you. That seat back is a dead give-away. I know, there are all sorts of good excuses we can think up, but ultimately, seats have a 'default' position. That is where we return them when we need to get something out from behind them. LIAR!

He has not earned the priviledge of going out for a beer, much less the right to leave you at home while he is out having fun. This further demonstrates he doesn't understand the point of you two being together while you are both having fun. It builds good feelings and associative behaviors. Gheez, it just ain't that tough to figure out.

Call him out on it. Ask him striaght up, did you talk to her on that cell phone? If he says no, give him one last opportunity to confess or else he will have to prove it. Be prepared to take some serious action though once you cross that threshold.... when he denies again. Go to the website and look up his call history. You can access that alot of times...(some times you have to wait fo rhte billing cycle to pass) .. you can also scan through his recent calls.

I wouldn't believe nor trust him. That is my gut on this one.

-hang in there

Unfortunately I have to agree with the others... I'm sorry you are going thru this vet. My heart goes out to you.

Vet!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now it's time to "LISTEN" to what your Gut is telling you!!!!!

Things are NOT RIGHT and You KNOW IT!!!!!!!!!!

His actions are telling you "everything"!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry but I agree with the others and I agree with Mel!!!!
Contact OWH!!!!!!!!! Normally, I'm not for that but I strongly feel (you do too, don't you???) that there is still contact between your WS and OW!!!

I'm sorry for the pain and that you are feeling sad.........we ALL understand what you are going through!!

HOLD ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TAKE A DEEP BREATH!!!!!

Your WS behaviour is NOT unusual and I'd say that most of us have been through this.
There is NO reason (at least not yet) to "trust" your WS. This simply doesn't just "happen" overnight!!!!!

It is a matter of "you" taking over controll of what "you" will accept or NOT!!!!!

Your WS begged to get back in the house............well, you will probably have to take a "step back" again!!!!

Sorry, if this is all confusing (I'm NOT the best writter)
but I'd definately talk to OWH and see what he has to say then, I'd take the next step.

This will depend upon what OWH has to say or NOT but I believe that the "truck seat" tells you alot!!!!!!
It doesn't just move on it's own, does it?? What did your WS have to say about that???

As Mel already wrote: Someone that doesn't have to hide things, will NOT hide things!!!

Don't "deny" what you are seeing!!!!!! It's all there and it's very clear for you to see!!!!

We'll all be here for you, Vet!!!!

hugs
bb

Vet-tech-

Ugh....he's still having contact, the other posters are right.

I know this is a kick in the teeth....but you have to remember....it's an addiction. If you think of it in those terms it's a little easier to deal with.

I also would contact OWH...find out what he knows....find out if he knows where OW was that night that the seat was down.

This is probably going to get worse before it gets better, unfortunately.

Good luck and God Bless,

-Caren

v---this is why we all told you not to let him back until he proved himself over TIME and was consistent in his actions. its a mistake many of us make. time to pick yourself up and do it right this time!

You mean someone else let their WS back too soon??? Who did that?!?!?! Stop looking at me that way. LOL

God Bless,

-Caren

It must take some practice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

Sorry for your pain, V. It did kind of sound like he was a little too sorry, a little to quickly. He couldn't have just snapped out of the fog that soon.

It's a slow process with alot of work. You're still at the beginning phases, here, so it's not too late to start your plan again.

Best wishes, and keep us posted...

Jennifer68

This is also why I thought that Plan A would be a good idea.............the affair usually doesn't just "STOP" and the affairees usually still do have contact.

Vet, from what you wrote, you have been in Plan A or???

-the NO contact letter has been written
-evidence has been sent to OWH
-your WS KNOWS what has to be done

I personally wouldn't get AGGRESSIVE about this towards WS but I would make my point VERY clear and I'd send him OUT of the house!!!!
I'd (give my BEST) to stay calm, loving and NOT loud! (this is very important) because if you do decide to have him "move out" he's definately going to rage and rant!!!
He'll be furious, just like he is when you point out what you are seeing now. (the car seat, the cell phone etc)

I'd say that he is still in the fog and the addiction is still there...........he might be seeing the "light" inbetween but he's definately NOT trustworthy!!

Remember Vet, you CANNOT DEMAND him to come clean!!!
You can (as you have already) share with him what you will accept or NOT...........then it is HIS choice whether he wants to do it or NOT!

I hope this makes sence............

I'll try to explain from my situation.

When I discovered my husbands affair, I told him that I would NOT accept a third person in our marriage. He KNEW this for sure.

I then went into Plan A (even though I didn't know anything about MBers at that time)
I knew pretty well what his #1 Emotional Needs were and I sorta put myself into the shoes of xOW.
I asked myself: What was it that attracted my husband when we met and what was it that he was missing???

Then I gave him every reason I could think of to make him feel good about me and our marriage.
I gave him reasons to think good about himself. (even though I could of slugged him at times)
I was calm, loving, soft and passionate about what I was doing!

I know for sure that his mind was bouncing between OW and me. I know that he was comparing the situation many times and that my behaviour somehow didn't make sence to him because I was doing the things that xOW was doing + MANY MORE!

Slowly but surely there wasn't anything glamerous about xOW anymore. In his mind, she wasn't doing anything or giving him anything that I couldn't give him and that he had believed was GONE in our marriage.

This somehow happens in little steps. It takes time until the WS really starts to come out of his addiction and see things clearly.

I found out in the middle of our "Recovery" that xOW had intiated contact with my husband and that he lied to me.

This was a TOTAL shock for me.............

I was sleeping in the guestroom for a few days and I had everything settled to move out of the house.

In our situation, this is a BIGGY because I wanted to leave the country and move back to Canada. I've been living in a foreign country for over 30years and therefore my husband knew that this was a GREAT decision for me and that there would be NO easy way out once I made up my mind.

I was soft, loving and NOT agressive or demanding throughout this process. I didn't rant nor did I rage.........

He had all the time in the world to think about this and I went on with my plans.

Something really did happen in his head/mind/brain!!!!! (call it whatever you would like)

When he realized that I "let go" he knew that he was loosing me for sure.................
He had so many "fond" memories when he saw me, I knew that NO OW could step into my shoes!!!!

Vet, in your situation, you are only just beginning. He begged to come back home and was willing to sign anything, just to have what he wanted!
He never had the true feeling that he was going to loose you!
His behaviour was probably the way it was because he was in some kind of "Discovery Schock"!!!

Remember people having affairs usually never believe that the affair will be discovered. They don't even think about that. They are self-centered and they take/want what makes them feel good.

Talk to OWH, see what he has to say and then seriously think about Plan B!!!!!!!
Don't let his behaviour become a "cycle". It will NEVER end until you make the changes!!!!and he has to see them!

hugs
bb

I asked him later last night why the seat was back. He said it was because he was looking for the digital recorder! He said he cleaned his truck looking for it!
WHY????
I asked him why he was looking for it? If he had nothing to hide why would he care if it was in there??
He didn't answer me.
Besides getting tested for STD's yesterday the Dr. put me on antidepressants. Lexapro once a day, and Ativan when needed.
Anyone know anything on these two drugs?

Vet,


He did give you an answer, Vet!!! No answer is an answer that speaks louder than words!!!!!!

Please "learn" to trust "YOUR" Gut!!!!!! It's
[color:"red"] SCREAMING OUT LOUD!!!!!!! [/color]

Why would your WS clean his truck to *find" the digital recorder????
-it's disturbing
-it's annoying
-it's interfering
-it might be ON!
-it might tape something
-it busted him once already
-it's HIS ENEMY!!! and he hates it!

If your WS was in anyway [color:"red"] *TRUSTWORTHY & HONEST* [/color] he would of just asked you about the recorder!!!!
But it was for sure on his mind and it disturbed him and he wanted it OUT!!!!!!

I could bring up the same example with his cellphone!!!!!

[color:"red"]STOP [/color] trying to convince yourself that your GUT is NOT right!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry if this sounds harsch. It in NOT meant to be.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I hope someone can help you out with info concerning your meds. I don't have a clue about them, I just know that many here have taken them too.

hugs
bb

BB's advice really does sound like a good approach. I am a FWS and it is true the affairs don't usually just die immediately. After I had told my H I still had some phone contact but there never was any more physical contact (in my situation at least, can't speak for others). Once my H knew it had taken the shine off the whole situation for me. It was still hard for me to go totally NC for a while.

It is strange that he tore his truck apart looking for the recorder. Only someone who has something to hide would care.

I take Lexapro. At first it really made me dizzy and weird feeling...that lasted for about 2 weeks, now I hardly feel any effects at all.

It makes it easier to cope with life. I don't have the intense rage or mood swings I had before. I am able to handle things better without flying off the handle...

Side effects? Lowered sex drive...not gone, just lowered. And when I am under stress now, I feel a numbness in my back teeth...don't ask me why...it just happens. It lasts for about 15 minutes, then goes away...

Today I got off work early and went and sat across the street from where he works. He came out and left at 2:20 pm. I thought he would be driving my way on the way home. I sat there and waited and he never came by. Instead he had to headed towards Busch Blvd. I tried to find him but couldn't.
I got home before he did. He called at 3:50, I asked what time he got off work and he said about 3:40. He said he was on his was to the butcher shop to pick up dinner...
I said, Nooooooo, You got off at 2:20, I was sitting across the street, where ya been?? Then he says, Oh, I went by Sports Auth. to buy some fishing plugs but didn't get any because they didn't have the kind I like.
Why are you checking up on me? Oh, honey your going to drive yourself nuts with all of this!!
Right!!!!!!!!!!!

he is still seeing her, vt, I hate to tell you. I would call the OWH and start comparing some notes. You might want to also buy a GPS unit to put on his car and track him. http://www.landairsea.com/

Hi Vet-

Yeah....he's still seeing her alright.

Hey, you mentioned Busch Blvd(Not that there can't be more than one)....you in Columbus?

God Bless,

-Caren

He's lying Vet!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Check up with OWH and see if you can maybe find out what OW was up to at that time!!!!



Why are you checking up on him??? Well, he's a lyer!!!!!
His opinion is that you are going to go nuts..........yaaaaa because he thinks he won't get caught and he's sure that he will be able to get away with it!

Do you have the $$$$ to get a detective?? I'm sure he'd have the proof in a very short time!!!!

Vet, I don't believe a word he is saying!!!! The excuses are ridiculous!

The next time you do decide to floow him and if you loose him, why not call him with your cellphone and ask him where he is without giving away that you are in the area. It might be too late for this because he now knows that you are checking him out and he's going to get sneakier but it could be worth a try.

But it still doesn't change much as far as I think. He's NOT honest and something is for sure NOT right!

hugs
bb

Hey Vet-

Just checking in.

I followed my husband around at this juncture too. He always said he was at someone named Phil's....I personally didn't think Phil existed....I started calling *Phil* his imaginary friend..LOL. I just found out before I went back into Plan B that Phil just had a baby. Mark had a cigar on his microwave and I said "Who had a baby?" He said "Phil...you know the guy you said didn't exist" I laughed and said "So your imaginary friend had an imaginary baby, huh? That's weird." LMAO.

Anyway, I digress.

Following him is just going to answer what you already know, and drive you nuts. I was quite the nutbar at this stage of the game.

You should be exposing the heck out of this.....did you tell EVERYONE??? I mean I know we told OWH...(Which you need to check in with him, by the way), but did you expose to WH's parents/siblings?? What about his work?

I don't agree that he should move out, necessarily, I think in Plan A he should be staying there with you....and you should be trying to break up the affair.

God Bless,

-Caren