This may not belong on this board, but I think it could apply in most marital situations, or divorced for that matter.

I am D'd, but still would like to share how I felt during the M. Before the M, I was pretty outgoing, bubbly, fun, and NOT afraid to express whatever it was I was feeling at the moment. Pretty confident, for the most part.

Something changed during the M. I became more and more withdrawn, afraid to stand up for myself, depressed, embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone what was going on with my M. (XH was an alcoholic, drug user, cheater...) I spent ALOT of time trying to "change" him, without even realizing, that "I" was the one who had changed during this process! I had become very co-dependent, a word I didn't even know the definition of back then. I was in such a DARK place, and thought I'd never be free, again! I know longer "knew" myself.

It's now 11yrs. later, and I'm pretty much back to my ol' self, but can CLEARLY remember those days of despair, and wonder if anyone else could (or can) see the changes in themselves, and the effect it is having on yourself and others around you, who are trying to help, without knowing how to.

I really wish I could of had a place like this to come to, back then!

Jennifer

Jennifer, what you described is very common amongst spouses and children of alcoholics. The alcoholic and the alcohol become the CENTER of the family and the family members simply live to facilitate the drinking. They are not valued for their individual worth, but in how they aide and abet the drinker. They hide his drinking and becasue of the secrecy, develop a profound sense of shame.

So no, I don't feel I have lost myself in this healthy marriage and neither does my H. But my H felt lost in my last marriage [I am a recovering alcoholic] and I felt lost as a child living with an alcoholic.

ML,

I most definately did not have a healthy marriage. And all of what you said above, is very true.

I don't mean to indicate that everyone loses themself during their marrigage, and I commend you for being a recovering alcoholic. I hope that my mentioning my XH being an alcholic wasn't offensive or taken as being judgemental. He had some other issues, besides alcohol. He had moved on to heavy drugs, and some problems with the law. I, in the process, tried to become some kind of "Savior", which I now know, wasn't my place. I went to al-anon, and learned alot there.

My X is also, now, after many years, recovering. I struggled with the guilt of leaving, while he was going thru this, but had to decide what would be best for the kids. I felt like I tried to support him in all ways I could think of. I also know now, there is a difference in "supporting" someone, and "saving" someone.

Even though we could not have a healthy M, we can now have a healthy friendship. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, just my thoughts.

Jennifer

Jennifer, I was not offended at all! I am completely honest about my sordid past and have no illusions about it.

I am very glad you found yourself again.I have seen how devastating living with an alcholic can be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I lost myself during the last 3 years I was married. Lost joy, hope and felt numb most of the time....except when I was crying.

He drained the life outta me...he was a ws of the worst kind..mentally cruel...and I was very very depressed also b/c I was a sahm in a strange state with few friends and nobody to turn to. He drove me down into a pit of despair that I will NEVER EVER EVEN DARE GO NEAR EVER AGAIN. it was just that bad.

All I did was him him him. He expected it and wanted it. He wanted to be treated like a king. And made darn sure I knew that I had the house...had the cars...had the life (IF YOU CALL IT A LIFE) BECAUSE HE EARNED IT...and made me feel like I did nothing at all.

Suddenly I found I couldn't laugh. I couldn't giggle anymore. My goofiness was gone. Elvis had left the building.

It took 2 years away from him for my old former goofy self...and the OVERACHIEVER SELF to come back full force.

I thought for the longest time I was ugly, stupid and felt why would anybody want me? that was what my xh used to say during his wS days.

In reality, I am an attractive girl with many curves...good ones. My mind is sharp. I am a devoted mom FIRST AND FOREMOST...and I have a full life. I giggle constantly now. I love to curl up by fireplace with my ds and watch spongebob with him and we giggle right along.

it feels so good to be able to simply smile again.

When the divorce finally happened, so much had gone so incredibly wrong in my marriage...at the end even the OW was very very pregnant, that I felt a 10000 ton weight was lifted spiritually from my heart. And yet I grieved...not for the man I was divorcing, but for the man I married years...almost 10 years now ago. That man. Not the horrid WS he had become.

So if somebody asks me, I divorced my WS. I buried my H. For he is no longer there sadly.

But life is good now. It's harder. No incredible disposable income at my fingertips anymore. But I HAVE SELF WORTH! MY SON KNOWS HE COMES FIRST WITH ME! We have honesty and integrity in our little home. WE have faith and hope and love. And lots of peace and smiles and hugs.

Funny thing...the ow, now his wifey, told me just a few months ago..."he is DRAINING THE LIFE OUT OF ME"..as he's doing the same thing to her now.

that is what living with an UNREPENTANT unrelenting and entitled WS can do to an otherwise healthy individual.

Thankyou, Melody.

However, I'm not sure I have 100% have found myself, again. I'm in a new relationship, after being alone for 10 years, and I'm starting to see some of the signs in myself, reappear, after not seeing them for a LONG time. (Since I was married)

I guess, I have that fear of "losing" myself, again. I've learned alot, but still have alot to learn. This is why I come here. I didn't have this place before, but I do now! And I just want to be wise in the next moves I make in my life. Anyway, I'm rambling, here...thanx for listening! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

Wow, Peach, what an awesome story! I'm happy for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I got married so young I never knew who "me" was outside of my roles in life. Husband. Father. Friend. Employee. Manager. Teammate. etc etc.

I have either found 'me' through this affair experience else I have quickly built a 'me' in response to it. In either case I know who *I* am now, and I don't like parts of me very much at all. Take away all the acts of ervice and I have lots of frailties I never had to address when I was defined by my marriage and other roles.

Now I have to address them.

I married within weeks of turning 18, had a baby before 19 and have have wife friend mum and temp deployment widow ever since.

I have no idea what you guys are talking about - before what??? lol

good gawd .. more NAPPIES ... DOESN"T THIS ONE EVER STOP hahhahahaha <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think this is common in a marriage.

For me...I became a wife/mother/coach/employee/army wife (a whole new level of commitment)...there was no time set aside for me. Every second was spent on my family. When my H said he was leaving us...I thought...no wait...this is who I am...this is what I do....I am nothing if I'm not your wife.

I really felt lost...felt like "what will I do now?"

The A woke me up. I am a person and deserve to spend time on myself and maintain who I am.

I think it's important to focus on yourself during a marriage and not get lost in becoming the 'roles' we identify with. This is something that should be taught to our children. I know I will make it a point to share these thoughts with my daughters.

Of course a marriage is a partnership...but becoming the 'roles' and lose'n yourself is not healthy.

I wonder if men often feel this way as well?