^Bump^

I have not posted for several weeks but have made some responses to others who have.

Things have been very interesting indeed. I have continued to do Plan A. As I said earlier I plan to do the best Plan A that I can possibly manage.

Anyway H has been magnificent! And I do not use that word lightly. While we have not had any relationship discussions we have been talking about anything and everything. We have been spending lots of great time together - enjoying the gardening, going to movies, out to dinner, walking along the beachfront - so many things. We have even started planning a mid-year holiday going south to visit family and then travelling further south for a couple of weeks.

While no progress has been made in the r/ship front in terms of solutions, everything else is pretty perfect! I plan to keep it that way for as long as I can and see if he changes his mind about the need to keep OW in the picture.

I have been doing a Reiki healing course and loving that. H has encouraged me all the way and has constantly offered himself up as a guinea pig for me to practice on. I find the principles of Reiki (as in knowing yourself first, so that you can help others) to be very pertinent for me at this time and I am feeling a lot more at peace within myself.

Anyway just wanted to keep you all updated, as you have offered to much advice and support. I try not to get too excited as I am always cautious of something going wrong but things feel pretty good right now. Will keep you posted.

Georgina <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the update Georgina, I was wondering about you.

Take care,
Suzet

I have been over on the Emotional Needs board and was reading a thread from a member (sorry I did not get the name) who did a 180-degree on her WS to change his thinking and bring him around, and was fascinated by it.

I wrote on my last post that my H has been fantastic and this continues – at the time I wondered why. Now I have a theory. I have completely stopped discussing ‘the problem’ and have not mentioned any relationship discussion for some time. I have continued doing Plan A and this seems to be going ok. H is continuing to respond. As I pondered the reason for this I have come to believe that if he thought from my previous feedback to him that I had had enough of what was occurring and that I was not going to accept how he described me then maybe, just maybe he was doing his own personal back flip.

We had lunch together in town today and it was lovely. Outdoors on the balcony of the restaurant on the most perfect day. During that lunch he took great pains to tell me the kinds of things that he does in his lunch time – telling me of places he buys a sandwich or the park where he goes to eat fruit if that is what he is having that day. Almost as if he was trying to tell me that he does not have lunch with OW any more. I quite deliberately asked no questions.

Am I reading too much into this? Maybe, but time will tell. Meanwhile I plan to just continue to enjoy life and see how things pan out.

My point is that in doing my own 180-degree by not discussing our issues have I forced him to rethink his situation and make changes?

Any comments on the above? I would be interested to hear what others think.

Georgina

Will you eventually needs to have those R discussions for your sake?

Is he able to meet all your needs, even the need to heal and to know?

L.

Orchid,

Thanks for your post. Yes I believe that we will definitely need to have the relationship discussion. I am happy with the situation as it is today, but this is not for the long term. We need to have closure on past issues and continue the work toward the future.

And yes, he is meeting most of my needs at present. Those that you specifically mention are in the not too distant future and will be brought to the fore.

Georgina

If I ever write again the kind of rubbish that I wrote in my previous two posts would someone come over to my house really quickly and give me one of those 2 x 4s that you kind people on this board are so famous for?

OWs name came up yesterday and I asked some questions about how often WH sees her. It seems that nothing has changed, and he still sees her regularly. Apparently she has been on leave for a couple of weeks - just coincidentally during the period when I thought that things were going so well.

This week's justification for continuation of seeing her is that she and her H are going through a tough period and if having lunch with her three or four times a week makes that easier then he intends to do it.

No mention of the tough time that I am having - either professionally (I think I told this story earlier) or personally - or the fact that I told him that he had done more damage to our marriage than he could possible realise.

Why is it that we are so eager to accept what they tell us, or imply to us? Is it that I so want things to be right that I accepted anything at face value? Jeez I sometimes feel like I am an extremely slow learner. I must have 'Bloody Idiot' tatooed on my forehead!!

A Very Sad Georgina

I was kind of concerned about that, but you seemed so positive, I was hoping along with you.

Have you exposed?

She may be having trouble with her husand over hainv lunch with yours. I do believe a pphone call might be a good thing to make to him. He may be fighting for his wife, too.

I think you need to expose at work as well.

Read the Carott and the stick of plan A on the just found out section of this forum.


take care

MoveForward. Thanks.

The situation with OWH is rather delicate. It is not possible to discuss the situation with him. He has psychological problems, is a recovering alcoholic (and quite proud of his achievements - and so he should be) and has been battling a work related court case for several years. I know from previous conversations with him that he does not have a problem with these lunches. My belief is that he simply does not have the capacity to deal with a marriage breakup and therefore he cannot afford to rock the boat.

As I have said in earlier posts, WH knows that two of his children (adults) know what is occurring. He has discussed the situation in great detail with one of them. He knows that my colleagues (who are part of my support network) know and responded by making disparaging comments about my 'well meaning friends'. He knows that one of my sisters, with whom he has always had a great family relationship as well as a respectful professional relationship, knows and none of this bothers him. He simply continues to state that he is doing nothing wrong and will continue.

My issue with the whole situation is not even about what he is doing, but the fact that years ago I asked him not to do it and he pretended that he had done so. I feel really duped because I thought that as he had respected my concerns about the one on one friendship that we could have a couples friendship which is what he said he wanted. We had them at our house, we went to theirs, I attended a scrapbooking evening with her (did not really want to but it demonstrated to H that I was willing to meet his need) and we even had their son stay with us for a week. I just feel stupid. All this did was give them even more opportunities to be together.

The level of intimacy between them is palpable. It is very hard to explain that but I realised that the contact continued by watching them together at our house last August. It was obvious from their behaviour with each other that these are two people who are very comfortable with each other. It made my skin crawl. You would think from watching them that they were a long term married couple! That is the level of 'comfort' for want of a better description.

I just find it so hard to accept that my H who has always been the most considerate of men, who listens to and is involved in community issues such as reconciliation is behaving as a complete neanderthal in this issue. He is so attached to the r/ship that he is unwilling to even admit that I have a right to be heard.

I talked to him last night about my belief that in marriage neither of us should do anything without the agreement of the other. I gave him the example of a training course that I am doing and that if he had difficulty with that because of cost, time taken or whatever we would discuss and come to agreement. (not that there is a problem with this, I just used it as an example to him) He agreed that this is what we would do. I then asked what the difference was with a r/ship be it with a male or female and he said that it was completely different and that was the end of that. No discussion. Over.

I am not telling anyone here anything new, so I guess that I just venting. I feel so frustrated and have no idea what to do anymore except keep looking after myself as I have been trying to do already and keep looking for ways of growth. And of course keep reminding myself that I am not the selfish person (amongst other things) that WH is repeatedly reminding me that I am.

Georgina

they work together, don't they? If so, you really need to expose to Human Resources or his boss.

If you have done a good plan a, maybe it is time for plan b.

Pep has a good post about that on the just found out section of the forum.

I am not sure if I am just venting or if I need some help so I will tell the story - just telling may make me feel better.

About two months ago H told me that he had joined a work related team which is participating in an overnight walk to raise funds for Cancer. (NB no problem with the cause or the activity) However he told me that I would not be happy with the arrangement because he would be away overnight at the local sports reserve and would be coming home mid morning Sunday when he would need sleep. I could not see that there was a real issue, apart from the fact that he was telling me not discussing the idea, until he told me that the Sunday was Mothers Day. He then informed me that I was not his Mother so the responsibility for any celebrations on the day would fall to the kids (grown ups). This has never been the way we do Mothers Day in our house and he knows it.

I was a bit upset about that but decided to get over it and move on. I was thinking about how we could spend the remainder of the weekend when last Wednesday night he informed me that he needed to be at the venue by 2pm and that on the Saturday morning he had a meeting to attend. He blithely informed me that he would be home by 10.30 and we could have lunch or something before he went to the venue at 1.30pm. Boy did that provide the straw that finally broke the camel's back!!

I am not a business meeting to be fitted inbetween his other activities. This is not the action of a man trying to repair his marriage !!!

Before he left at 1.30 this afternoon he tried to give me some details about the program he is participating in and suggested that I come down for dinner and stay awhile. I am still busy being mad at him and said that I would not go. I have probably done the wrong thing in giving up an opportunity to share the activity, at least to some degree, but what was he thinking in all this? Not about me, or us, I bet.

By the way, despite the fact that the overnight activity is a work related team thing, he has assured me that OW is not involved in it and will not be there.

Tell me folks, do I swallow my pride and go down there or stay home and enjoy my own company?

Any advice.

Georgina