Last night, as I was trying to sleep, I couldn't stop my brain from thinking about everything.

My main thought was that I was never going to have anyone put me first again......that I would never again be on someone's mind......the first thing in the morning, the last thing at night. Made me feel very lonely.

Then I started my self talk. I haven't been first or in anyone's (WH) life for a long time. Four and a half years and counting. Mades me angry.

When I think of how I have cut myself off from my friends. Running around like a whipped dog trying to get WH to want to be with me (even before I knew about the A).....being generally treated like crap - AND ALLOWING IT!!!! I feel a great deal of resentment. Not just toward WH, but also myself.

Thinking about all I have been thru these past 4 and a half years (and before - even thru the 33 years of my M).....these past few years have been intense and stressful.

I have lost my mother, my father, two very old and beloved pets, my M, had a hysterectomy, got an STD from WH which I will have for the rest of my life. Been lied to so much.....well, we all know what that's like.

Guess I'm just ranting.....or venting.

I'm counting my losses, when I should be counting my blessings. How will I make it? WILL I MAKE IT?!?!?

Blessings include....a new grandchild on the way, new found self respect, a realization that I DO matter, and so does my opinion, that I am a good person, I have 2 wonderful children, some very great friends, and I'M STILL HERE.

Sounds to me like I'm going thru all the stages of grieving. And I can feel the roots of my resolve grow deeper into my heart.

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN....MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN BEING ALONE.

And I know there will be a brighter day, and the dark times will be fewer.

Just some thoughts..........it helps to spell them out.

Thanks for listening.

K

Dear K,

I wanted to tell you that I read your post. There is not really much I can say about your situation other that it saddens me when I think about your husband and what he is about to loose..................

It's so true what you wrote:
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN....MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN BEING ALONE.

Being true to yourself comes from deep inside.........to be loyal to yourself is precious and if you can respect and love yourself, you will not be LONELY!

I think that people who are not comfortable with themselves and that haven't been able to straighten out their thoughts and find a direction in life are the true "lonely" people!

When my xWS wasn't capable to "think straight", he had no one to talk to, not even "himself"!!!

The day will come (for sure) and your husband will "wake up"............who will he have to talk to??? Who will he share his "history" with?????

No one can erase 33+ years of history!!!!

I can't tell you what will happen in the future but I truely believe that no matter what...........your husband will see through the dark someday and he will know for sure what he lost and that it wasn't worth it.

From what I have read you must still be in Plan B or????? What's your situation right now, K?

hugs
bb

do you really think that your newfound sense of self-respect, courage, and peace isnt going to be darn sexy to someone??? your gonna have 'em lined up at the door!