I guess I'm partially venting and wondering how many others WS just won't take one darn bit of accountabilty for thier infidelity...

Everytime our M or lack thereof is discussed (which is always a heated discussion) WH blames me - he takes absolutely NO accountability for his actions. It's always this is all your fault.

I agree with him that I take some accountability BUT he needs to own his part too..and he won't..

I'm to the point where I just want to take full accountability. Tell him Fine, I agree with you - this is all MY fault - Now, what do you want to do about it????????
Let's get this D or immediate separation from each other going. Our M is OVER - screw worrying about our business, $$$, splitting everything - let's just get the ball rolling - enough playing the Blame Game..let the attorney(s) or judge make the decision for us.

Anyone else get so feed up that you just owned all the problems/blame???

Absolutely not will I take the blame for his affair. I agree that we had some issues within our relationship and I told him I would do everything in my power to get the help I need and make changes within myself - he tells me it is too late - and the reason it is too late for us is because he has these "feelings" for the MOW. He is the one that ultimately made the choice to pursue this relationship with her. If he had not crossed the line and made that decision, I am 100% sure our marriage would have had a chance. HE is the one that brought us to the point of no return & I tell him everytime he feels he needs to bring up that it's ALL MY FAULT, I refuse to listen to him blame me for his actions anymore. He just cannot believe he is doing what he is doing, so of course, in his mind, it has to be all MY fault. I can't stand the person he has become, I do not know this man at all.

Don't you dare take full responsibility and tell him that you won't listen to him blame you anymore - and the more calmly you say it, the more effective it seems to be.

WSs are pretty creative at times in justifying their affairs. I'm amazed at their memories, bringing up minor, insignificant, and often exaggerated things from many years age to justify this.

Do not believe any of this. I'm of the opinion that nothing justifies an affair. If you're miserable in a marriage, get help, or as a worst case end the marriage, but don't have an A. An affair is the most selfish, uncaring and hurtful thing that you can do to someone who loves you.

Since I've started seeing a great therapist - It's amazing how calm I have become in dealing w/WH.

I have been trying for almost 3 years to make him see that his many affairs are totally unjustifable. He's never gonna "get it"..I'm wasting my breath, time and self-respect even trying to make "sense out of non-sense".

I don't even know WHY he bothers putting the blame on me - what purpose does it serve???


Yep - that's how you and many of us feel here - but for a WS that is a serial cheat/addict they are so caught up in the high feeling an A gives them that their BS is the last person they are thinking about. Their A or SF isn't about the BS or the M, it's about their needs only. They don't plan on getting caught or falling love it's a game to them.

I just don't want to play the Blame Game anymore, what does it matter who's fault it is anymore???? so if I just accept full responsibility - maybe the game will be over. I'm just worn out and want peace..no matter the cost..

Hugs....

{{{{ITHURTS}}}} How about accepting his opinion as valid for him rather than either arguing or agreeing with him? It takes two to continue an argument. If he starts, how about telling him something like, "I hear you saying that everything was/is my fault and this is why you no longer want a relationship (or whatever you hear him saying)."

People want to be heard, so let him know you hear him and leave it at that. Of course, you want to be heard to, but you can talk to us. Don't expect understanding from him.

Letstry - That's a good suggestion....

I'll give it a try..

Ithurts:

Yep - I remember that well. My final answer: "I am 50% responsible for whatever problems our marriage has - but I'm 0% responsible for your choice to have an affair"!

I also asked her when she was going to stop blaming me for the consequences of her own choices. Fog sucks doesn't it?

Wishing you better days ahead!

FR

[color:"green"]I wonder if your stbx is not using the blame game as a trigger to pull you into a fight.

When someone feels attacked they tend to fall into defending, denying, discounting, and diverting.

If you start discussing settlement and he starts to feel uncomfortable, it is easier for him to start a fight than it is for him to deal with the feelings associated with settling an issue.

So he may just feel defensive and start to unconsciously push your buttons in order to get back into a more familiar mode of communication. One where he can blame you for being difficult rather than face the fact that he, himself is difficult.

You have to remove the buttons he is pushing if this is the case, and to treat the marriage settlement as business. In a way, it is a business deal, and professional conduct is called for...

V. [/color]

Hi IH,

Yes, in my last marriage I just gave up. I let him file, told him I'd sign anything just to get out (now there were no children, no $, not even an A, so it was easier). To this day I'm not sure what the d papers say, and I really dont care. He was such a control freak I just had to get away. My friends and family know the truth, and since I'm not running for office or having children, I figure the d papers will not come out, anyway.

Enough is enough. It was worth everything to get away from him. I'd do it again if I had to. Sounds like yours is worse. Good luck to you - Dru

Sunny - I'm starting to "see" when WH starts proding me into in argument it stems from something I did but he doesn't want to bring the real reason he's ticked off out in the open right away. But, somewhere in the dispute my prior days actions are brought up.

The one way I can really tick him off is to get dolled up, go out and come home very, very late. He use to wait up and give me the wrath right then and there - now he waits till the next day. Yet, I have NEVER waited up or even asked where he was.

Even though WH doesn't want me, and feels it's OK for him to have multiple A's, but, it is not OK that some guy may be S#$#$$#$ his own wife.

He pushed almost every button of mine last week and I just didn't let any of it trigger an emotional outburst on my part. It was tough to hold back, but well worth watching him go off like a rocket, drive off in a frenzy, get drunk
and then find him sleeping on the couch.

Every discussion has been heated, we are not able to discuss this as 2 adults that have to separate from a very dysfunctional marriage. I truly want to sit down and iron out some of this mess. I'm not even concerned as to how much money I want for him to buy me out of our business, right now I just want enough to buy a home of comparable value as the home we have, and to maintain my position and financial assets at our company.

With him threatening to fire me (which I don't think he can), telling me to go buy a house, how in the ****** does he expect me to buy a house and not have a job, company car, expenses, etc??? Our home is paid for there is no mortgage, so I should go get a mortgage while he has his entire paycheck, company perks, etc. That type of thinking on his part is utter stupidity. I'm not moving till he starts to think/act rationally.

And if I have to take full accountabilty to get him to act as an adult, so be it. I will put it as Letstry suggested - "I heard you".

Any suggestions on how to get him to "talk" sensibly about our situation?? I realize he feels VERY threatened that I will get more $$$ than he thinks I should, and that it will put a damper on his lifestyle, but, hey, it's gonna put a damper on BOTH our lifestyles - Deal with it babe...I truly see no reason why I shouldn't be able to buy a home, and still maintain my ownership of the company, in the long run it would be cheaper for both us and I'm sure neither of us are going to get remarried - so we don't even have to divorce/settle.

We just need to do something, neither of us deserves to live like this anymore.