My husband had an EA with a woman at his office. They both still work there but I was promised by my husband that he had cut off anything but professional contact with her. During the time the EA was happening there were numerous text messages back and forth on his cellphone and those have stopped from what I can tell. Yesterday however while I was out he accessed his work email from our home and our daughter told me that she could see numerous emails from this woman. I asked him to show me the emails so I could have peace of mind that they were nothing but work related but he was adamnant that he was not doing that, that he was not going to have his life monitored by me and was not going to play my game. This has blown me away....in my mind if there was nothing to hide then he would show me willingly so that I did not have to worry or think the worse...any opinions on this??

I can assure you if your H was sincerely wanting you to feel at ease, he would gladly live his life an open book to ensure your peace of mind.

Michy,

Being that it is his work email, it may all be professional contact with her. Many people in the office email one another, if desks are far away from each other. It keeps them from getting out of their desks too often.

I would think if these are work email addresses, they are not going to be having affair related mail to each other. The Co. would probably frown on that. What do you think?

Lady

I think if thou does protest too much...

and
where there's smoke there is fire...

he is correct.......
this is NOT a game..
this is his desire to rebuild trust....

and it is his actions not words that do such a thing...

he should happily hand over all electronic communications to you...

ARK

michy - Not to disagree with another poster, but my FWH had an affair with a married co-worker that started through the company email. Only when the affair progressed did they switch to secret email accounts - like hotmail and yahoo. My H never checked his work voicemail from home either - except during his affair. So the fact that he checked his email at home is a flag and the fact that he won't show you is a flag. He doesn't deserve full trust - he needs to earn it. As far as work, my H works in an environment that strongly discourages spouses from even visiting the office. So it is my strong belief that most work places could care less about employees having affairs unless it directly impacts the bottom line.

Your husband needs to change jobs. He can't work with her without it being a constant threat to your marriage.

I don't think that the company really cares about what goes on between it's co-workers. A good example is that for Valentine's Day they have carnations you can buy and send to another co-worker. I don't really think that is an appropriate thing to do at a place of work. There have been many marriage breakups at this company because of affairs. It really doesn't help how I feel about our situation. My H says he wants to find a different job but he doesn't seem to be looking to hard. He also has an addiction problem which has been troubling our 20 year marriage for a couple of years now and this has a lot to do with the lack of trust I have towards him. He thinks by having to show me his email that it is a control issue on my part. I just keep coming back to the fact that if there is nothing to hide then he should be willingly letting me see these emails for my own peace of mind.

He is hiding his email because he is still in contact with the OW. I don't buy it that it is work related. I would lovingly explain to him that it hurts you that they work together. You are just asking for trouble by letting this situation continue.

I agree with you here Michy, being that affairs are tolerated within the Co. It doesn't say much for the integrity of the Co. either.

It would be good to ask your H again to see the emails, and express to him that it has nothing to do with a control issue, but a trust issue. If he is hiding nothing, then he should show you these. It may be all in the way you ask him. But if he still continues to not show them to you, you have every right to be highly suspicious.

I hope you find out soon Michy.

Blessings,
Lady

If he had nothing to hide he would be as tranparrent as glass. If he is otherwise, he is hiding somtthing from you. I suspect in an effort to continue his A without your interference.
What do you want to do about this?
Until you answer this Q I cannot give you any more advise.
All Blessings,
Jerry

I felt that I did ask in a loving way and then I pretty much begged because I felt so panicked by the situation. He just reactes to me in an angry way which he says is his frustration for me constantly checking up on him. As I mentioned this is more then just an affair situation because so much of the lack of trust stems from his addiction problems. I wonder if I should give an ultimatum that either he shows me or I cannot continue to work on this marriage?

What do I want to do about this?? Well I want to know exactly what I am dealing with and he swears to me that there is nothing going on between them other then professional contact. I want my marriage to work out and I have been trying very hard to work on myself and to overcome my co-dependecy issues that stem from his addiction problems but on days like today I wonder how much does one person have to deal with....

He's stonewalling....

Definition of Stonewalling...

- using delaying or stalling tactics
- refusing to answer questions
- doing whatever can be done to hinder or obstruct a discusssion
- bluntly refusing to cooperate with partner

A spouse who stonewalls effectively drives away and rejects
his or her spouse.

Michy, explain this to your H as best as you can.

Blessings,
Lady

What addiction problems does your H have?

He has a drug addiction and an alcohol abuse problem. He had 8months clean from his DOC but in the last 2 months relasped twice so I am totally on edge again when it comes to all of his behaviours. It's not a healthy way to be and I am now going to Alanon to try and get some help for myself. I just wish that I didn't have to also contend with an OW at this time but apparantly I don't have any control over that either!! It's very difficult and I want so much for our marriage to work out but as time passes I really wonder if I can.....

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!! for taking care of yourself and attending ALANON...
bravo to you....

I would suggest you focus solely on you...
alanon
and getting yourself healthy..

he needs to commit to sobriety for any real marriage building to occur..

is he willing to go to AA or rehab..
ark

Go to alanon. They will help you.

Don't let his anger scare you. He can never again have contact with the OW - that is the way to make the marriage better.

Thanks Ark...it was a big step for me and I am really hoping I can start getting healthy and back to myself. My H attends NA sporatically.....I really don't feel like he has embraced the program but as I keep being told it's his recovery. I can't believe how deeply effected our marriage and family is from all of this but it truly is a family disease and I agree with you completely that until he commits to sobriety our chances for a successful marriage are greatly impacted.

Since my H confessed his A, I have access to all his e-mail accounts, and he doesn't delete anything until I have seen it. If he opens his e-mail when I am home, he will call me to come look at it before he closes it. He has completely forfieted all privacy at this point, that's how it should be. If he is hiding the e-mails from you, chances are there's a reason for it.