I wanted to re-post this to see what suggestions anyone may have...?


I took the kids to a church function last night at a local skating rink. The 10yr and 8yr sons were zooming around, and I was slowly making it around the rink with the 3yr daughter (props to her, she is fearless!). And so many of my church friends, who don't know my sitch, were coming over to me with comments. All the women, and some men, were saying generally the same thing....


"Oh how nice. You gave Mom a night off from the kids. That is so sweet of you. Is that part of your Valentines gift to her? She is so lucky".

What am I to say...?

"No, she is divorcing me and this is my week with the kids."

"Nope, this is not a Valentine's gift from me, and this is the first Valentine's day in 19yrs that I haven't gotten her anything!" (VD 1987, before we met and she was not quite 15rs old and I had just turned 17yrs old!)


By the looks of things, this divorce is going to take several months. I am really not sure how to answer people in these types of situations in the interim.

What's wrong with the truth?? You don't need to go into detail about it. Who knows, it might prove to be good therapy.

Handle it with your new changes TD <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Handle it with class.

Just mention, their mother and I are seperated.

If they go - oh I am sorry, or how come.

Just say - these things happen, smile nad go on your way.

Handle it with class....your dignity and your class is what will pass on to your children.

No one needs to know what she has done now that it is over, no one needs to know what you have done, now that it is over. Exposure is null and void at this point...

Your wife probably will not handle it with class and tell the world what you have done to her...

Be the man we have watched you change into - and keep that integrity inside and set the example for your children TD.

Yeah, I guess I have given up hope that God will send a lightning bolt down and save my M. I kept clinging to that for so long.

All I know is that I am fairly confident that this D will be ongoing in to May, a year from when everything hit the fan. That will be a whole year of my life spent being miserable. What a waste.
Atleast I have been able to identify whatI need to do to get my house in order, so not a waste really. Just a very tough way to learn some important lessons.

And I guess I shouldn't worry about telling anybody.... It is kind of like the joke about "What's the worst mistake a coroner can make? That he screws up and his patient lives?"

Tired Dad.

Think of it not as a waste. LOOK at the time you are devoting to your children and God now - is that a waste??????Loook at the changes you have made and how far you have come. IS that a waste?

I remember when you first came - you were so negative, so angry, so bitter - and you started to find positives - KEEP IT UP - dont' fall into the trap.

I am not saying don't greive, or hurt or be angry - you have every right to be - I am just saying take what you have learned and grow.

You yourself fell into the trap of an affair...what did you learn from it - your wife has ALOT to learn...and as you have learned you can only change yourself. Keep those changes UP.

I would just tell people you are seperated for now.

The reason why? When my H left me - he told the WORLD about my A...8 months after the fact!!!! In order to make himself not look so bad. I bet your wife is doing the same.

I did try to expose my H...but more or less - i let him go.

We reconsiled and to this day - it has been so hard for us knowing that everyone KNOWS everything (well most don't know about him - but they all know about me)

If things every do turn around for you - you dont need that - let her cause the damage - you hold you head high - don't fall into the old angry vengeful you

Give it to God <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree - you have changed a lot since you first showed up. I remember back when you first showed up on the Emotional Needs board.

You've done a lot of soul-searching over the past year that you've been put thru the wringer. You've had some lessons drummed into your head the hard way - but the introspection has helped you move forward as a person.

My answer in that type of scenario was and is

" My wife found her fantasy man. Unforunately, it is not me"

I then smile and change the subject.

Well, last night was not good. She was very upset about my MB posts over the last few days. In her mind I am fishing for sympathy here.


Anyhow, she ended up telling me that for the 12 1/2yrs of our marriage that I have been a weight around her neck, holding her back, making her feel bad about her self. Note that she never had to work a job the entirety of our marriage. She has been a SAHM since day 1, even before we had kids!


When I said that I think she will live to regret the D, she said "No, when it is official I will say Hallelujah I am free"!


Free from what? Free to work a job, free to deal with kids who will have issues growing up in a broken home, free to deal with men who will never love her kids as much as I love my kids, free to deal with men who will in no way be willing to change themselves for her as I am willing to do, free to shuttle the kids between homes, free to more likely than not find a man with kids that she will have to blend in with her own, free to hear about how more likely than not her kids will also have to blend in with other kids if / when I get re-married, free to live on a lesser budget, free to lay in bed at night and wonder what could have been if she would have tried one more time as I am asking her to, free to look at her kids and say that they have a broken home because she was not willing to try one more time even as their father was asking her too, free to think about the 18 years of memories of her life that she is wanting to discard, free to deal with her pain and issues without the one person who could help her the most with them? I know that I caused most of them, but I also know that I am now in the position to help her heal and recover from them.


Her comments last night cut me to the core. Just when I thought I was ready to let go and be ok with it, she says things that cut me so deep that I realize they wouldn't hurt so bad if I still didn't have deep feelings for her.


I really and truly feel that over the past several weeks I have been much more pleasant and agreeable in general, and more so than she has been to me. For her to shoot all of that down as me having done nothing different just devastates me all over again.


I must have a defective love bank, because there is no reason I should still have these feelings after all of this.


All I know is that I am deeply hurting today and I don't know what to do. I can't handle going on in staus quo, just waiting for the divorce procedings to play out while we co-exisist in our home together.


My middle son, 8yrs, slept with me last night. He was asleep when I made it to bed, and I spent probably 20 minutes just staring at his face and thinking. My kids are so beautiful and so young and innocent. They don't deserve this. They deserve BOTH parents in a happy home. I know that I am not completely where I need to be yet, but I know that I am progressing and am better than I was and am moving in the right direction.
I know that I would be willing to do anything I could to keep my kids family together. I know that I still love their mother. I know that if she and I both honestly tried, we could create a realtionship that would be loving to each other and would provide the kids with a loving, intact family.
I KNOW THIS!

This divorce will haunt me forever. I know it will haunt stbxw forever whether she wants to admit it or not. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it will haunt my kids forever as well, and that is so very sad.
I do take my share of the responsibility for this, BUT, I am still willing to do what it takes to change it.


Today is really going to suck.....

I am so sorry this is happening to you. My heart really feels for you. She will regret her decision in time. What she is seeing is not the real world. I know I was a single mother for 3 + years and it is the hardest job out there. Working full time and still having young children. The boss does not understand when children get sick and you have to stay home. Once my children had chicken pox 1 -one wk the next week the second one. That was my 2 wks vacation for the year spent taking care of 2 boys sick. It is the loneliest and longest hourly job out there. Food was short -not for my boys but for me. When storms hit I had to shovel ect all alone. I could go on and on for days about what it is like.
Would it be possible for you to move out and get your own place -this would show her how bad it would be. Does she work now? She better get a job. Full time. Life will not be the same for her. Have you tried the 180? It does work in some instances and has for me.
As we have read here some people get back together just before the D is granted maybe she will see the light in time.
I pray for you and your family.
Also after 18 yrs with someone it is not easy to stop our feelings of love. That will take time for you to heal.I send you {{{{{{{Tired Dad}}}}}}}}}

I can't move out, we can't afford it. Court orders are in effect that prohibit any changes to the financial setup. Also, if I moved out I wouldn't see my kids. I WILL NOT GIVE UP MY KIDS. She may abandon me, but I won't ever let them feel like I have abandoned them. They will always deserve TWO parents. If she wants that to be two seperate parents, fine. But I will not give up equal time with my children.


I had said in an earlier post that my stbxw is the only person in my life to have ever shown me consistent love and affection, prior to our troubles starting last May05. Now it is only my children. And I hug them and tell them I love them as often as I can.


I grew up in a family that did not show signs of affection, no hugs, no saying ILY, etc.... of course it shaped some of the negative behaviors I have today. Much of my negative behaviors are rooted in issues from my family life growing up. That is not to say it was abusive. They did the best they could, I think.


Me moving out would not show her "how bad it would be", because with the finances set by the court to maintain status quo she does not have to worry about working. In fact, she became very angry at me last night when I told her I had arranged for all of our re-ocurring monthly bills to be paid out of my checking account, and then I gave her the checkbook for our joint account and told her she could handle all of our discretionary spending. I have always done this in the past, but in Jan she quit using her credit cards and exclusively uses our joint account debit card. So at the end of the month when my credit card bill comes in there isn't enough in the joint account to cover it. And she also refuses to give me any reciepts to track what she spends. She tells me to track it online, which is not easy. So I figured out a way to cover my credit card, paid up all the bills, set it up so all the re-ocurring bills will be paid automatically before we can spend it, and turned the checkbook over to her for everything else and let her know that I will be using the debit card as well. I am not going to use my credit card any more. No more deficit spending.


She got upset and said she was going to call her lawyer today because I was trying to control her financially. What? I gave her the friggin checkbook for her to control it. I will give her my reciepts daily. SO I have to accept deficit spending or else I am "financially controlling"?


I am not trying to control her financially. I just can't handle the stress of trying to track her spending without reciepts, trying to make sure that the account doesn't get overdrafted, worry about covering expenses when we overspend on credit, etc... So now we will spend what we have and nothing more. And it is all under her control.


And I am not saying she goes out and blows money extravagantly. Most of what she spends is on household things and for the kids. But I spend very little. My biggest expenditure is on gasoline to get to and from work. Well, now my biggest expense is on couselling.....


Look, I acknowledge that my past behavior is largely responsible for the condition of my marriage. But I also steadfastly acknowledge that I CAN do the things to repair my M and save my family if my stbxw would be willing to try again.


It is now almost 7 months since d-day. Back on d-day +1 I thought by now we would be so far down the road to recovery.... I can't believe we are actually so far down the road to D.

Well, that's her problem.



Can you think of a better way to phrase that? (Could be a DJ...) I think it'd be better to keep such comments about yourself - i.e., I will regret the D.


T_D, you do have my empathy. I wish the pain would abate. Please continue to make the changes in yourself you need to make. And please try to lose the bitterness (however 'justified' it may be). It ain't becoming of you.


Well, that is a one choice.