After 15 years of marriage - the last 2-3 have been difficult (lots of pointless arguing), my husband has told me that he has come to the realization that he is not only not in love with me now - but feels he was never in love to begin with. We have been together as a couple for more than 20 years and have 3 kids- the youngest of which is just 6 months old!

I have felt pressure and stress in our relationship for several years, and after finding this site just recently, understand how our marriage has become so damaged. However, I can not accept that love was never there - and therefore can not be found again.

What can I do to help my husband commit to at least trying to find the love again and heal our relationship. He says he loves me - but not in a way that makes him happy.

I am so hurt that I can't think straight. I don't know if I am kidding myself, or if I should try to do whatever I can to find help. Not sure if counseling, work on this site will help a man who says such things.

He also has been having an emotional affair with a neighbor that we have discussed. I fear that those feelings he has are what he is looking for - and no one can compete with the feelings of a "crush" - much less a wife of 15 years...

Well, you're likely right in your thoughts about how he's feeling that "crush" feeling from the EA. What he's saying to you is typical 'fog-babble'...almost all wayward spouses say this. My wife hadn't been happy in "years"...when after she ended her affair and truly had begun working on rebuilding our marriage, she realized that she hadn't been happy in about a year...from about the first time she'd started having online friendships with men.

It was one of these friendships that truly led to her EA...

My point is that if you read the literature on this site, you'll find that most WS's "re-write marital history"...and they don't even realize that they're doing it. It's kind of a mental defense mechanism...it's a way to justify what they're doing in their own minds.

Follow the plans and advice you see on this site...and when your WH starts to come around, you'll slowly see him revise his 'marital history' over time into something you can actually recognize.

Ho-hum, that's what they all say.

Is the neighbor married?

They all say that. I think there is a kernel of truth in what WS's say about the M, but it is usually blown way out of proportion to justify the A (this is not done intentionally, I think the brain just is protecting itself from the horror of what the person is doing). They compare the "high" of the affair-addiction to what they feel for you and they think are no longer (or were never) in love with you. When my H was out of the A (for a little while), he was able to see that he did not love her.

I am FWW (current BW) and I said and did things to my H, while I was in my A, that I deeply regret. But at the time, I believed all of it. It is scary what the mind will do actually. I definitely did re-writing of marital history.

We both treated each other poorly due to the As. What is sad is that my H does not even look like the man I married anymore-- he is so angry all the time (and I am not the only one who has seen it). He was always such an honest, kind-hearted, thoughtful man, and the A has just changed him. I know he is not the person he has become, but it is hard to watch.

Hang in there---this is really hard to deal with.

I'm actually surprised that these replies are so focused on the EA. I guess I was underestimating the power of that since he was very clear about all of the other feelings he has had that have nothing to do with the OW - who is married, by the way.

We spoke- the OW and I- and she apologized for "hurting my heart" (ugh) and insisted everthing was innocent. They were just very close friends.

I heard a phone message she left him, and it was way too close for comfort (ending with I'm thinkin of you - and I love you.) The excuse was that she was calling to check about his father who is very ill. I know that whatever the situation, If I were a marrried person and someone's wife said what I said, I would back off - period. I know that she has called hiim at least once she we last spoke.

But - again - my H was very clear about his discontent- and it has a lot to do with our horrible love-buster ways over the years. We really did a number on eachother's self esteem. I know I made many mistakes. But, that being said, I am ready to pull my weight in therapy. But- how can I get my H to commit to do that.

He has offered no ray of light in that area. No comment one way or another- just frozen in the moment.

Read up on Plan A and on the emotional needs questionnaire.
Don't however ask your H to take the questionnaire at this time. In fact, don't even tell him about Marriage Builders. It is your secret weapon.

For now, consider that your H was taken away on the mother ship and they left an alien in his place. Don't take anything he says personally.

We are divorcing at present, my H had an EA with a married woman whose husband was supportive of their "friendship". The "friendship" your neighbor has with your H has to go, absolutely.

Read about Plan A, and about How Affairs Must End, and about Exposure, the No Contact letter, Policy of Joint Agreement. As to the alien, just be nice to him.

No heavy relationship talks. No pleading, begging, reasoning, or educating him. He is in fog.

JHLP, everything your H is saying is what we hear on here every day from spouses who are in an affair. Their feelings: "I love you but am not in love," and "I have never loved you" are all a DIRECT RESULT of an adulterous affair. It is classic behavior that is SPECIFIC to someone in the throes of an affair.

They ALL rewrite history ["I have nver loved you"] in order to rationalize the affair. They ALL say that it has nothing to with the affair in order to DIVERT your attention. But that is all it is, a weak diversion. There is nothing that is more harmful than an affair, and that is the main issue. All this foggy thinking is a direct result of the fogged out reality they enjoy while in an affair.

JHLP, your best hope is to get into Plan A. And Plan A means that you work to end this affair by a) busting up the affair through exposure and b) attracting him back into the marriage by attempting to meet his needs.

But all of this is for naught until you have busted up this affair. That is the greatest threat to your marriage.

Does the OW's husband know of the affair? If not, he needs to be notified.

They always say it has nothing to do with the other person.

You need to speak to the woman's husband and clue him in on what is going on. In some ways an emotional affair is worse than a physical affair.

It is because we understand that the main problem here is the affair. We know that his feelings have EVERYTHING to do with the affair despite his denials. And until that is busted up, nothing else can be fixed.

Yeah, they all say that. Read up on Plan A, eliminate your LoveBusters, and try to meet his Emotional Needs. That's a good plan for you. And he needs to end that friendship. However, only he can do that.

I am numb after reading Plan A/B. I've acutally started on the right foot before even reading plan A - asking my H to separate from his "friend" - not pleading but telling him how continued contact makes me feel and asking him to consider limiting that contact if it is something he can do - for me.

I now see that his lack of a clear answer is a in fact a clear answer - he is struggling with that choice.

My dilemma is that that the OWs kids are very close play mates with my kids. Thats how the friendship began -- planning play dates and hanging out (like traditional house wives. I work and my husband works from home - and spent many days with the OW - with our children.) A clean break will affect the children - or it could. So, if I am the person asking for this relationship to end - I can be seen as the one who is "hurting the kids for no reason.."

My heart and soul ache from this. I have spoken to the OW as I said earlier. She insist all is innocent. There was no offering of support (like, I will stay away, if that makes you feel most comfortable.) I got none of that.

I asked if her husband had any issues with her close friendship with my husband and she said - it came up months ago and they "talked it out." Her husband thinks my husband is great.... blah, blah, blah. Suffices to say- I never see her husband, and he rarely if ever contacts my husband or me directly.

It's nightmare...

It's a nightmare for you. But there are things you can do. Plan A is the starting point. It sounds like you have been doing that. Good.

It also includes exposing the affair - and that is what it is, an AFFAIR.

We have several folks here that were in your position, with kids that are good friends, neighbors, in sports together. That makes it harder. But your husband and the OW have crossed the line. They can't have contact ever again, if you want your marriage.

Think this stuff over, and keep reading here. You will find that affairs change people, and a loving husband can turn into someone completely different. The history of the marriage changes, they lie, and all act the same - they even say the same things.

If it was so innocent, the other woman would back off. What kind of woman, when confronted by the wife, wouldn't?

THank you all for the sage advice.

I am struggling with the exposing of the - (gulp) affair.

For an EA especially - how does one do that without looking like a fool - and in my case, causing conflict with the another couple - and all of our children.

I look like the bad guy, don't I? I know I am not -but it would be so easy for my H to say the state of our marriage has nothing to do with his relationship with the OW. He has said that they became such good friends because he was so unhappy to begin with....

Hey JHLP-

Your H is full of crapola, ok? Just accept that. He is probably lying to you about the depth of the affair as well. God, I've typed my little story so much...here's the short version:

I allowed my FWW to have her little "friendship," let her know I disapproved, and implemented Plan A. Guess what? I waited too long to expose and she slept with the guy, unprotected! Then she slept with me! And didn't admit to the PA for over a month after I exposed her. The moral is, get this sucker out in the open right away.

Don't worry about how you look, your H is wrong. You have to believe this to save the marriage. Tell EVERYONE who cares about your family, including parents and friends. By the time my FWW got around to trying to find support for her A all of her friends had been warned and no one had a sympathetic ear for her. You will be surprised about how many people will rally around you if you are strong.

Now, if you need motivation, ask yourself if you like the idea of him between her legs...because that's what will happen eventually if it hasn't already.

Sorry, but it's the truth. Everyone likes to think their WS is different, but at the surface they are not.

Good luck.

What was that old movie where the guy is trying to disable a robot and he tells it "everything I say is a lie". The robot processes that and then the guy says "I'm lying". Well the robot tries to rationalize all of this and eventually blows up.

Never loved you? Why did he stay with you so long? Why didn't he have an A sooner? Don't believe anything your H says right now. Every WS says this. It is in the handbook.

My WW said this and it hurt very much. It took me a long time to get over that one - until I found out it was pure mierda. Even so, it still twinges because I know she still believes it.


(I think it was an old Star Trek now that I think about it)

Oh Dear How I feel for you.

My wife's OM was our next door neighbour, my eldest son'e football coach. His youngest son and our youngest son were like blood brothers.

OM has moved now. What my wife finds hardest is that she was the cause of the rift in their friendship - she & her affair partner.

Unfortunately his son and our son are among the casualties of the situation. It sucks, but there you have it.

As I am implementing Plan A - softly persuading my H to end the Emotional Affair - should I contact the OW - again and be firm with her asking her to stop all contact? And, if she is not supportive - should I tell her that I am going to have to speak to her husband about it?

The OW doesn't care about your marriage or your family. She wants your husband.

Tell her husband that you are afraid they are having an emotional affair, and that now he says he never loved you. Ask for any help he can give. Tell him about this site so he can realize how damaging emotional affairs are to a marriage.

No...you should just contact OWH directly now and expose to him what you know. Tell him EXACTLY what it is about this entire thing that shows you that this is an EA.

Speaking with the other person is rarely helpful. Just like your WS, they will lie to continue the affair, etc...they will do ANYTHING to keep the addiction going. And threats just make matters worse...your best bet here is to go ahead and contact him directly...NOW...and show him how this relationship is inappropriate. Ask him to help you in ending this relationship between his W and your H so that BOTH marriages can recover.

My wife was involved in an EA only...had never even met the guy in person. When confronted with my 'proof'...she was all set to go live with someone that she'd never even met. Do NOT underestimate the power of an EA...and bear in mind that it's still possible that it IS a PA as well, and you just don't have any supporting evidence of that yet.

Once you expose...expect all heck to break loose. They will both go BALLISTIC on you for destroying their fantasy. Simply ask your WH why on Earth would he be so upset if this was "just" a friendship??? Of course his marriage should come first over "just" a friendship, right?

Keep posting and reading here...it's probably going to get harder before it gets better.

JHLP, the key is not to be SOFT, but FIRM. You are saving your marriage, remember? Be brave and bold, not soft.

I would contact the OW's H NOW and tell him what is happening. Dont' threaten to do this, just do it. Don't tell your H you are going to contact him. If you make a threat, then the OW will just spin it to her H as you being a jealous shrew. Then when you do contact him, he won't believe you.

Then, address it with your H again and ask him to end contact and send her a nc letter.

Camoknightswife is exactly right, your children't best interest comes ending this affair and that means you must end all contact with this family. THAT is in the best interest of your children.