That is the question!

I have been thinking and I really want to write OW an e-mail because I feel like there are things she needs to hear. She sent this e-mail to my BF saying that she hopes one day we can all be friends. And it really hurt my feelings because it was like saying I have no reason to be upset and she doesn't feel bad at all for what she did. I feel like maybe she might show a little remorse if she knew what I was going through...not eating..not sleeping etc. Anyway I wrote her but haven't sent it yet. I thought I would ask for advice on this one. BF says he thinks it will do more harm than good because who knows what she will say and he said I will probably get upset no matter what she says. He is probably right because if she isn't remorseful...well it's obvious why I'll be upset. If she is remorseful then I'll probably be angry that she was manipulative enough to do it in the first place. BF said that if I feel like I really need to write her than I should send it to her with no return address so she can't reply and that way I can say what I want to say and then that's it.

I have to admit the question popped into my mind...is he hiding something? Is he affraid she'll tell me something that he is hiding? I guess I don't realy believe this to be true but I'm just so suspicious of everything now. What does this mean? What does that mean? He said that he doesn't think it will help me to feel better and maybe he is right. But I feel like I'm some sort of phantom person in a distant land to her and I want her to know that we are a real couple and I am a real person with real feelings. I wanted to send her a picture of BF and I together and happy as well so she could see what she has destroyed.

Honestly I'm not out for revenge. I don't want to destroy her life. All I want is for her to accept responsibility for her actions. She doesn't have to spend all night every night in tears...I just want her to say "I'm sorry" or SOMETHING. I mean of course it wasn't all her fault but I do know that she came on to him (I knew this before the A even happened).

It is so weird how one minute it's an up day and the next minute it's turned into a down day. Today I was having a great day until I was talking to BF and all he said was that he was going to go take a shower and then all of the sudden out of nowhere my mind drifted from the keyword "shower" to him taking a shower with her (which they did do). Quick side note...you may be wondering why I know this. Well when he started to be honest with me about what had happened he was way TOO honest and now I know every freaking detail. Anyway, any suggestions would help here. Should I just keep her out of my life all together and try to let it go? It makes me so mad she is just living her life and has all of these fantasies and my life feels like it's ending. I even dropped half of my degree at school because I couldn't handle the pressure while I was going through this. Can't she just say she is sorry? I mean that's not too much to ask is it?

Recover, If you let your happiness ride on her response, well, plan on being miserable! KWIM?? You'll probably NEVER get what you want from this woman. Write it and burn it.

YES, what you want is reasonable and understandable... and she'll never 'get it'!! It is *NOT* happening, and asking her for it only makes you look weak and cause arguments.

Our xow said the same: "are we all friends, or enemies?" as if that were our only choices! As if we were a 3some! And without expressing any remorse on her part! AND she was MY former close "friend"!! INSANE. Bad boundaries. Don't expect great mental health from crazy people.

Xow looks at the A as your boyfriend's problem, your problem, not her problem (after all, she thinks, you weren't even married), and her post-A excuse will always be HER joy in HER child. It's probably easy for her to gloss over you, have no guilt, and focus on her kid. That's reality.

As for your BF, there are CONCRETE things he can and should do to regain your trust. There's great descriptions of this things in the book "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring. I highly recommend it, for that chapter alone (although the rest of the book is great too).

Take good care of yourself.
J

Speaking from experience, DON'T DO IT! I sent a letter to the xow when I had gotten the mail and found a Christmas card from her to my H with her address and "Just thought I'd let you know that we moved". I shot off a letter, letting her know that she's crossing a line and all that, and she sends me a letter back telling me how H had met her for lunch and stuff 4 months earlier. That was also the time that H had bought me a new engagement ring since our DD had lost the original one! She tells ME not to judge lest I be judged in return!!!! It's not worth the time or effort because they WON'T show remorse, in the majority of cases. Now, on the flip side, when I was the MOW, I chose not to send a letter or call the BW, because I didn't feel that it would be taken seriously, when I was totally sincere. I firmly believe that she would have just thrown it back in my face. So, it's one of those Dam'd if you do dam'd if you don't situations. I agree with Jenny, if you need to, write it all out and then burn it. Much more theraputic and you don't get burned again unless you put your hand literally into the fire!

As for how to deal with your BF, well, I know you said that he couldn't find a job where you are, but with what's happened, I think he should move out there and be present in your time of need and in so doing, even if he takes a job that doesn't pay as much, find one where you are, and show his support. It's hard enough for us military wives to be seperated from our H's for months and years at a time, but in your case, your BF can and should show his good faith in wanting to repair the damage and quit his job where he is and move out there with you and find SOMETHING! In my opinion, he's just paying lip service. Until he shows you in action, don't let your guard down. To me, it doesn't matter if the xow did make the first move, the point is your BF made that second move that caused you to be in this position in the first place! He should be willing to do anything to prove to you that he is sorry for what he's done, and that includes taking a pay cut to move out with you and away from xow. That is such a minor thing compared to what he's asking of you, forgiveness while he is thousands of miles away from you and you being in so much stress that you had to drop classes!

Or, and this is going to sound harsh, break up now. Let him know that if he really wants to make it up to you, you will think about getting back together once he moves out there. If he's not willing to bend over backward to prove to you how sorry he is, then is it really worth it? This is from my own experience of BOTH the WW and the BW. As a BW, I needed that reassurance, and as the WW, I was willing to do ANYTHING to make right what I had done wrong.

You need to think in the long run. If this child is your H's, then you are looking at paying CS for the next 18+ years, depending on the laws in the xow's state. Right now, you aren't M'd, and you have that option to not get M'd. You have the option to easily(I know not THAT easy emotionally, but legally easier than if you were M'd) walk away and start over. Or, when you DO get M'd, make sure that all YOUR stuff stays that way, either through a pre-nup or through keeping everything in your name. In some states, they do take the W's income into account. Find out your rights before you do ANYTHING!!!!

So, I've given you my opinions from my own experience. I know some of it isn't what you wanted to hear, but in seeing how your BF is acting, staying where he is in your time of need, seems he's still being selfish. Take a step back and look at your situation with someone else's eyes and see what you really want to do. Think in the long term, not just your knee jerk reaction. Good luck.

You'd be better off sticking a pencil in your eye. Seriously. It'd hurt less.

You wrote it. Print it out, delete it from your mailbox, then burn the paper copy.

OW don't usually care very much that they are also partially responsible for your pain. They just don't get it....and you don't want her knowing your hurt. It just doesn't matter...just like the BF boundries didn't matter.

- Kimmy

Thank you to everyone for your responses. It's definately not what I wanted to hear but I guess you are right. It's probably better for me not to establish contact between her and I when none is necessary anyway.

Tigger,
When this first happened I did demand that he move out here but in the end we both decided it wasn't best. Yes it would be better for emotional support but instead he is going to fly out here every month while I'm here. The fact is I have no money and in order to get through this school I need his support financially and he can't give that to me if he has a poor job too. I would have to drop out. So we are trying to compromise as much as possible. He is getting webcams for his house that I can check in on when I am feeling insecure etc. As much as I would like to tell him nothing else matters and he needs to move out here, it just isn't true. In the long term it would be a bad decision. Right now he has very good benefits etc if we do get married as we had planned when I graduate. It pissed me off at first when he said no but I understand now that he was just trying to think of our future together. I talked to our therapist and she said that I shouldn't keep putting conditions on love "if you loved me you'd move out here, if you loved me you'd do this or that".

I appreciate your advice and I guess I shouldn't send the letter. It just amazes me that she wouldn't be able to understand what she's done. I feel like I just want to kill her sometimes, friends? I mean I feel like she has ruined my entire life and she wants to be my friend? AHHHH!

OK deep breath...