Apologies in advance. This is my first time and it's long.

I have been lurking in this forum for quite some time, taking on board all the wisdom and advice but despite this seem to be messing up the reconciliation process. I have decided it is time to post my story and ask for help.
I am the BS many times over in a 22 year marriage. The last D-day was Nov 9 and at my request he moved out the following week. We both have been in IC since early Jan but WH does not feel ready for MC yet. The last affair was a very brief fling that was over by the time I was informed of it by OWH. However there have been many other afairs, one lasting 8 yrs and two previous attempts at MC.
Curretly my hubby spends some of every weekend at our home and has our 3 children, ranging from 19-12 one evening a week for dinner. He tells me over and over he loves me and wants to repair our marriage but refuses to discuss our sitch. Last night because work was busy he blew off the kids off and tonight, once again, let work be his priority instead of arriving in a timely manner for the dinner I had invited him to over the weekend. Normally Valentine's Day has not been a huge feature in our lives but I had gone to some effort to make it special tonight.
I was so upset, angry and hurt when he informed me he was going to be 2 hours later than previously indicated. I told him not to come. I packed up his dinner and the small gift I had for him and dropped them at his place with a letter saying I was disappointed for myself and the kids by his choices tonight, I did not want to see him tonight because I was so upset with him that we wouldn't have had a pleasant evening. I asked him not to call me and told him that at the moment I didn't want to see him over the weekend but would let him know if I changed my mind. I wrote that I felt like I didn't want to hear from him until he was ready to make a commitment to me, our marriage and our family and that I wanted him to make repairing our marriage his primary priority. I did say if he couldn't make these choices so be it, I love him and I want him to be happy. Anyway I later found some flowers and a card he had left for me on his way home but otherwise I haven't heard from him and don't expect to any time soon.
I know I am not handling things properly. Like so many here I feel at my wits end by H reluctance to engage with me in reconcilation. Its been 3 months now but he is still wallowing in self pity and shame (this is the first time I have gone public with his infidelity). I don't know what to do from here. Any suggestions?

All approaches welcomed.
G

Is there not anybody out there who can offer me some advice? I know I could really use some.
Latest update - went to see my counsellor yesterday and still very upset, sad and confused. Cried throughout session. She seemed pleased I had decided to serverely limit contact, my girlfriends and sister are also happy about this. Kind of along the lines of a plan b - protective isolation from his damaging behaviour. The thing is though, all day and especially tonight I am missing him so much it is almost tangible. I did have to speak to him earlier this evening and he doesn't seem too bothered, me however distraught and not knowing if i'm doing the right thing - I suspect not.
Please help me with this.
G

G,

Just writing to let you know I read your post and you are in my prayers.

I am hoping one of the oldtimers post for you as you seem to need some advice.

My advice to you is to read all you can here. Have you ever done a plan A?

I know exposure is a big thing here to expediate the affairs end.

From your post I am not so sure the affair is ended. Your WH sounds like he may still be involved.

Do your children know?

I would not hesitate to let the older ones know of their father's indiscretions.He needs to be held accountable for his actions.

Take what you need from my OPINIONS and leave the rest.

Keep posting!

Ritz

It seems your husband is a serial cheater or sex addict. The IC will be good for him, if he continues to go. He has to fix himself before the two of you can fix the marriage.

I think it is good that you put down some boundaries. Has he always been working late at his job, or is this a new thing?

If there were many affairs in the past, he could be a serial cheater and unable to change. Your post does make it sound like he's not ready to change yet - you don't seem like the priority, and you need to be if your M is going to recover.

Does he still have contact with any of the OWs? Would you know? He can say he wants to come home until his face is blue, but if he doesn't take any action, then you need to hold your position.

Have you read about Plan A and B? Plan A is about busting up the affair by meeting his needs (so that you look appealing and he feels guilty seeing the OW) and exposing the affair to family, friends, and co-workers that will help you (not gossip, just to the people that will support you in that affairs are wrong).

If the affair survives Plan A, and you feel that you're losing your love for your H, you go on to Plan B. There are some Plan B letters floating around (I am losing my love for you, so please do not contact me until you are ready for no contact with OW, marriage councelling, and recommiting to the marriage). The WS will probably miss you at this point, but more importantly, you will remove yourself from the drama and become a stronger person. If and/or when WS is ready to become "former" and meet the Plan B conditions, you will be ready with boundries in place.

If the affair is finished and done with, it's still very important to get help. What does he need to do to come home? Set your boundries. Next time he says "I want to come home", tell him: "You can come home once we have started going to councelling and have made some progress." Or whatever your boundries are.

Have you started working on you? Have you read up on Love Busters? It's important to avoid these because they will withdraw the love that your H has for you. You can find all the info under the Basic Concepts as part of the main site.

Please keep posting.

Cat

Thank you all so much for replying to me. I am very appreciative.
In response

Ritz - I actually do believe his affair has ended and I have exposed to friends and family. I have filled my son(19)in on all that I know about his Dad's A's but have not told my girls of their father's infidelities. i think the 15 yo has some idea but with out bringing it up I wouldn't know for sure.

Believer - my personal opinion is that he is a serial cheater. I think that he will continue to see his counsellor for the time being, at the moment she is the only person that he speaks to about were he is at in all of this. Both my WH and I are aware he needs to get himself together before we can progress to MC but the waiting is killing me. As for his work he has always worked long hours and values the kudos the corporate world gives him.

Cat - I have read and read and read. I have haunted this site since Dday back in November as well as reading everything else I could find on the subject of infidelity. I also did a great deal of reading after the first dday several years ago. He still does have some infrequent contact with couple of his OW, most of them live hours away, one in another state, one of them he works with but I do believe that these As are completely over.
I did try to plan A but my self control wasn't great in this respect and after time I would end up talking about us - bad I know.
I have already told him what i expect from him prior to coming home and he knows that he is not ready yet, he actually said to me that he felt if he were to come home now it would make things worse. When he tells me he wants to come home he is referring to some time in the future.
Finally, yes I am starting to work on me. I'm intent on becoming phyically healthier - I've stopped smoking, reduced my drinking which certainly had increased since he moved out and am doing some exercise. I'm finishing off the home renos we started a while back and spending more time with friends in an effort to keep busy and am in IC myself. I'm also starting to make some plans for myself and my children that don't include him.

Basically I just miss him terribly and I don't want to feel this sadness all the time any more.

Thanks again for your replies,
G