Lizzie!! YES!!!

Way to GO!!

It's clear you have rocked their world!
Translation: You're revealing our adultery! How dare you tell the truth!

Now, lay low for a bit. Just watch. Keep up the mantra when your H accuses you of these horrible sins. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

"I want what's best for our family."

WAT
-----------------
The truth will set you free.

Talked to WH tonight. he still sounds a little pissed, but asked if we were still getting together tomorrow. I cheerfully replied "yes" and made arrangements to meet. According to brother-in-law, OW went to bar that her mother was at last night - also looking to confront me_ and eventually was forced to admit affair to her mother by several people there who knew the truth. She told her mother that her marriage was unhappy but she couldn't afford to leave. Her mother told her that she would help her leave if that was what she really wanted to do, but in no way would she help her if another man - a MARRIED man- was involved. I know I am posting this late, but any advice on tomorrow? Should I reveal that I know this? I'm not sure if he does or not. Should I ignore the topic altogether and just Plan A my butt off? Give me strength.

Yes, in my opinion.

Be thankful OW's mother has some integrity. Her position is rare. Usually, sadly, parents "support" their abducted children either overtly by helping them or tacitly by not being critical.

WAT

Went on day trip today. WH cold and remote - still pissed off about exposure i guess. Worked really hard on Plan A, but it fell apart on way home. Husband asking for some of household furnishings and I said no. He got mad and said that he still has a share in house. I told him it was all right there if he wanted to put things back together. He said he doesn't want to give up OW yet. I remained silent. A little more small talk after that. Handed him separation papers with his mail as he left. Maybe a little more Plan A so I can end on a good note, and then Plan B. I've also read some about doing the 180. Maybe that would be good, because when he calls, I go running. Man, this is hard.

Stay in a strong Plan A. You have to give exposure a little time to work.

OK, what does the separation give him? I recall you said it was your house in your name. What does he mean by "his share." Did he contribute some furniture?

IMHO, you should be legally "fair" in the separation, but no more. Consequences of his decisions need to be felt. If he gets left with no furniture, oh well.

What about finding OW's husband?

WAT

He did contribute to the household for the 5 years that we have owned this house. But, I put it $124,000 of my own money (saved before we met) towards purchasing and furnishing and improvements. Just angry, I guess. I feel like when he met me, he had nothing - not even a job for the first couple of months - and if he wants to leave, nothing is what he should take with him. He asked for a table and chair set that we do not use. I guess I will let him have it. It just galls me to know that THEY will use it to eat at. Not very mature, I know, and definitely not Plan A.
Still no luck with OW's husband, but I am persistent.

I think a big part of my problem is my own expectation. When WH said he wanted to spend some time with me over the next couple of days, I cleared my schedule and made all kinds of plans. Mistake. The more I ask him to do, the more he runs away. I have to learn to sit back a little bit, especially since he is still mad about exposure.
One good thing about yesterday, I did get to clearly state where I thought I had contributed to breakdown of marriage and my belief that we could resolve it.

You "sound" like you have your wits. Keep up the good work.

Is it possible to get any feedback from his boss?

Finding OW's H is paramount.

Since it is clear that he wants to continue on the separation path, this means that either the affair is still in full swing - exposure so far has not been effective - OR he's just pissed at you for ruining his fantasy and wants out (for the moment). This is why exposure to OW's H is so important - to put pressure on the other side.

Get ready for Plan B. As soon as the separation is signed, that's a good time to go to Plan B.

Also, please consider individual counseling with one of the MB counselors prior to Plan B.

WAT

Affair is still in full swing.

How do I arrange for individual counseling?

Click on "Counseling Center" at the top of this page.

No feedback from the boss?

WAT

None. Apparently, it is being kept quiet over there. I know that WH is concerned about co-workers finding out. Guess I should expose there as well?

The easy answer is that an affair should be exposed EVERYWHERE that the WS worries about it being exposed.

That's the whole point of exposure. But you know this.

Sounds like the boss either did the wink, wink, nod, nod lecture to keep the affair external from company business - but what you do on your own time is your own business - OR didn't even do that.

Where is this company? It could be that the company has NO IDEA what kind of trouble they can get in from a third party sexual harassment claim. This is a claim by a female peer of the OW that alleges that she gets unfair treatment because she won't sleep with the boss (your H). The peer wouldn't even have to be right.

On the other hand, maybe your H is well aware of this quicksand, hence: "I know that WH is concerned about co-workers finding out."

Do you have other contacts there for additional exposure?

Keep in mind that exposure to OW's H could make all this moot.

WAT

Saw WH this AM. Had a leak downstairs which he came to fix. Still rather cool and distant (him). He stuck around a little while and did some chores - filled bird feeder, replaced light bulbs, filled water softener. He took some more of his stuff and I gave him the table and chairs he had asked for. 12 year old son talked to him for the first time since he moved out. Asked if he would help him with his BB gun. They spent about a half hour together outside. He also spent some time with the dog. I thanked him as he left for the chores he had done. Son thanked him as well for his help. He gave me a half a hug and told me to call if I needed anything else. He aslo told me he mailed out the letters that I typed up removing me from his credit card accounts. I asked about separation papers and he said he is still going over them.
Located OW's husband's brother - not home now but will call him tonight just to make sure that OW's husband knows affair is still ongoing. Am planning to "bump into" some of H's coworkers at town bank tomorrow (payday for them) and expose to them as well.
Trying to keep my head up, but am feeling very lonesome and very discouraged. I miss my best friend.

I keep feeling like I hit a brick wall. Absolutely NO luck contacting OW's husband. We live in a small rural area. I have no idea where they live - address is a PO Box. I have restricted my phone number and called the home several times. I either get a machine or a child, but not the OW's husband. I have left messages but I think OW must intercept them. I even tried to trick the child into giving out her father's work number by saying I was calling from the bank (shame on me, I know). Number for brother is not right. He no longer lives in the area. I have called everyone in the phone book with the same last name looking for a relative, but no luck there either.

Went to town at noon today to "bump into" WH's coworkers, intead bumped into WH! He said "You look all dolled up. Going somewhere?" I said I was and changed the subject. I again asked about separation papers. He said "I don't know why you are in such a rush. I haven't made any decisions yet." I told him that the separation agreement was important to me to protect myself and that if it were my choice, he would end his affair, move back home, and work on our marriage. Since he is not willing to do that, I need to do everything to make sure that my best interests are protected. All said very sweetly. One of his coworkers joined us for a minute and I could see the terror in his eyes, wondering if I would say something. It just seemed awkward with him standing right there, so I left.
Did I blow it? I didn't want a scene between us. I have the e-mail address of one coworker. Should I just e-mail him? What do I say? Someone please help.

A child. That's good to know.

Don't leave messages.

Could be time to hire a PI. Also try yahoo's people search since you know the phone #. Try to match the phone number to a name & real address.


No, you didn't blow it.

As for e-mailing the co-worker, consider first your relationship with him/her. Does this co-worker know you well enough to know you're not a crazed lunatic? If not, he/she would believe any story your H says in response to your accusation. You will instantly "become" a crazed lunatic and the co-worker could sympathize with your H's "friendship" with OW.

Also, will this co-worker reasonably confront your H? Exposure doesn't do any good unless the WS knows about it. If this co-worker will just keep it to him/herself, effectively, no expoure has occurred.

If after all this you decide that exposure to the co-worker should proceed, simply state that you are aware that your H is having an extramarital affair with OW. Name her. State your desire to restore your marriage for the good of all concerned and ask for his/her understanding and support. That's all you need to say for starters. If you get a reply, further communication may be called for.

WAT

Thanks for the perspective. I do know the coworker on a somewhat social basis as I have accompanied my husband to several work functions over the years. As far as him confronting WH - probably not. Small town, small company, evryone pretty much minds their own business. That's the spin that I got from the employer. As long as it doesn;t affect workplace, private life is private life. I also told a female acquaintance who workd there when I first found out. She didn't know about it, but likewise, I am sure she is keeping quiet and "minding her own business".

WH very upset about separation papers. Does not want to use lawyers. "Can't afford....I'm rushing things....Trying to rake him over the coals.... Not being fair......Why can't I just move on with my life and let him move on with his?" All this and then at other times he doesn't know what he wants - the fog I know. I tried to remain in Plan A during the discussion, kept saying that I was protecting the interests of me and my children, that his leaving left me in a precarious financial position, that this is his choice, not mine. He told me I should get another job or work overtime. I told him that I did not think that was fair to me. I did get sucked into the drama once or twice, but managed to pull myself out. He ended up hanging up on me. Why does this feel like LBing? Please help... I need support. Am feeling very lost and unsure, very lonesome. WAT, you seem to be the only one following my thread, so thanks.

lizzie - I'm sure there are others reading and they'll chime in when they think they have something to add - or when they disagree with something I say! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (Won't be the first time.)


Translation: He doesn't want to face reality. In his fantasy world, everything is soooooo easy. It's ALL feel-good. Anything that subtracts from his fantasy is YOUR fault because you're dealing with reality. WSs live in a ME ME ME world.

OF COURSE he doesn't want to use lawyers! Don't fall for this.


Good. Consequences are the only things that come close to getting their attention. But the spin they put on consequences is that it's YOUR fault. This is par for the course. EXPECT for him to continue to project all his problems onto you.


He hung up probably because you were not telling him what he wanted to hear. You didn't say, "Yes dear, you deserve everything you say you deserve and your happiness is the most important thing in the world and everyone else should sacrifice anything so you can be happy. I LIVE just for you to be happy."


Not sure what you mean with this question. The most important thing you can do in Plan A when communicating with him is to stay calm and if responding would be a love buster to not respond at all. At the same time, don't avoid revealing your hurt nor avoid "consequences" like you described above. This is very hard to do. It's a thin line between setting boundaries/describing consequences and LB'ing. If you stay calm and controlled, that's most of the challenge.

Feeling lost and uncertain is VERY normal. You are NOT alone. Seek out and communicate with other BSs here - you'll soon learn that you have a LOT in common with them.

Are you on any anti-d meds? Situational depression is VERY common among BSs. I suffered from it and was on meds. They helped me a lot.

WAT

Not on any meds - not into medicine (and I'm a nurse, too!!), but am more holistic in approach. I guess I just need reassurance because this all feels so foreign to me. I have always approached things from a rational or intellectual point of view and that is just not possible here. I seem to second guess myself a lot, even though I have read SAA and am waiting for HNHN to arrive. It is also hard for me to be still. I am a doer and a fixer, but I just keep reading. I seem to spend more time here than anywhere else and I have printed out a lot of good info. I guess I am still in shock to think that this is my life. Wondering what happened to my wonderful H and best friend and how this could be us. sometimes I am so angry and think I am wasting my time, this can never be fixed, and then I read here and have hope. Hate being in limbo.

Here's a time to show strength and seek help about depression.

Consider this - if you're not your best, your Plan A won't be either.

Please re-consider your attitude towards meds. A sign of strength, not weakness. It takes 4 - 8 weeks for meds to be effective. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You have to think long term - after all, you're interested in saving your marriage so it'll last for the rest of your life.

WAT