Wow, I just wanted to say this is the first time I've read your thread and I'm impressed.

I can't believe you kept your cool when he said you could get a second job. Ummmmm, yeah, whatever!

But I shouldn't be the one to tell him that I talked to OW's husband, right?

Off to read HNHN. It came in the mail today.

Hang in there. There is usually an explosion right after the affair is exposed. OW's husband may be watching her, and has not said anything to her. Who knows? That is somewhat unusual.

Or your husband may know, and realize that you are serious and doesn't want a confrontation.

But it is fine if you tell him that you talked to the OW's husband. He will want to know all about what you said, what he said back, etc. They always do.

You mean tell your H?

If so, I agree with believer. I recommend you not volunteer you told OWM - but if he asks, tell the truth. Then repeat your mantra.

WAT
--------------
(she was) wearing the face she leaves in a jar by the door

Rec'd email from WH this AM. Running late and can't get the plow until lunchtime. Wrote "I'll even have a quick lunch with you if you'd like." Oh gosh, lucky me. Translation: "I'm sick of take-out food and I miss coming home for lunch everday".

Hardhat back on.

Plan A Liz - you DO eat lunch, right?

If this was only an EA I'd be recommending dessert, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

WAT

DRATS!! Kids got let out early because of bad weather so lunch was cancelled. He still came and got his plow and put transmission fluid in my car. I made him a very nice bag lunch - complete with his favorite homemade banana bread. When he left, he had that puppy dog look in his eyes, like he wanted to hug me, but he didn't and I didn't approach him either. Plan A seems to go better if I hang back a bit (a little 180).

WAT, you crack me up!! It wouldn't be the first time I've been dessert <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />!!

WH came over today for our talk about "working things out" referring to separation agreement. After he was here for only a few minutes, he took me in his arms and said, "You know, I came here to try to get this whole money situation straightened out, but now that I'm here, I just want to spend some time together." I said that would be fine. We talked and laughed a little bit, gave the dog a bath. He was very touchy feely. MIL says she thinks he is not having much contact with OW, but I didn't ask.

Anyway, we ended up snuggling on the couch....and one thing led to another.....and we ended up ....in SF. This was the 4th time since he left, and every other time I initiated. This time I didn't. Last time he said he felt guilty afterwards, so I wasn't going to be the one to bring it up (no pun intended!!).

SF is and always has been my WH's biggest EN, and I have no problem meeting that. It fills an EN of mine, too. The only difference is now it has to be with protection...which he hates. Oh, the consequences. What did you say about dessert, WAT?

I am going to the pool tournament with him tomorrow, so hopefully, it will be another good day.

He keeps putting out these little statements, waiting for me to jump on them, and I haven't.
Example: He will say, "I should probably go play a couple of games of pool tonight. I could use some practice".

My response before would have been: "I'll go with you. Where do you want to go? Do you want me to make dinner before we go? Do you want to spend the night? When are you moving back home?".

My response now: "I know what you mean. I get rusty when I haven't played for a while".

Seems to be working.

Wow - you're becoming a pro at this!

Others! Pay attention!

I will not advise you to do any thing different if you think you're making progress. All I know is what you write and we cannot make fine tuning adjustments on such precious little info.

Follow your gut. Use what you've learned. No LBs. Fill ENs. Playing a little aloof may whet his appetite. You have to feel your way.

Continue to stay away from any talk of OW and separation issues unless he raises the subjects.

Good, good, good.

WAT
-----------------
Never silence criticism from a fool.

Went with WH to his pool tournament today. Had lots of fun - good conversation on the drive, some hugs, a kiss, and for the first time in a while he called me "Baby". In all of the time we were together, he never called me by my name - it was always "Baby". One of the things I miss the most.
He has to go back tomorrow, because he won both his matches today, and asked me if I would go back with him. I said yes.
He brought up the subject of dinner on the way home, and I told him that he was welcome to come over for dinner. I made his favorites and we hung out for a while. Boys are gone for the weekend, so it was just the two of us.
Now Caren will understand this. With things going so well, I started to weave together this little scenario in my head. I was hoping that he would ask to stay the night and we would make breakfast together before leaving for the tournament in the morning. But, I DID NOT ask. It took all of my self-control to just let him set the pace and not try to fix everything in the span of 5 minutes. I am SO instant gratification!
So, when he said that he should probably get going, I cheerfully told him what a good time I had today and sent him off with a Tupperware container of fried chicken and mashed potatoes. Got another hug and a kiss, and he thanked me for going with him. Said he had a really good day today.
Still no fallout from exposure to OW's husband. Maybe he's in denial?

Lizzie -

PTC

Patience, time, consistency.



Possibly - could be that exposure worked, hence you H's change in attitude?

I recommend PTC and keep doing what you're doing. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

If things keep going as they have been - he's loitering on your side of the fence (I believe) - don't take a risk at upsetting progress by contacting OWM again. You exposed to him. You can't make him believe. Contacting him again while progress is evident cannot possibly help you. But if there's ANY suggestion that H's contact with OW continues, then your additional contact with OWM would seem needed.

This is not rocket surgery. Think about it: You exposed. H is being more attentive to you. Suspicions reported of lesser interest in OW.

We can speculate on what's going on between OW and OWM, but we cannot know. She could be lying to him that "we're just friends" and he buys it. Your H and OW may be conspiring to "let things settle down" for awhile, with intentions to resume. Maybe these are pessimistic worries. Maybe exposure worked exactly as designed.

Patience, time, consistency.

PTC

WAT
-----------------
Dern generics - these cheaper Dove bars taste JUST LIKE SOAP!

Thanks WAT. That is exactly what I needed to hear. Went with WH to day 2 of the pool tournament. Had another good Plan A day.

Is Plan A supposed to be so hard? I keep seeing glimpses of my H. This weekend I saw my H more than I saw WH, and it is so hard for me to not want to jump back in to what we had. But what we had is no longer there and what we had allowed him to start the A. My head knows that but my heart sees my H peeking through and I just want us to be OK. It is hard for me to be still (the instant gratification thing again).

He said it "was a really good weekend" and held me for quite a while before he left and told me to call him. But I think I will probably wait for him to call me. It seems to work out better if I hold back a little - but I don't want to seem too aloof. It's a fine line.

Not sure about what is going on with OW. WH was a little late this AM picking me up. Not like him. Seemed a little out of sorts - so maybe had some contact with OW - maybe a phone call or something.

So, I guess I will Plan A for a little bit longer since things seem to be going better now than they had before. I owe it all to the support I have here. I have found so many tools to help me.

Thanks.
Thanks again WAT for reminding me that this is a marathon.

It can be excrutiating. Trying to be a model citizen in the face of complete disrespect.

Many understandably cannot do Plan A.

It requires getting beyond the initial emotional impact and relying on reason.

The OMW in my case is an example. As far as I know, to this day, she has never gotten past the initial shock. This was despite my efforts to get her calmed down. I even navigated her to MB on her own computer and bought her a copy of SAA. No success.

WAT
------------------
Never silence criticism from a fool.

Had to take my car in the shop today because it was having trouble. Ends up that it is the transfer case so I had to authorize some work. WH knew I was going and said to call him if they found anything really wrong. Called him from shop (he wasn't at work again today - has called in quite a bit lately), so I got him on his cell phone. Until they know if what is wrong is covered by warranty, they don't know if I am covered for a rental car, so WH came to pick me up. Said his stomach was bothering him earlier, but he's fine now.

Made small talk on the way home. Found out that we are both playing pool at his home location tomorrow night (I am subbing for my SIL who just had surgery). WH very unhappy about this. States that he is worried about what people will say. Apparently, has not told anyone there what is going on in his life. I just babbled back, said I had made a committment to the team and had to honor it; said that this is a small town and more people knew than he realized. Also made a comment about how much people like to talk especially when something this shocking happens to two people that everyone thought had the perfect marriage and that the reality of the situation is that he did leave me for another woman. He made no reply and we resumed small talk again.

So, it looks like this might be another opportunity for some exposure.

Assuming that his apprehension for "what people will say" is genuine, here's your opportunity to hold your head high and demonstrate your devotion to your marriage. Walk in like you own the place AND like you're a married woman - married to HIM.

You are a better woman than OW. You are NOT embarassed about his affair and you are in this marriage for the long haul. Broadcast your confidence and pride by the way you carry yourself. By doing this you'll be sending the strongest message to your husband. What people say may worry him. You have the power to silence them and ease his apprehension.

Make sense?

WAT
---------------
Question to "Depends" customer representative: "Do you have a similar product, but one that is maybe more like For Sure?"

SO no exposure, then? He's worried because the people there don't know for the most part. Your course of action seems to make more sense, but how would I handle any questions from other people if they arise?

OK, I thought these folks already know.

This is even better.

As long as things seem to be progressing, I suggest you hold off on exposure you initiate. But if mutual friends ask you questions, do not deny what's going on. Use the opportunity to your advantage to stand by your man. You are standing tall, remember? You are a classy woman to be admired.

"Yes, we have our problems, but I am not about to slink away because of [insert description of your choice of OW]."

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

But be careful NOT to distract from your classiness.

Please do not act on my suggestions alone. I just have this vision in my mind of you walking into the place and making a statement to everyone, but especially to him.

WAT

WAT, as usual your advice is very good. I am not one to blindly follow advice; I always carefully review my options. That being said, your advice is usually so in sync with who I am and how I conduct myself. That IS me. I AM a classy woman, and standing by him, especially when he feels like he deserves to be ripped apart, would definitely make a deposit to the love bank while filling his admiration EN.
I saw him again this afternoon. I had to get a rental car and even though they said they could send someone to pick me up, I told them I had a ride. I called WH and asked him for a ride (told him they had limited staff today and were unable to pick me up). I just wanted more Plan A time since things are going well. And besides, he offered earlier. We had good conversation again on the way there. WH looks lost - called in to work, hasn't showered today, hasn't shaved for 2 weeks - all very unusual. But I can usually make him laugh or smile.
During the conversation I asked about a mutual friend (coworker who has been emailing me). This man has been interested in a local girl who recently split with her H. I asked my WH how things were going even though I already knew. He replied:
"I think ***** is moving in too fast. I mean, she just split up with her H and she has little kids. It's not a good situation to go into until she gets all the other mess straightened out." As soon as he said it, I'm sure he realized how ridiculous it sounded coming from the mouth of a man involved in an A with a married woman with 4 kids <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />. I just babbled back "Yes, that's messy" and then he changed the subject. Inside I was LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

Rec'd this email from WH a few minutes ago:

"I wish you had told me about the letter to RJ."

I replied:

"It was up to him what he did with the information. He has a right to know and he deserves the chance to try to save his marriage and family. I told him that I was hoping for that for us. Toni told him that it never meant anything and that it ended back in December when she him about it. He has a right to the truth."

As soon as I pushed "SEND" I wondered if I shoould have left out the remark about her saying it meant nothing???

All quiet this AM. No reply to my email. Wish I knew what was going on!!

I know...PTC. Hardhat is firmly in place. I think I'm going shopping - need a new outfit to wear tonight. Infidelity diet has wreaked havoc with my wardrobe but has done wonders for my hips <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!!!