Hang in there, Lizzie, you are doing great and WAT is giving you excellent advice. You did the right thing telling him the OW told her H it meaning nothing. That will plant some seeds of doubt and that's what you want to do.

Hi Lizzie - you’ve been bizzie. I’ll try to catch up with this one response.


Very, very, very typical for WS in their stupor not to see their hypocrisy. Their "oops response" is stifled. This is a terrific example of the concept that WSs have “painted over all the mirrors in their lives.” They genuinely cannot see themselves. I guess it’s a weird level of denial. Fascinating, huh? Infidelity is SOOOO much like a pathological disease resulting from a common cause.

Letter to “RJ” - I assume this is OWM. Of course he wishes you would have told him. You did exactly the right thing not telling him - so he wouldn’t have a chance to have it intercepted, etc. As the “progress” continues he will be sending a letter to OWM - in the form of a copy of his NC letter to OW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


ditto Mel - NOOOOOOOOOOOO! A good thing to say. Of course WE know that’s the typical thing for OW to say to her husband. Your H, in his stupor, may think she’s genuinely downplaying his importance to her. A potential turmoil maker. In affairs, all turmoil is good.


Optimistically, his disheveled state is an indicator of his inner turmoil. A bad thing for him to experience, a good thing for the course of the affair - and ultimately a good thing for him. Some WSs have to hit rock bottom - no different than any other addict - in order to start climbing out. Do not deny him this cleansing. Your rescue will come soon enough.

WAT
-------------------
Frantic call to Pez consumer information line: "Please help! Something appears to be lodged in his throat!"

WAT

ROTFLMAO on the Pez joke!!!!

Wh was mistaken and we were not playing pool at the same location tonight.
Had a couple of beers and feeling very weepy. This is so hard. I have built up these walls around my heart and have become task oriented. I focus on what I can do and try to stuff how I feel. I have not even allowed myself to think of WH and OW together. It's like my own kind of denial.
Wallowing in self-pity tonight. How could he do this to us? How could he throw what we had away? Even though I believe that there is NO excuse for infidelity, somehow, it seems a little more palatable with couples who have had problems. How do you console yourself when what you had was nearly perfect? I know I keep going back to this, but I have had to really dig deep to find what EN's I might not have been filling 100%. Even WH says that what we had was "perfect" and that the problem was his. He "couldn't help himself".
Oh well, tomorrow is another day and hopefully I'll feel better. Just needed to vent and to have a good cry.

lizzie,

You have been bizzie, and time for you to rest.

You know you are WORTHY, and doing all you can to save your marriage.

I suggest a BubbleBath, with some candles, and some feelgood things to do. You deserve it. You have done a lot of hard work. Take a small break from all of this.

WAT, you are awesome, and wonderful for giving a lot of great advice. Thank you.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Call it divine intervention or proof that my mantra "everything happens for a reason" is true.

Was headed out to my regular night of pool tonight. Had to submit an online homework assignment, but my computer kept acting up. Finally got it to work but was already 40 minutes late. Got into my rental car and realized I needed gas. Seemed like nothing was going my way.
For whatever reason, I went to a gas station that I don't normally go to. As I was inside, in walks OW's husband <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />!

Converastion as follows.

Me: "I see you gave OW the letter."
OWH: "Yeah, I held onto it until Thursday, trying to catch her in some lies. She admitted to some of the things in your letter, and others she denied."
Me: "I know you gave her the letter because my H emailed me on Monday night about it."

OWH: "Monday night?"

Me: "Yes. About 8:45 PM. I was with him for most of the weekend and again on Monday. He dropped me off to pick up a rental car and I last saw him about 5:30PM. They must have talked or seen each other between then and the time I got the email. Were you working Monday night?"

OWH: "Yeah, I was. But I don't think she saw him".

Me: "Well, don't be so sure."

OWH: "Well, anyways, she's not working there anymore. She was home yesterday and today. I drove her there long enough to drop off her resignation letter and that's it."

So it looks like OW may have made the decision to stay in her marriage. I told OWH that I had a book for him (SAA) and to please call me when I could drop it off. He seems VERY uncomfortable talking to me - like he just wants to sweep this under the rug. I told him that I know that this is difficult but that I really need his help, that together we can make sure that the A ends. Already, just by being in contact, there have been big changes. He said he will call me, but I am not so sure.

No word from WH.

Coincidentally, I was picking up a birthday card for my sister earlier today and I saw a hilarious, lighthearted "miss you" card, so I bought it and mailed it to WH. Maybe it will get to him just when he needs it most.

Also, got an email from WH's coworker who also updated me on the situation. I asked him if anyone had confronted WH on his A yet.

So, I am waiting to see what happens next.

This is great news! It may not be the end, but it IS the beginning of the end for sure. I am also disturbed that the OWH didn't feel comfortable talking to you. Like you have discerned, you have a much better chance of busting up this affair with his help.

Affairees are very creative in demonizing the WS' spouse and often manipulate their BS into stopping all contact. Sadly, they are SUCCESSFUL sometimes. I know you won't fall for that, but that might be what is going on here.

It will be interesting to watch what happens with your H next. Most likely he will go into withdrawal and it may not be pretty. We will see.

You are doing a great job, Lizzie, and are just starting to reap the rewards for your bravery in action. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good work, Liz.

I think it's too early maybe for him to see SAA. Not until he gets some humility.

WAT

Until who gets some humility? I wanted to give ow's husband a copy of SAA so we can both be on the same page and working together to destroy the A.

Did you think I meant my WH?

Yes, sorry. My bad. Where WAS my head?

WAT

Still no contact from WH. I thought surely I would feel the brunt of his anger by now.

Got another email from WH's coworker last night. Says everyone over there is pretty tight lipped about it. Everyone knows why she left but nobody is confronting WH. I replied that it's too bad stuff like that is kept quiet, company needs to send a message that it won't be tolerated because it negatively impacts job performance and production. Besides, WH needs to be held accountable for his actions by his coworkers. OW's sudden resignation left the other person in shipping completely on her own. Another woman just resigned 2 weeks ago, so they were already short.

We never did discuss the separation papers. I want to wait for him to contact me, and I'm sure he will sooner or later, but when do I bring up the issue of the papers?

I guess it's safe to say she left because of your exposure to her H. This is almost always more effective than workplace exposure. What you describe is pretty typical of the workplace response, i.e., very little.

I'd sit on the separation papers discussion. Until he brings it up, consider it moot. If he brings it up, go into your best Plan A mode. You know what to do.

I think your next target is breaching the "work on the marriage" topic. When you think he'll be receptive, pull out the EN questionaire and see if he'll contribute some. Piece by piece, remember?

WAT

OK, it's been 4 days since my WH found out that I contacted OW's husband. No contact from WH.

Should I wait for him to contact me? Should I reach out, and if so, how? I imagine he is either very angry or very hurt? I guess he needs to go through that for a while, but I am wondering if there is something I could be doing or should I just be still for now?

Just finished reading "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn - an eyeopening read. It gave me a whole new perspective on the inner workings of men.

Am now working on "Private Lies".

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Should I be concerned? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, in Plan A you reach out to him as you normally would. Consider initiating contact with an innocent, "Hey there, are you OK? Haven't heard from you and was just concerned. Anything I can do for you? Wanna come over for crab cakes and a beer? Need your pool cue polished?" OK, maybe not the last part.

Light, everyday, not relationship related contact.

WAT

Thanks. Just emailed him. Asked how he was, told him his mail was here, and updated him on the status of vehicle repairs. Now, I'll wait again (very hard for my Type A personality LOL! I'm a doer and an overachiever).

No WAT, you should not be worried about the book. Mostly it talked about love and respect and the seeminly innocent things that women do that actually put a dent in a man's sense of being loved/respected by their wives. I was definitely guilty of a few of those, even though that was not my intent. That's why it was a real eyeopener. Read it because it was recommended by someone on this board. Can't remember who or I'd thank them.

Day 7 since he found out about exposure to OW's husband.

I am feeling really crappy. He has not responded to my e-mail. I am starting to wonder why I am doing this to myself. Part of me wants to save my marriage, but the other part says how will I ever learn to trust again? I don't even believe that you can really love someone and then cheat on them and drag them through this pain.
It's not something I would EVER do, and I thought the same about him. Wish this didn't hurt so f'ing much.

Lizzie - your feelings sound normal. But many, many marriages recover and thrive after the crisis. Former WSs here have stated that in hindsight they cannot believe what they were saying in the midst of their stupor.

Try to think of your H as the abducted alien with scrambled brains. An imposter. An evil twin. The REAL guy is very likely to re-emerge.

WAT

Day 9 without any contact from WH. I am trying to be still, but all of this inactivity and quiet has got my feelings in turmoil. His mother talked to him yesterday - said he seemed fine. He made no mention of OW resigning her job.

Torn between reaching out again in the form of a friendly email - being the lighthouse and staying in Plan A - OR waiting it out as things are sometimes better if I am more aloof OR also thinking about Plan B, although it looks like that is what he is doing to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />.

Ideas? Suggestions? Support?

I'm not sure what to suggest.

Is there anything broken at home that you need his help with? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Anything ALMOST broken?

Any little thing that needs tending to? Left over dessert? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

WAT

I'm assuming that from his lack of reply that he is extremely angry. So even if anything were broken, he probably wouldn't be willing to help. Hasn't even asked about his mail although I told him in Saturday's email taht it was here. I guess I'll just give it a few more days and email again this Sat. if I still haven't heard from him.