"Elizabeth,



You keep saying you think I say more when writing, so I thought I would write to you once again. This is not the letter that I told you I had been working on; it is a new one. I have referred back to that one and the one before it several times in the last few days trying to find any answers at all to how I’m feeling. I’ve even made some notes while I was at work about what I might want to say.



Previously I spoke of the emotional roller coaster I had been on. When I wrote that very first letter, the one I handed you, I was sure I had gotten off that ride. I was wrong. The peaks and valleys of the ride have become so severe I feel nauseous. The peaks were the good part. They were when we first started seeing each other again. We had dinner together, watched movies, spent the night together. We went to the playoffs and you and your team won. For the first time in months I felt that happiness I told you I was missing. It felt really good. It was our own little bubble. But then the reality of the situation started to hit me and I sunk into lows I had never seen before. I have done so much to destroy our marriage, and our family, that I honestly don’t see it ever healing. It’s my fault and I can’t undo what I have done. You should hate me more than the boys do. The fact that you don’t shows how wonderful a person you really are. You deserve so much more than I can give you, and you definitely deserve better than me. I do not deserve your love. My realization of these facts has taken those other emotions I had talked about (anger, fear, loneliness, shame, remorse, embarrassment) and multiplied them to enormous levels. I guess you could say I’ve entered into all-out misery.



I realize that over the past couple of years I have let some small issues snowball into gigantic problems because I never talked to you about them. Because of those problems I was often unhappy and sometimes angry, even though I did not show it. I didn’t show it because I didn’t want to create even more problems. As you can see I was caught in quite a circle. And then when the opportunity for the affair came along, I guess I was ready for it and wanted it. After it started I didn’t want it to end. It didn’t matter how wrong it was or how much I knew it would hurt you. All that mattered was it made me happy. I am truly sorry for what I have done to you and the boys. It was a completely selfish act and it never should have happened. I betrayed my wife. Worse than that I betrayed my best friend. I punched her in the stomach and kicked her while she was down. I am disgusted with myself for allowing that to happen. But, like I said earlier, I cannot undo what I have done. It is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. You, on the other hand, should be able to take comfort in knowing that you did absolutely nothing wrong. You loved me completely and you did everything you could to make me happy. I know you would have fixed the problems too, had you known about them. Again, my fault. I am so sorry Elizabeth.



I want you to know that even though I lied to you almost every day since August, I never lied when I told you I love you. I still do. You probably don’t believe that, but it is the truth. But even though I love you it hasn’t stopped me from putting up my own walls. They’re not around my heart, but around me. I feel I have caused so much pain and heartache that I shouldn’t be near anyone I love, especially you. I don’t know how to bring those walls down, and it seems that the more you try to knock them down the stronger I build them. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel comfortable enough with myself to open up and let you back in. Hopefully I will, but it just seems so far out of reach right now.



Well, after saying all this, I guess I am still on that fence. Part of me says we should put an end to all of this and then you would be able to get on with your life - a life with a lot more happiness than what I am able to give you. The other part of me knows I still love you and that letting you go would be crazy. Who knows, maybe you’ve already reached a decision. I wouldn’t blame you if you hate me right now. Lord knows I deserve it. I do hope that no matter what happens we can somehow become friends again. I also know that no matter what happens I would like to help you finish things around the house. Everything I’ve done in that house I’ve done for you, and I’d like to be able to finish it for you. That would mean a lot to me. I guess I’m done writing for now, maybe more to follow later.



Scott"

My reply:

"Got your letter. I am on my way to work right now, but I didn't want to leave you hanging, wondering what is going on. That is an awful feeling.

3 quick things:

1. Yes, you have caused us all pain and heartache. But, there is a wonderful thing called forgiveness. The boys and I are working on that in counseling. I am hoping that I can teach them about mistakes and love and forgiveness.
2. I will get on with my life no matter what. Ending this will not make it go away. It will forever be a part of who I am. I am trying to turn it into something positive. It will always be a part of who you are. Will you run from it only to let it catch up to you again? Your decision.
3. We can never be just friends. I would not choose someone who lied to me, cheated on me, and betrayed me as a "friend". However, as I said in my letter, we have always been best friends, lovers, and husband and wife all rolled into one. That cannot be seperated. It is a package deal."

What do you think?

I think it is time for Plan B. Your husband's letter sounds so much like the ones I got from my WH.

He gave me the same I love you, you deserve better, blah, blah, blah line.

Believer,

I think you might be right. I suspect contact and think he is probably just cake eating again. He did not show up for pool last night. Told his brother he was goping to see about trading in his truck. What a coincidence that last night was one of the regular nights for OWH to work.

Hi Liz - is he agreeable to counseling?

I'd try that before Plan B again - especially since it sounds like you located a reliable counselor.

If he refuses counseling, I guess Plan B is all you got - other than Plan D. Perhaps put in a Plan B letter the name and number of the counselor if he changes his mind.

WAT

Hey WAT,

I've missed ya. No he is not agreeable to counseling and never has been.

Had torrential rains here last night and continuing today. Roof flashing blew off the side of the house and for the first time, water is coming in through the basement ceiling. I tried to deal with it all by myself but without success. I called H at work (maybe WH again, guess it's really a moot point), who came over to see what he could do. Minimal conversation, I helped him outside with the flashing, and when we were done, I thanked him, handed him his mail and went upstairs. I did not ask about OW or contact or anything to do with our M.

I feel myself pulling farther and farther away. I am fed up and am almost ready to get off this ride.
I am wondering if I even need to do a Plan B letter as, like before, he makes no attempt to contact me anyway.

His mom is upset with me now as well. Thinks I should just be so happy that H wanted to work things out and I should know enough to let him do it his way. She doesn't understand why I am trying to drive him away. Mother of God, give me strength.

I smell an OW in the woodpile, lizzie. This is not uncommon for a WS to vacillate like this. This is what we warned you about when we spoke of false recoveries. I don't think he is done with his affair at all and is either back in contact or is actively pursuing her.

I think you have GREAT LEVERAGE in your hands right now if you will just use it.


He tells you here how good it felt to be back with you. This will be what he remembers if you go dark again. The thing that continues to interfere is the FANTASY of his addiction to the OW. He can't get to withdrawal until she goes. And until she goes, I don't believe he will commit to your marriage.

I wonder if you can stake out his apartment and see if she is coming there? That would give you some ammunition for the OWH if he will return your calls.

Another thing that concerns me here is how you are holding up. You have said that you are an overachiever and I wonder which is your top need?

I'ts always hard to read, and know that others are hurting.

If somehow you knew it would work if you put enough effort into it, you would go after it with all your heart.

The problem is that you don't know, and you don't know what the best course of action is. Not knowing what to do is so difficult for a "doer".

Keep remembering it takes time. As has been said, you need to know what is going on. So, take the time to find out. That is doing something. It will be a while before you have enough facts to know if he is serious about rebuilding. Spend your days learning, and thinking about what you find out. Don't think nothing is happening, or that there is no progress. We don't know if the marriage can be saved, but you personally are going to be OK. I think it is safe to say that, even if you feel terrible about things much of the time.

Getting through this will be rough - you know that. Remember you are in the middle of getting through it, not at the beginning.

I'd say "don't worry, be happy," but you might slap me for saying it. Do keep it in mind though - some of it will start to leak through. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SS

Hello Mel and SS.

My top EN's have always been affection and honesty. Since all of this, honesty is waaaaay out in front. I need to gather up steam to start staking out his apartment, but I am feeling like my heart isn't in this anymore. All day I have been talking myself out of this; even made a pro and con list. I wonder if all the cons balance out the pros?

I have been composing a Plan B letter in my head all day. This one will require much editing when I am done because mostly I want to tell him what a coward he is for running away - he's so miserable he can't be around people he loves, I would be happier without him, blah, blah, blah, bu11sh1t. I want to tell him to man up, grow a set of balls, take responsibility and make amends. The respect I used to have for him is just about non-existent. And if he is is contact with OW - after he looked me square in the eye and promised me it was over NO MATTER WHAT - that just might be a deal breaker for me.

The other thing is that I HATE that the boys see this all first hand. They have made little steps towards him and now he pulls away again. [censored].

OK - end of vent. Thanks for listening. Thanks for caring. Thanks for your support.

Remember - this is your choice. If you want to finish it, you can. I admire you for sticking to it when it's so difficult. I think you need to know you did all you could....... BUT....... don't think you can't change as your get more information.

It is good to take time to make these important decisions. If you do decide he has had too many chances, and that you are finished - make the decision, and wait a few weeks before acting on it. If you still feel the same over time, you won't doubt your self.

Still praying for you, I hope you don't mind.

SS

PS,
You can do this - you do know it, don't you?

hi, I have been reading your post and feel your hurt! You have been so great about this whole thing! Keep up the good work. My H and I have been M for 8yrs, together w/ 2 boys, 3 and 7. For the past 11 months, he was seeing OW, 17 yrs older than him. It's been three weeks since D-day and reading your posts have helped me! I'm wishing you the world right now, you deserve it for the way you are trying to stay strong, we all do!

Here's an update.

Yesterday was my pool tournament. A couple of weeks ago, WH and I had planned to go together once we started back in our false recovery. Since things fell apart, he hasn't mentioned it and neither have I. Tournament is a 2 hour drive from us.

So, I went with BIL and SIL. Coincidentally, the man I went on the date with was also at the tournament. I have seen him weekly at pool, but it has been awkward and we have been avoiding each other (for those that don't remember I went on a date during Plan B and after many 2x4's cut it off and apologized to this man and said I had acted in haste). Anyways, we spoke yesterday. He just wanted to tell me that he understood and didn't want things to continue to be awkward - had no hard feelings and thought that if a marriage has any chance for recovery, it should be taken. So, clearing the air was good.

WH was there all day - very uncomfortable. He barely spoke to me and never even introduced me to any of his team mates. The captian of WH's team asked my BIL who I was. He was very surprised; said that WH never even mentioned that I was there. Just like WH to try to avoid everything and pretend the situation doesn't exist. His team mates only know we are seperated; don't know any of the gory details.

I don't know how he should have introduced me anyways. "This is my wife, but almost a year ago, I decided I liked somebody else's wife better, so I went after her, but she dumped me, so now I'm thinking that maybe I should try to get my wife back, but I don't want to talk about any of this". Yeah, I see why he avoided it.

WH kept asking his brother and sister-in-law if me and this guy were dating again. Even though they told him that wasn't the case, WH went back to one of the women on his team and said "Well, it looks like "B" is dating my wife" trying to look like a poor b*stard who was being duped by his wife. WAAAAH. Lucky for me, that woman is "B's" cousin and asked him what was going on. So "B" filled her in on the situation, told her about my WH's affair and that we had only dated once and realized that it was a mistake and that was that. I'm telling you that my blood pressure jumped to dangerous levels when I heard that. It took every bit of my self-control to not go up to WH and punch him in the face. I am too old for all this drama.

Hi Liz - one thing is for sure. Your drama doesn't come close to the drama he's feeling.

You are in a MUCH better place. Do not doubt this for an instant.

WAT

Lizzie:

Not to make light of your pain, but reading your post above and referencing punching your cheating husband in the face just cracked me up. I don't know why, but I really felt the emotion in that one, and just imagined some woman punching out a wayward husband in a pool hall and the wayward falling flat on his a$$ in front of everyone.


LM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Actually Lemonman, I'm giggling about that too, now that I have pictured the visual <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. I am small - only 5'3" and very slim now thanks to the infidelity diet. WH is a big strapping guy - 6'1'' and 210 pounds. On top of that, I am a pretty classy broad. If I hauled off and hit someone, you'd know there's gotta be a reason <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />.

Thanks for lightening the situation. I always enjoy reading your posts to others. Thanks for posting on my thread.

WAT, you are so right about HIS drama. Kinda makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Still Seeking,

Thanks for the prayers. I certainly don't mind.

HAHAHHAAHAHA! That would have funny, in a pool hall! I would have loved to see that! WH and the poor me syndrome! Well, he did to himself! It's going to get around, and he'll have to step up to the plate! No one going to feel sorry for him, that was his choice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for sharing a laugh NC. I owe my composure yesterday to my good buddy WAT. He was the one who gave me great advice on how to conduct myself in these unavoidable social situations, to just be the classy broad I is <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. So I was seething on the inside and a paragon of wifely composure, smiling, friendly, and confident on the outside. Happy Mother's Day to me!! My sons made me brunch this AM - pancakes...YUM.

I'm glad you had a good day! H and I talked, and yelled last night! He said he wasn't good at showing his emotions. I didn't get anything from him, he said he was mad that our OS messed up breakfast. OS, 7, made my breakfast in bed, dry toast, cereal, and a banana! LOL @ 7am! I tell him because of his lack of communication with OS, I got hurt. Then, we talked about A, @11:30 he went to bed w/ me crying. I slept in the spare room after writing him a note. What a day? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I have this vision of Liz standing near a pool table, pondering her next shot, looking confident in more ways than one. Nearby, her WH is watching, apprehensive about what she can do with that pool cue - in more ways than one.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
WAT

but this is what came out instead. It's more of a vent, I guess. I am very disillusioned and have been leaning towards Plan D. I know that I don't need to DO anything, so I will just sit on this for a while and see how I feel. We are still in a mutual Plan B of sorts. Just want feedback on my letter. This was straight from the hip.

"May 16, 2005.

WH,

This is a letter in progress. If you are reading this now it will be because I have come to terms with my feelings and the situation that we find ourselves in. My intention right now is to just write what is in my heart. I might fine tune it later; I might leave it as is. I will read over this every few days and see if I still feel the same. I will know when the time is right to send it and on that day, you will be reading this.

Today, I feel like I have finally reached a decision about what is next. There is no more us. The moon and stars have fallen out of the sky and only darkness remains. This whole thing completely blindsided me and I have been in an emotional whirlwind since August, trying to figure things out. I think the biggest struggle for me has been trying to reconcile the man I married with the man who cheated on me. Sadly, I have come to realize that the man I married no longer exists. Somewhere along the way he disappeared. The man I married would have never cheated on me. That man was honest and loyal. He loved me like crazy and would never have hurt me. That man couldn’t stand to see me upset or hurt. He would take me in his arms and comfort me, he would tease me and make me laugh if I was sad, he respected me, he cherished me; I was everything to him.

Or so I thought. Along comes a skanky ******, putting it out there for anyone who wants it at your comapny and no one will touch it with a 10 foot pole. Not the single guys, not the guys who are in unhappy relationships. WH, the man with everything, takes her up on the offer. It doesn’t matter that he’s married, it doesn’t matter that she’s married, because it’s just soooooooo special between the two of them. All of a sudden, WH is unhappy and has been for a long time. How easy it is to rewrite history. And poor OW, with a husband who emotionally abuses her. The fact of the matter is that OW is a professional cheater; OWH is the poor b*stard who loves her and works 2 jobs to support her and their 4 children, and forgives her every single time she cheats on him. She would be crazy to give that up and she didn’t. And you are still stupid enough to think that you were special to her. Wonder who’s doing your thinking? Bottom line is IF you both were SO unhappy you should have made the appropriate moves to end your marriages before you started f'ing. That would have been real, not the pathetic little fantasy world you both created. She’s been playing a game and you’re the only one who lost. She still has her family, her husband, her life, and another notch in her belt. She will now move on to the next guy. You threw away an eight year relationship, a wonderful wife, 2 sons that worshipped you, a happy home, and a GREAT life all for a piece of a$$ that many others have had and will continue to have. Real special.

Strangely, I have no real animosity for OW. SIL wants to go over there and beat the crap out of her but I wouldn’t waste my time. I have no respect for her as a woman or as a person. I feel for her husband and for her children. I think that any person who intrudes on another person’s marriage, no matter what circumstances they think might justify it, is lower than low. But the bottom line is that OW didn’t owe me anything; she had no responsibility to me. You did. You made the promises, you took the vows. I hold you responsible. As far as OW goes, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I am by far the better person in every way. What does hurt is the fact that you felt that you loved her, that you shared that intimacy with her. What we built over 8 years was thrown away over a few conversations and a handful of f'cks – none of it real. You tricked yourself into believing it was real and were ready to move in with her and THEIR four children and even have her carry a child for you. That’s what hurts the most. For years, I have said that my biggest regret was that we would never be able to share that experience together even though I was willing to try anything, and you took that pain and used it against me.

At first, my incredible inner strength and my belief that God was making this happen for a reason kept me just breathing in and out every day. In some ways, maybe the shock was a little easier because of the months of lies from August to December. I kept thinking that more was going on, but I had such faith in you. I have been up and down, sideways, diagonal, and inside out trying to make sense of this, and I am finally ready to accept that I will never understand this. I can only work to put it behind me. In June, 2005 she started at your company. In July, things were still great between us. You went out with your cousin and all you talked about to him was how happy you were and what a great thing we had. On August 10, you went to the racetrack. That was my first red flag. When you mentioned she was going, I remembered all the little comments you had made about her recently – how cute she was, where she lived, how someone at work liked her and siad they would be interested if she wasn't married, etc – and I mentioned that to you. You reassured me that she knew that you were “very happily married”. I still remember those words because I felt so reassured by them. I believed we were bulletproof. That day, when you didn’t call and you were late getting back, I knew something more was going on. I could feel the distance right up until you told me that you wanted a child, yet I knew somehow that she was involved. Again, things make no sense to me. You told me that on that day you told her that things couldn’t go any further because you were happily married, yet you kept things a secret from me and kept flirting with her. It didn’t take long for you to decide to pursue an affair. You still haven’t given me all the details, but I guess it doesn’t really matter now. You had a million chances to stop yourself and you didn’t. Likewise, you have had many chances since you told me but you haven’t.

I think that if you had immediately shown remorse and a willingness to make things right, we would have had a real good chance. But you just kept holding on and hoping that she would leave RJ because what she offered to you was so much better than what you had. You asked for a few days, a week, another week, and eventually that turned into months. I have been reading and counseling, trying to learn and grow and trying to hold on to us. I have been single handedly fighting this battle. I didn’t want to give up.

I am giving up now. Not once have you been sincere in your efforts. You are still hiding things from me. I believe in my gut that you are still seeing her. I told you that she is the kind of woman who will try to “get you back” when she thinks you are trying to make things work with your wife. It’s her little adrenaline rush. I thought that you were the kind of man who would step up to the plate. Everyone I have talked to has agreed with me. Your wishy washy behavior is not that of a man who is truly sorry and wants to make things right. You are still playing games with my love and my heart. For all I know, you may have been using me because you also know that OW will try to get to you one more time if she knows I am involved. That’s the whole issue in a nutshell, actually. I don’t know who you are anymore. I can’t predict your actions, I don’t know your motives, and I no longer know your heart. What I do know is that you have been stringing me along, using me thoughtlessly and cruelly, and hurting me time and time again.

If you had been sincere, you would have manned up, grown a set of balls, stepped up to the plate, and accepted responsibility for what you had done. You would have thrown yourself at my feet and been willing to do whatever was necessary to make this work. And you wouldn’t have had to do it alone – I offered you my complete support. I said I’d fight WITH you. You have no interest in any of that. You have no interest in what I feel or what I need. This is now, as it has always been, all about you. I was never even a consideration.

I’m throwing in the towel. This recent round of events, knowing that I am second best, knowing that you were only back because she ended it and you needed someplace to go, your unwillingness to make a real effort, has only hurt me more and damaged the feelings that I did still have for you.

I have been having a hard time letting go of the man I loved so much. I kept thinking he’d be back. I guess it’s been so hard, because you were like my knight in shining armor. I always believed that you were out there for me and I knew that one day I would meet you and then, poof, we would live happily ever after. I didn’t know all the sh*t I would have to go through to get to you. After I found you, all that sh*t only made me appreciate you even more. That’s been my little fantasy, so believe me, I can relate to how hard it is to let go of a fantasy. I still want to believe what we had was real because it felt so good and so right. I thought it was magic. But at the end of the day, it was just a dream. A long one, but still a dream. All that’s left of it now is the memory.

After some time, I will be okay. I will be able to put things in perspective and move on. Your letter tells me that I can take comfort in knowing that I did nothing wrong. There is NOTHING about this that will ever comfort me, but I will eventually make peace with it. You however, will have to carry this around forever as a big gaping hole in your heart. No good will ever come to you because you have failed to do right by me and the boys. Your lie will be a part of every relationship from here on out. If you fail to tell other partners, the lie will still be inside you and you will be trying to build a new relationship with a lie in the foundation. If you do tell them, you will have planted a seed of doubt for that person. Deep inside, you will know that you are a cheater, that you were unable to keep your promises, and that you ran away when you had the chance to make things right. It is a no win situation for you no matter what you do or how you try to explain it. Day after day, time after time, you have had the opportunity to make amends, to make things right, and you have failed. You have chosen to take the coward’s way out and run away. You will never be able to run fast enough or far enough.

I am sending your wedding ring back to you. I have held on to it because I thought the day would come when you would live up to the promises that you made me. I have slept with that under my pillow every night that you have not been here – your ring and mine tied together with the ribbon from my wedding flowers. I have really tried to hold on. I can’t anymore. I’m sorry."