hi all, new to site, but this is my life-1 yr ago found out about his ongoing (4 yr.)affair with woman 10yrs younger from another country. I was devastated and had my heart ripped out. he had left home under false pretenses of "personal issues and needing space so he can be the dad and husband that he needs to be"- I dug very deeply after having that gut feeling that something was wrong and I found out, he never voluntarily told me anything. there was an abortion, there were many other women also ( foreign, young, all of a different race, the nanny-type)that he would have lunchtime flings with in hotels etc. I dont want to make this too long, because there is much to tell , but i dont want to be repetitive.
I began to file for separation and after much pain and ups and downs,eventually decided to start over-buying a new house etc. he agreed to stop with the narcotics, to go to church and for us to seek counselling. 4 months later here i am and none of that is different. my problem is that i feel consumed by fear and I feel a sense of betrayl all over again-almost as though i never went thru a period of acceptance and deciding to start over. there was a time when the decision to work on the marriage elicited some intensity and euphoria, but that has subsided i think and for me i cannot let go of the trust issue and the betrayal. he has done many underhanded things with our finances and that makes me feel insecure and unsure. i am soo incredibly depressed that every day i dont want to wake up and i feel trappd and unloved and full of despair. i thought the despair was gone, but it is back and i dont know what to do. we have 3 daughters and there is much that surrounds us to be thankful for but i am unable to lift these thoughts. he is very stubborna and when i remind him of the promises i am assured that he is "where he wants to be and is happy" yet he doesnot really share what is inside. i fear that he is sttill seeing this person, he has denied it. i feel that we need therapy but he does not respond to my suggestions and i also feel as though he is hiding something.when i bring this up, he flips the conversation onto me and all of my issues and problems and blames me for not trying to get over this and for living in the past.
any advice?

Hi, and welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad that you found us.

You might want to post on the general questions II forum, as there is much more traffic there.

It is miserable when you first find out. If you really feel completely hopeless you might want to get some anti-depressants to help you through this.

It sounds like your husband might be a serial cheater, which is usually linked to childhood issues. It probably has little to do with you.

You can start in Plan A, and see how he responds. Also you need to expose the affairs as much as possible to whoever could have influence in his life.

Just wanted to know if you're out there and still need to talk? I'm chiming in for the very first time and completely understand how you feel.

I understand your pain. I'm still there myself. My wH had a 2 yr A. D-day 2/1/06. Kicked him out that night and exposed his A to his family.

There is no easy answer to ease the pain your are going through except time and acceptance that you cannot change your WH. He has to want to change. The only thing that you can do is try to rise above it.

What helped me is seeing a MC. She recommended a book, "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" by Susan Jeffers, PhD which gives you techniques for turning fear, indecisions, and anger into power, action and love. It has helped me deal with my own fears. As I'm not really into self-help books, this one really helped me become stronger. I can honestly say, that I will be okay if if plan b doesn't work and my M ends in divorce.

Fortunutaly, my doc talked me out of AD pills by telling me that although things are tough, to hang in there because it's temporary. He was right. AD drugs would only have eased the pain, but I knew that once the drugs wore off, the scope of my reality would not have changed.

Good luck.