Hi
I am new to this. My first post. I am heartbroken and need some feedback on where you may think my situation will go.

I have been cheated on and I told him to leave the home to which he did.

Here's my story
We were together for 4 years.
We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter.
He was never happy re: pregnancy but decided to stay with me.

Every 3-6 month we would squabble over something. I repeatedly asked him to leave if he was no unhappy. to which each time he said he loved me and wanted us to be a family.

3 weeks ago he went away on a business trip for 3 days - that is when he cheated on me. I found out thru MSN, he left it on, and a girl came thru so I logged in and pretended I was him to get what I needed to confirm - ouch. ..and then I told her who I really was.
He told her he had been single for a few years & had no kids!!!

When he arrived home, I confronted him and said , I was going to leave anyways, things have not been good here and you know that.
With that, I told him to leave and was extremely angry and said some horrible things to him.

Since that day, we've had one conversation to which he told me he never loved me, or was in love with me and stayed out of guilt. And when he could see that all the arguing was breaking me down, he decided he should leave ..as he wasnt happy and the frown's on our faces would affect our child. ( we never fought in front of her)

I have since found out that he contacted his one night stand 3 days after to apologize to her!
He is telling people he is happy to be out of a non working relationship, and is also persuing another "local girl"

My problem is I love this jerk! I want to have my family, I want to have him ( being good to me ).
What can I do to fix it???
Is it too late. I asked him 2 days ago if we could talk about our family to which he got angry and said no. but that same day when he dropped of our daughter, he said you can call me tonight if you want to talk, and I said no, that is okay you need your space.

The next morning he called the house to tell me about a snowblower deal ( we had a big storm ) and I said no thank you I have someone taking care of me.
I think I am reading too much into it......b/c its Valentines day and there is no phone call to me or our dear daughter.

Please help me with your thoughts.
Thx!! [/list]

SP,
First of all welcome to MB. We are here to help you help yourself...
Second:
Please read up on Plan A. DO all your homework by reading all MB principals, and DO get surviving the affair and HNHN. Read them, understand them, do them.
This is a wonderful site and the Harleys books are great, they also offer MC. So read, take a breath, study and practice the principals. Oh yeah, and keep on posting.
JE

Thank you. Where can I read up on Plan A. Can you give me a brief low down on what I should do?
It is so hard to see him when he comes to pick up our daughter. I am always crying. he doesnt care.

I had to ask him to leave b/c I thought it was the right thing to do but I regret it as well.

He doesnt want me, he wants everyone else. How can I can that? Can I change that!!

I'm so glad you answered me I feel so alone, I have lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks, I cant sleep well, obviously dont eat well. I have gone to the doctor to get AD, and have set up an appointment with a therapist.

I feel like I'm going to die without him but I feel like I will die with him if he is going to cheat on me & lie.

SP67

I'm sorry you have to be here. Surviving an Affair is a wonderful Book written by Dr. harley. It explains Plan A very well. There are also articles here on the MB site. Here is a post from GQ http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=2#2858269 It talks about the carrot and the stick of Plan A.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.html This is the main page. Read the FAQ, the articles, etc. You will learn so much.

Please keep posting and reading at here at the forums, as well.

Thank you. If I have kicked him out of the house...which I have, how will Plan A work for me???? I wish I could fix this relationship , I'm truly desperate for this to work!!

I love him, but he says he does not love me, how can I win? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Have you asked him to move home?

SP,
Read the info here first. Get the book suggested.
You can and will overcome this. Take control of you. You cannot change him. You can change you and how you show your love for him. You also can Plan A with him out of the home. However, this is new and maybe he should be home. But only you know that answer.
But read the principles, read up on Love Busters and on Filling emotional needs. You will need that knowledge to do a good plan A.
Look on the website. Order the book. Read what is here on the website and then when you get the books.
Take a breath. Do something for you. You have got to get yourself together, you need to EAT and SLEEP.
It is hard, trust me, but you can do this. You have to for you.
JE

if i try to talk to him about our family he gets angry so i give him some space, then a week later i asked if we could go to couple counselling together, something, he got angry , really angry and said no.

do you think since things have been up & down for 2 years, alot of fighting, that he wont come back??
my therapist says i should just leave him alone, try to have someone else here when he comes to pick up our daughter, take him to family court for child support and wait it out ???????? THOUGHTS?? Thanks !!! I'm so tired of thinking of this every minute.....of the day/night. UGH.

SP,
Start today with a deep breath. Then begin a complete Plan A. Do not expect much from him at this time. It is about you showing that you have changed. Make the changes stick.
Then you start working on you. I suggest an IC for you, and if possible MC for both of you. He may refuse right now. That is ok, you need to work on you during plan A also.
Please come over to General Questions II, also. Read up on the threads at the top of JFO, etc. You will see alot of info, take what you need from there.
Is he still out of the home?
Has he filed for D?
JE

Are you sure this is the man you would want your child being raised around? Ask yourself if he a man not just a male? BTW, child support should be the first thing on your mind. You have to be more concerned about your own mental health and your child's then his. He has made his bed let him lie in it. All I see is a desperate woman (not that I blame you) and I guarantee you that is what he sees too (the schmuck). Its not an attractive picture. Take care of yourself and your child because the guy is going to do what he wants to do no matter the plan. He is not looking out for you only himself and if you don't start paying attention you and your daughter will be begging for every scrap. Just a word of warning. Oh and tell people the truth about his actions, many times the fun of messing around is tempered by the furious dissaproval of friends and family.

Whatever,

I posted to you over on a recovery thread. I have the impression that you have been deeply hurt and may be a bit cynical. Correct me if I am wrong please.

MB a site for those who wish to save their marriages. Granted not every marriage can be saved but many can. And every marriage does deserve a second chance. Some BS`s do want an immediate divorce and that is of course their right. But the BS`s who take the time to post here want to try and save their marriages and make postive changes for a happier future. Otherwise what would be the point?

Have you posted your story here yet? Forgive me if you have but I missed it. I come and go from here.

I might be cynical but I am not stupid. She has to make sure that there is money to pay the bills. Otherwise she will be mooning over her lost love while eating rammen noodles in a house with no electricity. You have to be cynical at this point because optimism could mean that she gets suckered and the kids gets screwed. If he wants back in after a time then fine, but deal with what's in front of you first. By making yourself more independent and strong you can weather what's coming whether it be good or bad. I just think that sometimes the people on this site need to be reminded that the financial aspects need to come first when you have a child. It sucks enough to hurt emotionally but imagine doing that while you are hungry or cold. HOWEVER, I don't recommend being a ****** just matter of fact, business. Don't play his game and don't make games of your own. Have a purpose for every conversation and don't get off course. Make sure he knows what you and your child need from him. Just because he is acting like an ****** does not mean you need to act like a ******. Get the financial thing figured out first, you have to do that.

As for my own pain, I am dealing with it through the usual routes, counseling etc... but you know what the best thing about it is? I can AFFORD to get the counseling I need with the counseler I want. Get my point? Do what needs to be done first and what you want to get done second.

Whatever,

The problem I see is she is not here for finacial support. She is asking questions about how to get the WH she loves back. Also calling him to ask "where's my money" would probably relay a message she is not trying to send.

I must have missed something in SP's post about being unable to AFFORD good couseling?

Sounds like she wants to keep this "schmuck". Not drive an additional wedge between them.

You have a valid point, but try to keep it positive.

WOW! Thank you everyone for all your messages.

I do want him back. I do not act to him like I want him back , I am very distant, short, and cold.
He's seen me crying again on Sunday, I asked him about marriage counselling, he got angry and said no and left.

Tonight, I did not see him, he came in and daughter was at the door, he got angry & trying to fight over things he left here, meanwhile he owes $700 to me and says take it out of the money got get from me. Which by the way is $200 less than the federal guidelines.

I am in counselling now. Its free 6 sessions thru my work. How nice ! The counsellor says he may come back, but is it because of his daughter & financial reasons, or is it because he will stop lying & cheating and be a good H.
That is what we need to wait & see I guess.........

I did order the book. I am desperately waiting to figure something out to overcome this hositility we have towards each other, and get back to us, and our family. HOW...oh god!!

Can something really work when its this hostile and no communication. I have to plan all the visits, he does not call her when she is home with me, he never argues the schedule.

When he comes here he cant even look at me, he keeps his sunglasses on.

It will be 5 weeks this weekend. I have found out, thru the grapevine, I live in a small city, he is contacting women for coffee's etc... NICE.