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I don't know how to respond to this letter from WH. I was sick over the weekend and so we spent some time on the phone talking. HE called me - 3 times Monday and we were able to talk about a lot of things. But it still gets us no where. I have no clue where the OW is in this. He refuses to tell me anything. Except for an odd comment. Last night he called to check on me and when I said thank you - today is a roug day for me, no valentines from anyone, he said he didn't get any either and tha he was oging home to a solitary Valentines night too. He sounded bitter so what ever that means. But here's the letter he sent after spending so much time on the phone on Monday. I know that the words "fatal attraction" over state the idea. Still Jan, I find
myself "stuck" (don't know if that's the right word but I will use it for now)
in a place where I do not know how to enjoy and accept your "love". Haven't for
a long time.
I end up feeling locked into something uncomfortable, rather than joyful. I'm
sure it's just me, who I am. I just don't want to live that way any longer, in
that emotional dead zone within myself.
I guess you can't move on. You have to sort through life on your own terms.
There's nothing I can do to "fix" that. I just know that I don't feel at peace
when I'm around you. Always on pins and needles, uncomfortable with your touch,
un-joyful.
I'm sorry. That's what I find inside of me when I'm around you Jan. In the end,
that's not a reflection of who you are, it's a reflection only of me. And I
don't want to keep trying to force myself to be someone I am not. I can't keep
pretending that I hold deep affections for you. I don't! I like being separated
from you and I think I will be most comfortable in my skin when I can make that
permanent.
I'm sorry. I don't know how to make myself love you in a comparable way and it
does not want to come of its own accord. You don't really know the conflict that
has gone on within me for so many years. My discomforts, I've tried to hide them
and I suppose I have to some degree or another but they have never found a
resolution.
Again, I don't blame you for that. That's ME!! Plain and simple, and I don't
think one can "fix" such a fundamental personality "flaw". It's how see the
world.
Just like you have tried to give me a "gift" in the form of going along with the
divorce (even though you hate the idea). I think I can say that I have tried to
give you a "gift" as well, that of freedom from me and my lack of affection and
love. Obviously you don't want that gift and I can certainly understand that. At
the same time Jan, I don't know how to give you something (love and affection)
that I do not have to give.
You mentioned yesterday about being sick and about my taking care of you. You
don't seem to remember the many times I have gotten frustrated with you when you
got sick, how I disliked the responsibility of taking care of you.
Maybe you don't really know that.
It's been frustrating Jan. To have the vow of marriage at work in my life and to
be a person of deep affections as I have always been and then not finding any
joy inside of me in the giving of affections. I don't know why my personality
works that way. I just know it has more or less worked that way a long time. I
have tried to fake my way through in hopes that something different would click
into place eventually. That has not happened and I can't keep beating myself up
about it. I can't keep telling myself that I'm a bad person because I don't know
how to love Jan.
I have needed to acknowlege my own limitations for a change and do something
different. That's why the move out of the house. I needed to take care of my
inner needs, even if that caused the breakup of our marriage. I can't live the
other way any longer. I can't keep lying to myself about how I feel. I need to
take care of myself for once and that means moving away.
This isn't easy Jan. And no, it is not "fair" to you. I know you have lots you
want to give but try to understand that the "music" of your spirit falls on deaf
ears. I don't know how to receive and find joy in the gifts that you give AND I
DON"T THINK THAT'S A KNOCK AGAINST YOU WHATSOEVER. I think you need to be the
special person that you are. Just find a way to direct those energies elsewhere.
They don't seem to resonate with my personality and persona and no, I don't want
to "fix" me. I like who I am Jan. I feel comfortable in my skin on my own. I
want to stay that way.
Don't know if any of that helps. I need to get into the shower. So today I go to see the attorney and start the process in earnest. WH is getting ready to file - so no more [censored] footing around.
Last edited by Jancancrop; 02/16/06 07:49 PM.
ME - 46 yo
exH - 45 yo
Married 20 years
Three children 19, 15, 12
Multiple affairs, D-days, NC, and recoveries - all false
Divorce final May 10, 2007
Each day is a new lesson on forgiveness and peace
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Ugh. Translation: "I'm basically a very selfish guy who dislikes putting the needs of others before my own. It's a personality flaw, but hey, it's me!"
I know that I (like many FWSs???) have a selfish, narcissistic side that manifested itself during my A. It really pains me to think about it now. It sounds that side of your WH has taken over - completely.
I'm sorry you had such a sad Valentines Day, and that you were feeling sick on top of it all. Hopefully you will heal in time. Take care of yourself.
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Here's my translation:
IT'S NOT YOU JAN...IT'S ME...and I fully want to go out and eat cake.
I want to love other women..or rather have shallow relationships with them.
I don't want any responsibilities Jan...and being MARRIED REMINDS AND EQUATES RESPONSIBILITY TO ME. Which I don't want right now b/c I am an alien with my brain all scrambled up.
I want to live the James Bond Life! I want women and doing what I want when I want and NO RESPONSIBILITIES. I may be even becoming a narcissist Jan.
But you will be good and stay the same. After all, you're a good person...it's just that the "music" I hear is telling me to go and screw around. That's all I can hear is what is in my own head.
________________________
That's my take.
It could have been written from my now xh.
He used to spout the exact same stuff. He was incredibly and I MEAN INCREDIBLY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE to me...and please understand this man is not well himself. But you cannot fix what he has.
You can't.
Instead do the ONE CORRECT THING the man said in the midst of all his alien spew...WORK ON JAN.
You are unable to control a man who is narcissistic and all about himself. A total alien.
The alien must crash his ship down before he feels any pain or motivation to change.
And you must keep improving YOU...why? Well dear Jan..one of two outcomes will happen here and you need to be able to accept them.
1)he will crash and burn after a meaningless existence of being a poor father and a lousy wayward husband. He will get rid of the string of women, or the OW...and return home. Meanwhile Jan has continued to improve herself and lives a happier and fuller life contentedly.
2)the man does NOT change. He continues even further down he WS path than you could ever imagine. You do decide a D is best and you forge ahead. Meanwhile, in dumping the arrogant and unrepentant WS...Jan has continued to improve herself and lives a happier and fuller life contentedly.
See? Either way w hen that is your focus you win.
Plus as you strive to improve yourself, yourWH sees a stronger, calmer, together, and incredible woman from afar and that is attractive.
I do not believe the WS here has left the OW. His letter reeks of infidelity btw.
me:37 BS; s:7;
xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
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Oh Jan,I am so sorry he did this to you. This could be the conversation my hubby and I had last night, almost verbatim. It hurts and I know how you must be feeling. I am sorry for your obvious pain.
My take on this is that they look for anything to justify how they are feeling. I believe it's either a mid-life crisis or clinical depression. I also believe they won't get the help they need. The other night on TV, I heard a line that stuck with me ~ "Getting a man to go for counseling is like having them stop and ask for directions. First they must admit they are lost."
I'll keep you in my prayers. God bless.
I am so lost
Because life is as brief as it is, let us not waste precious time destroying one another, but rather nourish the strength and encourage the weakness of each other with hope
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Oh Jan - I have around 15 or 20 letters like that from my WH. I put them in my files under B for BABBLE. In fact, now when he drops one off, I toss it in the trash without reading it.
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I agree with everyone...this is complete fog talk. He's trying to convince himself that what he's doing is right...he's rewriting history and he feels guilty. I need to
take care of myself for once and that means moving away. That statement alone is so very classic fog talk. I know it doesn't make it hurt less for you but it has to mean something that basically every BS on this board has heard this in one way or another. My heart goes out to you.
D-Day 11/20/03
BS-Me 30
WS- H 31
Kids- 4 / 11 both girls
Recovery Began 3/22/2004 Thanks to this board and the people here.
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Thanks for the support guys. The last few days have been horrible. Valentines Day yesterday - my birthday tomorrow. We always did it up big - I was spoiled. So yesterday was very lonely.
BUT - this weekend won't be!! I decided since he wasn't going to do anything for my birthday, I WAS! I booked a flight to Orlando and I am going to spend the long holiday weekend in the sun (well - hopefully it warms up a little). I will visit with family, but mostly this is about some much needed R&R. WH will have the kids - feel a little guilty about not taking the kids with me. But I need some alone time and the last few weekends he's had them they have been with me for Friday night, or saturday morning, or Sunday morning...etc. Never have I been alone for the whole time. And when I have mangaged to have a 2 day stretch - he calls.
SO no cell phone calls, just me, a few books, a comfortable bed, sunshine and my brotehr and his family (for a day). Hopefully I'll return rested physically and emotionally.
ME - 46 yo
exH - 45 yo
Married 20 years
Three children 19, 15, 12
Multiple affairs, D-days, NC, and recoveries - all false
Divorce final May 10, 2007
Each day is a new lesson on forgiveness and peace
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Great idea! And stop feeling guilty about not taking the kids. Mom's need some time alone, too.
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Jan.... I am so sorry. What a heart breakign letter. Reading it, I felt like my H could have written that to me. He has never said it, he has no guts to even admit his selfishness to me. I agree with PK, he is just a selfish individual who wants to cake eat. My suggestion, cut him out of your life if possible, let him see what life without your affection is really like. Are you thinking of plan B?? Take care Jan....I am so sorry. Oh Jan - I have around 15 or 20 letters like that from my WH. I put them in my files under B for BABBLE. In fact, now when he drops one off, I toss it in the trash without reading it. Believer, you still get letters? Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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Thread Jack - Yep, Daisy, still get them. I used to open them excitedly. However, they are all the same babble.
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I love Valentine's Day letters that end with 'I need to get into the shower'.
If I had a nickel for every one of those I've received...
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Have a great trip, Jan. A little "me" time is an excellent idea.
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JAN, his letter is nothing more than continued mental masturbation. Good Lord, he just loves the sound of his voice. Its no wonder he wants to hole up somewhere all by himself and practice self love more often.
Please respond to any further phone calls, long dull mastubratory letters & emails with, "Stop. You are boring me." *click*
ENJOY THE TRIP!
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Mojo -
Thank goodness those letters come only every 8-10days now. For awhile he was donig it daily. At least now I am not devestated when I get one. Just sad.
ME - 46 yo
exH - 45 yo
Married 20 years
Three children 19, 15, 12
Multiple affairs, D-days, NC, and recoveries - all false
Divorce final May 10, 2007
Each day is a new lesson on forgiveness and peace
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Posts: 237
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Jan I hope you have a great time and are able to relax and enjoy yourself. I also hope you have lots of sunshine.
We have a 4 day weekend here and I thought about taking my 15 year old to NYC. She mentioned it to hubby who threw a fit like a spoiled child so now my daughter won't go because she "desn't want daddy to be mad". I almost suggested that daddy's madness is inside his own head but I kept my mouth shut.
I'm glad you're getting away. Try to keep thoughts of him away and enjoy yourself!
I am so lost
Because life is as brief as it is, let us not waste precious time destroying one another, but rather nourish the strength and encourage the weakness of each other with hope
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Ugh. Translation: "I'm basically a very selfish guy who dislikes putting the needs of others before my own. It's a personality flaw, but hey, it's me!"
I know that I (like many FWSs???) have a selfish, narcissistic side that manifested itself during my A. It really pains me to think about it now. It sounds that side of your WH has taken over - completely.
I'm sorry you had such a sad Valentines Day, and that you were feeling sick on top of it all. Hopefully you will heal in time. Take care of yourself. Ditto what PK said. The part about being frustrated when you get sick and not enjoying taking care of you?? O M G !!!!! Does he live in some fantasy world where no one ever gets sick and no one ever has to care for someone?? SHEESH!!! It's getting through the bad times that helps to bring people closer together. It might not be fun, but it's part of life. Too bad he can't figure out that simple concept. I love Valentine's Day letters that end with 'I need to get into the shower'. Yup, go take a shower WS, cuz you stink! Good on you for the mini-vaca, Jan, you deserve it. And don't feel one bit guilty about leaving the kids with WS. Time for you to take care of you for a bit. And happy birthday, Jan! {{{jan}}}
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GBH -
Taking care of me when I am sick has been a tough one. Early on in our marriage it was ok - but as the kids came along and meant taking responsibility of them it all changed. I had bronchitis and pneumonia (at the same time!) a temp of 104.6, couldn't walk to the car to get to the doctor, and he wouldn't come home form the office to help me get medical care. Don't remmeber the excuse but even in my fried fever brain it sounded lame.
OH well - can't change the past. I can only make better choices in the future.
ME - 46 yo
exH - 45 yo
Married 20 years
Three children 19, 15, 12
Multiple affairs, D-days, NC, and recoveries - all false
Divorce final May 10, 2007
Each day is a new lesson on forgiveness and peace
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