hi all, new to site, but this is my life-1 yr ago found out about his ongoing (4 yr.)affair with ****** 10yrs younger from another country. I was devastated and had my heart ripped out. he had left home under false pretenses of "personal issues and needing space so he can be the dad and husband that he should be"- I dug very deeply after having that gut feeling that something was wrong and I found out, he never voluntarily told me anything that there was an abortion,he sponsored her to come to US, there were many other women also ( foreign, very young, all of a different race, the nanny-type)that he would have lunchtime flings with in hotels etc., swinger parties. I dont want to make this too long, because there is much to tell , but i dont want to be repetitive.
I began to file for separation and after much pain and ups and downs,eventually decided to start over-buying a new house etc. he agreed to stop with the marijuana, to go to church and for us to seek counselling.
4 months later here i am and none of that is different. my problem is that i feel consumed by fear and I feel a sense of betrayl all over again-almost as though i never went thru a period of acceptance and deciding to start over. there was a time when the decision to work on the marriage elicited some intensity and euphoria, but that has subsided i think and for me i cannot let go of the trust issue and the betrayal. he has done many underhanded things with our finances and that makes me feel insecure and unsure. i am soo incredibly depressed that every day i dont want to wake up and i feel trappd and unloved and full of despair. i thought the despair was gone, but it is back and i dont know what to do. we have 3 daughters and there is much that surrounds us to be thankful for but i am unable to lift these thoughts. he is very stubborna and when i remind him of the promises i am assured that he is "where he wants to be and is happy" yet he doesnot really share what is inside, nor has he gone to counselling,N.A., or sought therapy. i fear that he is still seeing this person, he has denied it. i feel that we need therapy but he does not respond to my suggestions and i also feel as though he is hiding something.when i bring this up, he flips the conversation onto me and all of my issues and problems and blames me for not trying to get over this and for living in the past.
Is it normal after one has been through this to have these recurring thoughts - 1 year after the discovery? I feel as though I am going insane, i cannot sleep at night without dreaming about catching him with someone. In my mind I question his every move.I check his text messages and and found a message-"hey sexy, pack your bags the meeting is in April" - I know that this is a legitimate business associate coming to a legitimate-actual meeting that he is arranging for about 3000 attendees, but this is not how most people would address an associate- Has he or is he having an affair with this person, is he putting out feelers to have a fling with this person or is he just being his "normal"flirtatious self??? these things are driving me crazy and i feel as though I will just die of a heart attack one day beacuse i cannot take the pressure.
The constant thoughts have made me start to go thru his things again, I was over hat, now I am doing it again- It feels very bad to do it but is irresistable.PLEASE HELP ME.
