I apologize, but this is going to be a lengthy post. Let me start off by saying that I have had a problem of going to strip clubs for the past four years or so. I am currently married to my high school sweetheart. We have been married for four years but dated nine years prior to that. She is my entire world! Needless to say, she did not know about my addiction to strip clubs until this past Saturday. I travel quite a bit and when I am in different cities, I tend to visit these places. I have been doing this since we have been married. A couple of weeks ago, I made the huge mistake of giving a stripper my cell phone number. She wanted information on a club that I visit in another city, so I told her to call me for the information. I vaguely remember doing this because I was so drunk. Saturday afternoon, my cell rings while I am napping and my wife answers it. It is the stripper asking for me. She tells my wife that we met at her club and that I told her to call me for directions to another club. My wife did not believe her, and began to question her. The dancer told her exactly what I looked like, and my wife became more suspicious. She proceeded to wake me up and confront me about this. I was so surprised and afraid that my initial reaction was to lie. I told her that it had to be a prank, or wrong #. I went so far as to call the number back and accuse the girl of playing a cruel trick. My wife listened to the entire conversation and the dancer said that she didn't know that I was married and that I should not lie to my wife. Well, I continued to play it off. Finally, my wife decided to call the hotel that I said I was staying at in the city that I said I was visiting for business. Of course, I had lied about going to this city, so that I could visit this club which was in another city. I couldn't go any further. As soon as she picked up the phone to call the hotel that I never stayed at, I told her the truth. Understandably, she broke down and then went hysterical. She told me to leave after calling me several names that I deserved to be called. She then called her parents and they drove three hours to stay with her in our house. She also called my parents to tell them what I had done. I knew immediately that I had made the biggest mistake in my life. She asked me if I had slept with the girl who called or if I had a relationship with her and I told her no (this is the truth). Before I could tell her everything that I wanted to, she forced me to leave. She knows that I went to that one strip club and a few others of the past year or so. I didn't have the chance to tell her that it has been a problem for many years now. I also did not get the chance to tell her that on one occasion, I had protected sex with a stripper from one of the clubs. I was so drunk that I can't even remember what she looked like. I have spent the past three days in prayer. I have asked God to forgive me for what I have done, and I know that he has. Since Saturday, my wife has moved all of her possessions out of the house, taken half of the furniture, and taken half of the money out of our savings and checking accounts. I am staying in a different city with my parents. She has just sent me an email asking for an explanation of the withdrawals from our accounts over the past years. Some were legitiment withdrawals, but others were withdrawals for when I went to these clubs. I love my wife dearly, and don't want to lose her. I will do anything to save our marriage. I realize that I am in the wrong, and have a problem. I have asked for God's help and I have started counseling by myself. Where do I go from here? I am afraid that my wife is going to email or call me in the next few days and ask for a divorce. I have written her a letter, but I don't expect her to fully understand how sorry I am. It has only been three days, so I know her pain is still overwhelming. Help, anybody!

Note to readers. I asked him to repost this here after talking to him on JFO. Some further info can be found there.

Dobie

The book your counselor suggested is a great one - Every Man's Battle. It sounds to me like there is some sex addiction issues.

Now the problem is not only lying about the strip clubs, but also not being truthful about having sex with a prostitute. And your wife still hasn't been told that one.

Lying about the city you travel to is another count. Using marital money to fund your visits to do these things is also an issue.

It would have been better to come out with the truth all at once. As it stands, your wife is going to suspect that there is more to the story, and there is.

I'd say, work on your problems with your counselor before you attempt reconciliation with your wife.

You are definitely dealing with addiction issues. When you find yourself becoming so drunk that you don't remember what the stripper looks like THAT IS A PROBLEM.

I'm glad to see you stated you are wrong and that you have a problem. I'm glad you are taking ownership for your problem, it's your problem to own. It's not wife's fault, not your families fault, not your co-workers fault, no one's fault but your own.

The next step after taking ownership is to realize you can't handle the problem on your own. I'm glad to see you are going for counseling. You ALSO need some type of accountability. You need a male friend you can talk with to share your feelings, to let him know what is going on, who knows where you are going, and can hold you accountable. Maybe you know someone at church, a close friend, or look for a sex addiction group. www.SA.ORG is a place to start or www.CELEBRATERECOVERY.COM either one can help.

Some books for dealing with sexual addiction, the one mentioned above is good, also Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes, and Breaking Free by Russell Willingham. I personally like Russell's book because I know him and know that he is a solid Christian man.

Your wife has lost trust and trust takes effort to rebuild. You have deceived her, lied to her, broke your vows to her and now she is grieving the loss of what she thought she had for a husband. She may not understand how sorry you are, but you will not understand how hurt and damaged she is. So be fair to her and allow her to grieve. Be understanding, be compasionate, be humble, be kind, be gracious.

Answer questions she may have, but consider your answers carefully in that you don't hurt her. Never respond back in a way to intentionally hurt her. Think through your answers carefully and if you need to defer and answer, tell her you will need to talk with her in counseling about that question.

I have seen marriages where you are right now healed and restored to a point better than they were. I have also seen them ended because trust could not be repaired. A lot is up to you at this point.

If indeed you have a sexual addiction, which I think you do, you need to uncover the emotional problems that brought you there. You don't arrive at sexual addiction because of sex, you arrive there because of traumas and problems in your earlier life. It takes a lot of work in counseling. It takes being honest and getting real with yourself. It takes some deep self examination. If you are up to that you can resolve these problems and overcome the addiction. I know because I have overcome my own addiction.

God bless you and I pray that God is able to heal and restore.

Thank you both very much. Believer, I wanted to tell my wife all of these things at once, but she was understandably to hurt and wanted me out of the house right away. I want to tell her these things in person, but I don't know if she will see me. I have sent her an email today asking if we could meet and that I had some things that I needed to tell her. I sent the email because she had sent me one yesterday saying no phone calls. She informed me that she will be getting the rest of the furniture on Saturday. Askme, I do have a really good friend who is going to be there to hold me accountable and my counselor also recommended Out of the Shadows. I guess I am just wondering what to do next. I want my wife to know that I don't want to give up on our marriage, and I want to tell her the truth about EVERYTHING. But, I am fairly sure she wants no part of me right now. I am afraid that since she has already gotten a place to live and will have all of the furniture moved by this weekend, that she will not want to try counseling. Any more suggestions as to what I should do today, tomorrow, etc. in regards to trying to contact her.

Well, I understand that you would like to contact her today, tomorrow, etc. and get this resolved. However, you might as well prepare yourself for the long haul. It takes a couple of years to get over betrayal.

I suggest you write her and tell her you are sorry, and then leave her alone.

Do you have any children?

I totally understand that it is going to take a long time, but I am willing to do anything to save our marriage. I did write her a letter, but I am not sure if she read it. We do not have kids, but were thinking about it in the near future. Do I just wait for her to contact me? By leaving her alone, I don't want her to think that I have given up, or don't want to communicate with her. I am not even sure if she is willing to try and work this out. I just pray to God that if she is able, then I want him to be the center of everything that we do to get through this. I failed as a husband because I did not put God first in our relationship. We are both Christians, but I let our relationship with God slip. I take full responsibilty for that because it is the husband's duty as head of the home.

Believer or Askme,
Any more advice? By the way, can either of you tell me about plan a / plan b that I keep reading about in posts? Is this something I can find on this site, and if so, is it something I need to read?

Plan A is something normally used by the betrayed spouse. It's a way of getting back on your feet and hopefully getting the relationship back together. The basic concepts of it will also help you. That and some other great information are in the basic concepts section of the site. Plan B is something you have no need for.

Basically the plan A and B is how the hurt spouse would deal with the offending spouse. Plan A is the beginning plan and offers hope and gives a chance for recovery. Plan B is enacts when the offending spouse has proven they are not willing to engage in recovery. I know someone has a link to a post here on the site. Maybe beliver knows where it is.

As far as contacting your wife, if you call her, don't call to force anything. Call to check on her, call to check on the kids, call to see if she needs anything, call to tell her you are going for counseling and will do whatever it takes for your marriage, but don't push her do to anything. Whatever you do, don't push her! HUMBLE YOURSELF. She needs to see a positive change in your life.

There is NO QUICK FIX to your problem. As a friend of mine said we could sell a book for $9.99 and become millionares if there was. It will take time with individual counseling for yourself, it will take marriage counseling, it will take continuous accountability, it will take some hard work along the way to find out why you got to where you did.

And there is another part, and YOU DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE THIS PART! When a you have a sexual addict usually the wife has some type of issues as well. There is some dysfunction in the family. So your wife may need counseling to determine why she married a sex addict. Obviously something brought the two of you together. I'll use me as an example to explain.

I was an emotional giver to my mother. She was a single mom raising my brother and I. I was the oldest taking care of my brother. I helped her with the house, the cars, the yard and she depended on me. She counted on me like a surrogate husband to where she even depended on me for her emotional needs. I bought her birthday, christmas and mothers day gifts and cards. So I was use to being the giver.

My wife came from an emotionally empty family. She was not loved, she was not appreciated, she was put down. So I came along being the emotional giver and suddenly she found someone who just filled that void. For me she gave back appreciation, which I had never gotten from my mother. So it filled bother our needs. Only problem was we were filling dysfunctions and not healthy needs.....and I had a problem that was buried called sexual addiction.

So, you see how my wife had problems that brought us together and they were problems that as the marriage went on actually frustrated me, because I was always giving and felt abandoned when the real disasters in our marriage took place. It was those times that I acted out on my sexual addiction.

Thanks again for the advice. I am just worried that things are moving so fast. In her last email, she said that she would have most everything of hers and furniture that she has decided to take, out by Saturday. All of this transpired last Saturday night. It has only been four days. I can't even imagine how upset she is with me, but part of me wants to ask her to slow down before going too far. Is this wrong for me to want this? I don't even know where she is staying. She told me on Sunday (one day after the explosion) that she would find her own place to stay and that I could have the house and everything to do with it. I asked her if she would stay in the house, and I would still pay for all of the bills. She owns her own business, and I know that it would be extremely hard for her to find a place right away. I told her to let me live away from the home, after all, I am the one who messed up. Needless to say, she didn't agree to that. I am fairly sure that her parents are still staying with her wherever she is right now. And I have a feeling her mother is pushing her to move quickly, because she has a sister whose husband had an affair about two years ago. Is it right for me to ask her to slow down?

AskMe - Thanks for pitching in here. You are giving very helpful support.

Nash - Your wife is devastated - that is why she is moving so quickly, and giving it all up. That won't last. Work on yourself, and start looking for another job.

I am trying to think about what you say regarding my wife maybe having some underlying problems as well. She is an only child, and her parents have been married for 35 years. She is probably the most loved and spoiled child I have ever known. I have known my wife for 15 years, and have never known of any childhood or underlying problems. Some background info on me: I have a younger sister. My parents have been married for 36 years. When I was three or four they separated for a while. My father drank, did some minor drugs and was verbally abusive. Growing up, my father always had bouts with being verbally abusive to my mother. My sister and I spent alot of time consoling her and watching her cry over this. This began to get better in when I was in high school, and now that we have been out of the house for 10 years, my parents relationship is as good as it has ever been.

Believer,
I think what you say about getting another job is going to be essential. However, let me give you a little info about my financial situation. We moved into a brand new home about a year and a half ago. Our mortgage almost doubled with this new and larger home. With both of our incomes, it was well within our capability to afford our new lifestyle. Now that I have the house, and do not have both incomes, it is going to be hard for me to maintain mortgage payments and the bills. Should I be talking to my wife about selling the house? Both of our names are on the mortgage, so we are going to have to communicate about this. I feel as though she may think that I am giving up on everything if I approach her about selling the house though. Should I just try to find a job that pays more than what I am making now, or maybe even two jobs to try and keep the house?

Number 1 rule to remember, you can't control her actions, she can't control your actions. Each of you are responsible for your own actions.

What I would tell her is that I understand I broke her trust and she has every right to move out any and everything she wants. I would say that I am broken and humble and understand why she is doing what she is doing. Then I would say no matter what happens I am still going to work on my problem for me, but I would hope you would also give me a second chance as well. I know I have a problem and I want to resolve it for me.

Put the focus on resolving the problem for yourself....you have to fix the problem for you no matter what happens. If she gives you a second chance, great, if not, you still have to fix you. But she then she understands you are not doing this just to try and please her, you are serious about fixing you. YOU HAVE TO FIX YOU NO MATTER WHAT ...........

ASkMe,

This is EXACTLY what I was going to do. You echo my sentiments. Thank you for validating my feelings for me. Now, another question. How do I tell her this? In an email, letter, over the phone, try to see her in person. I am fairly sure you won't answer her phone. I don't know where she is staying now, but I could always go by where she works. If I do that, then I run the risk of making her even more mad, but I have always been one to tell her everything face to face and not over the phone or whatever. Keep in mind, she still does not know the depth of my problem and the fact that I did have sex with a stripper. I have to tell her this, but I don't think it is right to tell her over email or the phone. Is this something I should wait to tell her when she is finally willing to see me?

I believe in full disclosure of the things you have done, but you don't have to disclose right now this minute. I think there is too much turmoil and emotion taking place and the disclose needs to be done in a safe environment like a counselors office. I think you have too much of a problem to dump it all on your wife without having someone there to handle it with you. Having a counselor there will help in dealing with any emotional issues that come up during the disclosure. Does that make sense? You want to tell her everything, but you can hold off until you are able to take her with you to the counselor. After all if she is not willing to work on the marriage and she decides that she is headed full steam towards divorce you don't want to hand her more ammunition.

As far as how to tell her the other part, email/letter takes out any emotion, but you need to verify she gets it. Letter with return receipt can do that job. Face to face right now might cause a problem depending on how angry and hurt she is. I would try phone and then letter. At least phone allows her to hear the humbleness in your voice.

Ok. I just received a phone call from my counselor. This is the same counselor that my wife and I went to for marital help about a year ago (we were fighting about money). He worked wonders in our lives then. He told me that he talked to my wife last night. She gave him a call, and was able to vent to him for a while. He suggested to me that I not try to make any contact with her at this time. He said to let her make the contact with me. Let her go ahead and move what she needs out of the house. As upset as I have been for the past several days, I have to say that I now feel a little peace within my soul because of this. I was at a point where I didn't know what to do, whether to contact her or not, and I have just prayed for the past day that God would let me know what to do. WOW! Answered just like that! The counselor said he would be seeing her pretty soon, and I have an appointment next week too. I am well aware that this is going to take patience, time, hard work, more love than I have ever had to give, praying, and putting God first in everything that I do. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I think this might be a step in the right direction. I don't know if our marriage will survive this (I hope with all my heart that it does), but I know God holds the ultimate plan which is all that really matters. I need to just work on fixing my problems and literally living one day at a time. I will keep everyone posted that has offered such great advice.

You have to remember to give God control. If we try to take control we mess up the plans. So it's good you prayed and got an answer to your prayers that you feel at peace about. As I said, it's best to let her take what she wants and let her settle down. You can't control her actions, nor do you want to try. Continue to pray, continue to seek counseling, continue to hold yourself accountable, continue to examine yourself and why you did the things you did. I'm not sure where you live, but there is an excellent workshop in Nashville, Tenn that would be a great kickstart to counseling. I would recommend it to anyone who thinks they might have a sexual addiction. It's an intense 5 days of counseling, but they get you down to the root of some of your problems quick and then regular counseling can pick up from there. Check out www.bethesdaworkshops.org

Guess what? I live in Franklin, TN which is just a few miles south of Nashville. I will definitely check it out. How did you find out about the workshop?