I have been married for almost 5 years, and have a 2 year old daughter. Both my wife and I work. It was at work where she developed an affair with her boss. My wife told me about it back in early December of 05 after returning from a business trip with him. At first she said things like it was alcohol that made her get involved, then over the period of a few weeks or so, she admitted to having an affair with him for several months. That their relationship was building. I even tried to talk to her boss, also married with 2 kids, about it. At the time, he said he would give up everything he has to be with my wife. Needless to say I had a lousy Christmas and New Years, but things started looking a little brighter for us, when she said she didn't know what she wanted, but had ended her relationship with the boss. Unfortunately, it doesn't end there I feel. He continues to text message her love messages every day. I am unable to see how she responds, but she says she ignores them, and answers only to the work related messages. She does continue to talk with him almost everyday on the way to and from work...but again, she says its work related. Over the course of the last few months, my curiosity has gotten her angry at times. Looking into her messages (although she says she doesn't care), and trying to call her all the time and wonder what she is up to. On several occasions she has told me that she doesn't want to patch things up with me, and early on there was talk of one of us moving out. That never happened. Still my life is filled with questions about where to go from here. I wish I could find a way to block out the text messaging and lay low, so that maybe she can rediscover herself and rethink what she is doing...but that is hard for me since she works so closely with him, and because she doesn't show much interest if any at all in me. She wants me to trust her, but that is difficult to do. Recently we had another setback...I found hotel keys in her purse. She said they were from a previous business trip. But on the back of the keys, they had imprinted on them a local town/state information on them. I thought it was way to suspicious, so I checked into it. Sure enough, her boss was staying at a hotel with the same name for the last night or two. I found out about this and comfronted her. At first she denied it, and wanted to let it go...then she became angry when I kept asking questions about it, and said she has lost any kind of trust for me. Mind you, she never actually stayed with him at the hotel, other than maybe to meet him for an hour or two a few days go before work. She tells me she needs space and that I haven't given it to her...instead I keep pushing her away.

I still have feelings for her, and want to fix our marriage. I am no angel, but I did not cheat on her ever. I have been caught lying to her about looking at other women or porn on the computer, but I feel that is innocent. I do believe that some of our problems led to this affair. Her boss has some of the same issues with his wife from what I understand. I am scared to have to face being single again, but even more scared to split up our family. I don't want my daughter raised like so many other kids are today. I strongly believe that I can and have changed things on my end to make this marriage work. I'm now waiting for her?...can anyone offer advice on what they think I should do?

Sadmn,

It doesn't sound like your wife is being honest with you. She is still in a fog just by the way she is treating you. If she is in contact with the OM constantly, your recovery and marriage will never work. But, the very first thing she has to do is be honest with you. You have to be able to communicate - this is very important.

She needs her space? To do what??? Does she want to leave you? Or does she want to be with the OM without you spying on her? Now is the time for the two of you to be together to make things work.

She isn't right in telling YOU that she doesn't trust you. You have every right to spy on her - she is the one that can't be trusted because of her previous/current actions.

My husband worked with the OW and he thought he could also handle it. His job was the most important thing to him. He was done with the OW, so he thought, he could work with her, strictly business. It backfired, she finally pressed charges against him and the company told him kindly to leave. HE WAS SHOCKED. How cold someone that cared for him and the company that he was so devoted to do this to him?

Now he woke up and smelled the coffee. After months and months of pleading with him to do something about the OW, anything and him refusing -now he has no choice.

We went thru a lot of needless fighting, hurting, pain, not trusting, lost time, because he was stubborn. We could have been well into recovery a lot sooner because he refused to leave his job. Everytime he went to work I thought it was a slap in my face - but he just couldn't understand.

If you want your marriage to recover, get your wife away from the OM - she can't work with him. Give her a reasonable amount of time to either get a transfer or find a new position. She will resist this, but be determined and don't give up, keep pressuring her to do something.

Be careful about exposing her in work - people are very cruel when they find out about women having affairs. This will put more pressure on your relationship. But, I would definitely expose the boss to his wife. She may put the pressure on the boss and do the work for you. I'm sure she won't be too happy finding out.

Take it from someone who's been thru this and all the pain. Get her away from the OM or you two will never work out.

There's another person on this site Caseynotis, that's also in a similar situation like yours. Her husband works with the OW. So, you see there are a lot of people in your shoes on this site. Speak to them, vent, it will do a lot of good.

3 months is not a long time. You still have a lot of ups and downs to go yet. It takes time. Be determined and strong, you'll need it. Good luck.

Thanks ForgiveandLove,

I appreciate all of what you said. I have to admit though, it is tough for me to ask my wife to leave her job. She makes good money, and actually has put forth an honest effort in finding something new...but her salary requirements are considered too high. Of course, I understand we are talking about a marriage here...I want to try and give her space. I'm not sure if I'm ready to expose the messages her boss is sending her, to his wife yet. Another thing about my wife I haven't mentioned is that she is against any kind of counseling. I went to counseling myself, but it didn't do much for me either. I think if the two of us went, it would work out better.

Do you think there is any way my wife can stay at her job and continue to work with the OM?...I ask myself that a lot lately.

Another thing. I thought about purchasing a digital voice recorder to secretly tape any cell phone conversations she has with him in the car on the way to and from work. Has anyone tried this?

quick note on the text messaging. If you access her cell providers web page you can usually view the account including unbilled activity, though you do need the login name and password for the account. These are usually updated every 4 hours or so, which means you can atleast see who and when messages are being sent and recieved. In my case I set up the online account for my wifes phone since she had never set one up online. I don't know if there are any legal issues there but if you're financially codependant it doesn't seem to out of line to be able to access information holding a financial concern for you.

I considered the digital voice recorder option with my wife, opted out though since it is highly illegal. If you do try it don't let her know .... ever! If things were to not workout she could press charges, you could end up in jail for up to five years. This wasn't to scary considering the resolution I thought it might have given me, but the thought of being a "bad guy" to my daughter was unbearable. Another highly illegal option I have been told of but don't have any more info was a device to intercept digital cell phone signals nearby, I never could find any more info on them though. The online cell account was most useful since it allowed me to see just how much she was talking and texting the OM and proved she was being dishonest in how much contact she was having.

Woah!...All of a sudden I don't think I care for the voice recorder option. I too would not want my daughter EVER thinking I'm a bad guy, and I don't want to go to jail. I do have the ability of checking her text message count online, but that doesn't do a whole lot of good considering she tells me its "work related".

I have to say that I am trying to hold on to some kind of hope that my wife has truly ended her affair with her boss and is just stuck between staying with me or leaving me. At home things are ok for the most part. We get along, but there is absolutely no intimacy in our relationship at this moment. But reading a lot of the posts on this website makes me feel that in most cases the affair is still happening...I certainly hope I can prove that wrong in my case...Someday.

not knowing the whole situation this may not be an option, but I would ask her to save her text messages from the entire day and allow you to view them all. If she is truly over the affair and wants to work things out she should understand that this is something you need to help reestablish trust. If she agrees check her texts for the day, if nothing seems out of line check her text count online for the day against what you were shown, if any are missing I would quess there is a reason they were not shown to you.

I also learned to pay very close attention to body language, there can be alot said there that she doesn't even realize. For instance after catching my wife in several lies I realized she always rolled her eyes and exhaled sharply before lying to me. There are also simple things like does she ever offer affectionate gestures to you(hand holding, kisses, stroking back or shoulders, stuff she may have done frequently before the A). If you are making a conscious effort at meeting her EN, she does love you, and the A has been over for close to three months; she should be ready to start rebuilding. Even if the A is truly over, the constant contact with him is probably prolonging the break from the A mindset. Also keep him in mind, he made his intentions clear, why would he refrain from doing or saying anything to hurt your marriage, he has already proven he doesn't place any value in the bond of marriage. I would guess he still sends her the love notes you mentioned earlier, the question is how is she responding?

AJHadley,

My wife has told me a on several occasions that she does not want to patch things up. She says that we are beyond that...but then she will say something to the effect that she needs space. I think that if she is over this affair, or in the stages of being over it, she doesn't know what she wants...she has told me before that she wants space. I don't get any affection from her really. On a rare occasion, before I got her upset this past Monday, she might kiss me or hug me. But that was it. She never says that she loves me.

I think right now I am going to try and give her space. I told her I would stop looking at her text messages, because it was getting me nowhere. Although, in time I will probably revert back to spying again. Trust is something that needs to be earned...and if I spy and see that she is being honest with me, to the best of my knowledge...only then can I really start trusting her I feel.

I'm hoping that in time she will find her way back to me. She says she is unhappy, and has been for a long time. Well, it may be a long time until she is happy again with me. If it's meant to be.

By the way, I definately agree with your statement about the OM. His wife told me that everything is going good for them...but she has no clue about the messages he is sending her.

Ouch! Thats to bad she says she doens't want to make things work, but hang in there. I would try to meet her EN as much as possible without making her feel pressured to respond, give her a chance to remember why she fell in love with you itially. Having a step daughter, I can tell you broken families are very difficult, keep a strong focus on your daughter, she deserves a happy, functional family, divorces with children are ugly, and get worse when either person pursues a new relationship. Custody battles are expensive!! and painful for all involved. If at all possible avoid that route. I wish I could offer you more advice on bringing her back, but the first step I feel is a willing partner.

It sounds as though she may be more of the financial provider, or atleast you two are fairly equal in that respect otherwise I might think she was relying on you for financial support. If that is not tha case there must be some reason she is still there, keep trying to meet her EN and best of luck.

AJHadley2,
My wife plays a big role in providing income. Almost half. I think you may have offered the best advice, by just laying back and not making her feel pressured. Unfortunately, I have already done a few things against this in the past. I need to restart if you will, now. I too am dead afraid of facing a divorce. She has talked about that in the past. Actually right after revealing the A to me. She of course wants custody of our daughter and said she would grant me visitation anytime I wanted...I don't ever want to have to go down that road. Plus I don't trust anything she says regarding that. I know someone at my work that went through the same thing...and he told me to go after everything I can get, including custody. But that's enough about that...I want to fix our marriage more than anything!!!

I just hope it is not too late.

Sadmn,

Like I said it never works out working with the OP. Something is going to happen sooner or later to either change her mind, or someone will change her mind for her. If she keeps working with the OM, when she's with him, she'll be thinking of him and the times they had. When she's with you, she'll be thinking of you. She has to make a choice. It seems at this time she is confused. She was living in a fantasy world with the OM, all the WS's are. It's hard for them to come back to reality.

I also told you, the WS thinks they can handle working with the OP. But, it never just is business as usual.

So far as you snooping, if she doesn't give you the information you need, do it. When you are satisfied that she is telling you the truth, all the truth, you will have no need to snoop. Sounds to me, that your questions are not being answered.

She may need a push - wait - if no get no answers - tell the OM's wife. You'll see how quickly things will move one way or the other. She also has a right to know how her husband is deceiving her.

If she is being cold towards you, she may be fighting her feelings between you and the OM. Remember she had an unrealistic view of the OM. Do assure her that you love her and want to work things out. Assure her you are there always - tell her you understand - try and commuicate with her.

You will have lots of ups and downs. You will have arguments. This is normal. If your marriage is meant to survive - it will. Just give it time and don't give up easily.

A lot of BS's think they don't need MC. My husband told me in the beginning, he didn't like "shrinks". But, the right one, can do a world of good for both of you.

Leave divorce as the last alternative. Many marriages survive affairs. Both of you have to work at it. Sometimes, in the beginning, one person is doing most of the work. I did, but it paid off.

Just a quick note that I am sorry for what you are going thru. I think it is important to know what your up against.

The recorders can be a great way to go. You do not have to tell her about it and you will get the truth from them. It is impossible to get the truth from a cheating spouse since all they do is lie. I used a recorder to first find out the truth and then it helped me look for other evidence.

And as far as the comment that you don't want your daughter thinking of you as a bad guy then get to work and know what is going on. You are in a war and you can surrender or you can fight back for your marriage. People should know the truth and then make decisions based on facts.

IHadEnough,
aren't voice recorders illegal though?

Sadmn,

If you can't get the truth out of your wife, do what you got to do to get the truth. I personally, wouldn't go as far as the voice recorder, but if you have to, do it. You don't have to devulge your source of information. Until you get all the info you need, keep it to yourself. Keep prying, get more info. Believe me, you'll find out soon enough if anything is going on NOW between your wife and the OM - you always do. There is nothing wrong with snooping. Have you showed up unnanounced at the office - just to check things out?

You're worried about looking like a bad guy in your daughters eyes? What about your wife - did she think of looking like a bad guy - NO! She was telling lies to you and your daughter, being dishonest.

If you have to think about your wife pressing some kind of charges against you (for using a voice recorder)-it really sounds like she could be devious/vengeful . Do what you got to do though. I wouldn't worry about going to jail though, for snooping.