Asterix,

You asked
Ideally the answer is yes, but realistically the BS often does a LOT more work early on in this. Later as the marriage recovers and the WS sees it and sees it better than ever the remorse sets in. Your W sounds as if she is trying to do the things you want and need, but right now you are too hurt to see that.

The advice you have been given is excellent follow it. You may not recall but there is a saying that I know we are not talking about revenge here, but trust what you have heard as you treat her well, as you do your best to recover without throwing the A in her face all of the time or during an arguement, she will see how foolish her choices were.

I am not saying you cannot discuss the A, and later what each of you have learned from her A, but don't throw it in her face, and go at this in the spirit of kindness, although you are deeply deeply hurt. There will very likely come a time that you will have to let her do things for her so that she can attone for what she has done, but you are way too early for this.

Asterix, she really probably does not fully understand the depth of what she has done to the marriage yet, but she will. She knows you are hurt, but she does NOT know what was lost and cannot be recovered. Yes, the marriage can become something far better than it ever was, but some things are lost.

So hang in there, enjoy the vacation, and give this time.

God Bless,

JL

This is all so difficult - last night I experienced three completely different moods. I started very depressed and withdrawn, literally crying in bed, worrying that I could never be a good father to my kids again because I was so hurt and so consumed by my pain. Then an hour or so later I started recovering again, was a bit more chatty, I was even smiling - then during the night, alone with my thoughts and anxieties I started getting angry and I wanted to bother my W with questions and sarcastic comments. At one point she even left the room because I wouldn't let her sleep, she eventually came back. This morning I woke up early still haunted by thoughts of them together. My wife is being very patient with me, hugging me, apologizing - I am sure it's not easy for her either. She is definitely very remorseful and I think she understands the extent of what she has done to our mariage. Actually part of her depression in the months that followed the A were due to the fact that she felt she had lost me and for ever ruined what we had together. At this point I don't know what our mariage will be like - I know that through this I have seen another facet of her personality - I just never thought she could do what she did and then hide as many clues as she could. In a way I don't recognize the woman that I married.
Obviously a big change for me will be the trust that I have in her. I really used to trust her, never blindly trusted her maybe, but definitely always gave her the benefit of the doubt. I don't know if I will ever be able to get to that stage again. What other changes have you all seen in your relationships with a FWW? Thanks again for all your support and kind words. This discussion group has been wonderful in helping me express my feelings and getting some perspective on this whole thing.

Trust is hard. I have not yet gotten to where I fully trust her, but I am making progress. Still I have pangs from time to time. I think trust will start returning to your marriage pretty soon.

Have you read much here from other posters? If so you know that your situation could be much much worse. The A could be continuing, or perhaps your W could have moved out, or could have decided she doesn't love you, or... you get the idea. You've been hurt, but you also have a good place to start building a new better M. Please don't let your emotions cause you to make bad decisions or hurt her.

Best wishes and God Bless your marriage.

I am only trying to help you to avoid some of the pitfalls that slowed down my recovery.

You are in pain, thats a given, and yes I know what it feels like. From the sound of it your W is sensitive to that, and making the effort to assist you any way possible short of telling you things she expects will hurt you further.

One of the major mistakes I made and regret was to put up a wall between my W and I early on, to protect myself from any more damage, also stopping/distancing myself from making repairs.


Your W is ready for this to me nothing but a bad memory that no longer affects your daily lifes, and when that becomes a reality you will both be in a much better place.

Unfortunately it will be awhile before you get there. You are still grieving the death of your M, the way you knew it.

Again, my only goal here is to help you survive this emotional train wreck.

Yes you are right about that - I do realize that it could have been or could still be worse than it is. Sometimes I force myself to think about that to make my pain more bearable. It feels like you have just been in an accident, lost an arm and a leg - and have to tell yourself that at least you survived the crash. I guess that it all comes down to counting your blessings. Just difficult to sustain that level of positive thinking at a time like this when you feel that your whole world has come crashing down. But with time who knows.
Yes and I know that part of me feels that I need to be compensated for that. Compensated by her answering all the questions that I have, loving me despite my current mood swings, and re-romanticizing our mariage. I feel that I should be the one pursued, the one that needs to be reeled in, the ones that needs to be won back. But I also know that it's not that easy and putting those demands on her will further delay our recovery.
I really appreciate your insights. I assume that my current emotions and state of mind are not my best advisors right now. I can benefit from your perspective as to what worked and what didn't. Of course I imagine that each situation is different but I am sure that certain lessons learned still apply.

On another note, I had some down time yesterday at the office and I spend an hour or so trying to develop a cause & effect diagram of this whole A, attempting to summarize all the things that I have heard over the last two weeks. It must be my engineering background kicking in, and I may be stupid to think that matters like these can be rationalized and understood at that level. This being said it was an interesting exercise and one that allowed me to put some order in my thoughts. Here is an example of what I came up with in explaining how the physical affair took place:
(1) My W and I lacked emotional closeness for a while before the A - that led to (2) a feeling of loneliness on her part (she had talked to me in the past about that but we weren't able to correct it).
(3) My wife and the OM spent a lot of time together at work, they were co-workers. (4) They also shared many intense work experiences together. (3) + (4) led to (5) A lot of complicity between her and the OM, they were very good friends. I think that (1) also contributed to (5), as she was probably compensating for her lack of complicity with me.
(6) She was relatively attracted to him - let's just say attracted enough to make a PA possible. (5) + (6) led to(7) a solid connection or compatibility between them.
(8) They both found themselves away from home for a week - his family had moved out, she was staying in a hotel - that's what I call the 'right place'
(9) It was also the 'right time' - they were both facing an imminent move to a new state, it was the end of their time working together - it was an emotional time for her - and I think that the OM used it as 'the' opportunity to try something. (8) + (9) created (10) the 'opportunity'.
(11) The OM was also more aggressive, it basically made the first move - just enough for my wife to go along with it. I am not saying that she was forced but let's just say that I think that she would not have initiated it.
So in conclusion I believe that (2) her feeling of loneliness combined with (7) the solid connection/compatibility between them, (10) being at the right time and right place, and (11) him making the first move, all led to the PA.
Now obviously when I look at something like that, provided that it is even close to reality (I want to have her take a look at it eventually), I try to think about the things that I could change in the future. a) obviously I can work on the emotional closeness between the two of us. Working on our mariage, trying to fulfill each other's emotional needs while avoid love busters can go a long way there. b) I think that the strong connection (complicity + enough physical attraction) should be a red flag for her, a warning that maybe she is getting too close to someone and that she shouldn't trust herself with that. c) obviously she would need to avoid creating the opportunities like finding herself going on a business trip by herself, being in a private setting with an OM, etc. once again she shouldn't trust herself with those situations. d) I will need to be less trusting and keep an eye on those things as they develop or as they occur. Does this make any sense at all? Is that at all close to what a counselor would try to do with us in trying to identify what led to the PA?

That makes great sense to me. Not sure what a counselor would say, but that's also a pretty good description of how my W's affair came to pass. (8) particularly; my W and OM knew each other from way back, but then re-met at a convention in another city.

I'd left the door open by not meeting my W's emotional needs. If I had met her needs, I doubt she would have accepted OM's invitation. Maybe, but I doubt it. Even if she had accepted, she likely would not have continued the A when she returned home.

So, top priority for me is to do my very best at fulfilling her needs and making her feel loved. And I think that's a good prescription for the majority of men in a committed relationship.

Well I am glad to hear that I am completely crazy then. While some may frown upon trying to map emotions and events in the form of cause-effect diagrams I still think that it helped me order my thinking and see how all the different facets of the PA worked together. It helped me identify the potential root causes, or at least the 'enablers', and I can try to focus on those.

Meeting the emotional needs (EN) and avoiding the love busters (LB) is obviously an important part but is it really enough? Where does one find the strength and the will to reject temptation? Is it fear of consequences? If one knew that their spouse was going to find out about the affair, would they go through with it? While both the BH and the WW can contribute to a good environment (max EN, min LB) - how can a FWW learn to recognize the signals and prevent herself from ever doing it again? Or is this something that's impossible to ask of someone?

On my mood scale, today I would say that I am 'angry' - I definitely feel sarcastic and ready to throw the A in my wife's face at the first opportunity. Probably a good thing that we are not together today. On the other hand she is doing her best to be nice - I just had her on the phone and she sounded really sweet. I will see if my mood changes by the time I am going home.

On another topic, I wrote a letter for the wife of the OM today. I knew her as well. I don't know if it's a good idea for me to send it. Any thoughts on that topic? Part of me obviously wants revenge, why would he have an easy life while mine is turned upside down? But part of me also wants her to know who she is dealing with. She has three kids and she should be able to make an informed decision about her marriage. Since he knows that I know, I wonder if he will try to intercept the letter when it arrives, by just looking at the origin (we are the only people they know in this area). I don't have her email address or cell phone number so I really don't have another way of getting in touch with her. Any lessons learned on this point?

Asterix,

The logic chart is a good thing and I would guess that you are pretty close to right. I say this because what you have listed is pretty much a common pattern for affairs. Interestingly, it is the pattern for someone that does in fact want to remain married and actually loves their spouse, although they forget that at the time. Hence the optimism for your marriage recovery.

Let me offer what I take from it based on reading here for over 7 years.

1. You are right the lack of emotional closeness was and is always a factor (ie meeting needs and probably communications was the biggie).

2. You are wrong that you could of prevented it, because it was her choice.

3. What she needs to do is decide what HER boundaries are and explain them to you.

4. She needs to explain HER plan for protecting HER boundaries and thus the marriage.

5. You do have a role in helping her protect her boundaries as she does in you protecting yours.

You also said and asked
Show it to her NOW. You are so new in this situation that you have not realized yet, that you may not need to question her about details so much other than to confirm specific pieces of the puzzle, as you need to understand HER thinking at the time. If you offer this to her, and then ask her how she would have described the "logic" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> tree she used, you AND she will learn valuable information.


My friend if you do this, alot of things will fall into place. You BOTH will be much happier. You see you need that emotional connection as much as she does, you have not been aware of it as much until NOW.



This is about her boundaries. What you are about to find out is that one of your emotional needs is COMMUNICATIONS with her. You need her telling you how she feels in order for YOU to be happy. AND she needs to hear how you feel for her to be happy. Think about this.



This is an interesting one. It is about boundaries and protecting them. She should be able to travel and be around other men, and I encourage you to allow this as you heal. What she needs to have is a plan of action laid out before she travels. For example, I won't go dancing with them. Or if I go drinking with them, it is a group. I will be in bed by??? I won't do this while with men? Do you see my point?

I have been married 30 years, and used to travel extensively, I avoided temptation (protected my boundaries) by NEVER going where there was dancing. Never joining a woman for a drink unless we were in a group. I did this because I was a batchelor until I was over 30, and understood how the game was played. I avoided the game. Her plan should include how to avoid the game, while still doing the business she needs to do, even if that includes a social component. Does this make sense? Talk with her about this.



What you really need to do is become a team, and the issue of trust will take care of itself. Trust is after all simply the ability to predict future actions based on past behavior with the more recent behavior being weighted the most heavily. Note, that she ended the affair, and she has behaved in a trustworthy fashion for a lot longer than she behaved in a non-trustworthy fashion. So, Asterix, there is a lot of hope for all of this.

The bigger issue will not be so much your trust of her, but anxiety about what might happen. She can help a lot with this by developing a plan with you that addresses the anxiety. As you say, it is your internal dialogue that is driving you crazy right now, and it will for some time to come.


I think you are heading in the correct direction. The only "illogical" aspect of this is healing the wounds you have emotionally. To some degree one cannot "logic" these things away, any more than you can "logic" away an incision. You need time to heal and that takes communications with your W, her love and assistance, followed by time and patience.

I would recommend on thing. When you go on vacation, really really enjoy your children. Relax, and let the healing occur, and remember why you married this woman, and why you love her now.

She messed up big time, but if she loves you and loves you for the next 50 years or so while being a good mother to your children, and a good wife and lover to you, her failure to protect her boundaries will become less and less significant, and you will die a very happy man.

You are in the middle of something very painful, but you can heal and be even stronger than ever, sort of like a broken bone. The site of the break is often stronger, than the original bone, once it is properly healed.

Must go, hope something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL

I have just discussed that with her over the phone - she tells me that she knows her boundaries but that obviously she crossed them and she is very shocked that she did that. When I ask her what will be different next time she tells me that she has learned an important lesson, she has seen how crossing those boundaries have affected her (shame, guilt, feeling of worthlessness), affecting me, and taken a huge risk on our family and relationship. She tells me that it is those lessons that will prevent her from ever crossing those boundaries again.
I have shared the overall logic over the phone with her and I think that she pretty much agrees with it. Once again her boundaries were crossed and she feels very stupid for putting herself in those situations. I have also shared my logic tree for what led to her subsequent depression, there she disagreed that she missed the lover and had a broken heart. She missed the friendship and having someone to talk to but she didn't miss the physical aspect of their relationship at all. In addition she felt shame and guilt and was shocked to have done something like this. She wondered what having an affair meant about her.
I like this analogy a lot. Right now I feel the intense pain of the broken bone and it's going to take a while to heal. Just like with a broken arm I will be very cautious for a long time about what I do with it, I will think for a while that it could never be stronger than it was before. But if it's healed properly, well aligned, and well care for, it will indeed grow stronger and hopefully I will be able to live with little or no side effects.

Thank you so much for your help. I feel ok right now. I hope that I can keep this feeling for more than 5 minutes... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Asterix,

Ah the infamous roller coaster, you will be on it for months to come, but have faith in yourself and yes your W. This all can work out and does as long as two people come together with open hearts and a kind spirit.

Your W is missing something very important. She stated she crossed her boundary. It was not a boundary then was it? That is the point. It is not sufficient to have a boundary: "I will NOT do..." What is required is to have a plan to protect that boundary under all conditions. Do you see what I am talking about? If one does not have a plan, the one can be taken unawares and the boundary just becomes a line in the sand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

This stuff does NOT occur overnight, it will takes months for you to heal and your W to fully grasp the and implement her plans to protect HER boundaries. Notice the emphasis on HER boundaries? They are not yours. They may reflect your desires, but they must be HER boundaries that she enthusiastically enforces and protects. You can discuss her plan with her, you could even make suggestions (but you probably know how women respond to such suggestions <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ), but ultimately she must construct the plan and put it in place.

Now that you have been through this you will also realize the wisdom of establishing your own boundaries. Often people think boundaries are defensive. One of yours might become "I will never let my W think she is not loved or cared for." Easy to say ( or at least I think it will be as you heal), but it means nothing without a plan...one that you execute and follow. Do you see what I mean?

Hope so. I am off for travel. Good luck to you and your W.

God Bless,

JL

Something new today and quite emotional - I decided to call the W of the OM and tell her everything. I knew her well and I felt that she also had a right to know. I hesitated a couple of weeks before doing this but I felt that it was the right thing to do - ignorance may be bliss but living an illusion isn't.

I was shaking on the phone and my voice was trembling. She listened to me very calmy even though she hadn't suspected anything. She really kept it together on the phone. I shared the details that I had (timeframes, locations, etc.). They can now put the issues on the table and start their own 'reconstruction'.

I gave her my cell phone number so that she can call me if she needs more information. Not that I have much more to tell her but it may help to have someone to talk to, and why not the other betrayed spouse. It gives us something in common now.

Last night I asked my W how she felt about me contacting the other BS. She told me that she didn't have an opinion one way or the other. At first I wanted to send her a letter but I suspected that the OM would intercept it and his W would never know. My W even said that if I wanted to communicate with the other BS, a letter wouldn't be the best way. I took it as a sign that my W was not opposed to me contacting the other BS. I don't know why, out of honesty and guilt maybe or out of revenge against the OM - not sure.

I feel a bit more at peace inside now, it probably won't last long but I feel like I did the right thing.

You did the right thing. If things stay on track elsewhere you should enjoy the peace for quite awhile. Congratulations and compliments on your good judgement.

You've probably seen this all over MB threads, but I'll repeat it here. If not, it looks a bit odd until you've absorbed it:

To say you love your wife does not mean just romantic receiving kind of love. More fundamentally it means a giving love. An active verb, not a passive one.

To love her is to give your strongest promise to share your compassion and care for her no matter what. To stand at the altar and promise to love her is to say you commit to caring for her, watching over her, and giving your love to her. No conditions.

Love your wife, in that giving sense of the word.

I have the feeling that I've given more thought to my marriage and to my relationship with my wife over the last two weeks since I learned about the affair than over my last 12 years of married life. Funny how those things work.

I have also done a lot more reading on relationships, emotional needs, and love busters. In a way I wish I had known about those things before, and really absorbed them. Now it's a bit reactive maybe but we still have the rest of our lives to get better at it.

Obviously none of this is an excuse for the A and my W realizes that - she accepts full responsibility for what she did and hasn't tried to blame it on something on someone else. She has a lot of work to do herself about setting and managing her boundaries, to ensure that an A never happens again. To tell you the truth it seems that her biggest shock in all this is realizing that she could have an A - I don't think that she ever realized she actually could go through with something like that, that she had it in her. Hence the shame, guilt, and feeling of worthlessness that she has carried since it happened.

My biggest challenge right now is to control my emotions and stabilize my moods. I stil swing from anger and frustration to gentle and loving to depressed and sad. It often doesn't require much of a stimulus to change my mood, either in a positive or negative way. A little smile, a little affection, a little hope for SF and I swing to the gentle/loving 'setting'; a negative comment, feeling ignored, or thinking about them having sex and I swing to 'angry/frustrated'; thoughts about my own pain, desperation, and anxieties about the future and I am at 'depressed/sad'. One evening I think that I experienced all three settings in a matter of a couple of hours. It's obviously difficult for her to be around me when I change this often, she is also worried that something she will say or do will trigger a negative change and it makes her nervous. I am sure that she still has in the back of her head the angry outburst of last week. I really have to get this under control. I was thinking that one way to handle it would be to distance myself from her (i.e. go in a different room or go out) when I am at 'angry/frustrated' as I think that it is the most damaging setting, the one that make me withdraw 'love units' by the shovel. When I am at 'depressed/sad' I actually need some comfort and some reassurance and she has been very good and very patient about that - so I may stick around for that one. Then obviously I should make the most out of 'happy/gentle' which I am hoping, over time, will remain my default setting, allowing me to make many 'deposits' in my love bank account. I should also do a better job at respecting her boundaries for questions on certain topics. The whole 'sexual acts' part of the A remains an untouchable for her. Yet I find myself probing, poking, and touching that subject from time to time. That bothers her as she feels that I am not respecting her limits at this time.

The learning continues...hopefully the healing will start soon.

Dear friends - this is going to be my last post for a few days as I am going on vacation with the whole family, starting tomorrow. I hope that we will come back refreshed, rested, and more hopeful than ever.

It feels a bit weird to go away in those circumstances. Part of me feels that I am letting my wife get away with murder and that the punishment for her affair should be more severe. Yet at the same time I am drawn to working things out and to moving forward, which is pretty much my only option if we want to stay together.

I want to thank you for your support over the last couple of weeks - these threads have not only helped me verbalize my feelings and emotions at this very difficult time of my life but you have also provided valuable insights and a much needed perspective on this whole thing. I will be back online during the week of March 6. Please pray for me.

I will be praying for you. And that you have a nice vacation together, and a healing time. And that you are able to keep your pain from doing further damage beyond what your W has caused, and that you spend a long happy lifetime together. God bless.

I can't believe your wife put you at risk for STDs and you're questioning whether or not you should be with her.

Well I am back online now and back from vacation. It was nice to spend some quality time with my W and the kids but my behavior was unfortunately not ‘optimal’. I tried to do my best at avoiding the topic of the A but unfortunately at times my pain would just be too much to bear and I had to discuss it with her. I had to express my pain and my feelings and I fell a couple of times in the trap of asking her what now seems like trivial questions about the events. She was overall very patient with me and really tried her best to give me a good time. She was also very affectionate with me. She told me that she understood that I had to talk about those things and that she was the one responsible for putting herself in that position. Of course she hates to talk about the A and never brings it up on her own. At best she will try to give me an honest answer to the questions that I ask, or at times she will be so fed up with my line of questioning that she will shut me off for a while. But it always seems to be a painful process for her.

Over the vacation she read the book ‘Surviving an Affair’ and thought that it was good. We also both filled out the ‘emotional needs’ questionnaire and exchanged our answers. Not any real surprises there but it was good to talk about these things and articulate our thoughts.

Yesterday was not a good day either, I really exposed my pain and my feelings, listing all that she had risked and ruined – and she ended up crying on the bed. She was distant for the rest of the day. This morning I was haunted again by thoughts of them together and I was feeling really sick to my stomach, literally noxious. She hugged me and tried to comfort me. We spoke on the phone on our way to work and she was telling me how angry she was at herself for having this A, that she would beat herself up if she could. She also told me that it was very painful for her to see me go through this process, that she was very worried about me and that she wished she knew what to do to help me. She tells me that she knows that she has made a huge mistake and that she will have to live with that for the rest of her life. She completely believes that this was a one-time thing and that it will never happen again. She says that this A caused her the most painful experience of her life and that she never wants to go through that again. As for me I live in the fear that for some reason, at some point in the future, it will happen again, and that she will either leave me or force me to leave her. All of that still surrounded by a lack of trust in her and the memory of this unbelievable betrayal.

Rick7355 - this has to be the least helpful comment so far.

Soon after I spoke to the OM's wife and told her everything, he sent an email to my W basically saying that he was going to try to rebuild what she 'willingly and deliberately' destroyed. He is obviously very angry that my W told me the truth and that eventually I told his W the truth. The 'code of silence' he was probably expecting throughout this A has been broken and he now has to face the consequences of what he participated in.

My W told me right away that she had received the email from the OM - as she had promised that she would if he ever tried to get in touch with her again. She deleted it and didn't respond to it. She is sticking to the NC agreement that we have and she is being honest with me.

This morning I left a message for the OM's W. I really had two objectives in contacting her again: 1) she is someone that I knew well and I want to see how she has been doing since I dropped these news in her lap (it is my concern for how this information was going to affect her and her family that made me hesitate for 2 weeks about telling her about the A), 2) I wonder if the OM confirmed or denied the details that I shared with her. I guess I am also checking my W's story line like this. The OM's W hasn't called me back yet and I don't know if she will. I don't even know if it's a good idea for me to contact her. Checking my W's story line against what the OM will admit is also probably asking for trouble as I am sure that he will try to present this in a way that benefits him, and the he said/she said that could follow would probably be far from being productive and may even derail the healing process. Still I felt compelled to contact her.

Today I also sent to my W a copy of the cause-effect diagram that I spoke about last week. I had modified it this morning based on some of the information and clarifications that she provided this past week. It may sound 'nerdy' to attempt something like this but once again it really helps me structure my thinking and check my assumptions and understanding of the events. I feel that once I am able to firm up my understanding of some of the elements I don't have to perseverate about them and can start moving on, slowly but surely. It's just how my brain works...

I also sent to my W a copy of the short 'guide for WW' that I found on this site. I found some very valuable elements in there, specifically in understanding the point of view of the BS, but also to help the FWW move on. I am hoping that she will find the time to read these materials and hopefully they will be of value to her.

In a bit less than 2 weeks we have our first session with the counselor. I don't really know what to expect from this session or from counseling altogether. I don't even know if he is a good MC or not. I guess that experience will tell. My W and I have also talked about trying to get some counseling from the church, I have actually asked her to look into that and arrange something. I think that adding a spiritual element to our recovery will do us some good, specifically in helping me forgive her, and in helping her forgive herself - both will be needed as we try to move on.

Over the vacation I had her fill out the emotional need questionnaire. The top two emotional needs she came up with were 'affection' and 'family commitment'. She recognized that while 'family commitment' was a need for her she also told me that I was doing a very good job there. I guess that it is really the 'affection' area that will be the challenge. I kind of already knew that before as I believe that this is that lack of affection that caused a big part of the emotional disconnect that we had in the month and possibly year(s) that led to the A. It is going to be extra difficult for me to satisfy that need in the short term given the pain and anger that I am going through right now - but at least I know what I need to focus on and I will make an effort.

At this point I still wish that I could do a better job at managing my emotions and protecting her from my anger, anxieties, and frustrations. I can see how that's affecting the healing process and the recovery in general. I just hope that it will get better with time. As I have said before I also feel that I need her more than ever now. The quantity of time and interactions has drastically increased but the quality is still very poor. Very often the topic ends up being the A or things related to the A. I hope that with time I can keep the quantity but improve the quality.

Astrix,

You are on course, and I really don't think there is anything you can do to speed up the emotional recovery timeline. Just like any wound, time is required, and it will leave a scar.

As for you FWW. All I can tell you given the deed is done. Post D-Day it sounds like your one lucky dude! You are getting alot of things from her in days or weeks, most here only dreamed of after many painful months.

Again, I'm not trying to make what happen to you seem trivial or stay it hasn't been painful, but it truly sounds like she will do whatever is required to get to recovery. I'm a bit jealous.

Good on ya for letting the OMW know the truth.

You next vacation should be in about 6-8 months, and only the 2 of you. I think you will enjoy it much more.