I believe Wellbutrin is for depression and not anxiety. Anxiety drugs are like Paxil, Effexor, Lexapro, Celexa and Zoloft.

Medication for anxiety will calm down your obsessive thoughts if they work well. You shouldn't be a zombie either with the correct medications. It just helps you to concentrate and get focus- not obsess etc. I'm not a doctor but I've been on anxiety meds and I know what it helps for me.

As for what she is to do?? I believe she's doing her best. She's been loving and attentive, she's listened to you yell and be ugly to her about it. She's spent many phone calls and e mails explaining herself to you- she's answered your questions. She's making every attempt at recovery as far as what you've posted.

What else could she do?

She cannot make the affair go away. I know that she would if she could- because I've been there. She'll probably never fully get over the guilt. Yet, there is nothing she can do to erase it no matter what.

I have had some experience with Zoloft when I was treated for panic attacks, along with cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). The situation was different back then, so I don’t know if it could help again or not – I will talk to the MC and go from there. I am not anti-meds per se, but I don’t want to be in a situation where I manage my problems by popping a pill – provided that those symptoms are even due to a chemical imbalance. I think that that’s why I like the CBT approach more back then.

When it comes to surviving the A, there are things that I am doing better and things that I still need to work on.

The questioning is more controlled now than it was in the early phase. I would rate it as ‘improving’. I am more patient, and most importantly more considerate of her feelings on the topic. I have also developed a much better appreciation for the right place, right time, and right mood aspects of the context. Not that it’s exemplary but it’s getting better and I think that it will rapidly become a non-issue.

One thing that I am not proud of is my ‘acting’. When I am in bed with her, in the morning or evening, I will act anxious, stressed, depressed, sad, panicky – not that I don’t feel like that but I will literally bring it to a theatrical level that she just can’t ignore – so that she will be affectionate with me, will give me attention, and will try to comfort me. I guess it’s a way to make her feel sorry for me but also to punish her by reminding her of what I am going through because of her. I would put in the same category the arguments that I try to start when she is about to fall asleep – yet another cry for attention, another attempt to ‘bother’ her. I am really not proud of this and I want to stop doing it. Reality is tough enough that I really shouldn’t have to add an element of fiction to it.

Then there is the issue of sex. I have had more sex since D-Day that probably over the last 6 months. My sexual appetite has not increased – but now my W seems more willing to satisfy it. I have enjoyed that aspect but now I am not so sure. It seems to me that she is using sex as a way to ‘calm me down’ – here I am sure that you see the vicious circle that it’s creating with my ‘acting’. Now I find myself ‘acting’ in the hope of having sex – with sex the ‘acting’ stops, without sex the ‘acting’ continues and often worsens. This is creating an unhealthy environment that I need to address very quickly.

The first step in stopping those destructive behaviors is to recognize them and understand their potential consequences. This is where I am right now. The key now is to control my emotions and impulses to prevent them from happening. Basically my challenge is to get what I want out of our relationship (i.e. love, attention, affection, compassion, sexual fulfillment, etc.) without playing those ‘games’. Any suggestions?

Using sex to calm you down? Sounds like a plan to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

The suggestion of meds is for a temporary period of time. Given that you have had anxiety issues before I suspect it is something you should look into.

Do ONE thing if she is giving you sex to calm you down. Make sure SHE enjoys it. I mean really really make sure she enjoys it. You have no idea how this will help her, AND help you.

Please do talk to your MC about the meds.

God Bless,

JL

I agree with JL. Your anxiety is being kicked into high gear because of the A. Sometimes that happens when someone has suffered from anxiety and is under more severe than normal everyday stress.

Your wife probably knows SF is soothing to you right now and wants to do anything to fix everything. I think that's a natural reaction considering she's not in withdrawal.

If you're both enjoying SF I say it's a good way to mend your relationship! Enjoy!

Im so sorry to hear about your ordeal. I found out about my husbands affair Oct. 28, 2005. He also ended the 3 month long affair and wanted me to stay and was very sorry. Our marriage was also not the best. We were also distant. Not spending enough time together, not letting our marriage be a priority. He was also intimate with her. I did ask details and he told me everything. I wished that I never asked. Now that I am furhter along in my healing I see why that has made this process harder. It most definatlety made being intimate harder. I did not want him to do anything with me that he did with her. He could not touch me in certain ways or do certain things. The fact is that they had sex, and how they did it doesn,t matter and won't change anything. it will only make your healing harder. I speak from experience.

Asterix, I know exactly what you're going through. I found out this weekend that my wife has been having an affair for 6 months and my head hasn't stopped spinning. I'm feeling sickening emotions I never knew existed.

I read your original post and felt relieved (isn't that strange?) that my experience is almost exactly the same and I'm not alone - even though I've never felt so alone.

The one exception to the similarity between our experiences is that I actually know all the sex acts they have done together. Through my investigations, I recovered all the email she thought she had deleted, and all the gory graphic details were there in black and white. What made it worse is that she was doing things with this man that she had never wanted or desired to do with me in all our 17 years of marriage. Things that she knew I would have loved to share with her. This fact alone has almost destroyed me.

I love my wife and can't imagine life without her. I can come to terms with the causes of the affair, working it out, rebuilding the marriage, but the one thing I will have enormous difficulty with is this issue of sexual behaviour. If she had made love to him the same way she made love to me, it would be more bearable.

So, should you know what sexual acts were performed? Right now I'd have to say no. I wish I hadn't read the emails as it makes me sick to my stomach, and could potentially scupper any chance of rebuilding the marriage. Sometimes it really is best not to know.

I'm impressed that you realize these behaviors and see that they can slow the recovery. Here's one suggestion. When you feel an acting urge come over you, act a different way. Humble. Apologetic. Loving. You can do it.

Think of some way you've wronged your WW. Ever yell at her? Lie to her? Look at another woman?.. If you're like me, you've wronged her in some way. Concentrate on that, and act humble and repentent for your own bad behavior. We are all God's children. We all fall short of his expectations, and by his Grace are forgiven.

Coachswife – Yes overall the SF has helped – it's a way to reconnect and to feel close to each other. The thing I need to watch is how I handle rejection. Usually that doesn't go well and it ends up being a source of stress between us. She sometimes wonders how I will react when she says no...It is something she has actually asked me to 'think about'.

ovdbythree – details are indeed a double-edge sword, I am finding that out as well. Yet I still think that my imagination has a tendency to be worse than reality. I imagine their relationship as the best Hollywood romance and their love-making as a XXX film – based on some of the comments that my W has made so far I am starting to realize that it probably wasn't the case. In any case I rather know exactly what happened rather than keep wondering. I haven't been able to get many details out of my W, she completely avoids the topic and has often completely shut me down when I bring it up. At this time I still have a log of questions that remain unanswered.

Molari – I know exactly what you mean by the 'sickening emotions'. Whenever the thought of them together invades my mind I literally get sick to my stomach – it's an unbearable feeling – still completely in shock that my W would actually go through with something like this (to tell you the truth I think that she is even in shock that she did it). A strange thing between the FOM and my W is that they apparently never discussed what happened afterwards. They had sex for a week (and 'fooled around' for a few weeks before that) then they each moved to another state. They kept calling each other on the phone but apparently never discussed their feelings for each other, never discussed the affair itself, never discussed the sex, bottom line it's almost as if nothing had ever happened. It's almost as if the A was supposed to be a purely physical thing, with no strings attached – some kind of sick 'friends with benefits' scenario. So for me there has been a total lack of evidence about this A and if my W hadn't admitted to it, I would probably have never known. The few sexual details I have are those that she shared with me, other than that I really have nothing. It is actually something that bothers me – she literally decides what she will tell me and what she will not tell me – determining what helps and what doesn't – what 'serves a purpose' and what doesn't – in this I feel that the balance of power hasn't been re-established. She did make comments like 'the sex was nothing exceptional', 'we didn't do things that we haven't done before', etc – nothing that really helps but it also tells me that my XXX-scenarios probably didn't happen. All in all that makes me feel better – but so little. In any case, I wish you good luck – the few weeks since D-Day have been difficult and I am sure that I am far from being out of the woods but apparently some people survive this – hopefully you and I will some day have success stories to share with other BS's. Keep posting on this site, it has really helped me

Weneedhelp – last night I really had to control myself – no acting, no faking, and trying to minimize my 'late night attacks'. At one point I just got up and went to watch some TV (stayed up until pretty late,to the point of exhaustion so that I could lay down and fall asleep right away), it was better than trying to lay next to her and having to constantly control my emotions. So all in all I did a good job but I was really hurting inside, really stressed out, a lot of anxiety, and a lot of pain. She offered to hug me and to hold me but I did feel like it so I declined. In the morning she came next to me and offered to hold me again, this time I accepted.

asterix I'm happy to hear you were able to control yourself. Please know that it will get better. Really it will.

Let it get better. Make room for her mistake. We know that we are all prone to error. That means that even those closest to us can hurt us terribly. That doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. She does. And it doesn't mean you have to suffer for a long period of time. It just means that, like all of us, she can make really huge mistakes. Please forgive her, and ask her forgiveness for the things you have done to her.

The devil on my shoulder is always whispering 'Pride' in my ear. The angel is whispering 'Humility' and 'Forgiveness'. With the help of good people here the angels are winning. Make that happen for you!

Forgiveness takes strength. It's not for wimps. A friend here pointed this out to me; in hopes it will help you as well: "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Phil 4:13)

If you have room on your bookshelf, take a look at "What's so Amazing about Grace" by Yancey. It should give you strength to forgive.

Astrix,

Something you mentioned that caught my eye.


My A 9 years ago was conducted 3 months before I was to move 500 miles away. Looking back I feel this was a huge factor in allowing myself to carry out the A. Knowing I had an open door to walk out only a few months away.

Post deleted by maril

Maril,



I was posting to Astrix, and only mentioning a fact of my A that I had not recognized prior to now. In otherwords thinking out loud. I guess I just don't understand who you are refering to when you say "us"?

In a previous post you said:


Then you say this:


Today I read your post, and can only scratch my head. Trying to figure out just what it is you are looking for.

Me personally I have been both betrayer, and betrayed. Because the pain I have felt being betrayed. I can say "I have learned my lesson".

I can also say I accept my share of the responsibility in contributing to both My FWW's A, and my own.

Are you at all responsible for your H's A?

Why, or HOW could you not feel guilt for having an A shortly after your M?

I guess my question to you is this: What is it you are looking for, and who's responsiblity is it to achive your goal?

I would also recommend you start your own thread.

Astrix, Sorry for the thread jack.

JKT,
thanks for the lesson. I was actually looking for advice. I will remove my post.

Post deleted by maril

I am currently traveling for business in Europe. These times away from home have been especially difficult since D-day. Traveling time and lonely evenings and nights at the hotel give me a lot of time to think about the events, and they usually build quite a bit of anxiety in me. This translates in me calling my W and having arguments with her over the phone. The same thing happened yesterday – to the point that I ended up almost screaming at her. She called me back a few times later in the day and we spoke some more – much milder conversations but literally no content – just plain chit-chat. I just feel so much anger in me right now, to the point that I feel uncomfortable being close to her and affectionate with her. I even find it hard to tell her that I love her. I feel that I am entering another emotional phase right now. Maybe this is the ‘anger’ stage of the grieving process. At first I had separation anxiety, felt like I needed to be next to her all the time, was desperate for her affection (hugs, kisses, SF), and I was literally pursuing her. No I feel very different, almost detached.

Last weekend I went to the counselor for my one-on-one session – next week we are back together. The session went well, I have the feeling that I could have talked for hours, one hour was not enough. We decided that I should bring my ‘questions about the A’ to the next session. I will let the MC facilitate that and see where it leads.

Hi Asterix,

If your anywhere near Geneva, I'll buy you a beer.

CuriosityKilledTheCat - Actually I am the one in beer country, namely Munich, come here and "I" will buy you a beer! Take care.

Last night was tough again – I ended up arguing with my W over and over again (over the phone from Europe) – spattering my pain all over the place and desperately trying to drag out a piece of information out of her. I am in a very angry period right now: how could she do that to me, she ruined my life, etc. When I am this angry I find that I will fall back in the vicious circle of asking her questions about the A, as a way to get back at her and to hurt her like she has hurt me. My W stood her ground and refused to give in, she would not answer a single question about the A, and especially nothing related to their physical relationship. She kept telling over and over that we needed help to go over those questions and that I should bring them to our MC this coming Friday (this is also what the MC and I agreed to do the last time I saw him). I cannot tell how you much that frustrated me and that frustration made me even angrier. When I get like that I really have to watch it because I could very easily say things that I would regret later – basically trying to retaliate for the pain and frustration that I feel. After we hung up, I ended up falling asleep, praying.

Today I feel different – obviously I still feel sad and broken but I also completely feel burnt out on the topic of the A. Today it is the last thing I was to discuss. I was actually going over my list of questions this morning and I had to stop because I felt that it was so boring, I just didn’t want to have to deal with that today. I closed the file and I haven’t looked at it since. I don’t know how the rest of the day will go – I am a bit afraid of the lonely evenings in my hotel rooms, when my mind has so much space and time to wander.

If possible I would really like to hear more and more stories of successful recoveries, if possible stories that include a BH and FWW (easier to identify). This is because sometimes I feel so hopeless, thinking that my life is ruined and that I will never be happy again. Those stories could help me envision a better future.

strange how many of us are so close together. I live only 2 hours from Munich.
I have been reading your post, I wish you the best of luck and hope you can find it in your heart to forgive your wife and move forward. Both of you deserve the happiness you seek in each other...

Oh Asterix.. We posted our last thoughts at the same time. I am a FWW and have been reading your thread evrey time I log on bewcause I have so much hope for you two. Maybe reading mine will give you a peek into what yous wife may be feeling at the time. It may be totally different because the type of A was different but some of the things she says that you write here mirror my feelings. THERE IS HOPE!!! I think the process is taking longer for you than it does for some but the fact that you are still trying says something. I was beyond relieved to see you say that you were finally burnt out on the details and questioning. I think that is a HUGE milestone that your wife needs you to reach so that you can move forward in your recovery....