The low S drive is also being affected probably by the AD's. But not only that, WE ARE EMOTIONALLY tired of all this. We spending all our energy, when things calm a bit we just go down.

I beleive I already read somewhere about the "anger" stage appearing at different times with different intensities.

Then, I beleive right after d-day and until somewhere in the development of the situation, we tend to "fight" for our spouses... then depending on them or how it goes, and after or with the 'anger" stage we kind of realize - "Why the h##l am I doing here if He/she did something so horrible, etc, we begin to feel disapointed with them...

Guess that's why the Experts here keep saying, Recovery depends a lot on the BS.

If we want R, we need to fight for the final goal and put all this aside, as much as we can. (I am there, I know how hard it is)

Asterix, on your situation, I understand what you mean by the waiting for her to come... but believe it... when she will notice you're not in to it... she will wander.(How long? a month? few weeks? don't know)

You don't need to tell her how you feel that way... you just need to tell her you're not feeling like it. It's hard for you after all that happened, something soft, she knows you, she will get it.

I hope there will be a time (maybe not so soon) where she will WANT to satisfy you.

The books I talk about are specific about S between a couple, most like "how to keep intimacy S hot while parenting yourng kids, stuff like that.

Check that web page I told you before. They are from Doctor's, psycologits, etc. www.women.com

Many written for women in this kind of situation.

I'll try to searh for some tittles and get back to you.

BE patient and hope for a good future. Unfortunately it's in the hurt BS hand to make most of the work... or at least initiate it.

Dont get distant from her, she will beleive it's a continuation of the SF issue and will make it worst.

I do indeed feel that R depends a lot on the BS. The problem is that sometimes I still wonder what I really want. Some days I am convinced that I want R, I look at the A in the greater context on my M and I tell myself that I shouldn’t let this one-time A ruin everything – this “thinking mode” affects my behavior in a positive way: I am nicer to my W, more affectionate, more positive about the future. Other days I am overwhelmed by the A and I tell myself that my M is doomed – this other “thinking mode” affects me in a negative way: I am more distant, more abrasive, and usually more verbally aggressive (snide remarks, etc). In this negative mode I often tell myself that I should keep an eye out for another mate and just stay with my W until I find someone better. Triggers or the slightest negative change in my W’s behavior, tone, or body language can make me go from positive mode to negative mode. On the other hand if my W is affectionate or if I sense a deep remorse then I can go from negative to positive. This being said those constant changes are emotionally taxing for me. They are difficult for my W as well as she obviously experiences all the side effects. I wonder what it will take for me to really “make up my mind” and stick to my decision: stay in M or leave. Is it normal to still be hesitant like this more than three months post D-Day? How does one make up their mind? Should I just wait and see, will the decision come to me, is there a way to rationalize one decision or the other?

Hey, I feel that hesitancy now, and it's been just over a year since D-Day. Three months - you're just started on the recovery journey. After a few really good days between us, today I find myself leaning once again towards separation, because of something that happened between my FWW and I last night.

I've made myself a promise - if I go a whole month thinking that separation is the best option for both of us, I will propose it to my FWW. I'm not going to propose it while my feelings are going back and forth like this.

ManInMotion – what about your W? Is she also going back and forth between R and separation or is she fully committed to R? In your case I wonder what it means to still hesitate between R and separation one year post D-Day. Is it because you’ve never forgiven her for what happened? Is it because you haven’t been able to come to “accept” the A? Or is it perfectly normal to sit on the fence for that long? In a way I wonder if this sitting on the fence is compatible with R. How can we make the efforts to recover, change, and meet our W’s EN’s when our commitment to R is so unstable, and going through so many ups and downs? How can we live with our W when her ‘credit in our love bank’ is so limited that at the first misstep she goes in the red and we immediately think about separation? How can she even expect to be happy in an environment where her mistake is never forgiven and much less forgotten? Those questions are as much for you as they are for me. I am just concerned that 9 months from now I will still be emotionally at the same place, still hesitant about my life, and possibly wasting some precious moments.

She tells me that she's committed to R, though she has wavered from time to time. However, her definition of "committed" is apparently quite different to mine.



None of the above. If anything, it's because I get the feeling that I'll never be "good enough" for my FWW. Her two As and her reactions towards me in our attempts at R are reinforcing this feeling for me.




All normal after only three months, I think. Now, one year after D-Day, I think a lot less about the A, and a lot more about how we feel about each other NOW. I'm failing to fill her LB, and she's failing to fill mine - perhaps we really were not meant to be together.



You will eventually forgive her if she earns that forgiveness. And while you may not forget, eventually there will be a lot less emotional attachment to the memories. Think of your last bad accident. You can remember it, but it's quite likely you don't feel the hurt again. Same thing here.



I had the same concerns, btw. How about talking it over with your FWW to see what steps you can take to ensure that you're not in the same place, 9 months from now?

Asterix, I guess, or am I just realizing that that's where our strenght has to focus.

We, BS, have to work on a goal agreed with the S, we have to think about the future, and stick to it no matter what.

When the dark days or the hurt surfaces we have to be srtong enough to overcome it. We have to turn on to positive thinking. We can't let doubt about the future of a happy M drag us down.

Mostly we can't fear Recovery, we can't wander it it will be worthed. We have to fully dadicate to R.

Make it a rational decision, a hard project you have to acomplish no matter what.

The A has taken its toll on our professional lives as well. As for me it has really been a struggle to concentrate on my work since D-Day. I have spent more time visiting sites like this one, snooping into my W’s voice mail and email system, and thinking about the A overall, than I have spent on my actual work. I have been very worried about that, worried about the perception of my boss, and even worried that I could eventually lose my job over this. The last couple of weeks have been a bit better though, I have found a project that I could really sink my teeth in and it’s enabling me to have a few productive hours during the day. But it’s still a struggle.

As for my W, it hasn’t been a walk in the park either. Yesterday one of her supervisors commented that she wasn’t “aggressive” enough and that it was hurting her performance. She has been very worried about that comment. This morning she was telling me that she has been consumed by the A since she started her new job (the PA took place a week before she started the new job). The constant feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, and thoughts that I would leave her once I found out took their tool on her performance and her ability to concentrate. Since D-Day it has been compounded by a lot of turmoil at home. I have also been contacting her during business hours quite a bit, either calling her on the phone sharing my concerns, talking about my pain, my anxieties, my fears. In the first few weeks after D-Day, I would even call you to question her about the A or yell at her. I have also sent her emails, etc. Those calls have been very distracting to her as well. At times she would cry on the phone (while at work) and obviously it has been difficult for her to pick herself up after that and ‘perform’. At first I have to admit that I considered that it was the price that she had to pay for what she did to me, what she did to us. Obviously I felt that my professional performance was affected and therefore I considered that the collateral damage that it was causing to hers was perfectly normal. She was the one who created this situation and therefore she should expect some consequences. Now I am starting to feel different about this. I have actually told her that I would no longer call her at work to discuss my ‘moods’. It’s just way too distracting for her and if her professional performance is affected, it will affect the whole family, not just her.

Hello Asterix,

I am facing the same problems, and I am also at risk of loosing my job.
My H doing much better at work, but he could be better.

Guess as we move into Recovery we realize how hard it is... not only we have to deal with the mess in the M but we have to deal with everything else affected by the A.

I really wander if any WS have ever even though about the big MESS an A can create. I wander if they would ever had done it.

I feel happy you two discussed it and are supporting each other on this.

As I am slowly approaching D-Day + 4 months, I wanted to provide a little update on my situation. I guess that overall I am feeling a bit better. My W and I are actually getting along better now than we have in a long time (she says so herself). If anything, I visit this site much less often than before. I am able to concentrate on my job a bit better too and I feel less ‘obsessed’ about the A or about snooping on my W. I still check her email system every now and then but I think that now it’s more out of curiosity than anything else. I finally believe that the A is over (as well as her ‘feelings’ for the OM) – and therefore there is less motivation for me to check on her all the time, thinking that I would catch her red-handed in a communication with the OM. This being said, part of me is still hyper vigilant and it doesn’t take much for me to worry when I don’t know where she is or if I see her chatting with male friends of ours. A minimal amount of trust has been reestablished; enough for me to go through my day without an unbearable level of anxiety, but obviously not enough to completely let my guard down. But overall there has been a noticeable improvement.

I think that my W feels more comfortable around me as well. My moods have been more stable. I have also been nicer and more affectionate with her, and I probably seem a bit happier as well. On the SF front things seem to go a bit better as well. This weekend she initiated SF twice. During the week I initiated once, was turned down, but I took it well and didn’t make a big deal out of it (that’s an improvement!). I have also been less anxious at night when we get to bed, I haven’t started any big discussions on my mental state or emotions related to the A and I think that overall it has helped us relax. We will often fall asleep cuddling or holding hands, that’s nice.

I also feel much less compelled to call her at work during the day to talk about my emotions or feelings. Actually I can now go entire days without calling her, and if I do it is to chit-chat but not to discuss anything related to the A. I am sure that this change has also been great for her as well.

So overall things are better for me now but I am not out of the woods yet. The A still invades my day and my mind from time to time, a lot more often than I would like. Those thoughts are not as debilitating as they used to be but they are still very painful. Triggers are still present, a bit less sensitive than before, but they are still fairly potent.

So four months post D-Day, this is my report. I am taking it one day at a time, I still don’t know how things will work out in the long run but I am able to function, and “normalcy” (if there is such a thing) is slowly finding its way back into my life.

Glad to hear you feel some normalcy back into your life.

I came across this thread and though you and maybe your W would like to read it.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3035161

Yo asterix haven't heard from you in a while. How's it going, mate?