Yesterday I made the mistake of speaking to OM. I had to approach him for a work issue and he took the opportunity to whisper softly, "please stop this, why do you have completely ignore me, can't you at least say Goodmorning and Goodnight, it's killing me". I said it has to be this way and besides things sound great with you and I'm happy for you, he said "no, things are the same, I'm just trying to act at work, I'm only home for my son and counseling is not helping yet". I dropped it and walked away. <P>When I got home my husband had another bad day at work and he actually had to attend a meeting last night. It was quite but there is alot of tension. I took the opportunity to go visit my family and start to open the door to them that I'm having serious maritial problems. I've never discussed any problems with them and when we're there together we always act like everything is fine. They know my husband very well and know about his temper, etc. They also commented last night to be careful not to make him too angry in fights, to just leave and come there.<P>Everyone was very supportive, as I knew they would be, and of course they mentioned counseling and to try and stay married. My parents are very old fashioned, old school Italians. They suspected I didn't have any children yet because of my husband, and believe me up until this point, because my mother asked always when she was going to be grandmother, it was very difficult to say "We're not ready". They knew from the past that my husband treats me disrepectfully with name calling, etc. but they weren't aware it had continued all this time. My mother said "the most important thing in a marriage is respect". Then she said "you know every man has something, noone is perfect, it's what you can live with, as long as you still love eachother you can work through anything." She asked if I still love him, I hestitated and said "yes, but it's different". My mom looked at me and said "whatever you do, don't you ever go to another man being married, that is not right, if you are that unhappy, get divorced now". I said "no mom, don't worry." Then she said "you think your dad is perfect, he's not, I almost left him so many times when you kids were little, but I stayed for you and your sisters". My dad really didn't say too much, he only commented on the kid issue and said I shouldn't have any if I'm not going to have his 100% support and he was afraid he I did, my husband would blame me for money problems, restrictions on his hobby, etc. He also agreed that he's like a big kid who doesn't want to grow up and he's never satisfied with anything, he's very negative, never looks at the positive, how much he has and should be thankful for. I told them how he agreed to having children if he could still retire at 55, save $1000.00 a month, and go on a $4000.00 hunting trip in 2 years. He commented that he didn't even know how he'd pay the mortgage some months when we were little but it didn't matter, he wanted us and he always managed.<P>It felt good to talk to them and get things off my chest. I know I am always welcome at home.<P>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited September 30, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited September 30, 1999).]

I wish I could have spoken to my family about my husband's infidelity. They love him very much though and treat him like a son. They would be devastated and I just couldn't do that to them or him. They are also the kind to hold a grudge and that would not be very healthy toward keeping our marriage together. It is hard pretending everything is okay though. You are so lucky to have a family you can be completely honest with. I hope they remain supportive in whatever you decide to do. Good Luck!

Sounds like you had a really good conversation with your parents. My dad just recently had a talk to me about infidelity because my sisters husband recently had an affair and they are now divorced. It was as if my dad knew what I was doing...I'm sure he did, I just don't know how.<P>Your being very strong avoiding the OM...I don't know if I could do it (working with him and all). It sounds like you are really evaluating your marriage without involving the OM in the mix...stick to that.

Hummingbird, you sound so much better than last week, I am glad. You truly had me worried about you, I am glad you are thinking things through without the OM, this will make your thoughts more of the mind than the heart( the heart isn't always sensible! ) Please keep us posted. Once, my mother said of my first marriage, you made your bed and now you have to lay in it. I laid in that first marriage until I was 82 pounds, 1/2 dead and didn't give up. My first husband was verbally, mentally and finally physically abusive to me and I took it because my mother said those words to me. When I finally left my first husband and flew home she came to the airport and picked me up. She didn't recognize me. I walked up and hugged her and cried for 3 hours that I couldn't stay in that bed she told me to. She didn't realize how bad things were until I got off that plane and now to this day she regrets having said anything like that to me. Don't let your parents opinion stand in your way of doing what is right for you....if you feel you can work things out with your H then do so, but don't let your parents make that decision for you, they don't know the whole situation. I know your situation is the same but I feel you might understand what I am saying. God Bless, I am still praying for you.<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

My husband was so bent out of shape during one of our many arguments where I kept insisting that he was lying to me and where he kept denying it (it almost turned physical, he grabbed me and shook me) then he dialed my mother's phone number and told her that he could no longer handle this situation with me (she had no idea----I was keeping everything hush and quiet--she only knew that<BR>he was always in a bad mood---was shocked to hear about the affair). He admitted to her that the affair was over one year ago (a lie, of course)...she could not believe it....my family is also Italian (right from Italy, and so am I, but I came when I was very young)....my husband is from Italy also...My mother got on the phone with me and told me to hang in there, for the children....she reminded me that I am 9 years younger than he is, that I am a physically attractive woman....told me to make myself even more physically attractive, not to forget the make-up and pretty much fight fire with fire with the other W. She told me not to give up, for now---she gave me support----she said --- give him a chance to straighten out ----- if he doesn't----- there are options later. Are there any other women other there of Italian heritage, married to oversexed Italian men ?<BR>I say, do not trust Italian men, they are different....they are brought up thinking that having another woman on the side is the thing to do....but the year 2000 is only days away....women who used to take this 30,40,50 years ago no longer are obligated to --- there is freedom out there.... maybe they never had a choice, but modern women do. Any thoughts ?

My mom is only 51 but acts like she's 80. My father is the boss, my mom's role was to stay home and raise children, that's just the way it is. I've always said my father is the greatest father but a terrible husband. My mom pours his drink, puts salt on his dinner, ets. <P>Me and my sisters have had suspicions over the years that our father has had affairs but could never confirm anything concrete. My mom has even made comments that OK for the man to because men are like that, it doesn't mean anything, just sex, but a woman should never because it's more emotional for us.

It is nice you had this time with your family and they seem to have a pretty good handle on your situation.<P>I had to almost laugh at what your mother said. I always say, all men are quirky. It just depends on what quirks you can live with and those you can not and choose a man that only has quirks you can live with.<P>I think you handled the OM very very well. He is trying to play you. He does not have your best interest in mind by trying to keep you emotionally tangled in any way. He does not have the best interest of his marriage in mind either. And if he is so concerned about his son, then he does not seem strong enough to do what is right, no matter what it takes. He's only trying to be a hero...I tried and tried so hard...but I just couldn't make it work with your mom. Gag. You don't want a weanie that. His slicked back hair sounds icky, too.<P>That's another thing I tell my daughters. Don't trust a man that spends to much time with his hair.<P>Anyway...you're moving forward. Don't you have a counselor's appointment tonight? Are you ready for that?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Yes, I do have counseling tonight. Thanks for hair comment, it really helped.<P>Holly: I read on another thread about you calling OM and hanging up shaking. Believe me after I walked away I was shaking. Just that little contact does so much, he definitely is my unhealthy addiction.<P>My husband is actually going out with his hunting buddies tonight to a hunting store, the season starts this Saturday. <P>He hasn't said anything about going with me since last week when I was quite about what was discussed. He seems OK with me going alone. The counselor actually called me to say she definitely doesn't feel we're ready for maritial counseling, I have too many issues and suggested I say we're discussing my family background for at least a few more sessions or until I'm not so deep in withdrawal about OM.<P>I agree her main concern is my happiness, she is not focusing on marriage vows, til death do you part, etc. But I do feel comfortable with her. She told me to focus on why I still love my husband. I feel I have so many issues in my marriage but I do realize that withdrawal is inflaming everything.<P>I ask myself "maybe I'm going crazy, I know every couple has problems but mine seem so bad, I don't know what I want, I'm afraid to tell him the truth about the OM for fear he'll kill me, he's jealous, possessive, calls me names unjustly, has never fully trusted me or woman in general, since his mother had an affair, I feel I've walked on eggshells with him for years now, doesn't really want children, and I feel I was very young when we married, we're growing apart, don't want the same things out of life, and even though I understand the different stages of love, I don't feel that connection with him I had with OM and I want that back. I feel the negatives outweight the positives in my relationship. <P>My father just called me and as I had feared is very upset with my husband, he said "I always had a feeling things weren't the greatest for you and I even told your mother, she looks so happy all the time, never complains about anything, I hope everything is O.K. with them". He said "now I now my feelings were correct." I said "Please don't act differently towards him, now, I'm not sure what to do". He said he wouldn't but reassured me again I can always come home, he wants me to try but he also wants me to be happy.<P>He said "me and your mother worked so hard to give you everything you ever needed and to be happy, now that your adult I feel so sad to hear your not". <P>

Hummingbird, you are so lucky to have a father so supportive! It sounds as though he wants you to make your own decisions for yourself but he will stand by you either way! What a great blessing you have....... I often wish my parents had been more like that. I hope all goes well at counselling and I am sorry if it sounded as though I was putting you in my shoes earlier, that wasn't my intention, I just wanted you to know that sometimes listening to your parents can go too far. You are much more sensible than I am or that I was at that point in my life. God Bless and good luck tonight!

Chicks,<P>I understand. My father is more understanding than my mom. My mom is the more "old fashioned". I have a closer relationship with my dad. Me and my mom having difficulty getting along at times. <P>It is hard speaking to my parents, even though I am an adult, I don't want to let them down and have them think less of me. They weren't 100% behind me and my husband marrying and even though they would never say "I told you so", I feel they're thinking that.

Hummingbird, I feel the same way about my own parents (not wanting to let them down) and it makes me distance myself at times and be less than completely truthful. In fact I should think of that when my H does the same thing to me.<P>And you might be right, they might be thinking that, but as a parent, I would bet they are sharing your pain and feel powerless to really help.<P>You wish to protect your children, but you can not protect them from the natural consequences of their actions.<P>However, you love them, regardless and you want to be there for them, regardless. It's unconditional love and it is great to see your parents have that and are extending it.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

H'bird - <P>Hi! You mentioned that your folks don't know about your now ended affair. I assume that your H DOES know.<P>Could it be that your H is reacting to the knowledge of the affair and that your folks are misinterpreting his (non)actions for something else? Is it really fair that your parents are "judging" him harshly but don't know what he's going through? I don't think you want to allow a wedge to be driven between your H and your parents.<P>I told everyone in my family and my W's family immediately after disclosure. In the long run, if we ever get back together (seems unlikely), it may cause problems but I feel that my need for support outweighed her need for secrecy.