Knew he was seeing an old friend he had a crush on since he was a child. but couldnt prove it. Was going on for 10 years. He denied it, only said he went there 1 time to see her with his sister. I knew better.He started drinking more, hitting on me had to go to domestic violence classes. We had spilt up and went back together again. Still denieing he was over there more than once. 2 years passed dug more he had been going over there when I was at work. Times he said he slept in his truck cause he was drunk. Found out he slept in her house.Found out he worked on her house (she is divorced). Went to talk to her she knew he cared for her says she told him it was only infacuation he told her there could be more. She says they never had sex.I dont believe this. Confronted hubby on all this, he still says nothing happened,that he was only over there now 6 times, that he worked on her house cause he felt sorry for her and he was there to talk to her about our marriage. I had asked him why he doesn`t go over there anymore he stated.. because he felt she was using him for doing things around the house. She told me...She said to my hubby if you are gonna be like that dont come around anymore(meaning sexual things) I compare what they both say, some things dont match up. he just can`t be honest with me and get this out in the open so we can move on. This marriage has only been based on lies and cheating. But he still states he loves me and doesnt want us to divorce. There will never be trust. Last time I spoke to her she said,Nothing sexual went on and that her and him were friends and if he went to jail again she would bail him out again!!! And that I should let it go! And not divorce him! It`s a shame the more I talk to her the more I find out. I just wish he would be honest, what is he affraid of I have been with him for 30 years and have been through everything with him.

I'm not sure what your looking for here. Caption line doesn't seem to jive with rest of your post. My male view on cheating.....It's a horrible thing to do to someone you love. It creats havoc on all lives involved. It also changes all involved. Emotional upheaval is how i've been for 6 months.

Maybe my title is wrong, why can`t he be honest with me when he knows I have talked with her. He still insists they were just friends.Why still the lies

I have read no concrete proof of an affair. I'm not saying you're wrong or taking sides. It does sound fishy though. They have their stories and sticking to them. happens all the time. I'm here to talk if you need.........

All I know when you lie you are hiding something. I cannot and will not believe when you are seeing someone off and on that a
love relation does not happen with both parties.He had many chances to tell the truth in that 10 year span and chose not to. I had asked him many times throughout those 10 years if he was going over there. He said no.Coming home with his boots unlaced, different shirt on ect saying he slept in his truck.that was something he had never done. I asked her why didnt you call me and tell me to come get my H. She said your H said you didnt want him home.My My you couldnt get that man to come home. Shes just as much at fault as he is. He is a man that always wanted his cake and eat it too at the expense of his wife and children. I cannot see going on with this marriage any longer no use.

10 yrs worth. I am very sorry for you and your children. What would you do if you were not afraid? Thats the best advice I have read on this board to date.

He says he does`nt want a divorce,he is doing better as far as emotional needs, but one he is not fulfilling is Honesty. I think he is in denial himself about seeing her as often as he did and his feelings for her.He knows that this is my main emotional need but still will not admit to any affairs he has had in the past years. And in order for me to go on I need everything out in the open. I will let this go for a bit to let him think more, but will talk to him again and try to get him to come clean.

Just to give you a very short answer to your question.

He knows that he's done wrong. Whether it is a PA (very likley with this long a period) or an EA he knows he should not have been doing this. WS's will go to great lengths to avoid having to take responsibilites for their actions. Before he can be honest with you he will have admit to himself that he has done wrong! WS's are notorious for avoiding honesty.

I think you've already figured out that talking to the OW and WS doesn't get you very far. Neither will admit to any wrongdoing and will usually put a story together to "reassure" you that nothing is going on. That way they can continue their A in peace.

Stay Strong!

The OW did tell me he spent the nite at her house which he denied till I let him know she told me. He knows I talk to her and compare what they say, still I know she isnt telling all. She states she is reborn again and is not a homewrecker to which I said you letting him come over all those years has wrecked my home.She states she had come by my home twice to tell me and my hubby to go to church. I said you should have called me when he was at your house drunk and so on. No answer there.......lol

Read H a letter last nite that someone wrote to WS`S. Asked H if he thought he had cheated on me. He had to think about that for a minuete and said no. So I explained to him it was cheating, that if he lied to me about seeing her he knew it was wrong and IT was cheating.There has been others. I asked him am I the only person he had sex with in the last 30 years no answer,I gave him time to answer and he never did. I also wrote a letter telling how I feel and how if we try to mend this marriage he needs to get this in the open to move on. I read it to him he just smiled and said did you write that.I said yes. I gave him plenty of time to answer me. No answer came. I spent the nite in my daughters room. I think there is where I will stay.I can`t afford to leave this house as I stayed home all these years and tended kids. But I will get on my feet and leave. I know its no use. Im soooooo tired. This morning before he left for work he says he loves me and the children. (shaking my head)

What still bothers me is we live so close to her and he runs into her every once in awhile at stores ect. She told me one day when I called her to ask her questions, your H was in here this morning told me what car he was driving to get coffee. H said I didnt know you worked here. H did`nt tell ME he ran into her. I told him what I knew, he said he didnt want to tell me because he thought I might get angry. No dice.I believe he knew she worked there and he went to her store to tell her NOT to tell me things ect. The reason for this is because h`s nephew knew she had worked there for 6 years! It`s been 5 years that I know of since he was last visiting her. Their so called FRIENDSHIP lasted for 12?
Even though H is coming straight home form work, not going out at nite, more attentive to me and really working on our marriage I am still bothered I have told him I hate all this. Living so close and knowing he can run into her anytime. We can`t move to another state ect. I know this is where trust comes in, but he was never one to trust.

It sounds like your H is an alcoholic.

This is the MAIN problem. MB doesn`t work with alcoholics.

The A and OW are the least of your concerns right now because until the alcohol issue is adressed this type of behaviour will continue.

Many of us here are married to substance abusers. Many of us have sucessfully dealt with that and infidelity too so it can be done. But you must take the right steps in the right order.

Go to the Emotional needs board and read the "Welcome thread" you will find helpful links there. You must also to a search on substance abuse here on MB. Are you a member of Al-Anon? They can also help you.

I am usually on the recovery board if you want to discuss this further. My H is a drug addict.

Your right Daisy he was drinking from the very first day I met him. That was always a problem in our marriage along with his cheating ect. He was told by a shrink that he was a weekend alcoholic, but he never tried to stop drinking.He would drink in 6 months spurts. But the drinking picked up more (I know now) when he was seeing her,and I know he was fighting his battle of wanting her more than me and my kids.Funny thing is we bought a house 5 years ago and his drinking has stopped completely! WOW! wonder why, he never says a word about it.He just says he changed. I dont know how he can just turn off his drinking that easy after drinking since he was a young child, he now is 51. I know know daisy this is all strange to me, I mean he is treating me so wonderful and this I am not used to, it hurts me too because he was always treated me like a dog, to me it doesnt feel right it feels phoney, because I know the REAL him this side of him I have never seen.I guess he had been in a fog for alot of years. I just look back now and it hurts when I see the time that has passed and I wasted it on him trying to make this marriage work. And the EN, I feel like Im telling him go ahead honey cheat on me again and I will still be nice to you.This EN stuff Im doing is killing me when I feel like screaming ect at him which I have done. I can remember when he used to tell me, no one will want you ,you have kids or you will never leave me you have my kids.

Do not be doing the EN stuff. MB does not work with active alcoholics. And by active I mean someone who has not gone ENTIRELY through a substance abuse recovery program. Nothing makes an alcoholic happier and LESS likely to seek help than being catered to.

I do not think your H is a "weekend alcoholic" I think he is an alcoholic period. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It escalates over time. And do not be fooled by a person being able to go months without booze...that`s also another red flag. They do stop for awhile periodically throughout the years...but somehow they ALWAYS start to drink again unless they have been through a recovery program. And even then. You`re never "cured". It`s an ongoing lifelong battle but many people are successful.

Do not waste your time doing the MB program. Not now. What you need to do is find some information and support for the alcoholism. You have to set some boundaries on this. You will have to decide for yourself if this is something you can live with or not.

One thing is certain as long as your H is an active alcoholic the infidelities will continue. A`s are just another form of addiction and addictions are interchangeable. It`s not the booze or the A`s that are the problem...it`s WHY your H needs these to self medicate. He needs professional help for his addiction problem.

You cannot make him seek help. But you can remove yourself from this destructive situation. And perhaps that would be the wake up call he needs. But if not at least you will have saved yourself.

51 is not too old for him to turn his life around if he chooses. That choice however is entirely up to him. The kindset things you can do for him now it to face the reality of the situation and ask him to get help or you will get out. That is what I did.

Think about this. Did you do the search on this site for alcoholism?

Oh and BTW that "No one else will want you" line of crap is right out of the alcoholic handbook.