I am about to get a divorce. Will be final in April probably. For those with children, how long after the D was final did you wait to introduce your children to the new men/women in your life? I have no interest in dating right now anyway, or anywhere in the near future for that matter. I want to concentrate on my and my children for a long long while. The reason that I ask is that my STBX will probably start dating right away, (well, he already may be dating, I know he has interests) and I am scared that bringing another woman into their lives so soon may confuse them more than what they will be as soon as I move out. Just a concern of mine.

While I dont have children.....other than my two dogs and they dont really count (j/k)......I have dated some women with children. Depending on the age of the child.....I think this is an area that should be carefully negotiated. I, for one, have no desire to meet a woman's young child. Unless of course the relationship was headed towards M. Any child of a divorce should be handled very, very gently. An endless parade of men or women.....could be very very confusing to a young one and could have longlasting effects on the psyche of that child. I, for on, would never want to be part of the reason why a child would need counseling. Obviously for a lot of single parents, having to make babysitting or other arrangements could slow down the progress of a relationship. But in reality that probably is a good thing as well.

My plan, wait 6 months to introduce anyone.
However, you have no control over when your X introduces anyone to your child. Don't think you can decide for him. Gentle suggestion is possible though.

I was thinking of habving that put in our D papers. That neither one of us would bring another man/woman into their lives for atleast six months. But six months doesn't even sound like enough time. I know I can't control him, and there's no doubt in my mind that as soon as it's final the first opportunity that he has, he'll bring the boys right a long with him. Only my H wouldn't call it a date, he will say what he always says "were just friends". Bull ****. It's a date.
We have a young attractive neighber and she was riding her son around on their 3-wheeler, and the first thing my H does when he hears it coming down the road is find an excuse why he needs to go outside, so he goes and ofcourse he stops her and sits there and talk to her for about 30 min. The whole time my 3yr old is looking out the window, and when H finally comes back in he says "daddy, that's not your girlfiend". H accused me of telling him to say that, I didn't. It hurt me. I know they are going to hurt more as soon as I move out, I just want to protect them that's all. Anymore input would be much appreciated.

I can't imagine it would do you any good to put that in the divorce agreement.

I had a stipulation about moving. ex moved in with gf less than a month after the divorce was final. He'd introduced the boys to gf about 3 months after we separated & he moved out. He did this after we went to a parenting class that suggested waiting & after talking with a therapist who also gave the same advice. My ten year old asked me if I thought dad had gf before we told them we were divorcing.

As for the move I probably could have gone to court & made an issue of the fact he didn't notify me properly. All that would have done was cost me money to piss off ex. Tempting but not worth it.

My point is give up the illusion you'll have any control or influence over the choices your STBX makes. All you can do is control your behavior & make choices that won't harm your children. S..ks but it's the way things work.

If your STBX introduces your kids to a gf try not to go off about it in front of them. This will only further any upset they already feel.

My kids will talk to me about ex & gf friend. My youngest said to me today "You & gf ought to have a cook off. You're both good cooks & it would be fun." Imagine what I WANTED to say. What I did say was "How nice gf is a good cook. What does she cook that's different than me?" They want me to be a part of ex & gf's world. Understandable, it's their way of trying to keep a family whole. Will it happen? Who knows, but not soon is my guess.

One of the recommendations is that you don't introduce anyone until you are pretty sure they will be permanent because, if your children are quite young and they get used to a parade of wo/men coming in and out of the house that can send confusing messages. Also, if they get too attached to someone and they leave, they go through the whole emotional turmoil similar to that when their parents' marriage ended.

There's no such thing as waiting too long. But most people probably rush it.

My kids met my BF immediately, but I did not know at the time that he would become my BF. I think if you are casually dating, they DO NOT need to meet ANYBODY. I had not planned on my kids meeting anybody I dated, but then I wasn't looking for anybody to date, and it just kind of worked out that way.

A "parade" of people in and out is not good. Hoiwever, I also think that it's not necessarily a bad thing for kids to learn that people come into our lives, and sometimes they leave. If the BF/GF has not become a "parent" figure, then it's not much different than a friend who has moved.

Many say not to introduce until you are sure it will most likely become permanant. I don't see how you can know that until you blend the people together first. And if both people have children they are raising, time together will be limited ( boy do I know it!!) and it coudl easily take a year or two to know if that person is potentioal permanant material. I'm not sure how you ge to know somebody on a deep level without involving kids at some point, if only to have that time together. Am I making sense?

I will definitely NOT live with anybody, even though that seems to be the norm now.

cm

Thank you all for your input. I'm just trying to protect my two precious boys. I know I cannot control my STBX but I atleast want to try and shelter them from more hurt.

Of course you do & this is as it should be.

But you can only shelter them for the things you have control over.

If your STBX uses poor judgement & brings people into their lives sooner than you think they should be all you can really do is speak with your STBX. Imagine the conversation. How do you think it's likely to go? Will he think you're trying to be a control freak? Will he think you are telling him how to parent? Will he think you are trying to tell him how to live his life?

Lastly, how important do you think it is to have a amicable relationship with your STBX for the sake of the kids?

For me that last one is a biggie. If we stay on decent terms we can be more effective co-parents. If I piss him off & alienate him he'll clam up & pull even more passive aggressive crap. That, I don't need.

Oh I definitely agree. I want an amicable relationship, for the boys sake. I want to remain friends with him by all means and I know that we will get along fine. I dont want to tell him how to live his life, he's free to do whatever he wants. It's my childrens lives that I'm concerned about. I would like to think that my husband feels the same. I don't think he'd like if it next week I pull up with some man he has no clue who he is to pick up our two boys. I understand what you are saying completely.

And I know I can't control him. I don't want to. But I will do whatever I can to protect them. If he doesn't want to do what the papers say than so be it. But I will put it in there anyway. He can be the one to confuse them if he wants to. Not me.

thank you all for your input again.

it means much!