I have a situtation that totally sucks. I have been with this guy for 8 years and married for 4 years and found out a few things about him that makes me want out. I am just not sure how to get out. The last 2 month my husband stopped sleeping with me. We no longer have sex and rarley even sleep in the same bed. About 3 weeks ago I found his web profile on a gay website. Then about a week in a half ago I confronted him about the website and he tried commiting suicide over it. There is not really any type of love there anymore it seems, but it is almost like I am afraid to leave because I don't want to feel guilty if he were to go through with the suicide. I am not sure what to do but I think I need to get out. It is almost like he is using that to control me. What to do.....

Have you tried counseling? You are in a tough situation here. Feel free to vent here and talk anytime.

Don't abandon the guy. Sure, you may feel betrayed but I'm sure his inner struggle has been torturous. At least be a friend to him, he is still human.

I don't want to sound ****** but why would you even get involed in a marriage and things like that if you are gay. Why would you want to lead another person down a path that is not going to make both people happy. I want a family and have other dreams and now they are just going down the drain. I feel as if he does not take me into consideration but I need not abandon him. I think he has already checked out but is too comfortable to change anything. I mean think about it he has roof over his head and food in his belly and does not have to have sex with me. How much better can it really get for him? I guess I am still very angry about this whole subject. I go to a counslor but he refuses. He says there is nothing wrong. But I am sorry there is something really wrong here.

I can only guess. I'm not gay but I have been in situations where I've been very vulnerable and the minority. Homosexuality is not a choice, they are born that way. I give you that there are some that choose to experiment with the lifestyle but for true homosexuals it's the norm. With that in mind you have to consider the tremendous pressure there is on a homosexual living in a Judeo-Christian society. Even homosexuals can be ignorant about their sexuality and due to the social conditioning may "think" that they can convert themselves through heterosexual relationships. It's very complex and these are just possibilities.

I am ok with the fact he may be straight or gay. The problem I have is the game. Just be honest and don't play the guild game with me. If you don't want to be married there are alternatives than the games he seems to be playing right now. I just want to move on with my hopes and dreams and not have to worry if I am going to be reading about him in the paper because I left him. But I can't hang on and change things if he does not want to be honest.

Serious counseling needed here - for both of you - no matter what the outcome. He needs to sort himself out. You and he both need greater insight into your needs as individuals and as a couple.

You missed the Dr. Phil nighttime special the other night, go to his website and look at info about it (usually there are good discussions and chats after shows too), One of the subjects was a woman who found out her boyfriend turned out gay after dating him a period of time. He taught her on the show how to have a "gay radar" and how to recognize if a guy is gay or not, by interviewing guys at a gay bar who appears to have no consious when it comes to dating members of both sex, keeping women in the dark - it was a bit of a joke to them.

I had a gay employee once years ago in a small town, he used to laugh at married women and girlfriends because they had no clue he was running around with their boyfriends and husbands. This goes on more then you think as I couldn't believe some of the names attached this the "world" I learned too much about, I felt so sorry for one married woman I knew from a store as he claimed her husband was one of them. She had no clue.

The gay life is sad, filled with drugs insecurities and lies. Born that way or not, how one becomes gay is to be debated. Personally having gotten to know this employee I think it's both, partly genetic but poor upbringing contributes to it as well. There's some choice. But it doesn't matter, your husband has told you he's gay, or at least he's bisexual and exploring a world that's not nice. You have been in the dark, you aren't anymore and you have choices to make.

Are you really ok that he's gay or straight, you say that doesn't bother you? It boils down to dishonestly and your being somewhat a "pawn" in his games. That isn't fair and I'd wonder if you are really "ok" with him being gay. If you want children and a "normal" family it's obviously not with this guy at the point he's at in life, especially if he won't go to counseling or address serious issues, might ruin his "fun." If he doesn't want help then you likely need to move on with your life if you want more.

I saw a show on Operah (sp) once about Christian "gay" guys who decided to become straight. It was interesting as they'd go to a religious camp and come home "straight." The debate was of course over if a guy could be straight if he had been involved in the gay lifestyle. I think I remember that some were able to have normal families with the help of God, counseling, church, role models... in the world, I don't know. The gay life is very seductive, especially for men from very messed up backgrounds. Sad, really sad.

redneck:
shipwreck:

I'm going to chime in for just a minute...then I'm going to go back to freezing in the COLD weather we're having here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I would caution anyone about telling redneck whether she should stay or not.

The reason I say this is because there are, indeed, times when suicide or self mutilation can be manipulative. I have personally had experience with this. When I was in a senior in high school, my boyfriend tried to overdose after I broke up with him one night. What's even more frightening was that he tried with a prescription that was given to him by his psychiatrist.

My point is this. In spite of the fact that our relationship was very emotionally abusive (and occasionally physical), I felt guilty, and stayed for 2 more years trying to 'help' him - I loved him, and didn't want for him to feel that way...much less act on it. What I didn't realize was how unhealthy it was, and how it set the stage for my future relationships.

2 years later, I broke up with him while we were in separate colleges. 6 months later, he shot himself. He actually did not succeed with suicide, but now lives as a quadriplegic. And I did shoulder the guilt....for years. But now I realize there is nothing I could have done to 'fix' it for him.

Redneck - talk to your counselor about this. Make a plan. It is not good for you to stay in a marriage, if indeed, it is like you say. However, you will need to work through whatever the fallout may be should you leave.

It's a really tough decision. I've been through this situation twice. Once resulted poorly, the other turned out OK. But in the end, it's you who has to live with the decision. And he who will have to live with his. Please talk with your counselor about this.

LIT, that's quite a story. Are you basically saying you stayed, enabled a guy as you tried to "fix" him and then in the end it all snowballed... scary. My husband made a comment to me once after I left him about how he was confronted by his counselor who asked him if he was suicidal, it terrified me to death. I didn't know what to do, I felt like I should still talk to him, we have a child together but on the other hand I figured it was enabling and i knew the marriage had to end.

My mom had some wisdom as her brother has been nuts much of his life, even though he has a phd. She "intervened" several times in his marriage when his wife would call asking for her help and wisdom. I remember her flying down to their house when he had a crisis after what must have been an affair with his student at a college. So having dealt with this she advised me to involve his family as I've done as much as I could have as his "wife" and it wasn't my "job" to "help" him in a form that could be enabling, which wouldn't help him "grow up" and address some very serious control, violence, drinking issues.

Yes a good counselor should be involved if the word "suicide" comes up, your story is so scary to me. But my mom's idea I think is a good one, I never did it as I felt like he wasn't that down in the end, but if he was suicidal and ever said that word again I would have called his mom and brothers, turning it over to them thus taking the responsibility off my back....

Redneckgirl,

Welcome to MarraigeBuilders. You've found some real help for yourself here. Read all you can in the articles by Dr Harley about Emotional Needs and Lovebusters. You are in a marriage of two humans, all of them apply.

I won't tell you to leave or not. I will guarantee you that you will learn a lot from what you're going through that will greatly enhance your life, no matter what choices you make.

"I don't want to sound ****** but why would you even get involed in a marriage and things like that if you are gay. Why would you want to lead another person down a path that is not going to make both people happy. I want a family and have other dreams and now they are just going down the drain."

Here is the very first lesson...in Love Busters (LBs), you'll learn about angry outbursts (AOs), disrespectful judgments (DJs), selfish demands (SDs), annoying habits (AHS)...lots of stuff. I believe we not only lovebust to others, but to ourselves. In the above statement, you DJ, both to your H (husband) and to yourself. Not unreasonable given the circumstances, but unhealthy.

The best person to answer your the questions you asked is your H. You do want to know how this happened, how he could do this and profess to love you. Asking him, with an open mind, is essential to getting answers you need. Very much like an affair. In fact, I would suggest you begin a thread under "Infidelity General Questions II" which has the most traffic, because what you're experiencing is intense betrayal, and others have had the same experience can help.

You are experiencing great traumas right now, and I would not suggest you make any decisions. Comprehending, processing and understanding what your marriage is, was and might be would be where I would spend my efforts.

You had dreams, but they aren't down the drain. Your expectations, some realistic and some not, are causing you the most pain right now. You can make a plan, take it step by step, to reach your decision.

You don't have to do it alone. We're here for you.

LA

Hi Redneckgirl!

I was directed to your post by Telly in Emotional Needs. She felt that I might be able to give you some advice about your situation because I was married to a gay man for 8.5 years.

You can search my posts, although I usually only talk about my situation in response to other posts. I've been divorced for 2 years now and I've since remarried, but I'm willing to share my story it means it'll help someone else.

At this point, I think you can be pretty sure that there's something amiss--especially if he has a profile on a gay site. Not having sex is a good indicator that things aren't quite as they seem, as well.

My ex-H started with wanting to wear my nighties to bed. I didn't want to seem homophobic by thinking that it was "abnormal". Then he began watching gay porn...again, I didn't want to judge him for being "curious"...when he made a sexual pass at my Father, I decided to separate from him.

I feel that his homosexuality stemmed from long term sexual abuse by an older man that he admitted to me when we married. After some number of years, he admitted that he was sexually "abused" at the age of 16. I consider that an affair. Now that I'm older and wiser, I realize that my ex had always been gay. He married me to "get it out of his system"....

My ex-H threatened suicide when I confronted him as well. I gave him the opportunity to talk to a counsellor (in case he was just "confused")...he didn't continue with it. When he refused to do anything to address the situation, I asked him to leave. One thing I NEVER did was blow his cover. His family still doesn't know that he's gay, but because I've maintained a friendship with him, I do know that he's currently in a relationship with an older man.

I can tell you that this is a difficult situation to face. You'll need support from someone you trust--a priest, parent or psychologist would be my first choice. I saw a psychologist for a year before I separated and it was the best thing I ever did. Don't place BLAME--like someone said earlier, this is a terrible thing for anyone to live with. Please remember, he didn't marry you to ruin your life--he must have felt very close to you. I know that regardless of my ex's sexual orientation, he loved me when he married me and I think he still loves me now. The key here is to have a very open mind about the situation.

Today I had a migraine, so I've taken some pretty serious doses of pain meds that have impeded my ability to write a really in-depth post to you. If you'd like to speak further, please feel free to email me at the following email address:

aerianne@mail.com

Good luck to you!