SO, I can see he is making some progress here. Is it enough for me to call him? Or should I just send him a text message?

What do I say?

Obviously, I don't want him to sign it "just because". But part of his note indicates that he is willing to start taking some steps. Sure, I don't know & he doesn't know if we have what it takes. I know for darn sure I am going to try my hardest, but it has to go both ways. How do I communicate that to him?

I think this is a step in the right direction, but I want him to be clear that I don't want him to sign a note because he feels "forced." The note indicates to me that he also is willing to work on the marriage WITH me.


So, what next?

Kim

Hey Kim,

I can't advise you, but it sounds slightly positive. Hopefully, someone who has a repentant spouse come home will chime in soon.

I am not loving the tone of the note. It gives me the impression that he thinks you are bribing him to come home, the "it's cheaper to keep her" attitude.

If you said "WH, thanks for offering to write a NC letter, why do you want to write it?"

What do you think he would say?

Good question Jean.

I too, am not thrilled with the tone. But, I do like that he has FINALLY referenced our relationship. This is a first. He always says he wants to talk "about the refi & other stuff" What, am I a mindreader? What is "other stuff?"

So, I need direction in finding out if he really wants to take steps to work on things or if he is simply doing this as a bribe.

I guess my first question might be: "So, I got your note. Are you telling me that you are finished with your Affair?"

I don't want to come out with my "dukes up" or for him to feel like I am "attacking" him...

Kim

You have to get the answer to this Kim. Don't break your Plan B unless he is done with OW. And make sure he knows a NC letter doesn't get him a refi.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Kim

be very, very careful Kim. Don't let him sucker you. You've held out too long to settle for crumbs.

Yep. However, his letter makes no sign to a committment to work on the M. I am very cautious here.

I want a yes or no answer if the A is over.

I refuse to go back into a triangle.

Kim

exactly right Kim.

After a day to think about WH's note, I am even more skeptical.


This is not a game.

It does appear that he still wants to protect OW.

I just want a promise that he will try as hard as I will to heal this M.

I really do think he wants to try, but his attitude and committment is not there yet. I will post my attempt at a response a bit later......

Kim

WH - You do not seem to grasp the gravity of your marital situation. You seem to only seek to maintain a standard of living that has you borrowing more and more, yet obligating yourself less and less to the marriage.

I am not interested in any kind of relationship rebuilding with you that has strings attached to it - i.e. the refi.

Get this clearly and get it now. I am NOT signing any financial contracts with you any time in the near future.

The relationship must be rebuilt on it's own merits. Because our many years together deserve it; that recovering your personal integrity is worth it - that I, your wife, am worth it. This cannot happen until you honor ALL of the requirements of my letter to you. Until then, I will not entertain dates, etc. with you - and I do not wish to hear anything more from you until such time. Attached, please find a copy of that letter, in case you have misplaced it.

Kim

Thanks KaylaAndy!!



I like that especially.

Kim

Kim, like the others I would caution you. I think all he is saying is that he'll take a specific action for a specific result.

Whatever I'm doing in life i always try to ask myself; what am I trying to accomplish here? Do you want him to sign a NC letter or do you want him to actually have NC? It sounds to me like he is saying he will sign, not that he will honor what he is signing. Besides isn't the NC letter supposed to written by the WS with the help of the BS? Sounds to me like you wrote it and he'll just put his name to it? The words need to be his and from the heart.

If he is suffering because of a mess he created, well, all I can say is sometimes we have to learn our lessons the hard way. Only you know what your boundries have to be. Set them and stick to them it's the MBers way.

If you want to throw him a bone, and I think that might be in order for this somewhat consilitory gesture, I'd sure make it a very small bone. At least that way he knows you noticed but you will also be sending the message that he's not where he needs to be.

Best of luck to you and always remember IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am trying to keep this note very short - gave him a copy of the Plan B letter not too long ago, so not sure if giving him another is needed......

Here's what I have:

"I am interested in rebuilding our Marriage on it's own merits - Because our many years together deserve it; that recovering your personal integrity is worth it - that I, your wife, am worth it. I am committed to working on our marriage, are you? Until you are truly committed, I cannot move forward with you.

All my love,

Kim"


Kim

Mr. E -

You are right on track with this -
Kim

Hi Kim,

Just wanted to lend my support. You are getting good advice. Hang in there. He's not ready.
S.

Thanks S!!

Hope you are doing well!!

Kim

Good for you. Just a little personal insite here. Before Mrs. E truly broke off the A I continually told her what I needed and what she needed to do much like your note above is doing. Finally, after about the 100th or so time she did not do what I had hoped I was finally down so low that I just couldn't take it anymore so I told her that it was now up to her to figure out what she needed to do and how she needed to do it... that I had already explained it everyway I knew how and if she couldn't figure it out by now she was probably never going to. Now keep in mind I had said some similar things to her on several other occasions but this time was different. This time I meant it from the bottom of my soul. I needed it to be true for my own self preservation. Much to my surprise within a week or two I finally started seeing us heading in the right direction.

The morale of the story is that at least in my situation I couldn't force, negotiate, pleed, bribe, or wish Mrs. E into acting anyway particular way and the more I tried those things the more I was hurting myself.

I only have a second here and I have not read all the responses.

But this:


is NOT a positive thing. Sheesh! What a way to start a note.

Translation: "OK, it is not what I want, but it is better than financial ruin. You win"

(temporarily until we refinance. I can always go back to the OW.)

This ain't what it takes to break the fog.

Breaking the fog is crawling back over burning coals wanting to do anything it takes to make the marriage work...NOT saying "I don't know if I can make you love me"

Sorry...nope, he's not there yet.

Susan -

You are right & I am seeing that now. You know how hopeful us BS's are......

Kim

Kim-

While I would agree that he is "not there yet", I do think that this shows that he is beginning to head in that direction.

I still think that you should send the note....if for no other reason than direction, so that he knows this is not enough.

He's beginning to feel the pain of Plan B, this is a good thing. I guess the key would be to let him continue to feel it.

Mortarman told me that there has to be some point when you negotiate with the enemy....they make an offer, you consider the offer, and if it is not enough for "peace talks" then you reject the offer and the war continues.

Truer words have never been spoken.

God Bless,

-Caren