Kim-

I think it does apply, in the sense that you have to "approach the enemy and find out what they want".

God Bless,

-Caren

why not just text him and tell him you will talk to him on the phone this afternoon. But before you do, lets write up some talking points and try to anticipate what he will say.

What do you think he will say to you?

So, text him?

"WH, talk with u later tonight?"

or

"Have you ended your A?"

Kim

how about "call me later tonight and we can talk."

Honestly, I dont know why you are so nervous. You have unbelievable courage and strength but you sometimes don't believe it yourself. You don't even fall for his nonsense any more. He has no more power over you, Kim.

When will you realize that?

LOL Mel, it's hard not to get nervous....you want this to be true, you want it to be he's finally gotten his head out of his butt, but you also don't want to get your hopes up too high.....

I understand.

God Bless,

-Caren

Some of the things he might say(these are taken from a letter a week ago)


Kim



5 -

You know, I was thinking earlier today ---- Boy, I have gotten pretty comfortable in Plan B. I am taking care of DS and there is no one to have conflict with or "rub me the wrong way". Of course, I can't stay this way forever & if we D'd things would be very different again.(I'd probably move, etc.)

So, I am just scared and nervous to get out of Plan B.

And like Caren said, I don't want to get my hopes up for nothing!!




I know I am stronger than I give myself credit for .....

Kim

text message sent.

kim

Those all sound like conditions he is trying to place on you. But he is not in a position to set conditions. The conditions will be set by YOU and are non-negotiable. Those are:

1. end of his affair and all pursuit of OW

2. a committment to the marriage along with a plan of his path to repair the damage he caused and rebuild trust

He must PROVE his sincere committment to those 2 goals to your satisfaction. First, by writing a letter to the OW that you approve and send together to the OW and her H. Opening up his entire life to you.

He must also PROVE to you that he will do what it takes to restore the damage he caused and rebuild trust. Ask for his PLAN on how he will achieve those things.

If he will do those things, write the letter and produce his plan to repair the marriage, then you can consider dating him for awhile to see where it leads.

Also, tell him that you have no intention of entering any financial agreements with him.

If he threatens to stop paying bills, tell him you would hate to have to get a legal seperation and have payments mandated, but will do so if necessary.

Thanks ML - I am printing out your above post.

I imagine that the call will begin quite awkwardly. Heck, the whole thing might be awkward.

Here's how I imagine it starting:

Me: "hello"

WH: "hey."

Me: "I got your note. It sounds like you would like to work on our M"

WH: "yes, I would."

Me: "There are some things that need to happen before we can take that step"

WH: "Like what?"

Me: "I need to know that you have ended your A and you are finished pursuing OW. Have you done that?"

If he answers "No" - then I will say "Then, we really don't have anything further to talk about until you are finished with that. Please don't contact me again until you can do that."

If he answers "Yes" -

Me:"O.k. The next thing I need to know is that you are committed to the M and that you have a plan to repair the damage and rebuild trust."

WH: " I am"

Me: "I am committed too, to rebuilding our M. The first step is for you to write a NC letter to OW and then let me see it. I'd also like to see a plan from you on how you believe you can regain my trust."

Well, I know that is not how the conversation is going to go down. But that's how I'd like for it to go..... I know he is going to try to manipulate this so it is easier for him.

I am NOT going to stand for it though.

Kim

OH, here's another thing I know he will throw out:


Kim

I know you won't stand for it, Kim, and I have every confidence that you will do just fine. I think this is very good, I would make just one small suggestion. Try to get him to open up and tell you what is on his mind before you start. You need to know what is on his mind FIRST so you will have an appropriate response. For example:

Me: "hello"

WH: "hey."

Me: "I got your note. what's on your mind?"

WH: blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....

[you get him talking and assess where he is at and then respond accordingly]

This line below is PERFECT!

you got it!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ML - Just the suggestions I needed!! I will ask him an open-ended question and see how he responds!!!!

Did you see my other post?

Thanks!

Kim

Here are the facts as I have seen 'em written:

1. He writes you notess (means he can write).

2. He has requested to meet or talk with you. (he may feel ready to take on the BS or ready to concede - can't tell).

3. You are not comfortable talking to him in person.

4. You are skeptical of talking to him over the phone but feel this is the lessor of 2 evils.

5. He has not indicated anything other than, needs to talk to you.

Now here's my 2 cent evaluation.

The info exchange needs to happen. How is the key.

His need is to give you info. Whether it is what you need or want to hear is not clear.

Your need is to protect yourself. Hence plan B. You fear you are not strong enough for face to face and even question you abiltiy over the phone. But your curiousity and need is to know what he plans on telling you.

Is that a fairly close summation?

Been there done that.....will tell you what I did but first know this:

At some point you w/b talking to him, c/b by phone 1st or in person but know that day will come. Therefore, it is important you prepare for it, everyday.

What the WS may count on is you being weak. He doesn't realize how much you have gained confidence, strength and the ability to reverse babble. That puts you at an advantage. If you lack in any of those areas, it's high time you shore up. Practice reverse babble in front of a mirror. I did my practice in the bathroom. LOL!!!!

Now I will tell you what I did. I understand how you can feel apprehensive. You have been in this plan B mode longer than you'd like and feel safe thus making you afraid to venture out and see where he really is.

I was in the same sitch at one time. Until I felt strong enough, I asked the Ws to communicate by e-mail. If he can't, write longer notes until I felt comfortable enough to talk. So my response w/b something like this:

WS,
I have received your notes and can see you 'want to talk'. You have not disclosed your agenda and this frigtens me. So at this time, the safest option is to continue to commuicate either by e-mail or by longer notes.

You may wonder why am I afraid of talking to you via phone or in person, well I just am. Maybe if you reflect on your past conduct you will see why.

My previous messages have indicated that I am not willing to discuss things with you until the 3rd wheel is out of your life. Well, what I have come to know is that the 3rd wheel must be out of MY LIFE in order for me to move forward.

This means that ANYONE who associates with the 3rd wheel in any way shape or form (even if it is longing thoughts in your head), must keep away from me. That 3rd wheel has deadly effects on all who come into contact with her and I don't want to deal with those issues anymore.

I realize, I can't control your life even if it is in your best interests. That you may want to make bad choices and the rest of those who really love you have to watch in horror.

Horror is hard on the heart so I need to back off even further to protect myself and our family.

I have more to say but will stop for now. Hope you understand. I can't communicate with you in person as long as you are attached in any way to a 3rd wheel.

Sincerely,
BS and family.

Ok, that's my take. I sent a similar letter to mine and it worked. What I did was give the OW another name (3rd wheel), that mentally passed throught the fog and got my message across. Also I let him know I did not feel safe. Then I told him that I choose NOT to have any 3rd wheel in my life. For me that last statement was important because it identified a big boundary for me.

I think you are being given a good opportunity to pack a whallop through the fog. Just be smart about it.

Hope this helps.

take care,
L.

Also, if he tries to drag you into a debating match, I would be ready to end the conversation with something like:

I have no interest in debating my conditions with you. They are not negotiable. Please refer back to my letter if you are unclear. Take care. CLICK

ML - saw your response. So I'm good to go with that.

I'm heading out to do a few quick errands. If I think of any other concerns, I'll come back & post. If I don't hear a response text message back from him about tonight, I might consider texting him back to make sure he got it??

I don't know.

Will check back in later!

Melody, I've got that scripture going through my head....

Kim

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Orchid - Just read your response too. Am printing it out as it puts me in a good frame of mind to deal with WH. Thanks so much for sharing that.



You are right, but I believe I can really pull of this phone conversation.

I will be strong & if I am prepared I believe I will be o.k. I have from now until tonight to prepare.

ML - Right. No debating. This is not negotiable. Printing that out too.

O.k., now I'm off.

Kim