I disagree with you on this one, Mel.

If your WH will talk to Steve Harley, jump on it!!

Steve will have an effect on him. I guarantee you of that.

And if not..Steve's session with your WH will give YOU valuable information on how you need to proceed....

Plus, in this MODIFIED PLAN B..negotiation phase..I don't think it's necessary for him to agree to all the conditions AT ONCE..baby steps are OK..if they are SERIOUS BABY STEPS...

Well, that's the way my H did it...

Melody - He has agreed to everything EXCEPT mailing the letter. He has it written and agrees that it needs to be delivered to OW.

Mimi - WH & I counseled with Steve back in September(seperately at that time). That was right before Plan B. I am still thinking hard on this one. I can see advantages and disadvantages. Maybe he needs an "outside" source to just reinforce my conditions??

It would give me insight on what to do next though......Or perhaps WH will do the session & STILL not GET IT.

Kim

I'll put it this way...

I do not think my H and I would have reconciled if he and I had not had sessions with Steve Harley.

STEVE WILL BE UNBELIEVABLY HELPFUL AND INSIGHTFUL TO YOU!!

Plus, I bet Steve would highly recommend having your WH speak to him at this point.

I can't see what you've got to lose by having the session...

Steve WILL have SOME EFFECT ON YOUR MARITAL SITUATION one way or another...

Kim, I say go along with what Mimi said. At the very worst, SH can assess your H and tell you NO. That being said, Mimi's H wanted to RECONCILE, yours doesnt'. He just wants money. He has never even mentioned reconciliation.


I would set it up where the purpose is for SH to ASSESS whether he is ready to come back home or not. But don't even back down on the letter issue. There is absolutely NO legitimate reason to not keep OWH in the loop. Let SH know why you think he really does not want the OWH to see it.

Also, Kim, does your WH understand that you WILL NOT be entering into any re-fi agreements no matter what? Did you send him that note we wrote together? Because if he does not understand that, this might all be a waste of time if he is only doing it for that reason.

I like this!!

Lay it all out for Steve!!!

Your concerns about his sincerity and the OWH, etc.

I agree THE LETTER IS A MUST!!!

Mimi, I don't think her WS is doing this for any reason other than to get re-fi money. He has never even mentioned reconciliation. That is what concerns me. I think he is just playing her to get the money.

Yes. I stopped talking bad about her. He had TO GET IT ON HIS OWN...

Now HE TALKS BAD ABOUT HER..once every blue moon..

The A is not much of a topic of conversation anymore.

THANK GOD!!!

MelodyLane -

I sent the letter stating that I would not refi with him UNTIL we reconciled & trust was rebuilt(if I ever refi. I think there are other options that need to be explored. I really don't want to refi at all regardless of whether we are a happily married couple or not)

I want to call WH tonight and see what his schedule is for the week. What if I bring up my concerns:

"WH, before I schedule this session I'd like to feel like you are sincere in your intentions. I don't feel like you are ready yet."

or

"WH, where do you see our M 3 months from now? Where do you see us 6 months from now?"

just to see what he says.....I want to know if he has a vision of our future together. Is that too much to ask?

OR I could just come right out and ask him "WH, what are your reasons for wanting to reconcile with me?"

Mimi - I do think it is a great plan to counsel with Steve. I find it hard to believe that WH would come this far KNOWING in my last note that I absolutely would not refi with him until trust is rebuilt. I know I'm not dealing with my H here. It's still a WH. And they are capable of being competely opposite of what you think.

ARGH.

Kim

IMO,

It is not good idea for you to initiate phone calls or have lengthy conversations with him.

He needs to pursue you..make him try to convince you of his sincerity. Don't ask him..See what I mean?



This is much too much conversation with a WH..

He is liable to say anything...

Remember he is FOGGY and will be for a long, long time...

This is why you need Steve. Let Steve get a sense of this for you...

Unfortunately for you, he won't come home professing his love for you..He probably can't put into words right now why he wants to come..

Recovery is hard..not much conversation or relationship talk at all early on...

I think you need to get him talking with some open ended questions. Tell him you are considering setting up the appt with SH, but you are not going to waste your time unless you fully understand his intentions.

Ask:

a) Why do you want to speak to SH and what do you expect to get out of it?

b) What are your plans for this marriage?

c) "WH, what are your reasons for wanting to reconcile with me?"

Mel:

See my post before yours..

Those are difficult questions for a foggy-brained man..

Difficult questions for a NORMAL man.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I gotcha, Mimi, and agree with what you said on second thought.

Oooh..I missed this...

Given this info., I definitely say DO NOT CALL WH but do schedule with Steve to ask him specifically about the REFI. issue and whether WH is serious...

Mel, do you remember that my FWH wanted me to agree to refinancing?

I didn't want to bring this up Kim but it is true...

I've hated to tell you what I did because I don't think I was wise but it worked out... I have been three years into Recovery....

I took a lot of chances....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I'm reading you both.....SO, next step???? Call WH to see what his schedule is like? Or TEXT him. Tell him to call me tomorrow after 9 PM.(let him kind of wonder what I'm thinking about....)

Don't talk about the R..........

Keep it short.

Let Steve figure it out. MelodyLane - this could be a waste of time like you said, but if WH won't come here & seek help then maybe Steve can help WH understand about the letter?

Kim

Mimi -

I absolutely spelled it out in the last note I sent to him. I would not/ will not consider any type of financial agreement with him. I'll go back and copy what I wrote to him.

Kim

That was in the note.....

Kim

Kim, what your WH needs to understand about the letter is that HE HAS TO DO IT in order to come back. He needs to understand this is a CONDITION, not a point for negotiation.

I would suggest setting up the appt but making sure you can brief SH beforehand so he knows the status. Tell him you don't believe WH is serious about reconcilation and only wants money from refi. Also tell him about WH's STUPID, TRANSPARENT objection to delivering the letter to OWH.

I am still leery about bothering with this because your H has not even mentioned reconciliation.

Also, Mimi, the difference here is that your H was interested in reconcilation. She did call Dr. Harley on the air and he told her UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES was she to enter into any financial agreements with him.

Crap, now I'm getting OUT of the mood to set this up. I'm pouring over his long letter to me to see if I can find anything positive....

"If there is a way for us to become a couple again, we'll need to relearn to care for each other."....."I need to show you that you can trust me again...."

No, he doesn't come right out and say "I want to reconcile." But he has "agreed to all of my conditions" for moving forward that I laid out in the note yesterday. HE has written the letter & agrees that it needs to get delivered to OW. ( I do realize that he has refused to let OWH in on this)

But you still don't feel that these are not signs of wanting to reconcile??

Kim

O.k. Mimi- my curiosity is up. Now you're going to have to tell me what you did!!!

Kim