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And, Melody, I do believe the A is a private matter between BS and WS, not a matter for extended families, employers, etc. I am in DEFINITE disagreement with that point.
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And, Melody, I do believe the A is a private matter between BS and WS, not a matter for extended families, employers, etc. I am in DEFINITE disagreement with that point. No, it is not a private matter and should not be kept private. Affairs thrive in secrecy and die with exposure. Employers, family members, church members, friends, even children often should be told if thats what it takes to end the affair. No one should ever help the affairee hide his dirty secret; that is called ENABLING, and we aren't enablers here. If it takes putting it on a billboard to stop the affair, then that is what should happen.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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***And, Melody, I do believe the A is a private matter between BS and WS, not a matter for extended families, employers, etc.***
sfjaj, I will come right out and say you are dead wrong about this. Extended families, the workplace, and family friendships are all negatively affected by an affair. Some are severely disrupted -- families are destroyed, jobs have to abandoned, cross-country moves have to be made. Nothing is ever the same.
Melody is 100% right when she says that adultery is NOT a private matter. It sends harm and disruption into every facet of the lives of the WS, the BS, and the OP.
Anyone who tries to tell themselves that "adultery is a private matter" is totally in denial about what they are doing. They are telling themselves a huge lie -- the kind of lie that made the affair possible in the first place.
sfjaj, I hope you continue to keep reading here. It is clear that you have an awful lot to learn.
Mulan
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Hey Kim, Just trying to catch up on your thread. Just so you know, it seems your WH is still in step with the WH Handbook. They usually make a pass (or a few) at returning home, but it appears the initial overtures are not necessarily sincere. A little like testing the water. Don't get discouraged though, it is still a good sign. You are still in the running. Don't have any advice to offer, you are getting all you need. You just keep doing what you are doing. Take care. S. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
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Melody and Mulan, I will continue reading here, but I am not wrong. Your perspectives are that a particular end justifies ANY means and that is far too Machiavellian for me to buy into. I think it might be helpful in some cases but certainly not ALL. To say otherwise is to reduce human beings into machines where individual differences cannot be noted. Clearly, we will never agree on this point
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No, no one has ever said that any means justifies the ends. What you are WRONG about is that adultery is a "private affair." It ain't. It effects a wide circle of people and should never be kept secret. Keeping the dirty secret is called ENABLING. NOT GOOD!
sfjaj, why not take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth and try to learn something while you are here? You don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages and that is evidenced by your opinions. The Marriage Builders program is an extremely successful program with a phenomenal track record. It's not smart to argue with success!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody, wow, it seems to me that I'M the one here who has an open mind and is willing to consider other opinions. I'm so sorry that is not true for you; you can learn things from others. Now I feel as though I'm repeating myself, but, as I said, it may be appropriate in some cases and not others. As for the "cotton in the ears", I won't resort to insults to you. I'm just sad that your approach is all or nothing
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sfjaj, but we HAVE considered your opinion, no one agrees with it because it's silly. Perhaps you should be "open minded" yourself to opinions from successful programs like Marriage Builders? Why not give it a try? You know, I have been in AA for 21 years and every so often some drunk reeking of booze will come into his VERY FIRST AA meeting and tell the rest of us how to do it. It really is quite amusing. But you remind of those guys very much! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Suggestion: instead of continuing to disrupt Kim's thread with your wisdom, why not take this to your OWN thread? I have started up a thread devoted just to you. How about let's give Kim a break and take it elsewhere?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry Kim! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Kim, likewise, you have my apologies. I began by trying to offer a perspective and shouldn't have continued to respond to unwarranted attacks. sorry
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Any letter that he should send should be very short and to the point anyway...one that OW's BS shouldn't have a problem reading. What he is saying doesn't make sense.
Has he read any of SAA?
Married 1976
Me:BS
Him:FWS
MB Weekend March 2003
2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82
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I think it might be helpful in some cases but certainly not ALL. To say otherwise is to reduce human beings into machines where individual differences cannot be noted. Clearly, we will never agree on this point Unfortunately when it comes to affairs, there are sadly, very few differences. Exposure as widely as possible is always the best most effective option to end them.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Hey Kim <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />..... You still out there? you are not afraid to get back to your thread are you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> just kidding! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Hope you and your son are doing well... Best, Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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Hi Daisy -
I'm here. Just really needed a bit of a break anyway. No hard feelings on the discussion.....glad it got it's own thread though!
I'm a bit discouraged right now. My WH can't even answer a simple text message back. Instead he tm'd back wanting to know if he can call me.
Wanted to say hi though. Time for a mental recharge. Guess I didn't realize how difficult these steps towards (hopefully) recovery were gonna be. I guess I imagined he would agree to what I was asking & we would go from there....Guess that was a fantasy.
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim,
Sorry it is so difficult.....
All BS here hope for a chance at recovery, but it sure is not simple......
I am looking at your thread and milk's, both of you going through the "negotiation" stage.....we learn a lot from your situations.....WS sure doesn't come back right off appoligizing for the destruction they cause.....It is good for us to remember.
I was thinking about something yesterday with respect to your situation. I think your H is trying to throw you crums again. They may be bigger, but they are still crums. Remember that you went to Plan B because you did not want crums, you want the whole cake! But I know it is hard now not to accept a slice. But if you do, you may just end up with that slice only and the crums again.....Hold out for the cake! I think ML is right on target here....
Take care....
Daisy
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Hang in there, Kim. It will all come around just like it is meant to be. Dont' let yourself get discouraged. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks Daisy & Mel - I know I will swing back up emotionally again. Haven't felt "low" in a while.....I wake up thinking about it and it creeps back in anytime I have a moment when my brain is not occupied otherwise.
DS's play is at the end of the month. I gave a copy of the ticket info to him so he could order one if he wanted to come. It will be strange not sitting there with him, watching DS in his very first school production. Quite sad really. I ordered him a ticket just in case he forgets & something miraculous happens between now & then. I so want us to be sitting together.
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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I'm a bit discouraged right now.
Wanted to say hi though. Time for a mental recharge. Guess I didn't realize how difficult these steps towards (hopefully) recovery were gonna be. I guess I imagined he would agree to what I was asking & we would go from there....Guess that was a fantasy.
Kim Kim: ***wilfully breaking my vow to stop posting here**** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Discouraged????? Your strength and growth through this have been tremendous. The very FACT that you have not caved into this COMPLETE farce (yet again by your cheating husband) is a testament to your growth. The Kim of Ocotber 2005 would have taken this scrap of $hit and taken him back at any cost to dignity and self esteem. I would like to think that the ultimate goal of all of this is NOT to just get your cheating husband back. You can't make that the litmus of your success or failure. I see that ***some*** people still are using and encouraging that barometer, I'd like to hope you think differently...perhaps not. Either way, although I don't post much at all anymore, I am still checking in and am rooting for your SELF RECOVERY.....the rest will take care of itself.
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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Good to see you Lemonman!!
Kim, this low point will pass, you are doing very well.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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