Lemonmna, the OWH thinks the affair is over. WE THINK. Everytime the OWH finds out there is new contact, contact ENDS for a while and then it starts back up. She needs to compare notes with him and help him kill the affair from his end.

Kim, speaking of which, it is really important that you get everything out in the open with OWH this time and really plan to work together to kill this thing. For example, does he know that everytime you call him about a new contact, they END contact for a while? That tells me that it scares OW off for a while. And when she ends contact, your WH goes ballistic at you for messing up his affair.

Then when things settle down it all starts over again.

He needs to understand this pattern and do MORE this time, such as widespread exposure or he is going to eventually lose his wife.

I liked the WH part about "I am not kidding about the finances" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> Oooh scary, what is he gonna do??

Good luck talking to OWH's. I think that is so great that you two can communicate and keep tabs on the situation.

On my end, the only news is that we have run out of chocolate syrup, so we had to over compensate with whipped cream. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Kim,

This is coming from the QUEEN OF FALSE RECOVERIES...I wouldn't send him any more of these messages at this point. It seems like what happened to me may have happened in your situation. I kept coming out of PLAN B too early before I got serious about the PLAN. This is being said in hindsight. I'm not sure if I would have done anything differently at that point so I understand fully what you did. I'm trying to help you learn from my mistakes.

What happened was this: When I came out of the darkness too soon, I relieved my then WH of the PAIN that he was feeling during the PLAN B and he seemed to fall even more in love with the OW. Unfortunately, this ENABLED the AFFAIR because he FELT better, comforted by knowing that he still had me waiting for him. YUCK...This might have happened in your situation.

So now is the time to STAY EXTREMELY DARK..LIGHTS OUT..giving the impression as KEEPMVN is indicating on Eav's thread of MOVING ON...

This is the point that I put up my house for sale and really had decided that I had no other choice but to make moves to live my life alone....he picked up on my changes..and began pursuing me as KEEPMVN indicates..

Sharing what happened in my situation...hoping some of this applies to you and can be helpful...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mel, Jean & Mimi -hi& thanks!!

I talked to OWH today. We had a good conversation, but I forgot to touch on some things now that I am readig Mel's e-mail above. He said that he didn't know of anything new - he is going to check on a phone # and let me know if anything turns up.

He was quite pleasant & the BEST THING is that he DOES want to save his M. I asked if he had been here & he said yes. I forgot to direct him to the forum, but mentioned all the help I'd gotten & counseling with SH.

I have not received any calls from WH. So either OWH has not said anything yet or OWH said something & OW has not "tattled".

All's quiet.

Kim

Mimi - I will revise my note to WH.

"WH - Please pay this. Kim"

How's that?

I have been toying with the thought of selling this house. That would free up a BUNCH of $$ for WH though. Don't know which is better --- not helping WH out with $$ by staying here or selling the house to show I am moving on.

Kim

"tattled?" Like tattling on a BAD CHILD? Did ya do something wrong?

Yeah - that's what it feels like when she does that. I KNOW I did nothing wrong, Mel. I don't have any regrets. OWH is quite nice although I still get quite nervous talking to him on the phone.

THEY did something wrong. And OWH and I both know it!

Kim

You did nothing wrong! So stop with the FEAR!!! He cannot hurt you. This is no GUILT, becuase you know you did nothing wrong, but rather FEAR.

Good girl making that call! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Kim,

I am so glad for you that OWH's is still on board. My OWH's divorced OW as soon as he rec'd his citizenship papers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I really hope we get to pick your FWH's brain one day, to see what he was thinking as all this was going on-one day when you are both MB oldtimers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jean - I hope this will work out so he can help others.

I'm having another slight panic attack. WH sent up a note stating that he is now officially unable to pay his bills this month. In case I wanted to know.

That puts a sick feeling in my stomach. I am still going to send down the bill for him to pay that he sent back up, but I'm afraid he will just return it.

I feel like picking up the phone & having at it with him. The urge is so strong. I'm fighting this so hard. I haven't cried in a while, but can't help it.

I scheduled another session w/Steve for next week. I want to split the session with WH so Steve can pick his brain. I am planning on texting WH tonight w/the time.

ARGH. When will this ever end???????

Should I just sell the house & be done. Move away?

I feel helpless.

Kim

Kim, IMO, you should STAY DARK and have an individual session with Steve so that you can get your questions answered.

Steve will answer whatever question you have directly...but you have to ask him...

Agree Kim. Don't talk to him. Can you afford to talk to SH again?

Mimi - if WH is interested in talking to Steve again, wouldn't it be good for SH to get inside his head?

Mel - I have a session scheduled for next Wednesday. I am a bit worried about future $$ though since WH is broke. I have some $$ put away, but not tons. Even if I get a legal separation, if WH doesn't have the $$ at all how can he pay? I'd rather invest the $$ I'd spend on lawyer's fees towards counseling....

Kim

Darn I lost my post.

SH said for WH & I to contact a financial advisor. I feel like we can work on a plan without one for the time being. Do financial advisors have any secret tricks for getting out of debt?

So, here's my part. And I don't know why WH has not spent some time researching. I guess he wants the easy way out. He asked me 3 weeks ago if I had contacted a FA. NO. Had he? NO. So here's my part on what I can show Steve that I did. Here's my plan on getting our finances in proper order. I am going to give WH a list of websites for him to visit sharing my view on how to eliminate cc debt.

then:
1 - Show me you are sincered about our M by sending a NC letter.
2 - Work on a plan to bring you home so your spending is reduced. Stop using credit cards.
3 - Fill out weekly expense sheets showing where money is spent each week
4 - Work out a monthly budget.
5 - Cut out uneccessary expenditures.
6 - Continue to learn about finances through on-line sources, books, classes.
7 - Pay down the cc with the highest interest rate first.
8 - explore options on transferring high interest cc balances to lower interest cc.

Kim

I say talk to Steve yourself first. Steve has already gotten inside his head during your last call. See what Steve has to say about what has happened since then and his suggestions on how you should proceed.

Hi there Kim, just checking in on you, I'm sorry that you had to go dark again.......these WH's are pains,aren't they?

God Bless,

-Caren