Well folks, here it is...a very rough draft of a letter I'm planning on giving to my W when I ask for a divorce. PLease excuse the mispelling and poor grammar where noticed. I also have "hunt and peck, fat finger" syndrome on the keyboard. <P>Disclaimer: The names have been changed to protect the GUILTY! And my innocent son.<P>Jane, <P> I've been trying to write this letter for a good month or so now. I keep<BR>starting and stopping, writing and re-writing. Ive got a pile of papers<BR>in my desk at work on this subject. I was so confused I decided to seek<BR>profession help. That's when I called Dr. Kevorkian and made the appointment.<BR>He has helped so much even after the first visit I felt so much better about<BR>my thoughts and what I needed to do. I've been so upset at myself for<BR>letting all this happen, I thought I was gonna die of depression and guilt.<BR>He made me realize it wasnt' all my fault. I went to him thinking I couldn't<BR>make a decision when in fact I had been making them all along, just the<BR>wrong ones or ones I just wasn't seeing to the end. On top of all that I was<BR>allowing you to make decisions for me. <BR> Dr. Kevorkian is not a marriage counsellor. I went to him for me, to get my<BR>head straight. Something I haven't been able to do for a long time. I now<BR>am beginning to feel that I can say what I need to say and stand behind it<BR>without being controlled by you. This is something I must do, for me. Dr.<BR>Kevorkian is there to help me in sticking to my decision, he doesn't know what<BR>that decision is yet, but I do. Dr. Kevorkian is also there to help me in<BR>being able to carry out other decisions I make in my life, I need this help.<P> Jane, I just want you to know, I love you very much. Always have, always<BR>will but what you did and how you did it has just been to much for me to<BR>handle or stand for. I thought I would be able to handle everything somehow,<BR>but I can't. I just can't tolerate my wife being, giving and caring for<BR>another man. I can't understand how you pulled it off for as long as you did<BR>and be able to look me in the eyes telling me everything was ok. The trust<BR>and respect I had in you is gone and to this day I still don't see you doing<BR>much to improve that or the situation we are in. Yes you may need to work on<BR>you, but at the expense of our relationship is something I can't give you<BR>anymore time for. You've always asked me for more time. More time is what<BR>you got from me and you used it to betray me even more. How can you expect<BR>me to give you more time now? <BR> I, at this date and time can not be expected to sit by and wait for you to<BR>come around. I should have done this over a year ago, actually as soon as I<BR>knew you and [censored] (I just had to call him [censored]...you know as in [censored] and Jane that is... ) were up to no-good (April of '97?) I know there are still<BR>many things I don't know about as to what and where you two did. I'd rather<BR>not know anymore, but I sure can figure most of it all out. I know you are<BR>still telling me only the things you want me to know, the half truths, the<BR>lies still. Don't bother denying it, I know. As petty as it might seem, I<BR>don't want to even look in the back part of the van, I dont want to sit on<BR>the couch, I dont want to see you in any thing sexy that I used to love<BR>seeing you in, because I know you've worn them for him. But you know what, I can't care about that anymore. I'm not going<BR>to let you or him win the mental battle over me. I'm better than that, I'm<BR>better than him, I'm better than you, I'm better than the two of you<BR>combined! And I'm going to prove to you both that Im better than any of you<BR>ever dreamed of. I'm poised to start living MY life. Im going to do the<BR>things I want to do. I'm determined to be happy and to live for me for a<BR>change. I'm determined to be the best father I can be for my only child.<BR>Blues Jr. is my main focus right now, he will get the best I can offer him. You<BR>know as well as I do, Blues Jr. needs his dad moreso right now, you've told me<BR>numerous times he needs to be "toughened up", he needs a male role model and<BR>I'm going to make sure that he grows up knowing how to deal with adverse<BR>situations and how his dad overcame his.<BR> Jane, you are now 5 months pregnant with [censored]'s child. This is probably<BR>the most stressful point in your life as far as I know. But it is also mine.<BR>There you are carrying another man's child and you want me to wait. I'm<BR>sorry, but I can't. You need to leave. I feel it'll be the best thing for<BR>everyone in the long run. You need to learn some lessons. First you need to<BR>be responsible for your actions. You are an adult and you knew exactly what<BR>you were doing at the time. You knew the risks and you still rolled the<BR>dice. Those dice were real good to you for a while, but in the end you lost<BR>the game. Now you need to move on to another one. You need to learn to take<BR>care of yourself. Something you've admitted you've never done. There's<BR>always been someone there for you to fall back on. You now need to walk on<BR>your own. I don't want you to worry, I'll still be there to help you get on<BR>your feet. Something you know [censored] won't do. We both need to learn how to<BR>move on. I need to learn the items stated at the start of this letter. I<BR>also need to learn how not to be manipulated by you. If this makes me an<BR>[censored] in your eyes, I'm sorry. It's something I need to do for me and my<BR>well being.<BR> We need to sit down as adults and figure things out. I feel I have the<BR>right to claim what I want and if there's anything that is considered to<BR>extreme, we can fine tune it and agree on something. I'm not going to be<BR>spiteful or overly demanding, it'll serve no purpose to me. I want to be fair<BR>to you but at the same time fair to me.<BR> After we have seperated and have had time to move on with our agreement and<BR>all the dust settles, we can file for divorce at that time. I feel this is<BR>the best thing to do right now. I have a clue as to your true feelings for<BR>me and I now how I feel towards you these days. Putting all that together<BR>has brought me to this decision, one that I need to stick to and carry out.<BR>Although you may feel the door is being closed on you, it's not. It will be<BR>all up to you if you plan to somehow get back together. I fought to keep<BR>this marriage together for the past 2+ yrs, the whole time while you were<BR>out having fun with [censored] and leading me to think things were getting better.<BR>Now it's your turn to fight. It's your choice. Just know it's not going to<BR>be easy, but you need to decide whether or not it's worth it. You are free<BR>to move on just as I am. You are even free to get back together with [censored] if<BR>you chose. Which might be the best thing for your child.....and you???<BR>Just don't expect me to be to thrilled about him. Afterall, he's the one who<BR>is responsible for breaking up my family and taking my son's mother away.<BR>You will be looked upon the same way from [censored]'s wife and children. <BR> I wish you the best Jane, I really do. As bruised as my heart is,<BR>there'll always be that space for you in it. <BR> Goodbye Jane, I love you.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Blues (edited September 30, 1999).]

blues, I read your letter and almost came to tears. My wife has had an affair. I can forgive, and maybe forget. That pain is something she is searching for. Our sons will learn and grow from this because WE, AS MEN, have determined to be better people due to this situation. I and others here know that pain. I have resolved to be there for my son no matter what. you and he our in my prayers.

Blues:<P>I'm going to be a Marriagebuilder's proofreader, OK?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But you know what, I can't care about that anymore. I'm not going to let you or him win the mental battle over me. I'm better than that, I'm better than him, I'm better than you, I'm better than the two of you combined! And I'm going to prove to you both that Im better than any of you ever dreamed of.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OK, the first line is dishonest. You do care. The rest is disrespectful---there's no need to tell your wife that you're "better" than either her or the OM. It's only inflammatory. Leave this section out.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You need to learn some lessons. First you need to be responsible for your actions. You are an adult and you knew exactly what you were doing at the time. You knew the risks and you still rolled the dice. Those dice were real good to you for a while, but in the end you lost the game. Now you need to move on to another one. You need to learn to take care of yourself. Something you've admitted you've never done. There's always been someone there for you to fall back on. You now need to walk on your own. I don't want you to worry, I'll still be there to help you get on your feet. Something you know [censored] won't do. We both need to learn how to move on. I need to learn the items stated at the start of this letter. I also need to learn how not to be manipulated by you. If this makes me an [censored] in your eyes, I'm sorry. It's something I need to do for me and my well being.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Again, there's a bunch of disrespectful judgements here. Keep this focused by "I" statements. Not YOU NEED to do this, you need to do that... you'll sound like a nag. If you're willing to be a safety net for her, let her know. If you need her to be on her own with little or no contact, let her know. But keep it "I" focused.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I feel I have the right to claim what I want and if there's anything that is considered to extreme, we can fine tune it and agree on something.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is bordering on a selfish demand. Leave it out. Let her know that you Jointly (POJA) want to agree on this, and you have some ideas. And that you'll want her input as well (negotiation skills). <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You are even free to get back together with [censored] if you chose. Which might be the best thing for your child.....and you??? Just don't expect me to be to thrilled about him. Afterall, he's the one who is responsible for breaking up my family and taking my son's mother away. You will be looked upon the same way from [censored]'s wife and children. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Leave this out. First off, you should never offer you wife "freedom" to go to the OM. The rest is disrespectful. It's also a "duh" statement---don't rub it in.<P>Overall, it's a great letter. Just clean up some of the (natural) lovebusters.<P>Your editor... K<P>

Thanks Editor...I mean K,<P>I was actually making some of those very same changes right after I posted it here. I do agree, I need to keep it respectful. That in itself will prove I'm a better person. I brought up the "better person" bit cuz it was always something she'd bring up to me. She always claimed she was a better person due to her religious beliefs and same for his. That and the things I choose to entertain myself with...movies, music, sports, etc. Basically it's always been if I didn't like the same type of entertainment she (and he) did, I was in the wrong. She always and to this day hates the fact that I can step back and look at a situation as a whole before I judge, she can't. She always judges a book by it's cover. She's rather prejudice on many issues. I hate that about her! I blame her parents for that, they're still living in the dark ages. Plus I find her stance very, very hypocritical of her beliefs. She would always say things like "why can't you be more like him?" or "I'm a real Christian, you need to be saved." or "why can't you do that?" or "any guy should know how to build that." or "so and so can do that, why can't you?"....see what I mean? I took that for all the years we've been together. She can't accept who I am and is always comparing me to others and/or wanting to change me to be like them...even "[censored]". Now I think she knows the truth. In just about every instance where she wanted or pointed out that some guy was "better" at something more than I, she soon found out something about that guy she hated....oh but don't dare point that out to her...she's NEVER wrong!<BR>Oh the stories I could post on this board...:|<P>Anyways, I need to cut off my ties with her and set my sites on Marisa... Man o'man, what a slap in the face that would be to her...to just see me with Marisa.....did I ever tell ya she told me that I'm not capable of even attracking someone like Marisa? I plan to somehow prove her wrong one day.<BR>Heck, I'm the nicest guy I know... That should be worth something..... <P>Consider the letter corrected and much nicer. I know she'll hang onto that letter for many, many years. I want her to realize just how nice I really was to her.<p>[This message has been edited by Blues (edited September 30, 1999).]