I'm desperate for help, and so impressed with the quality of the advice I've read here. Maybe one of you will be able to suggest a productive way to react to this latest chapter....

We've been married for 13 years, gradually growing more and more apart due to busy schedules and neglect, but always amicable and supportive of eachother. Very little arguing, not much intimacy either. We have 3 sons (11,7,4).

This summer I discovered my husband was having an affair, which had started as a friendship at work about 3 years ago and became physical in March 05. I was away in the country with the kids all summer when I found his cell phone records. He was extremely remorseful, telling me everything a BS would want to hear. He agreed to end the affair. I truly believed we'd be working on rebuilding the marriage and was prepared to forgive completely.

Of course when the kids and I returned home in September the affair had not ended and the OW was practically suicidal over the thought of losing him. WH agreed to see a marriage counselor with me and said he would put the affair "on hold" while we were making the effort to repair our relationship, but wasn't actually so sure we were salvageable. We made instant progress in counselling but he then admitted in our third session that he actually wanted a divorce instead of working on the marriage.

That is when I found this wonderful website and avidly read the articles and many of the forums. I started a quite successful Plan A campaign in late October, around the time WH moved into a subletted apartment nearby. He insists on coming over to be with the kids constantly, at least twice a day, putting them to bed almost every night, driving them to school, delivering special desserts. The kids haven't realized (outloud anyway) that we are separated, and WH has continually put off telling them anything about his situation. They have been told (by me) that Dad finds it easier to deal with his huge workload (at least 70 hours/week) when he has his own space to stay in.

For two months I was enjoying his constant presence and was going out of my way to be welcoming but not pressuring him to move back home. Our relationship was improving but was quite superficial. Then in late December I found evidence that he had reconnected with OW and was spending most nights at her place. Since then I've definitely ruined my Plan A efforts and can hardly get through a simple conversation without getting angry. I'm starting to have trouble hiding my feelings from the kids and it's probably a bad idea for him to continue coming over here so much until I somehow calm down about things.

Tonight we started discussing a more rigid visitation schedule and I brought up the idea that I'd like to be able to get away every other weekend, so I told him I wanted him to start staying here with the kids while I was away ( his sublet doesn't allow kids). He said the only way he'd consider that kind of a schedule was if he could take the kids over to OW's house to stay for the weekends, since he was going to be living at her place now. I was totally outraged and told him I didn't even think it was a good idea for the kids to know about OW yet, if ever, and that he would risk having the kids hate him. He said he was willing to take that chance.

My head is spinning and I have no idea what to do next, other than probably hire a lawyer tomorrow. I doubt there's any chance for the marriage to be saved, but pathetically I still really don't want to give up hope. I keep thinking that he'll somehow come out of that fog I've heard about so much here.

So my question for all of you who are still reading this is: should I try to keep the kids away from OW through professional help from lawyers, mediators, counselors, et al, possibly alienating WH forever? Or will I be better off just relaxing about the situation and not letting the kids see how appalling I think his actions are, in an effort to minimize any detrimental effect it may have on them?

I would definitely keep my kids AWAY from the OW! Protect your kids!

No, no, no meeting the OW. What do you want to teach your children about marriage and honor?

Stop the angry outbursts and demands. You may want to read up on plan B as it sounds like your WH is a classic cake eater. Can you afford to call and counsel with the Harleys?

Thanks so much for your input. It definitely seems like a good time for plan B if I can't control my anger. Luckily I'm alot calmer today, and I'm taking the kids away without WH for vacation week tomorrow so I will wait to implement plan B until we're back in town. I'd rather return to a new improved plan A though if I can, because it will be easier to keep the kids away from OW in plan A than B, right? Does anyone have any practical suggestions on how to ensure that WH doesn't start including OW in his visits with the kids if he's not seeing them at our family home?

What do you teach the children about marriage by letting the father walk all over the mother, and then acting like nothing happened?

Contact an attorney and see what you can do legally. If you feel you have not done a good solid Plan A then do so for a bit more than go to plan B. You want to leave a good impression of the changes you have made in YOU before you go to plan B. Then come here with your plan B letter so we can help you with it before you give it to your H.

Here is a great proposition for a man seeking to have an affair...:

Hi baby, I'm available now, finally got my wife to agree to the divorce. Unfortunately, my paychecks are now half of what they were when we were having our affair, and now, we have to have my kids with us for 2 of the 4 weeks of the month. But, I know my new apartment won't let me have kids, so the 3 of us need to move into your 1 bedroom for a bit. Oh, I promise, it won't be long, just gotta finish paying off my wife's mortgage on her house. So, when can I see ya next?

Nail 'em. If you did what you've said, you've clearly shown a forgiving heart, and made it safe for him to change for the betterment of both of you. I think you've given him ample of positive reinforement. I would say it's definitely time for some negative reinforcement.

-hang in there

check out this thread it will help you

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...ID=#Post2942727