We had a setback in our recovery last night. I was spying on her, thinking I would find something out about her A, but found nothing and got caught for it. This is twice this week I tried to uncover something with no concrete evidence of anything going on. We got into a big argument last night over this and she told me it was over and wanted me out. I told her I didn't want to leave. She said if I didn't leave, that her and my 2-year old daughter would, and would never come back. And that if I left, it would give her time to think things over. I feel that if I leave, I am abandoning them. If its space she wants, I want to give it to her without one of use having to leave the house. Of course with all of this going on right now, I'm quite stressed and saddened. I can't concentrate on anything at work other than writing this post. Can anyone offer any kind of advice?...thanks.

Sounds like she is being the typical WS. Don't leave. Like Melody says, if she wants space and privacy, she can go into the bathroom.

Have you talked to the wife of your boss?

Step 1: DO NOT LEAVE. PERIOD!!!!

Got that?


Step 2: Play poker?

See him, and raise the ante.

Make him put his money where his mouth is.

Show your cards to his wife.

Step 3: Do nothing else (other than Plan A) until Step 2 is accomplished.

Also, stop spying for now, you don't need to.

Sad,
This sounds a little like my situation. My WW wanted me to leave the house even before I had a clue of the affair. "I need space" "I feel like you leaving is the best chance we have to rebuild". All of this is malarky. She just doesn't want to look at you every day given what she is doing. It prompts guilt which she is trying to supress while she justifies her affair. Don't leave. Don't give her a reason to have you removed.

wothatry,
My wife wants me to trust her that she ended the affair. If I were to contact his wife again, she would become extremely irritated and end anything we that have. I'm thinking for the time being I need to work on Plan A and fulfill her EN. I have to say though, that if I don't leave, I fear she will be true to her cause and leave on her own.

Lostherlove68,

Thanks. That makes sense to me...I guess its just hard to believe that someone like my WW is capable of being so dishonest and hurtful. I have to ask though...what if she really is NOT in the A anymore?...and she is telling the truth. Is this still the same way to handle this, by not leaving?

Why would you trust an untrustworth person? Your wife needs to be truthful and open with you for a long period of time for her to EARN your trust. Until then, she needs to be an open book.

I think there is still an affair. Talk to the OM's wife. Your wife will be angry, but your marriage will survive, and it will not survive an ongoing affair.

believer,
I'm not trying to sound gullable here...just asking the questions going through my mind. My WW has no respect for OMW. Not that should matter. But my WW says that I shouldn't believe anything coming from OMW. This could be a natural defense on her part...but she would be very upset if I called her again I'm sure. And to this point she has been so upset with me, that I think she will try to end our marriage because of it, because I won't give her the "space"/time she needs to think for herself. WW is totally against any kind of counseling, other than maybe seeing someone after the divorce, so she says.

Of course she does!

OK, then calmly ask her to write a "no contact" letter to OM and show it to you. You get to mail it - or watch her click the send button. Since she works for him, the NC letter has to be customized. (Ultimately, she or he has to change jobs to establish REAL no contact.)

If she is not willing to do this, she has not ended the affair.

Also, please describe the workplace setting - type of company, etc. You may have an excellent opportunity to allege sexual harassment and OM really will have to give up everything - and NOT be with your wife.

WAT

Haha, that's a good one. Your wife has no RESPECT for the OM's wife? I think we figured that one out. And you shouldn't believe anything coming from the OM's wife? Your wife has you completely snowed.

Your wife is acting like the typical WS. Expose her. Your marriage can survive her anger, but not an on-going affair.

sadmm - get a grip!!

No respect for OMW???

Well THAT'S obvious! She has no respect for you, either!!

Don't believe anything OMW says? Come on! You shouldn't be believing anything your WIFE says.

I'm being harsh with you to try to get you turned around! You are being manipulated!

Ask her to write the NC letter. WHEN - not if - she refuses, go straight to OM's wife. Do not hesitate and MOST IMPORTANT: DO NOT TELL HER OR HINT TO HER THAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT!!

WAT

Worthatry,
Last time I talked to OMW wife, she turned around and told her WS right away about me calling. Which he then told MWS I called OMW. So even if I do this secretivly, it will come out I'm sure. But I think I need to deal with the here and the now first....about not moving out.

Everyone I hear from so far about this says not to move out at all. I take it nobody feels the opposite about this?

Sad,
I trusted my WW completely and totally with everything for 13 years. I denied my suspicions for almost 5 months even though something was obviously (to an outsider), not right. I just couldn't believe she would have an affair so I believed ALL the lies she told to cover it up. And she lied ALL the time and SMOOTHLY. When I finally got concrete proof (WW on the phone with OM explicitly discussing sexual encounters and trashing me and OMs ex-wife) I was still shocked that she could have lied like she did. You must accept that she lies and that she's very GOOD at it. Also, you will want to believe her lies are true which compounds the problem. If your reality is similar to mine, then acceptance of that reality, however unpleasant, is the first step toward improving the situation.
Peace-

THAT'S the point! You want all of it out in the open!

OF COURSE OMW talked to OM!

OF COURSE OM then told your wife!

OF COURSE your wife was mad at you!!

This was ALL predictable and expected.

What you may not realize is that OMW - probably not knowing you - believed her H's denials when she asked him about what you told her. Predictable.

Did you get any guidance before contacting OMW the first time? Did anybody predict for you the obvious? Did anybody advise you to have some hard evidence ready to rebut the expected denials?

If not, this forum failed you - or you got here later than you acted.


Nope - nobody with a pulse here tell you to move out. That's a no brainer.

Think about it. Why would you move out? What benefit could it possibly have?

WAT

Sad,
Don't move out. That would mean voluntarily leaving your daughter and your wife. You can't physically stop your wife if she wants to leave but you don't want her to go either. What are her options? Is she a stay at home mom or does she work? Does she have family or friends, or the OM who would take her in or pay for a place for her? Try to figure out her likely landing pads.