Please see my signature line for some background if needed.

It has now been about 6 months since D-Day and I find myself feeling more and more angry and disgusted with WW's A. Things have been going fairly well between us and we have made some progress. Mainly in finding out what has caused the A and and what needs to be done to reconcile the M. I just CAN NOT get the images out of my mind and have little to no trust for her. As it says in my sig line the A was with my sisters H and that is making me more and more angry everday lately. I have been betrayed by two people who I never thought would ever let me down or hurt me.

The mistakes that I am making revovle around the fact that I just don't want to talk to her some nights and don't want her to talk to me. It seems that she is moving on like nothing happened and I am still very upset and hurt at times. I try to not think about the A and look to the future, but sometimes I can't help it.

I am sure that by behavior will probably begin to push her away and at times I am not sure that I really care. Then other times I regret giving her the "cold shoulder" all evening.

I want her to understand that her A has torn an entire family apart and finally wake to the pain that it has caused everyone, not just me and DD.

I guess I am just venting here, but if anyone has felt this way I would appreciate some input or advice on how to deal with this.

Thanks,
K

Have you posted on the recovery board? I understand that there is a big hump around the 6 month mark.

Did your wife answer all of your questions about the affair?
Is she willing to discuss your hurts and doubts, and make you feel safe?

KRK18,

I know how you feel...I go up and down on the rollercoaster of feelings myself...I switch between trying to fulfill my H's ENs, doing somewhat of a Plan A (even though there is NC), and then other times, like the last couple days, I have barely spoken to him, other than what is necessary to say...I understand what you are saying about wanting her to know she has caused all of this pain...she probably does know, but is trying to push it all under the rug and move on...My H does not like to talk about his A because he does not want to resurrect all the pain, on both sides.

Are you and your W in counseling? Since this has affected not just your immediate family, but your extended family also, this would be a good idea...


I don't really have much other advice, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in what you are feeling...

No, I have not posted on the Recovery Site yet, but will do so.

WW told me details of the A when it was discovered/revealed. Since that time she nas no desire to talk about anything regarding it and I see no willingness to discuss my hurts or fears. And I don't feel safe at all. I am more apt to see an attorney at this point, but WW does not want to end the M. She confuses me.

At this point you are the biggest threat to your marriage. Can you afford counseling with the Harleys?

Mamafish,

Thanks for the reply. I am sorry to see that you are going through the same thing, but am relieved to see that I am not alone.

We are not, nor do I ever believe that we ever will be in counseling. She is opposed to it, plain and simple.
I am not in IC either at this time.


Believer,

No I can't afford counseling with the Harley's at this time.

krk18,

We cannot afford counseling with the Harleys' either...My H and I went to MC 3 x but stopped due to insurance issues...It didn't really help me very much because the MC wanted me to move forward, and of course so did my H...I would like to start again when possible...H goes to IC. I never have but think I probably should...

So, we are both around the 6 mos mark....it is very tough...

Have you done any of the MB principles with your W? Read HNHN and SAA? The EN and LB questionnaires? There is a lot here that you can do without the expense of counseling....AT first, I insisted on doing this, and we did the EN questionnaires separately ... We have yet to discuss them w/ each other and it has been about 6 wks...we talk about the A, and then it gets too much for him....If I don't bring up talk about the M, then he doesn't and he thinks everything is fine...as you know, it is not...it just gets to be hard to deal with...you want to move forward and act normal and there is only so much time in the day...if we are getting along, I don't want to spoil it by talking about the A, you know what I mean?

You say that your W is opposed to counseling...What is her reason for this? Is she committed to the M? You could try doing these things on your own (the MB stuff) and take what will work for you...

I feel like I"m in limbo because nothing is getting done...we are not in MC, we haven't been doing MB, and I feel like he thinks everything is fine. We are slipping back to the way it was pre-A, with us not talking to each other, and I think maybe I am expecting too much too soon...I thought we'd be better off in 6 mos but we are not there yet..

Mamafish,

You are EXACTLY where I am. Evey word you just said echo'd my feelings at this point. WOW!!!

Yes I and only I have done the EN questionaire and it kinda made me realize what I have been doing wrong.

I believe her reason for not wanting MC is that we have been together sooooooooo long and been through so much that we can work this out on our own. I agree with her about that, but I feel that I may soon need IC.

Do you sometimes see your H seem and I mean seem to come out of the fog and then all of the sudden things are distant again? I feel that way from time to time and it kinda makes me take a step back. I am very guarded right now. I am sure you understand this.

BTW, WW says that she is commited to M and wants to work it out, has NEVER said a word about wanting a D. I guess that is good.

K,

I'm glad that someone else is going through what I am!!

How has your W been meeting your ENs? My H and I did the Qts separately but rated each other now, and pre-A...he was not meeting my ENs pre-A, and is better now but still not all there..I think he is afraid that when we talk about it, he will know for sure how he is not meeting my ENs and I feel that I 'm meeting his pretty well..He says that the only reason he cheated was that he felt rejected by me for SF...his A was only about sex and he was never leaving me...

If your W also is committed, and thinks that you can do it on your own (my H said the same thing, the MC was costing way too much $), then I would print out the questionnaires and tell her that you want to do this for both of you, to make the M stronger than before.

My H is not really in the fog...his A ended one month before DDay...He was in the fog throughout the A and was very very distant from me in every aspect. He also has never said one word about Divorce, like your W.

But sometimes he seems very forthcoming and direct and other times, he is distant. I think alot has to do with him not feeling 'safe' enough to answer my questions...I try to reward his honesty with calmness instead of anger and sadness, but it is easier said than done... He is ashamed of his actions so he doesn't want to talk about it..I don't know what he and his IC talk about...I have respected his privacy on that issue...I don't know if the IC is advising him on how to deal with me or not...the IC knew about the A all along...He would love for me to get over it and never discuss it again...

I also think that I will need some IC soon...or some Antidepressents...I was feeling very hopeful a while ago when we seemed to be working together...now it seems like we are in limbo...

I am planning to talk to my H this weekend..I think if you try approaching her from the point of view that you can understand her pain, she may be less distant...I tried that with my H and it seemed to help...I'm guilty of a lot of love busters though, and that seems to cancel out the good things....

Will she read the books or post on here? we dont' have a computer at home so my H can't post...he is glad that I have an outlet to get my feelings out...he has read some of the stuff...If you approach her that you need to work on the marriage and do xyz, maybe she will do it...during my H's A, I asked him to go to MC with me many times, and even said I would go to C with his IC if he wanted...he thought we didn't have a problem because he knew he wasn't leaving me...we never went to MC before this happened...If you tell your H that you need to do this to heal and recover, maybe she will be more receptive to MB..I dont find MB to be blaming of the WS...I think it takes both S to be responsible for the marriage Pre-A...

I'll check back to see how you are doing...I will be out of the office next week, but will check in from the library...I hope we both have good things to report.