Well W stayed hoome last night. A friday night. Maybe she finally realized how much she has broke us. After last night it would have been better she wasn't home. What a night. She is absolutly dead set on one of us moving out and selling the house. I don't want to sell the house and Im not going to move out. She makes over double what I make she has done very well for her self and Im proud of her for that. I think that is part of the reason she thinks she is better off without me. She probably is. I told her I dont want a divorce. she said I don't think we should rush into one right now I just want to be by myself.

I need some help reviewing this statement she made to me.
"WA your a great guy. I want to love you but I can't right now"
What does that mean. Either she wants to or she doesn't.

She keeps telling me I don't listen to her and that the last couple weeks shes just telling me what I want to hear and she can't do it anymore shes done. I said I know you've said you want to be done and you want me to move but Im not moving and I don't want to be done. She Show some pride in yourself and F-ing let me go. Me that wouldn't be showing myself pride.

I asked her if she moves out when is she going to talk to her parents. She said she was going to talk to them. I asked her what are you going to tell them whats been going on. She said. If you think Im leaving just b/c of what I did with OM your wrong I've lost my love for you oveer a year ago and I can't get it back.
I said well i guess that is a good reason for a divorce.
she. you didn't want to work on it a year ago why the f--- you think I should work on it now. And don't play the we have a kid together cards either.
I said Im not playing those cards but we do have to consider her little heart in all of this.
She I told you Im done so move out.
ME Im not the one that chose someone elses bed in the first place Im not going.
she We can split pumkin 50/50 she is half yours and half mine.
me Thats not a very good life for a young child to go back in forth everyday. she needs a comfort home.
she. she will be just fine. We don't have to get ugly about this and we can still be friends and take pumkin to the park together and hang out together. I don't want us to be bitter towards each other. No ones going to pay child support or anything. I'll take care of daycare ok.
me I was just silent full of tears. I just wanted to scream at her and say if you think Im going to let my little girl go back in forth house to house you got another f-ing thing coming. This is going to get ugly b/c I am going for full custody weather you want it or not and you will be paying support. I was so furious i could have strangeled her!

She said it will be alot of work selling the house and movin all of our stuff but we're going to have to do it its what I want and I want to do something I want for once so there.
I said I would rather put all that work and effort into our marriage and I thought you wanted a new house I thought you wanted to move hear.
She Shut Up I told you we are done.

Can I just say if were done why the he11 get seperated and drag this damn thing out. go get the damn papers drawn up and lets get it over with then. AAAAAAAAHHHAHAHHHHHHHAH!!!

Last night she got a voice message from OMs mom!!! His mom said W the is OM's mom he wanted me to let you know what is going on. he is in jail until march 3 or 30 I cant remember now. what she said. She didn't give a return number though and that ticked me off.

So this is either a blessing or this could not be good for me. The blessing is that atleast she wont be with him so much besides when she goes and talks to him in jail. Maybe she'll really sit down now and think about us.

The this could not be good for ole WA. She'll come back to me and take everything out on me and bleame me for everthing. By that I mean the A never died a natural death. It will still be what she wants and she'll realize she cant have it so everything will be turned around towards me. because Im still here.

I don't know. Your right Im still letting her get to me with her words and actions. I think I do this b/c I still love her and I want so bad to trust her so I keep askin her and talkin. I just have to back off I guess. I want her so bad to come back so we can have a happy family together. I think it will devastate me every time I do something with her and pumkin if we are not together. I can't help but to want to hug her and put my hand on her back and that stuff I just still love her so much.

She doesn't feel the same. I hurts me so bad to know this. I want her to be happy so I think that Im going to go ahead and file. Who cares if Im happy anymore as long as she will be. I'll do what she wants once again.

Im totally confused and lost and sad. Im just a damn wreck.
Im still tryin but Im just pushin her away so today is going to be the first day of the rest of my life that the love of my life will not be a part of my life anymore. besides what we have with punky. I don't want to do this but I want to see her happy again. Maybe that will make me happy.

I DON"T KNOW!!

Big breaths, WA...deep and long on the exhale.

These are the most difficult talks imaginable...speaking alien doesn't come easily. You don't have to. The listen and repeat would have sufficed. However, I know you know and did your very best.

" She Show some pride in yourself and F-ing let me go. Me that wouldn't be showing myself pride."

You handled that statment really well. If you do the listen and repeat, though, you limit your emotional reactivity. I'm here for your support and protection. I'm not telling you you're wrong.

"I hear you see me as insecure and holding onto you. I believe I am showing my pride in my changes and desire to save the marriage. I do not have the power to hold onto you or to let you go. You have your choices. I choose our marriage."

"Profanity is abuse. This is another thing I have recognized and changed in myself. I apologize for using it in the past and have committed to not allowing myself to abuse you anymore. I will not allow myself to be verbally abused, either. Please stop or I will have to leave the room."

This isn't arguing, but setting your boundaries, WA. There's the strength of pride, not tolerating her crossing your boundaries that is missing right now. Plan A isn't weak, it is strength, consciousness and dedication. It is also where you carefully eliminate the self-betrayal that you've been doing so that you don't create new resentments, feel harsh pain.

"WA your a great guy. I want to love you but I can't right now" I know I'm weird but I hear something positive in this very usual statment from WS...she said "right now."

"I hear you believe I'm a great guy but that you are not allowing yourself to love me right now, is that correct?"

Here is where you created your own pain in that statement:
"What does that mean. Either she wants to or she doesn't."

You judged her by your standards instead of hearing her beliefs and handing them back. You can't know what she means because she doesn't know or isn't telling you. She wants to be heard. Listen and repeat. Let go your judgments as an act of love to yourself. Tell your inner child that these words she is saying aren't forever...there will be a time when you can listen and let her know what you heard, not just repeat (the next step)...future answer "I'm hearing you can love me again but not just right now?"

That would be the future, when communication is stronger and she knows you will listen and repeat...when she feels heard as habit. If you were to do that now, she would hear an argument; she might hear you twisting her words, or that you are saying she's a bad communicator, a liar or stupid.

"She keeps telling me I don't listen to her and that the last couple weeks shes just telling me what I want to hear and she can't do it anymore shes done." Perfect for handing back...full of contradictions (which you don't emphasize)..."I hear you still do not feel I hear you. That you have been saying things to please me, like lying to me, and that you can no longer do that. That you're done misrespresenting yourself?"

Okay, I strayed a little into your filter, but I know you can clean that up. You may feel all my play by play is useless...conversation over, of no use to you. However, replaying with new words in your mouth to her in your own head teaches your brain how you want to react in the present and future. Your brain has no time whatsoever. Doesn't know real conversations from imagined ones. Brain training is close to obsessive thoughts, but you can use it to strengthen your truth, validate how you respond so that your brain will hand you what it believes you want, even flooded with all the signals from your heart.

"If you think Im leaving just b/c of what I did with OM your wrong I've lost my love for you oveer a year ago and I can't get it back." "I hear you believe that what your affair was okay because you did not love me, is that correct? And that leaving your marriage now is okay because you have not loved me in a year?"

"she. you didn't want to work on it a year ago why the f--- you think I should work on it now. And don't play the we have a kid together cards either." Crucial statement here. Meant to rile you, attack and have you react defensively. Takes a lot of pre-thought training not to react to this.

"I hear you believe I did not want to change a year ago to save our marriage. I hear you feel resentful and maybe controlled because now that I want to, you're feeling pressure because I'm deciding it is time. I can understand that. I have been ignorant of how my actions affected you and that is not the husband I am now. I only have the present and cannot change the past. My only time is now, but I can see how it feels controlling to you. I did not understand how to demonstrate my love, cherish you, or protect our marriage. I am very sorry and very willing to respect, listen, support and be an equal partner in our marriage."

And then, "I said profanity is abusive. I need to leave this discussion now."

Then you do.

How would that have been? To have stopped this painful conversation, full of attacks and DJs because you were enforcing your boundary?

Your wife is full of DJs and AOs...she is abusive. I don't believe this ends a marriage, in my experience, but that changes. I also believe you both had a pattern of this before you knew better. This is before she knows better, too.

Since it didn't happen this way...

"She I told you Im done so move out." "I hear you saying that you are done and will move out. I respect your choice."

"me I was just silent full of tears. I just wanted to scream at her and say if you think Im going to let my little girl go back in forth house to house you got another f-ing thing coming. This is going to get ugly b/c I am going for full custody weather you want it or not and you will be paying support. I was so furious i could have strangeled her!" Now, you didn't scream, strangle or LB...your tears are authentic expression. You didn't profane (and need to stop that even in your head...I know our society doesn't help, but it is an essential part of your code...picture those words coming from pumkin's mouth in one more year). This isn't suppressing your feelings, it is respecting your code. You did this. Don't lose how much you've changed and congratulate..hug yourself for it, please?

"She Shut Up I told you we are done."

Did you get "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" book? Really. Get it. Read it. "Dance of Anger" is another good one. You guys have patterns, and you are being abused.

My heart hurts for ya...protect your heart and do not allow any belief to reside in it that says you deserve this abuse, that it is healthy expression or she isn't responsible for it. Those truths need to be established in you.

Find OM's mother's phone number and address. Exposure is imperative and you have a lead. No caller id? Since he's in jail, that would mean public record. You can do this. These people need to know about the affair, that they have been lied to--you're not seperated or divorced. That you are trying to save your marriage.

My H's A didn't die a natural death. We're good because of it. Could be he wouldn't have recovered from his A if it had done so...piles on more guilt, anguish and self-hatred. You never know. God is working in your life...you're not alone. Trust that. Do not jump into the future...not one minute, WA. That is self-betrayal. Stay present. OM is in jail and it is what it is. Period. Inform and educate yourself. Expose, expose and expose.

How strong are you take her anger when she's attacking, directing at you, but you are not responsible for it? Can you believe enough to know it will be like she's saying, "I hate your purple head!! It annoys me, drives me crazy...I wish you didn't have a purple head!!" Train your thoughts now to know...that would be her truth, not your truth. Do mental drills to see that you are not responsible for her feelings and thoughts--which are like tornados of guilt, shame, anguish, wanting desperately to make it your fault (as she did in last night's conversation) because she cannot bear it being solely hers right now. She can't. She will...in tiny pieces, taken slowly, if you are loving, supportive, and knowledgeable not to believe what she believes. Only that she believes it.

"I don't know. Your right Im still letting her get to me with her words and actions. I think I do this b/c I still love her and I want so bad to trust her so I keep askin her and talkin." You believe she's getting to you because you love her? Or because you want her to demonstrate her love to YOU in a certain way? Your love is patient, enduring, kind, faithful and respectful. You can drop the expectation of her demonstrating love to you for right now. You can. It will not affect your love for her.

Keep listenin' and repeatin'...not askin' and talkin'. She owns where she is at--you don't. Love is tough, WA. You make it tougher with every expectation and desire you allow yourself to have it different right now. That's in your control. Get the pain to its real level. Don't add to the crap.

Do that for the love of yourself. You're worth it.

"I want her to be happy so I think that Im going to go ahead and file. Who cares if Im happy anymore as long as she will be. I'll do what she wants once again."

She will not be happy divorced. She is as confused and lost as you are. Believe that. By you filing for that reason is like sentencing her to death--living her guilt, frustration, abuse and not giving her a way home...to happiness. I know you love her more than that. She can file. She can own her actions--she's not now. She can and will depending on if you stop attempting to control her destiny. Respect her, WA. Accept she's lost, has a disease of WS, a crisis of faith, and love her anyway.

"Im still tryin but Im just pushin her away so today is going to be the first day of the rest of my life that the love of my life will not be a part of my life anymore. besides what we have with punky. I don't want to do this but I want to see her happy again. Maybe that will make me happy."

Today, you can feel this way. Then sleep on it. Breathe deeply, nurture and hug yourself. You are not crazy, unlovable or unworthy. You are not pushing her away at all. You are her husband, arms open, new and knowledgeable. You are twenty times the man you were a year ago. You are choosing to believe what she believes...and that is your choice. You own that. You can stop believing that at any time.

You cannot make your wife happy. She cannot make you happy. If you both had that power, then you would be responsible for her feelings and she, yours. You would also make her mad, push her away, feel frustrated, guilty, shameful, resentful...you would live her feelings and she would have to live yours. This is your control freak. It isn't real or possible. You are two seperate humans. If you continue to believe you can make her happy, then you cannot have a respectful marriage.

Respect that you each are responsible for your own happiness. That is why you are in Plan A...you are owning your actions and have a goal to rebuild your marriage (equals making yourself happy). You are doing it for you and your precious daughter. You are doing it to be a real man, brave and true. Not to make your wife happy.

Take this day and feel your own feelings, know they are yours and where they come from. Care for yourself, yourheart, your daughter, your house. Your choices. Feel your power and your pain. Know you're human. And you're not alone.

We're here...God's with you, too. Pray for your own courage, love and know that this is not a steady ride with sign posts for turns. Take yourself out of your wife and re-seat yourself within your life. YOu are the key. The lighthouse. The place of rightness because you are saving your marriage...you can't see it right now.

Learn more...read more...practice your reactions. You can do this. I have faith in you. You are remarkable, even when no one's looking.

LA

Hello,

I will just throw in my two cents. She sounds like a very spoiled little brat. You married a serial cheater (cheated in every relationship) and therefore is a constant liar. She continues to humiliate, disrespect and put your at great risk for STD's. I cannot believe you continue to have sex with her while she is having sex with another man and again putting your health at great risk. You need to be tested at once. Her comment about you having no respect for yourself is very painful. Clearly she has very little respect for you and your family. You sound like a great guy. Unfortunately you married a woman with a broken moral compass who is a serial cheater in every relationship she ever had. The bottom line is that you married the wrong woman. Imagine what it would be right to marry the right woman. If you do not have respect for yourself then who will? You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Enough is enough. Why would you want to raise a child with a wife who engages in such harmful behavior to you and your family. Don't waste your life on her because clearly she does not deserve and will continue to harm you. Ask yourself why you wish to love a person who shows such distain for you and your feelings? I wish you luck.

Hi, Bryan...looks like you've been around a really long time on MB. I'm surprised at your post.

I hear you saying that my own H married the wrong woman. I hear you saying that I, with my broken moral compass, serial cheating ways and no respect for anyone made me wrong...not worth loving or growing with. That divorce would be better on our kids than redemption.

Would the OW been a better choice for my H? Would she be the right woman? Oh, wait...she was cheating, too. Would his first love have been better? Oh, wait. She was a serial cheater also. How about the next one...who dumped him because he was using her for sex?

Nope. Not the right one. How many do you go through, like kleenex, before you don't make your life dependent on another person being the right one?

Or do you stay, like my H did, for 19 years, in the 19th year, and get a woman who will never choose to cheat again. Who will own what she does and what she believes--who chooses to meet ENs, make daily lovebank deposits, and respect herself and her life? It happens. A lot of times, a lot sooner than 19 years! (I was a hard core case).

We didn't get here, to the good stuff, doing as you are...judging a person by their actions...making them good or bad as a person by what they do. No, that got us to the brink of divorce. Thank God we loved anyway.

WA, you can take this manly advice and choose to believe that this is a good way to live. Won't make a marriage, or even a partnership, but it will make you feel righteous.

I don't see the self-respect in it, because I see your own self respect growing every day you Plan A. Could just be my perspective, huh?

Just decide if you want to be a parent to your spouse or a mate.

LA

LA Ive always had alot of respect for your advice and Icant hardly wait for the suggestions you have to give. You are right about marring the right person. People are who they are I knew my wife did some things before we got married we talked about it. I still married her and for over 6 years she has been faithful to me. I know I was to something right. I just got to relaxed in the relationship and started to take things and feelings for granted I know that now. And I've accepted whats happened in the past has happened. Its done we cant change it. Im looking know to my future and just taking it day by day.

W went to get her hair done today and was gone for awhile when she came home she seemed fairly pleasant. We were sitting in the living room together and she asked what we going to do?
me I going to continue what Im doin and try to save my marriage thats my choice.
she no the house.
me what you want to do with the house is your choice and I respect that. then I just walked out the roomm and got the laundry and changed subjects and told her how much I got done today and she smiled and said all I did was sit on my butt and get my hair did for 5 hours. I just kinda chuckled and say you wont want to be sitting for awhile then huh.

So I was on my way to my grampas birthday party with the girls and I get a phone call from W.
WHAT DID YOU TELL MY MOM! TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU TOLD HER!
me W I told her everything that is going on
she I thought you were going to do your parents and I do mine
me W we agreed to try to work this out ourselves me and you. I've been trying for over a month and I haven't seen a change in your actions. I went to your mom b/c I needed them to know the truth. Im sorry I can't keep your secret for you anymore.
she What did you do that for.
me I just told you. Im did because I want to save my marriage and I think we need our families more than anything right now.
she didn't really say much. Just told me she was going to stay at her friends house.
me okay.

I then talked to her mom and her mom told me that W started crying and said that she doesn't know what to do. MIL said I can assure you that that man loves you very much and I hope you take the time and stay out of the bar and get rid of this other guy and really think about this.
w said I know.

So well see what comes about I guess.

Thanks again LA.

Oh, you're so welcome. By not believing you have to choose the right person, then you don't have the strain of being the right one, either, see? Acceptance. I really hear that in your opening paragraph. Thank you.

Great on enforcing your boundaries, staying respectful and truthful. And funny (loved the butt humor).

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You sound good. How are you feeling? How was grandpa's party?

How is pumkin?

Be proud of yourself, know you're amending the past neglect and that you are amazing.

LA

LA I went to grandpas birthday it was good but I am soo sad. She didn't come home last night I know she told me she wasn't going to. She told me again last night to quit fighting its over. We're done. I cant help but let those words get to me. I told her you are done I am still fighting for or marriage. she your wasting your time get over it. Me Im sorry I still belive in us. SHE well its over!!

I don't know about this whole seperation thing. She is staying with a friend. She doesn't feel the loneliness. she has someone to talk to. you know what I mean. maybe I should be out of the house so she has to be the responsible one at home. Right now Im just so sad. I dont want to lose her. It seems like Im not doing anything right.

I said to her last night if its over and there is nothing I can do or say to help us get back together then how come we don't just get a divorce. She because I don't think we should rush into that right now.

Do I accept that statement as saying hey there is a chance this will turn out for the good.

Pumkin is fine. Dad is tryin to be as strong as he can be for her.

I just hope someday I can get past all this pain. I want to be with my W. I have to keep trying. I just have to.

Just got home from church to a crying W. She was on the phone with Im assuming FIL. She is completely pist off. She said How could you go behind my back and do this to me? Me I seen you for the last month hurting bad. I haven't been able to help you so I went to your family b/c you need them. She you can help me be just getting over it and let me go. Me W i didn't do this to hurt you I did this because I love you and I care very deeply about you. I want you to know that if you want to talk Im here. She shut up and get out. we're done!!

Holy cow is she ever mad. I think me and the girls will probably just leave for awhile and let her be.

What else is she going to fire at me now. I hope I can handle it calmly. As much as I hurt seeing her crying her eyes out I feel this could be the breaking point. I really have to try to stand back now because obviously she is going to be mad as a hornet for awhile. Im going to have a hard time not wanting to give her a hug or something you know. I know i cant I have to just sit back and let this go through her head. God i hope she reconsiders our marriage.
I talked with my aunt for 3 hours last night and I just still cant get past this hurt.

Well we'll see how the rest of today goes hopefully she decides to stay home atleast.

W is totally devastated. She is really pist says If had a chance I just blew it by going behind her back and telling her parents. Her sister called and said that she cant believe she would slap her family in the face this is wrong it a slap to the face. W is taking this very hard. I hugged here told her that we can get through this. She said her other sister and brother will never talk to her again now. I said Ill be more than happy to stand beside you sll the way through this. If you decide you want to talk to them I will go with you. Im here for you.

I found a number to OMs mom. Called her and said you don't know me and I don't know you but you know W? she yeah me W is my W and her and OM have been having an A. She also has a 14 month old daughter at home and this is tearing my family apart. She Im truely sorry I really am. me Im asking you out of respect for me and family if you would talk to OM and tell him bo back off. She Ill talk to him. How did you get this number? I said I just have it ok. thank you good night.

I hope I did alright. I feel like such a pile today. My W is totally devasted and I feel my marriage is done for sure now. What a day.

If anyone has any ideas and suggestions on what is in store for me in the next couple days I would really appreciate some warnings on what to prepare myself for. Suggestions anything. My rebound bank is almost empty and I need all the help I can get to fill it up again. thanks

I screwed up and forgot to dial *67. I was so excited I found a number. I guess I'll just have to deal with it. AAAAAAHHHHHHH MAN> Why is this so hard!!!

Hang in there Where,

They tell me that this is what the WS always says. More babble....The next couple of weeks will likely be he11 and she will be angry, bitter, confused, etc. You will be public enemy no. 1 for ruining her little A and showing it the light of day. I anticipate that I, myself, am in for some anger that will make a nuke going off look tame if certain things come to pass this week for me and my WW.

Say it with me...I will not LB, DJ, etc. I will state over and over again, ad nauseum, I only did what I did in order to save our M and protect our children. This has to be the mantra in the face of venom being spewed by WW.

thanks hope, Ill be thinkin of ya just prepare yourself for the If you thought we had a chance we don't anymore forsure line. Its been a tough one for me to handle.

Hang in ther. I will not LB, DJ, etc.

{{{{{{{{WA}}}}}}}}}

Wow. Big changes, sort of. I'm so sorry. And sooo proud.

"She told me again last night to quit fighting its over. We're done. I cant help but let those words get to me."

You can help not let those words get to you. Think...she wants you to cave so she isn't the bad guy. Every WS does this. You don't cave, well, then you mess up her plans and she shoulders her choices.

Tell yourself what you already know...her beliefs are not yours. They are hers. Yours are that you know love can come back full throttle, you know how it works for us humans, that your girls are worth it. They need your example desperately and they need Mom back (pumkin); and you need her back. Not WW, but W.

You're allowing yourself to go into her head where you have no respectful business being...right? You are saying she won't be lonely. You've been in Plan A...she is already missing you. Right now, all those deposits try to get blocked by her guilt. Guess what? She wants to seperate because of her guilt, not you. You're the lighthouse, the loving anyway guy, who believes strongly, acts from his code and takes care of business. Very hard to face when you're a WS who isn't doing ANY of those things, right?

Compassion for yourself is as important as compassion for your WW. You're forgetting the part of your code that says, What I don't allow myself to do to others, I will not allow me to do to myself.

Repeat after me.

Repeat again.

You are doing this great person, WA. Treat yourself with that same love and compassion.

"had a chance I just blew it by going behind her back and telling her parents." HopeandPray nailed this for ya...said every time by WS. You are impervious. You stand for truth...honesty and openness. Sooner exposed, sooner through this. You were just a tad late on delivering that, so it is more difficult right now. Know that you do not believe what your WW believes...so her threat is her own, not real.

"I feel like such a pile today. My W is totally devasted and I feel my marriage is done for sure now. What a day. "

You're gonna have those days...give yourself peptalks to adjust your perspective. Your wife is not totally devastated...her actions and choices have been exposed to her family and that guilt and shame skyrocketed. Not the same thing as devestated. You recognize you're just feeling like the marriage is lost today...but you know in your heart and mind that it isn't. These are the death throes of the affair, not your marriage.

Somedays it is hard to tell the difference.

Also, exposing to OM's mom was super. Now, what about his work?

You are the light bringer. You are the lighthouse. Do not forget that. You do not believe what WW believes...you are not destroying anything (her actions are damaging, not yours)...you are fighting darkness to save your marriage.

And you're growing leaps and bounds.

So today, another day, you walk tall, chin up, eyes on the prize, and know that what you believe matters. Shore up your beliefs, know them, evaluate them and learn even more. Today. Just today.

LA

Thanks LA. I jsut got home from work. Started a new job today. So far so good. worked from 8am until 10 pm. Had W go get pumkin. she got home just in time to get her. so obviously she had to stay home tonight. good deal. Sounds like Ill be able to work late pretty much all week. That will help keep her home. Thing is I already miss my little tiger. Im sleeping in a different room tonight. W says we are seperated so we cant sleep together. I know I should make her sleep in the other bed but to be honest today Im just to wore out to even put up with her BS.

She texted me alot today for being seperated. Tomorrow she has the day off so if she text me at all I think Im just going to say I can text her right now Im busy and wait a few hours and just keep conversation to the short answers like someone on MB suggested.

your right about the loving anyway guy. thats me. Im just tryin to do the best I can. Is there any sign that you know of that she may be coming out of her fog. I guess to me she still seems pretty foggy bt yesterday seeing he so sad I think she was clear as a bell. She texted me once today and said she was sad. I said me too. if you need an ear or a shoulder to cry on you may use mine. She ok. then like when I get home it seems like she thinks she has to act all tough like she is runnin the place and the rules. You know what maybe Ill just go back to my bed an sleep there she don't like it she can leave.

Well thanks again for the advice guys and anymore thought or suggestions please let me know.

thanks

Remind her disrespect for you is not acceptable. She will challenge that, throw back in her face the question: Is this what your 'friends' are teaching you? You are hanging around men who teach you to be disrepectful to your family?'

L.

Wow. that was sooner than I thought. W got a phone call from OMs sister saying that I called OMs mom. Wow is she ever pist now. She abosolutely doesn't want a thing to do with me. Nothing. Im sure its over now. I dont have a prayer. she hates me.

Keeps saying I went behind her back and know im telling all kinds of lies. I just tell her I did it because I want to try to save my marriage. she just left. Mad mad mad. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to leave I just cant seem to act like this doesn't bother me. Im so so worked up right know i could scream!!

I still love her to much. she hates me. she really does. I can't believe I can care about someone so much when they don't even give a lick of S991 about me. AAAAAHAHHHAHA

she gone!
we're done now. I guess.

Tell the WS, 'for the sake of the truth' you'd go behind, in front of, sideways all around a WS. Then ask her, do you know why?

Of course, she will babble some stupid stuff, then tell her....'because a WS does not tell the truth or want to heal....the WS wants to play in the dark and lie to those who love the real person the WS is trying to squish.'

There.....you will have blown her reason to accuse you. After all you don't want to married to a WS, do you? You want t/b married to your W.

So don't consider this the end. It is a good thing the WS is calling it quits.....just what kind of quits s/b defined. Don't assume. When the WS says...that's it.

Jump for joy and say.....'it is? You are done being a WS?'

LOL!!

Reverse babble.....gotta love it.

L.

(((((WA)))))

Re-read your threads, WA. Go back and you'll see, you've felt this before. You are believing she is in control of the marriage and you are not. Understandable, but not reasonable.

You keep your part...she is responsible for hers. I said "I'm done" "It's over" so many times. He left, and came back. It happens. Please do not believe what she believes...you have your own truth. Stand by it. Know it. Use that reverse babble.

"I hear you're really angry about your and OM's choice to be in an affair."

That keeps the motivations of why you did it, because you want to save the marriage out of the answer. "You must hate me to make me this mad!"

"You believe I hate you because you are this angry, is that correct?"

Takes a lot of nodding and understanding nonverbal assurances when you speak. You cannot RB if you are believing what she is saying as YOUR TRUTH. You will be reactive and say, "No! It is not what you think!"

Ever see on tv the Peanuts gang and how their parents talk? WAH WANAH WAHANANA...well, that is what your countering what she says sounds to her...she expects, hears and is caught up in her own flaming guilt and shame...full of fear and chaos...so hand her the RB with respect. Contemplation and even reverence.

You are married. It ain't over until a judge says it is and that takes a lot of time, effort and confronting the truth of her actions to get there. People in As don't look at themselves or act like they are in a marriage much, you notice?

Is he out of jail yet? Congrats on the new job...goes neatly along with the new you. You can do this...don't throw yourself away at any point. You are valuable and worthy. You are loving and not hateful. You are brave and true to your precious pumkin and your wife...when she gets back...and not your WS.

Seperate the financials if you can, so that her on her own (even with friends...which wears out big time) will show up even in the week she might be gone, as something you two have together. Protect pumkin. If she's gone longer than a week, maybe you could file for seperation custody (not a divorce) for abandonment. That would keep your family intact until your real wife returns, 'k?

In prayers...re-read...re-know...believe in yourself.

LA

P.S. And LISTEN TO ORCHID!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The past couple days have really been ****** here. I went out last night and boy was she pist off. saod she already had plans and I just said well you can find a sitter like I have the past few weeks and go out then if it means that much to you. I spent the night at a friends house. I confronted OM last night at the bar. Told him to stay away from my wife and quit ruining an innoccent childs life. He told me I swear on my daughter that its over between us. Then I said so you'll quit callin her and when she calls you you wont answer. He said I still want to be her friend. I no. Then he walked away. Probably a good thing he did b/c moments later I think I broke my hand by punching the wall. All I could think about was punching him. I didn't because I am the bigger man.

My W left tonight and said she wouldn't be home till in the morning she is staying at a friends house. HAHA shes so smooth. we havent spent the night together in the same house since wed.

I really don't know what to do. its so hard not to LB, and DJ withthe abbundance of hate she is throwing at me. I miss her, I still want her to stay here. Do I leave for awhile and make her be a mom. She told me tonight that I need to spend more time with pumkin. WHAT!! I just said yes I do need to spend more quality time with my baby girl. Thats why Im here.

I Think im going to go see a lawyer. Its been one week tomorrow since my W has let me hug her. I dont know if i can sit here like this anymore. I need to see what my options and things are. I really don't want to serve right now but maybe that will wake her up. I just dont know. Me and my daughters have to move on with or without WW.

Im just so tore down exhausted and sad.
what did I do to deserve all this? Ya know! what to do.

Well last night I brought my little pumkin to my brothers. I followed my wife. she went to his house so I went to the door and asked to talk to my wife the roomate tried to act stupid with me so I just said yeah the one in OMs room that my W. I need to talk to her. It took her forever to come talk to me. when she did she told me I a blankin blankin loser and its over an you don't listen to me do you. So I said W the only reason I am here is to tell you im sorry good bye. She then leave we'll talk about it tomorrow. I said I have nothing else to say. You just chose where you would rather be.

I was so furious I packed her neccessities and clothes and I brought them ove to OMs house and put them on the sidewalk in front of the front door.

I just cant do this to myself anymore. I know I still love her but nothing is going to change what she is doing. Its what she wants she can have now. ALL the time. Im done.

I wrote her a letter saying that this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do is let someone go that I truely deeply love and care about. I also told her that she is the one that told me she was happier there than at home so she can just stay there.

Im going to get an attorney tomorrow. I have to move on. I still know there is a chance that this might make her wake up but I believe she is just in too deep and will never come out for a really long time. Ive already wrote a list of things she will have to do if she decides she still wants to work on us. The day she says that to me is the day I will present that to her.

I just don't know. Ya know some might say this is not right and I screwed up any chance of ever making things right but you know what I cant put my life in the hands of this woman anymore. And I have a precious little girl that needs me now more than ever.

I really want to thank everyone for the support and suggestions throughout and I hope you don't look down on me for approaching things the way I did I just cant take it anymore ya know. man I hoped this would never happen I hoped things would turn around for us. but wish in one hand and spit in the other. which one is going to fill up faster!

Thanks again!

Exposure...there's more...to the OM's boss, all of her friends, your friends...everyone. Call OM's mother again and ask for OM's sister's phone number. Let them know that they say it is over but they are not. Tell them that you are trying to save your marriage and need their help. Call her family again. Yours, too...get some love and support pouring in.

Time for Plan B, WA...

Your marriage isn't over. You filing for custody and maintenance is the right thing to do. Find out how quickly you are legally allowed to get the locks changed after she is served.

But you need a good Plan B letter. One that says first, all that you've realized about building a good marriage, ways you've changed and that you very much want a great life with her...

In order to protect your love for her, there will no longer be any (not email, calls, etc) between you. All contact must go through a third party--pick someone who will look out for your well being, not someone who will tell tales of what they heard or what she says.

That the way back is for NC with letter that you approve and is certified mail and MC counseling within one week of return. Uhm, let me see the list of things you've got before you include it, 'k?

You didn't screw up...you've done your amends from anything possible close to screwing up.

No one can look down on you--you're a hero, still on a really tough journey. Protect your own heart and mind and work on getting out of obsessive thought patterns about her.

Expose to her work, too. All at once, same day.

You're not alone in your pain, confusion and feelings of immense rejection. Accept that you're not a screw up...wholly human, beloved and honorable. Don't forget that, 'k? Repeat. Rinse. Repeat.

LA