uh..whatever.

WHENEVER I POST WHAT YOU NEED TO DO...we get the above kinda advice.

Keep plan A'ing...keep 8it up...that's what YOU WANT TO HEAR DAZED.

It is NOT WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

I am sorry...but this is flying outta control. Your W is home only until the divorce hearing I fear. Only because of that.

she KNOWS WHAT WILL LOOK GOOD IN COURT. She only SLEEPS AT HOME, ALL THE WHILE GETTING SF FROM OM, B/C SPENDING NIGHT AT HOME GIVES THE ILLUSION TO THE COURT SHE IS A WIFE AND MOM...which SHE IS NOT.

I will not preach to deaf ears anymore.

Either you choose to make an action...or you do not.

And know that I do see her as a total and nothing less than 100 percent manipulative woman to both you and to OM...and she is harming your dd more than any words can say.

My xh used the time before we first really appeared in court and the time gained...GAINED FROM MY DOING A TOO LONG PLAN A...TO HIDE MONEY...and to brainwash his parents and to get as much support for his affair effort as he c ould KNOWING he was going to have to go to court...had enough time to get the company to transfer funds, change his "SALARY" on paper, etc...in other words, line his ducks up in a row so that the odds would be STACKED BEST IN HIS FAVOR WHEN WE WENT TO COURT.

I have a friend...good friend who went thru divorce recovery w/me dazed at church. Very very nice woman. VERY KIND AND LOVING AND BASICALLY DID A WHOLE PLAN A THRU THE WHOLE THING..except she followed another set of marriage recovery principles and she stuck to their "plan A" type of mentality.

Lemme clue you in to what happened to her. She NEVER got tough. SHE NEVER HAD THE WS LEAVE. The WS was UNDER HER NOSE SEEING THE OW...During the six months she did the plan, he talked her at the end into GETTING A JOB saying all the while he was confused, they had money pressures and her getting a job would help out with some marital issues with regards to money (he was an exec..made good money, but they'd LOST SOME MONEY TO THE AFFAIR...any wonder?) So she being a woman BELIEVING her H WAS REALLY TORN AND SAD...GOT A JOB...She had also gone to see a shrink and gotten on antidepressants. They had two young kids...eldest a son...

Using WHAT REAL MONEY AND RESOURCES...some from the OW..the man now had, he at last minute, WENT THRU W/THE DIVORCE...WENT TO COURT..,PAINTED HIS BW, THE REAL HERO HERE, AS AN UNSTABLE, MENTALLY ILL WOMAN WHO DID NOT NEED SPOUSAL SUPPORT AND HE GOT ALMOST HALF CUSTODY OF THE KIDS...all b/c she BOUGHT HIS CRAP.

I am hoping and praying yours does not get like this...but let's be honest here...the INSTABILITY IS ESCALATING...and you need to keep yourself in the best possible light.

In ASKING IF WW REALLY WANTS OM AND SHE CAN HAVE HIM...IS NOT SAYING TO LEAVE...SHE ALREADY HAS AN APARTMENT? DOESN'T SHE? WHAT PART OF THIS DOES NOT ALREADY SCREAM ABANDONMENT FROM HER? No court would say you did anything wrong. Your W will NOT BY CHOICE LIVE IN FAMILY HOME...SHE STAYS OUT AS SHE WISHES..COMES AND GOES...AND HAS SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN...ALL THE WHILE YOU ARE AWARE OF IT.

No court will look at you as somebody less than a gentleman.

Now a court will view you as unstable if you allow yelling, screaming, violence in your home...

We don't know what's happened the whole time since you stopped posting. We don't know what's gone on under your roof. I am only speculating that the WW was USING THIS EXTRA TIME to BOLSTER HER LEGAL CASE...AND CAKE EAT SOME MORE.

I guess what I am saying is I want you to DO SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T DONE.

THE OM WILL LOSE. HE CAN'T MAKE ALL THE EN DEPOSITS...HE CAN'T GIVE ALL SHE NEEDS. But SHE HAS TO FIND THIS OUT. If not...THE FANTASY CONTINUES...it wil remain in her head "but what if OM and I had that chance...we never had that chance? We could make it? Maybe?"

My greatest fear is you will never show her firm resolve and go to plan b...and that the following happens as a result...
1)another courtroom "EPIPHANY" where she says she is sorry...blah blah blah...and comes home...and the cycle begins again of the affair going underground..and more instability in the home...and you think you're in recovery...and IT ONLY GETS WORSE...AND YOUR DD NEVER HEALS..
2)that in the courtroom, WW has used this time to document any household instability and is able to present a decent enough case to the judge to GAIN SOME CUSTODY OF HER DD...why? That is ONE OF WW GREATEST FEARS...LOSING CUSTODY..she will feel she has won if she is able to do this..plus she might get CS and SS outta it too. Then the affair goes totally public..

You still have time to change the dynamics before the courtroom. Time to make WW face SERIOUS ISSUES AND FEARS I OUTLINED TO YOU EARLIER WHICH ARE HER GREATEST FEARS...she must face them if the AFFAIR FANTASY IS TO CRUMBLE.

paging ORCHID...IS ORCHID IN THE HOUSE? HOW ABOUT 2LONG?

JP, you gave Dazed some advise. Whether it is good or bad, I will not judge. BUT Please Help also gave Dazed a valid statement. You owe Please Help an apology for being so rude and dismissive. You may not agree with his take on this, but at least respect his view. So PLease Help did not agree with your side, so you go running off to the experts to try and get them on your side of the argument. It is great to give Dazed as much advise as possible, but NOT at the expense of Please Help.

How would you feel if after putting so much thought on your post to Dazed someone came and responded to you:

WHATEVER!

this has been happening for months.

I said whatever. I say whatever to lots of things. Nothing personal.

Read the whole posts. the history.

Then you can get the whole jist of things.

Oh...and you said WHATEVER TO ME. That rolls off me as it means..well..whatever!

NOW LET'S GET BACK ON SUBJECT.

Oh puleeeze. Please Help has shown in the past he can stand up for himself and that he has broad shoulders. I formed this opinion from reading his past responses to other's opinions that countered his own Dazed main thread.

I tend to think that plan B is begging to begin...pounding at the door. I tend to agree more with Peach that it would serve Dazed better if she just leaves (abandons) the family before court than allow this charade/sham of living in their marital home while being back in full WS behavior and slapping Dazed good intentions with it day after day.

And I've also asked for Dazed to get some help...INCLUDING OTHER OPINIONS ...from some pro's here.

I just want dazed to not BE BLINDSIDED IN ABOUT 10 DAYS IN COURT AND wonder what happened?

Please Help, that was a very encouraging post. Daze's situation is gloomy but you found the silver lining. Thanks for your post.

Restrained.....shaking head, closing up jaw and moving on without a word.

The New and "improved" LM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well it is too bad a person can’t have a “do over” to see what could have happened with more than one approach. I am stunned by how daze has been taking it on the chin and keeps hanging in there. Good or bad he has gone the extra mile.

Let me throw this out there daze. Your wife did not want to go to court earlier and you had leverage. The divorce proceeding was stopped which she did not want to go thru and after that what has she done?

She still has her boyfriend. She gets to go****him and travel with him and she has no consequences. Why would she want to come back to you unless she hits rock bottom? She knows she can do ANYTHING and you will accept her back. She feels she could go ***************************and you would not care. You just want her back. She knows her OM can call you and have you listen to her beg him and have sex with him and you want her back. If this is called Plan A then I think it is a horrible plan. It may sound good in theory but only if you are not the one that has to follow it.

Again if a woman is getting beaten by a man do we have to tell her she needs to Plan A to stop the beatings? If anyone says this is not abuse well then I don’t think anyone should claim that there is abuse in marriage. I feel you need counseling to find out why you feel it is OK to accept this kind of treatment at any cost. Do you think there are no other women out there that could love you? There are a lot of women out there and I guarantee you they would treat you better then this. Do you think that this is as good as you can do and you need to hold on at all cost or are you just afraid of being alone?

You hold a lot of anger with the OM but why? You made vows with your WW not this other man. He owes you nothing! Now you WW does owe you she took the vows with you. She chose to betray you and she continues to betray you right in front of your face.

Did you ever think that tough love might work better? Even if you get her back she has been trained that if she is not happy she can go find another guy and you can be cuckold. Women don’t like men they don’t respect and she does not respect you.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but please get some self-respect back for you and your daughter. Your wife is only manipulating you to look better for the court. She has not changed at all except she does things right in front of you and you allow it.

One last thing, God Bless you. You have gone beyond the call of duty and I hope you do get the same love that you have been showing to your alien wife.

It appears that MB is working in Dazed case. It has prepared him for the outcome of his case, regradless of what it is. I stated some time ago, that as soon as Dazed will truely let his WW go, it will be the beginning of time he can get her back, if he wants her. In time, he will be able to choose if he even wants her back or not and when that time happens, he may say to his very damaged and adulterous wife, "No Thanks, stay with the OM". The problem is at the time he has the choice, his WW won't want the OM. His WW could end up all be her lonesome and be labeled as an adulterer. I say Dazed should prepare himself for a life without his WW because she does not want redemption. You do reach a point when the WS cannot be redeemed, and Mrs Dazed is very close to that point.

Dazed, you need to let her know you are preparing for a life without her and that you are going to work on replacing her as the primary caregiver of the children. She needs to understand, she will be put into a secondary position with the kids when the new Mrs Dazed come to town. You have been too available to her and she knows you always will be. Take that comfort away from her now. Let her know that her life will be changed forever and it will NEVER be the same the next time she walks out the door.

TooSoon

sheessh, improved my [censored]! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I have to agree with Justpeachy and the others. I think he has a splendid opportunity to show his WW a little 10 day snapshot of reality before she goes to divorce court. She is quite happily carrying on her affair and trodding all over her DD and H because she has seen no consequences.

If she were lovingly handed a Plan B letter, she would be able to experience the reality she so desperately desires. That little reality check might just be what she needs, especially after doing such a superb Plan A. The benefit would be that dazed and D could be removed from her sleazy lifesyle somewhat. Unfortunately, I view her staying there as a legal ploy to enhance her standing in court, at the expense of her H and DD.

ML,

You're back! WOOOO HOOOO!!!!

Not to TJ, but please check my thread and WWs. You may need a truckload of 2 X 4s for me.

Glad to see you back.

Doormat, doormat, doormat. I agree with the others. OM is NOT your problem - your WW is. She is walking all over you and you are letting her.

BB

Dazed, let me add something very important: women do not respect men they can walk over. For many, they cannot LOVE a man they don't respect. In my case, my love for my H is VERY contingent upon the amount of respect I feel for him.

Please keep this in mind when you use this appeasement approach, because I suspect it is bringing you the exact OPPOSITE result that you want.

I think the WW may be walking all over you. I think it may be time to cut her loose and do a good Plan B.

But I have a concern that other people are missing. I believe your daughter is seriously depressed. Is this child getting any counseling to help her deal with this mess? I have lived with a depressed child. It can suck the life out of them. Totally. And, it can end their lives permanently. I don't know how old your daughter is but my 14 year old had to be hospitalized last year because she was so depressed she was suicidal. You don't want that to happen.

Focus on that child. She has so few choices right now.

If her mother was not in the home, would she be there with you? If you are being told by her teachers that something is wrong, LISTEN!!!!!!!! Be the responsible party, step up to the plate, and help your daughter.

Groundingstone

Thanks for the support....we all want what's best for Dazed...JP has her opinion...mostly based on... never mind she just has her's and I have mine...
I try take my "opinion" from the advice that Steve (The REAL expert) has told Dazed. Anyway... thanks I will read your posts and pray for your situation... BTW I LOVE your quote!!! AWESOME!!

Plan "A" is VERY hard and takes a LOT of encouragement to gain strength from....since Steve told Dazed that he should stay in "A" only two week ago or so... I respect Steve's opinion above all since he is the TRUE EXPERT...and I try to find positive things (AND THERE ARE MANY!!) that have happened as a result of dazed INCREDIBLE Plan "A"

Trix
Thanks for the kind words….broad shoulders (maybe)…. Tired shoulders (DEFINATLY!) ….

Last one since this isn’t MY post and we need to it get back on track after the minor distraction…..

IHadEnough

“She still has her boyfriend. She gets to go **** him and travel with him and she has no consequences. Why would she want to come back to you unless she hits rock bottom? She knows she can do ANYTHING and you will accept her back. She feels she could go ************** and you would not care. You just want her back. She knows her OM can call you and have you listen to her beg him and have sex with him and you want her back. If this is called Plan A then I think it is a horrible plan. It may sound good in theory but only if you are not the one that has to follow it.”

I’ve told you this before… THIS IS NOT HELPING MAKE DAZED STRONG… it WEAKENS HIM…
Do you KNOW for sure that is what’s happening? Are you THERE and seeing this happening FIRST hand? Is it happening? Maybe.. BUT….Unless you know FOR SURE it is.. PLEASE don’t bring this to his heart….it won’t do anything but bring anger and hurt to it…it won’t make him change his “Plan” I know you are trying to help but THAT won’t.

GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK

Reminds me of a quote from the movie Star Trek V:

Kirk: Damn it, Bones, you're a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!

He should remember these things, front and center, not tucked away in fear of LB'ing. Honestly, the lengths in which some people will condone doormat behavior amazes me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I say keep that image in your head that IHadEnough spelled out, maybe you will get angry enough from that pain to finally make a decision...

HELP ME - Oh you told me before well that changes my mind then. Oh, wait a minute I guess it does not change my mind. I didn't respond last time but I will now.

Why is it you do not want to talk about Dazed wife's activity? Well I think I know first hand what I posted is true since it came from Dazed. Do you think Dazed has some reason to not post what is going on here.

Dazed has posted that his wife's SF needs have been met by the OM and I believe he put the percentage at 100%. The OM also called him and had sex with his wife while Dazed was on the phone so he could hear it.

Why is it helping Dazed to ignore these facts? HELP ME you don't want to talk about his wife having sex with another man, why not?

I would say to you that you are the one not helping dazed. Dazed needs to ask himself why he feels it is OK for his wife to do this and have no consequences? Do you really think his wife is scared she could lose him? She won't have sex with dazed but she will with the OM? She has treated him with contempt and he takes it. It sounds like his wife is scared of losing OM not dazed.

If she was afraid of losing dazed she would be having SF with him and spending time with him. Instead she has treated him with contempt.

I am not going to spend money to talk to Dr. Harley about Dazed case but if I was talking to him I would ask him what kind of a spouse would I get back. She walks all over him has sex with another man and she abuses him. His counseling should include why he feels it is OK to be treated like this. Why is he so afraid of being alone? Why does he not love himself enough to think another woman could not love him for the great man he is? And what about his daughter?

When I first met my STBXW before we were married I asked her out on a date twice and she turned me down both times. I then said OK I am sorry I get the message and I will not ask again. We started dating later after she kept pursuing me. Now when I want to dump her she wants to come back. The point is when we move on sometimes the person we want sees us as more attractive.

As some of the women on this thread have said like JP and ML women will not be attracted to someone they do not respect. She has contempt for him and does not show any remorse.

Now even if this Plan A approach would work what does Dazed get back? A spouse that has learned that if she is unhappy she can go out find OM and have fun and SF with him and no consequences. A more likely scenario is that she is doing this to look better in the courts eyes.

And look at what she is doing to her own daughter??? Now if her story is that Dazed was a lousy H OK but was her daughter a lousy daughter?? Life can be hard for a girl her age but imagine how it is with a mom treating her like this? And what is she learning from watching this? From Mom if you are unhappy go find another man and from dad if this happens to you just put up with anything so you get them back.

I have the utmost respect for Dr. Harley. I love the books and feel he is very qualified and knows the secrets for a happy marriage. BUT, I think I read where even Dr. Harley said he would rather divorce than go through the pain that Infidelity has on a marriage. If putting up with the things that DAZED has gone through I can understand why Dr. Harley said that.

DAZED should have forced the issue and made her make a choice. Him or the OM not both.

HELP ME dazed wife is having sex with another man. Why are you afraid to say this? As a man you know how humiliating this is yet you don't want to talk about it. A lot of Women care more about the EA part of an affair but for most of us men the PA is more devistating. In her mind she can cuckold him and still have him if she chooses. Right now she has no incentive to pick DAZED.

Another point I think matters is the anger at the OM. We have a Wedding and our spouse makes Vows to us. The OM does not make any Vows to us and does not care about us. DAZED is directing his anger at the wrong person. He had Vows with his wife and she betrayed him. The OM is not holding a gun to her head so he can have sex with her she is doing this of her own free will. The OM would not be involved if not for his WW. Forget about the OM he is not the problem, however, his WW who took the Vows with him is the problem.

Now DAZED go ahead and do what you feel is best but please think about your daughter and again God Bless you for going the extra mile.

Wow...I give advice based on ???? If I didn't have broad (well attractively somewhat broad) shoulders, I'd be crying to the mods! lmao.

That being said,

LET'S KEEP THIS AS A POST FOR DAZED..NOT AS AN ASIDE FOR OTHERS TO BICKER AT...

THIS HAPPENED A WHILE BACK...It involved the SAME POSTER who took offense to things I said...and I fired back, and then it took off from there.

This is a post to help a specific person with his specific problems.

It is to help Dazed.

When I post to you dazed, and others do, it is not a way to bash you in any way. If somebody disagrees with the approach you're doing it is b/c we see nothing changing...

In the past, you'd post about how your ww makes no changes...then we'd tell you that your approach was not working...and then you'd come back and post about some recent marked change (since last post) in her behavior...and you continue ahead with plan b. and then a few days down the road, she's baaaack! Back doing more of the same bad stuff.

It is an unending cycle dazed.

I just want you to see that.

If the affair were a machine, you could reach in and grab a sprocket or a cog (jetsons) and pull it out and it would quit working. Well you tried pulling out the sprocket (plan a) and it didn't work. Now it's time to pull out the cog (plan B)from the affair machine and SEE IF IT IS THIS WHICH WILL STOP THE AFFAIR MACHINE FROM RUNNING...

And to be safe, pull the cord from the electrical supply so that once and for all the affair machine no longer has any power! (custody and a temporary hearing).

You're a guy who tinkers w/race cars. Maybe you can see that analogy?

Man, it just isn't working. Plan A IS NOT MEANT TO BE FOREVER.

And as far as advice goes, take advice from those who have healed their marriages...and from those whose WS never repented and what worked for them in recovering their families. When I went thru this here at MB, I sought help from both sides. I am pretty transparent and most here know my story. Most of the others here who post to you, you know their story too. We come from both sides here. I had to spend over 3 years working like a dog to financially recover from my xh using that extra time I spent in a too long plan A when he used that time to hide money from his child and myself. What a man huh? WEll he's a WS. And he never changed.

Not all WS are that UNABLE TO FALL. Mine has a lot of money. That's been his cushion all along. When the weight of his conscience and the world falls down on him, he goes out and makes himself feel better by BUYING A TOY. He buys boats, cars, sportscars, and is building a lakehouse right now...over a million dollars. He has THINGS that have TAKEN THE PLACE OF PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE...such as myself and our ds. Sure, he got more custody than he deserved, but in the end I still end up w/more time than he does. And my ds is completely understanding of his dad's actions...and he's younger than your dd is.

You have a chance to have that WS not bounce. You have the chance for her to see the "Christmas Carol" ending to this...remember? Where the third and most frightening ghost shows Scrooge the Christmas Future? Where upon his death he is not even cared for...he sees people stealing his things left and right and then the ghost shows him his name on the tombstone? Well your WW can see that now...but a bit differently. She can get a front row seat to how her life will be! She will see that she will lose custody of her child. She will be forever labeled in the eyes of the court, her family, the world, as an adulteress. She will have to give up her possessions...as she CHOSE TO RENT AN APARTMENT WITH THE OM HELPING HER. She will get to live w/a pervert and a CHEATING PERVERT AT THAT. Remember, if they'll do it with you, they'll do it TO YOU...so it's a matter of time before he cheats. She will have limited income. Her only hope will be that after all of this, her OM would want her...and he will only want her for a season as this man is NOT monogamous. He's after a piece of [censored].

That's HER FUTURE. That is her FUTURE IF SHE IS UNREPENTANT.

You cannot choose it for her.

She must choose herself.

And the time has come for her to choose. Will it be sanity? Will it be the safety of her family and a recovered marriage? Will it be forgiveness? Will it be a warm family home and familiar easychair?

Or will it be her undoing?

You gotta show that stark comparison as she has NO motivation to return home or be a wife right now dazed.

Imagine what would have happened if three years back my xh had not recovered from the problems his business had suddenly entered into. That happened during the affair. He might have lost a lot of money. The bounce factor would NOT have even come into play. He would have had a different set of circumstances. And the outcome would most likely have been different. And I know the outcome would have been different 100 percent if the ow had NOT become pregnant.

You are viewing plan B and getting tough w/WW as something to dread. It is not. What is worse? Living with a liar and cheat and an emotional abuser and a mom who emotionally abandons her daughter and endangers her? Or living in a peaceful home with a peaceful dd with both of you working together to heal the wounds? Your WW can choose, of course it will be UP TO YOU, if she wants to return.

No court of law will fault a guy who has gone to such lengths to save his marriage...SHE ALREADY HAS AN APARTMENT...HELPED BY THE OM. She is having sf outside the marriage every day pretty much I'd guess. She is NOT AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT IN THE MARRIAGE ANYMORE.

She's there to breathe air and take up space right now...kinda like an atom.

And her presence isn't helping heal anything either right now in the state she is in.

So you literally need to show WW the CONSCIOUS CHOICE BEFORE HE...is it healing? Or is it more insanity? Which will she choose?

Right now...SHE CHOOSES INSANITY.

Give HER ANOTHER CHOICE...SHOW HER THE OTHER CHOICE BY GIVING A STARK CONTRAST BETWEEN THE TWO.

plan B. Full custody.

sorry spelling errors...I am feeling flu-ish...achy, hurting all over. Thank the heavens for Tamiflu!

Folks,

Everyone please settle down!! Everyone has gone off to their Plan A or Plan B foxholes and started lobbing grenades. We are ALL on the same side here...Dazed's side!

With that being said, I want to wade into this in order to throw my own two cents here. Dazed, my man...we have heard very little from you, and I know why. More than most on here...you and I have walked almost the same path here. Of course, you did a lot better Plan A than I did!

You sir are depressed...hurt...angry...you see all your efforts for nothing, correct? But I want to let you in on a little clue here. YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW IT ALL WORKS OUT! Even if it gets real bad, and she signs the papers...you still do not know how this works out.

My pastor told me, when I first filed after going to Plan B (I filed so I could get custody settled...I would not have continued the divorce at the time), that I didn’t know where things would go…that God was in control. He told me that almost a third of the marriages he had done that year were remarriages of a couple that had divorced, but made it back to each other and had decided to start again. I want you to know that even with setbacks, God is in control. You are going to have to trust him, Dazed. More than anything, this is YOUR test. He wants to know…do you trust Him. Don’t look around like Paul did when he walked on water with Jesus…you will sink! You MUST keep your eyes and your faith on Him at all times.

Now, to the matter at hand. I was going to do a Mortarman update, as things in my house have been crazy also. Then I thought I wouldn’t, as I did not want anyone being discouraged as my situation went thru another gyration. But here it is Dazed…

For the last year, since I got custody of the kids…and then we reconciled, my wife and I have gotten along rather well. As friends. But there was still an intimacy problem. Oh sure, OM was out of the picture…he had moved back to Florida. But we were just not moving closer together. My wife would hang out with me, lay her head on my chest in bed as we watched TV, let me get out the massage table and give her a massage every so often. But intimacy…real intimacy…has been lacking.

Anyone that knows my sitch knows that my wife’s affair was precipitated by financial problems and me being deployed in September 2001. She was in nursing school, had three kids there, huge financial problems, and husband off at war as the nation was in shock from 9/11. She fell apart! And in walked this guy who promised to take her away from her problems.

Well, as we have moved forward over the last year, my wife has kept all of the financial things separate. Sure, we aren’t in the bad shape we were before. But she wanted to keep all the finances separate. Well, due to the fact that she declared bankruptcy when she left me and the kids three years ago, she has no debt to speak of. I have carried the rest of the debt that was in my name. And I have slowly paid it off over this time. Now, there is still some left and in November I went to my wife and said we needed to finally re-meld the finances, because we needed to attack the last of these bills. We want to buy a new house in the fall. Anyway, I kept coming to her telling her that we needed to get it together. She kept pushing me off, saying “later.”

Well, finally in January I decided to put my foot down. As a BS, you know that putting your foot down is very hard, as you are scared that they will just run away. But in this case, I needed to do this because financially we would be screwed up if she didn’t get with the program. Now remember, finances are HUGE to her (her number one EN). So, in mid-January, I came to her and told her that she needed to make a decision. She needed to sit down with me and we go decide how we are going to move things forward…financially and intimately. Or, she can sit down with me and decide together how to end things amicably. Or she could just sit still and continue on this path, and I will have to do what I need to do.

Well, guess what happened? She did nothing. I had given her until February 1st to sit down with me. When that didn’t happen, I decided to make a change (note to everyone: This is why we say at MB that YOU must change, not change the other person). For most of our marriage, my wife was a SAHM. Then with the affair, she had taken care of herself…and I still provided for me and the kids. Last year, she wanted things separate, so I decided that I would offer up a percentage until we decided to move forward in that area also (I thought that over time, things would move to that point). I make about 60% of the household income. I was paying in about 75-80% into the bills of the house.

So, what I did was ratchet back the amount of money I was giving her to pay bills, and I applied the remainder to the outstanding debt. Well, she went OFF!! She was POed, to say the least. She wanted to know what kind of game I was playing. I told her this was no game, but that I needed to take care of these things. I had given her the opportunity for us to come up with a joint decision on this (POJA) and she had not done anything. So, I changed the situation. The status quo was obliterated that day!

Now, did I have to go to Plan B or a separation? Nope. All I did was change the digits on the check I deposited in her account. Did I stop being her husband? Nope. Did I start becoming angry or depressed? Nope. I just took care of business.

Now, I didn’t do this out of spite or to get her moving. I did it because our financial situation warranted it. But the added benefit of doing this is that she became destabilized. She could no longer sit on the ball.

Now, guess what? This is the part I was going to wait to post, as I wanted to see how it played out. You see, in this turmoil…my wife called her attorney. She started ranting and raving that she wanted me out. She was completely off her rocker (she has some serious issues with this financial thing…and I have tried to get her to seek help…counseling…for it. Her reactions are not normal or rational). Anyway, since I had mentioned that she had three options…and I had done the change to the finances, she went to her attorney and came back with a piece of paper that basically said she gets custody and I will pay child support…but she wouldn’t ask for alimony or anything else. I laughed and said “this is a negotiation? Honey, I already got custody once…I am pretty sure it will happen again. If you want to end this and negotiate an end to it, then fine. But custody of the kids is not on the table, except for us deciding times and dates for your visitation…and I am very open to making this the best possible situation for you and the kids.”

Well, I guess I don’t need to say that she got angry yet again. I just told her that I still love her and that I want this to work out. But I also know that us not moving forward, and us not tending to financial issues jointly…and us not getting to the intimate issues…well, we are doomed to failure. And I cannot possibly let things financially fall apart.

Well, I then got the cherry on top of this. The Friday before Valentines Day, a package came to our house. It was to my wife, with my wife’s name and our address as the return address. The bottom of the box was open, so I opened it. In side was a series of boxes that spelled out “I-love-you-with-all-of-my-“ and then inside the last box was a pewter or silver heart. I looked at the invoice…at the Troll had ordered it.

Then a few days later, a large envelope came in. I had forwarded my mail to my mother’s weeks earlier, as I was having a problem getting my mail and was not sure why. Anyway, for some reason, the post office sent some of my wife’s mail there also. Well, this envelope had the yellow sticker over top the name and address of whomever it was sent to. But I noticed that the name on the sender was the Troll’s mother’s name and the address was to his former place of employment here in Virginia. I opened the package before I saw that though. What I found inside was help wanted ads for nurses in the Tampa area. What I found out was that the OM had used his mother’s name (not knowing that I knew it) and the address of his former work in Virginia so it wouldn’t raise any eyebrows.

Anyway, I approached my wife on both of these. She was angry about these, and stated she didn’t know anything about them. But it did not matter…I took them to my attorney the next day. I then told her that it didn’t matter whether she knew about them or not…that this would further hurt her in court if we went that far. For days after that, I did not speak to her. I shut down communications and began to plan for possible separation and Plan B. And divorce for that matter. This was all just last week. Well, on Valentines Day, she came up to me and was surprised that I had not gotten her anything. So, I wrote her a note with some gift cards to Ruby Tuesday’s, telling her that I would have loved to give her something on Valentines Day. But until she made a decision for us, that I could not possibly do that. That she needed to see that I have never missed a Valentines Day, even when she was betraying me. That I have been there the whole time…and have given her everything, even when she didn’t deserve it. I then said she was free to use the cards wherever, or to hold onto them and use them when she felt she was ready to move forward on our marriage…and then we could go out and eat…and pick out her Valentine’s Day gift.

Thru the rest of the week, everything was quiet. Then, on Friday night, my wife says something as we got into it a little. I had told her during a conversation that until she stepped forward, that I wouldn’t be POJAing anything. I was going to make the decisions in the best interest of this family and me. She stormed out of the room…but then came back in later. She tried to sit down next to me, and when I wouldn’t move, she said “don’t be an [censored].” So I let her sit down and she tried to talk. I didn’t say a word. Not one. I just listened. She tried a little fog talk, and I said nothing. But by now, with the OM gone so long, the fog talk actually began sounding strange to her. So, mid conversation, she changed what she was saying. She grabbed my knee and said “I have no idea the depths of your despair.” And she got up and left.

Saturday, I left early for baseball practice with my boys. My daughter was gone all weekend with her girlfriends. My wife’s back, which is still a mess since her car accident last June, was acting up yet again, and she missed work. Well, after practice, we (me and the boys) went over to my mother’s house…stayed for dinner…and then ended up crashing on her couches. My wife called late, sounded somewhat depressed…and wanted to know why we didn’t come home. I just said we had been playing games late and we decided to crash. We would be home Sunday.

Yesterday rolls around and my wife is to go to work, but her back is again acting up. So she calls me Sunday morning. I was going to church, but my oldest is now throwing up so that was out. We were stuck at my Mom’s for awhile. Anyway, my wife began another strange conversation. She said “Mortarman, I don’t think I will be able to work my full shift. My back is a mess. So, I am going to try to tough it out until 7pm and then I wanted to see if you would meet me for something to eat.” I was surprised. So I asked “why?” She said “Mortarman, I want to figure us out. But I cant do it when you are so defensive. I cant get close to you because you are so defensive. I want us to go out to eat so we can meet on sort of neutral ground and come up with a plan.” I was again floored…but said okay. Now of course, if she could finish her shift at work, then we would do it one night this week when she was off. She indeed did finish her shift so we did not meet last night. But when she came in from work at 2am this morning, there were some changes in her demeanor I hadn’t seen in awhile. This morning again, when I headed off to work, some very real changes in her. No relationship talk…just changes in her tone and how she related to me.

What do I believe about the OM? Well, he could have remained contact the whole time. That is a possibility. Or, because of my changing things in January, my wife freaked out and called the guy that was there for her the last time things got bad…the OM. Of course, he instantly begins trying to woo her by sending the gift and enticing her to move to Florida. That aint gonna happen unless she would permanently leave her kids. So, in the second case, she might have been telling the truth in the fact that she didn’t know he was sending that stuff…but she had contacted him, at the very least to cry on his shoulder.

Dazed, I used your thread to tell you all of this for a reason. And that reason is that I want you to see that it is only over when you say it is. Your wife hasn’t a clue what she wants or what she is doing. When this mess started a month ago with me changing things, my wife began to fall into the same pit she fell into over four years ago. But what was different was that even though inside I worried that this was the end…that she was going to her attorney and we would be divorced…I also knew that Jesus is on the throne. And He will work all of this for my good.

Do I know how my marriage works out? Nope. And I am fine with that. I have gotten so comfortable with relying on Jesus that I sometimes wonder if I am okay, because of my lack of reaction to the chaos.

During the last month, when I moved things off center, I have maintained my meeting ENs (that is until the box from OM came in). But at the same time, I transitioned our relationship in a way that it will move forward or end. Now the end would take awhile, as court proceedings do. And I have been there before and know that it still may not end even if we head down that line. But I can see that my marriage has its best chance to move forward because I took it off center, because I changed. Because I enforced my boundaries by changing myself and what I was going to do and what I was willing to accept.

My wife may come to me this week and want to take the next step. We have over 100 people praying every week for us. Praying that her back is NOT healed until she bends her knee to Christ. I have told her this…that she will probably continue to have this pain until she does bend her knee to Him. I think she is now believing that. Or, she might run.

But what I do know is this…we couldn’t stay where we were. And I, as the leader of this family, made the decision to get us up and moving. She is an adult, she can make her own decisions on whether to move forward with us. But moving forward has commenced.

Dazed, as the Plan B Czar, you know I love Plan B. Sometimes I miss it, because of how quiet and calming it was. And while I agree that your wife is at the end of the rope here and Plan B is the natural progression…I have to disagree with how some are saying to do it.

As with what happened during my little deal this past few weeks, I did not immediately jump to Plan B. Instead, I began the process of moving in a direction which would allow me to move forward in my marriage or Plan B. You see, Plan B should be for YOU only. Not to let her hit bottom, not as punishment. If I go to Plan B, it will be because I have begun to move my marriage and family forward again, and I look to my side and my wife isn’t there. At that point, then I go to Plan B. I put up my boundaries.

What you need is to get your marriage and family moving so you can make a decision on Plan B. Start making decisions that will move your marriage forward, or will move your wife off the ball. It is your situation, so I don’t know what that would be. Nothing that openly forces her toward the OM. Just as I didn’t do anything that openly forced my wife to call OM or to get him involved again. I just made decisions for me and the family that moves us in a direction where she must move forward with me, or be left behind with whomever.

That is your goal here now, Dazed. You want to move forward now. I am still betting your wife will be with you, just as mine should be with me in the end. But you are going to have to move this off the dime. Then, once you get things moving, and she decides to jump ship and be with OM…then you can go right to Plan B to protect yourself and continue on the path you have just begun without interference.

So, we can all help you come up with the plan on what it is you need to do to get things moving. And you need to do this BEFORE the court date (like do it TODAY!) so it has time to get moving. You dont want to do Plan B on or after the court date as it will look like you are punishing her. Please remember, Plan B is NOT to let her hit bottom. It is to protect you. It is to allow you to assume FULL control over your life again.

So, let’s get started. I want you to decide on three things today that you need to do to get this marriage and family moving forward with. Things that you have been reluctant to do because you have been afraid that it will force her to the OM for good. Put them on here. Let’s discuss them. And then get busy.

Plan B will come soon. But please don’t use a weapon for what it is not intended to be used for.

In His arms.